[sammmax1]

I am writing a doctoral dissertation on the adoption process. Specifically on the birthmothers interaction with counseling. I am trying to ascertain what percentage of birthmothers were offered counseling, how much, by whom, and for how long. It is my belief, which i am trying to show, that if adoption agencies act more responsibly, if proper and adequete counseling is offered, birthmothers will not have to endure the suffering, the guilt, and sorrow that has already been documented. Please respond if you have any thoughts on this matter.

[bromanchik]

I actually have a lot to add, but it is too complicated to impart in a small post. I would love speaking to you though. Have you done a lit review yet? There is some interesting work already out there.

[BrandyHagz]

Sam,

I placed thru a Nationwide Catholic agency based in Dallas in 1997. I was offered no pre-placement services (counseling, clothing assistance, financial assistance) at any time during my pregnancy, although at one point I did ask for clothing assistance and was offered a tour of their “Maternity closet” that contained a total of about 10 outfits, none in my size (or even remotely close).

Here is where my story may differ a bit from others…I was not offered counseling, nor did I ask for it, because I didn’t believe I needed it and I still don’t believe I would have accepted it if it had been offered to me at any time during my pregnancy.

I am, for the most part, content with the decision I made to place my daughter for adoption. Content because I know I made the best decision I could make given my circumstances at the time…had I known then what I know now, I may not have made the same decision, however, had I not made the decision I did, I most likely wouldn’t be where I am today…

For me, being able to get past the “what could have been’s” and “what if’s” has played an important role in my ability to deal with the loss that I suffered by making the adoption plan.

No doubt, ever woman (and man) who places a child for adoption feels some level of loss…some are never able to get past it, while others are able to deal with it head on and heal…

I support, wholeheartedly, pre-placement services being offered, on a mandatory basis, to expectant parents considering an adoption plan. What I don’t support, however, is those services being offered by agencies who have a vested interest in the outcome of the pregnancy. I think, a good place to start, is requiring agencies to offer counseling and peer-groups to expectant parents considering adoption…but in the grand scheme of things, I’d like to see these services provided by a third party who does not have a vested interest in the outcome.

Good luck with your research, like you, I’d like to see many changes made to the way adoptions are handled in the US…namely, laws that closely police agencies and the way they do business, because in the US, adoption is a business.

[Volfe]

Offhand, I just want to suggest that counseling does not alleviate the guilt, suffering and sorrow. It helps you be able to endure it.

However, I didn't go through an agency and was not offered counseling (and in one instance was denied due process). I'm not certain I would have taken it either.

Maia

[sammmax1]

Thank you for being so candid with me. Your insight about a third party to provide the couseling services is something i am trying to make happen. May I quote you about the lack of couseling offered without mentioning any specifics. I will honor anything you want

[sammmax1]

how are you doing now. I hope you have found ways to endure. Gool luck to you

[sammmax1]

I feel i have become the expert of the subject due to all of the research that i have pored over. Yes I agree there is mech research and information out there. But there really is a lack of complaints against adoption agencies. I can understand why these agencies are not acting responsibly. No one is REALLY complaining. Why are the birthmothers not making a bigger stink of what they need.

[Volfe]

perhaps their opinions are no longer valued after placement?

I know a few women here who couldn't find an avenue for complaint (besides these forums)

[BrandyHagz]

Sam,

The laws are very specific regarding agency policing. The bottom line, agency complaints can only be lodged by agency consumers and agency consumers are adoptive parents because adoptive parents are the ones paying for the services.

There are instances of adoptive parents filing complaints based on information they have received from birthparents regarding treatment, but they rarely get the attention needed.

I have heard of at least one complaint, filed by birthparents, that was dismissed by the BBB because birthparents are not clients of the agency, the adoptive parents are, therefore they had no grounds.

It is very hard for birthparents to make themselves heard…for one, they are going thru a very traumatic event in their life, they may feel defeated, deflated, beaten up and used…they may feel they have no recourse and even if they think they might, they don’t know where to turn. Its sad really, because without birthparents, adoption agencies wouldn’t exist, yet agencies continue to contribute to the stigma of birthparenthood by treating birthparents like they have no voice…

Feel free to quote me on anything I post here, and feel free to use my name or not use my name, the choice is yours, for the record, I am Brandy Hagelstein.

[sammmax1]

Thank you so much.

