[Momof2]

She knows she is adopted, and when she asks questions, she is answered honestly. She has been told that if and when she wants to know, all she has to do is ask. She knows I (birth mom) am a simple phone call away.

She does not feel "duped". But thanks for your "concern".

There is no adoption handbook that says that every situation has to be a certain way.

Our entire family is comfortable with our situation, as is our daughter....she is a very bubbly, has straight A's, is in the 99% of the gifted kids program, loves to sing, dance, and help people in need. I have met her friends, and they comment on how happy and how often they see her smiling and being so sweet to everyone around her. If this sounds like a child who has "problems" because she doesn't know who I am, well, she hides it pretty good.

The thread here was asking about counseling, and how people are going about THEIR cicumstances. It is not a thread for insulting people or telling them that their circumstances are WRONG simply because YOU do not understand them or agree with them.

What has worked wonderfully for our family, may not be for everyone. It works for us. Including our daughter.

[marimari]

Momof2...I don't think any ill intent was meant towards you. Your daughter sounds quite amazing; that fact must fill your heart as well as that of her a-parents.

I think the question may have been leading to whom does your daughter believe you to be? I thought that you do see her, etc., with regularity...the concern may be that down the road she may feel "duped" since you were there but somehow falsely represented. I don't believe that any malice was intended...just true concern.

You are all very blessed to get along as well as you do; I suspect that the "openness" you experience is not the norm. I hope that you all have a great future together and look forward to hearing about the day that she discovers that you are her first mom.

[Momof2]

Thank you, Mari, for trying to clear it up...I think mostly, her post really irritated and hurt me to think that someone thought we were intentionally misleading our daughter. That is not our intention at all. Our intention was to give her a healthy upbringing, and address her questions as SHE is ready for them emotionally. Not on our time line, etc.

Like I said, there is no handbook for adoption...we go along in life, day by day, and take things as they come the best way we know how.

When we see each other, I strongly believe she has pieced all of the puzzle together...I know her older sister has, and has even told their parents that she knows who my daughters mom is...she then proceeded to tell her it was Me. Let's face it, girls so close talk. This happened when our daughter was about 11 or 12. We believe that if she wants to have a personal relationship with me, she will say so when she is ready. As far as sitting her down, and saying "this is your bmom", we have not done that for the same reasons.

My daughter simply knows me by name at this point. She is not a shy girl, and when she is ready she already knows, I (birthmom) am a phone call away from being there with her when she wants me to be.

[marimari]

Well, then she may already know and just be waiting for the right time to speak up or waiting to see when you all will tell her. Is there a chance that her older sister has said something to her? That is a pretty juicy secret to keep, especially at their ages. Might be that the time is here to feel her out and see what she knows or suspects...or at least to casually throw it out there so she knows it's OK to talk about. She may not want to upset anyone by asking, no matter how bright she is..this is a "horse of a different color" sort of issue.
I hope that you do feel better about what was said. No need to defend your circumstances. We all come from different beginning points in all of this,have different middles as we muddle through, so have different perspectives and experiences, as well as "concerns". You have to do whatever it is that keeps you true to yourself and for your shared daughter.

[abcg1977]

Momof2- I really agree with everything Mari posted. When people bring up a different point of view they are ususally just trying to get you to think about another point to be made. I think your adoption plan works for you. Many of us adoptee's tho, from the 60's and 70's would love to help lessen the pain for those who have to go after us. As an adoptee one of the worst feelings (to me) is knowing someone else knows "my truth" and For me, the whole family knowing and just waiting for me to fess up to wanting to know the truth, me having to ask would be to much responsibity and to much to of a hurt. Your daughter tho, is who matter's here, your child's wants and needs are what are important here. I hope her mom in really having those private talks with her to see where she is at emotionally.

Best of luck, no one here wants to hurt you.

[sammmax1]

you are entitled to feel the way you do. And yes you are right, adoption is not always terrible. I believe there are some women who simply cannot parent at certain times in their lives and an adoption plan is a solution. My feeling is, as evidenced in this site, merely that those who simply cannot breathe after their relinquishment have to be taken care of. I believe it is the responsibility of the adoption agencies.

[sammmax1]

your thread was incredible! May I quote parts in my doctoral dissertation?

[marimari]

Who are you asking this of and which thread are you referring to specifically?

As far as not breathing after relinquishment, am not sure that it hits that close to the actual event...yes, it does, but most of us were young and tried to now follow all the rules...so we went on, like we were supposed to. Maybe reunion is the major catalyst or from what I've read, so can the first grand child be what brings it all back as a stark reality that bites us so hard in our butts that we can barely see straight.

We shouldn't have to go out and pay for addional counseling, esp when most of us are unaware of what is causing our distress...we have already paid dearly throughout our lives.

[hannah50]

I relinquished my son in April of 1971. So absolutely there was no counseling offered. I was told by the agency to "go home and forget it." And that "One day you'll have children of *your own*". That was the extent of my counseling. I see from many posts in this thread not much has changed (I suppose, unless you can afford it).

While my family could have affored it for me, the shame was much too strong ON the family and hence all my feelings of loss and guilt were shoved under the proverbial rug not to come out until 10 years ago when I sought counseling for myself for a "bad self body image" (and the bod wasn't all that bad!) lol

The counselor I found was amazing. She'd never had experience with the adoption situation. When she asked me that first visit "why do you have a bad self body image", I of course relayed the stretch marks from giving up a baby...blah blah blah. She stopped me right there, and within about 4 weeks, had me hot on the search for my son. Whom I found, in Folsom Prison. But that's another thread all-together.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by hannah50

I
The counsellor I found was amazing. She'd never had experience with the adoption situation. When she asked me that first visit "why do you have a bad self body image", I of course relayed the stretch marks from giving up a baby...blah blah blah. She stopped me right there, and within about 4 weeks, had me hot on the search for my son. Whom I found, in Folsom Prison. But that's another thread all-together.

Oh Hannah… I am sitting here bawling.. It’s the truth..

So many years I have known you.. You called me when you found your birthson..What a conversation that was!

This is a good place.. There are some rules and I respect the rules.. Basically personal attacks are not a good thing.. and I love that.. I was on alt.adoption for years and the personal attacks eventually got to me.. Here a person can express their thoughts and read what others have to say.. and then maybe learn something…

That last phone call my hubby was upset and I had to hang up the phone.. he had two angioplasty’s last year and has retired.. We are busy selling the house in Toronto and moving to our place in the country.. A place where I have a studio!

I am so very very glad you are here.. I wish I could find all the members of our old group on CompuServe..


Love Jackie

[hannah50]

You always were such a softie Jackie...

I should have an old address book with at least a couple of the members addresses at the time, I know I had Phyllis. I totally lost track of that young gal who joined us later from Texas - last time I talked to her was in San Diego about 1996...Was her name Terry? We used to have great conversations. Last time she called me the answering machine cut her off and I didn't get her new number. I have searched and searched for her.

I'm sorry to hear about the hubby - I hope all is well for him now and that your move goes smooth.

After 6 years of being in Maine I've finally found a solid permenant job - which is a TOTAL RELIEF. I have wondered many many moons just why I agreed to move here. 6 Years is a long time to wait for financial security. Most all of my inheritance was eaten up trying to survive out here. Such a shame.

GREAT TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AT LEAST!

[Jackiejdajda]

Hannah.. and all..

I started a new thread..
http://forums.adoption.com/showthrea...512#post929512

Its called..An accepting kind of reunion

I hope you check it out.. just click on the link..

Jackie