[kitkat582497]

Well when we started this WHOLE thing we start with and agency that was nothing but rude and didn't help... We had a friend at church that knew a couple that wanted to adopt a child two if we were having tiwns thank GOD we didn't... I didn't want to go to any agency BUT they wanted me to have someone to talk too...the 1s bconuler I had I couldn't stands I don't know why I just couldn't... Then I meet Linda after they counler lied to us about a meeting with the aparents... Linda has been great... She well drop what ever she is doing to talk to me... I can drop into the office whe I want call her when I want... There even trying it find me a place to live... She has not only helped me mentlaty but whit me finding god again...
Kathy

[SchmennaLeigh]

I placed in 2003 and this my experience with counseling:

None.

My "agency's" version of counseling was to have some sub-standard woman with no background in therapy or counseling "listen to what I had to say" regarding placement. Yes, she worked for the "agency." However, every single thing I said was turned right around and rehashed to the adoptive couple.

Now, mind you, the adoptive parents were charged for this "counseling." Oh yes. Real ethical.

When I called the "agency" a good six months post-placement to ask for legitimate counseling (which I had to pay for myself in the end) they told me that they could not help me. When I threatened them with calling MY lawyer in regards to the matter, they gave me the name of an (overpriced) woman over an hour from my home. Gee, thanks guys.

I eventually found a gentleman who had no experience regarding adoption, let alone open adoption, who helped me with a couple grief issues. When calling around to find an appropriate therapist/counselor, I would ask, "Do any of your therapists have ANY experience with adoption grief and loss." The answer, 100% of the time, was no. Totally awesome.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by sammmax1

But there really is a lack of complaints against adoption agencies. I can understand why these agencies are not acting responsibly. No one is REALLY complaining. Why are the birthmothers not making a bigger stink of what they need.

For two reasons. One you are dealing with people in crisis and some who have been traumatized. And two, in many cases, the agencies are the only link that many of these birthparents have with their children. They are not going to jeopardize what little contact they have by making waves.

Oh,and I thought of a third. After the surrenders are signed no one really cares what birthparents think. I complained and the counselor that broke confidentiality with me became head of the adoption program. The Better Business Bureau also is not very helpful.

BTW, where did you get your statistics about the number of complaints.

Also, I am interested in what you are getting your PhD in.

[FauxClaud]

"It is my belief, which i am trying to show, that if adoption agencies act more responsibly, if proper and adequete counseling is offered, birthmothers will not have to endure the suffering, the guilt, and sorrow that has already been documented."

Unfortunatly, the suffering, guilt and sorrow kind of goes hand and hand with losing a child. As Maia said..no matter how great the couselling is, it won't remove it..nothing really can, but give a mom tools to get though it.
From what I know, most professionals do not have the proper knowledge of adoption grief to actually help a mom because they don't really want to ackowledge the true extent off the grief to begin with. I have, for he most part, heard of many whose idea of "helping" is to continue to put the "positive' spin on the whole process, rather than acepting the gried and loss as real and valid.
My beleif is that any agency affiliation would continue to do just that, as they benefit from a mother being "content" with placement. Accepting that she has trememdous pain regrding the loss of her baby even with informend and willing decision making at the time, creates almost too much of a conflicting situation for an agency. IE if they 'see' the pain a woman suffers...wouldn't they have to "warn" others about to partake on the same path?...and then, who would place their babies? If you look up many agancies on the web and look at their "decription" of post placement feelings it is always so downplayed it is almost laughable as compared to the real words of moms.
IMO, what you are asking agencies to do is get better at convincing a mom to be more complacient, less true to her own feelings, and subscribe to the "program"...then it again, falls on the mother to fall into line.."whats' wrong with her? She got therapy and she still insisits on being all negative and sad...can't she just get over it ( with therapy)"
In perfect world, the "professionals" would realistically let a mom know truley of the suffering, guilt and sorrow involved so that they would be not blindsighted by it and be able to decide if this is something they would like to have involved in their lives forever. Maybe help a woman fiqure ot if they have the strenght to continue breathing after the loss of their child before it happens?
I am curious as to what you have documented on Birthmother Grief as I have found surpriingly little that has been really published and accepted in the professional circles.? What made you come to this conclusion?

[sammmax1]

No, I don not want agencies to get better at convincing a mom to be more complacent and "subscribe" to the program. But we have to face the concept that adoption will go on. Yes, the agency can warn potential birthmothers, but that will never happen. Agencies know the truth about the suffering, the long term consequences. They choose to not do anything about it. But why should they. THEY ARE A BUSINESS ONLY! Why do you not think intensive therapy/counseling before/ after relinquishment will not help a **. This is the only hope. There is no other way.