[levigram]

Dear Mari,

Wow! So eloquently said. My daughter would echo your words and quite possibily would her bson's adoptive mom. In fact, both birth and adoptive extended families would surely find unity in your sentiments because they are so right on.

I, too, am working on changing the adoption counseling issues. I have my Ed.D. in education and am currently working on my masters in counseling psychology. My emphasis is adoption counseling. I will be working closely with anyone I find doing research in this area to help change the way families are advised about how they create families through adoption.

[sunnyfromNY]

I am writing a doctoral dissertation on the adoption process. Specifically on the birthmothers interaction with counseling. I am trying to ascertain what percentage of birthmothers were offered counseling, how much, by whom, and for how long. It is my belief, which i am trying to show, that if adoption agencies act more responsibly, if proper and adequete counseling is offered, birthmothers will not have to endure the suffering, the guilt, and sorrow that has already been documented. Please respond if you have any thoughts on this matter.

Counseling will never take the place of a mother's child. You will never be able to show that mothers will not suffer at the loss of their child. IMO, you are following a faulty premise if you think to prove otherwise.

[Janet Heath]

Hi. I too am an adoptee and have no business posting here. This is a time for the birthmothers to have their say. Everyone else needs to stand up, take notice and just listen to what these wonderful women have to say. They deserve our utmost respect. I have read every word posted. Have learned a lot. There has been a lot of very true and valuable statements made here. But the one that strikes a nod in agreement most with me is Mari's post. Thank you so much Mari for insightfullness.


Janet

[loveccl]

Thank you Sunny!

My point exactly....No amount of counseling will fill my empty arms. Now I will say that if I saw someone before I gave birth I might have known more of what to expect.

Brenda....the bmoms that you know may have decided to keep thier child if they got pre adoption counseling. So I will say as I have said many times the potential birthmoms need to know the SMALL PRINT. They need to be be told the truth and not just a bunch of empty promisses. They need to be explained by a professional and have a chance to get honest answers. I know every case and every woman is so different. So I think on step at a time.

For me its the Legal system that needs work before we go any further.

Loveccl

[skinnylou]

Hi , I am a birthmom. I did receive "counseling" prior to relinquishment. I remember none of it. I believe the sessions were generally used to inform me of the process. I do recall having some say in the selection of the prospective parents not absolute. I bought the company line. Why? Because I am an adoptee of the 60's. Same song, second verse. Did my decision rear a dragon head years later???You bet it did.

I echo what many others have said here. Counseling although invaluable when appropriate is not the answer. It is a societal issue.

[levigram]

I'm happy to see the responses happening to the research post. I may be wrong, but I don't think the premise of the research was necessarily for better adoption counseling (although I believe that is included) but for the birthmother to get what she needs to make the most appropriate decision for her and her baby. It would appear that the information received (meager as it is) is limited, biased, and inappropriately timed. In other words, even if the counseling may be appropriate, bmom isn't hearing it because of some other barrier(s) to her parenting or placing her child. I agree too, that there is much influence from society that would tip the balance regarding the the birth mom's decision.

From the statistics I have seen, 67% of our population is touched by adoption. Those are recent statistics but not the most up-to-date. Additionally, we are receiving over 22,000 international adoptions each year. I have no idea how many domestic adoptions are occurring annually but it is considerably more than international. At this rate, in the near future our society will reflect a new minority in a generation of more and more adoptees. These adoptees will have no cultural identity with their biological heritage. Unless a better system or form of open records and open adoptions or a change in how we approach adoption occurs, I stagger at the thought of how individuals will relate as family. We must be ready to address how that family identity will be defined in light of medical issues, genetic issues and other sociological ramifications. How can adoptees today have an influence on such powerfully influential future trends?

I'm very glad this is an issue of research. I plan to follow-up with my own research.

[Isabo]

I am a mother who lost her child to the closed adoption system at the age of 17. I was one month short of my 18th birthday.

I received NO counseling either before or after relinquishment of my son. I relinquished through Catholic Family Services. I went to a family services agency while in a crisis pregnancy, and I received information ONLY about adoption. I was given no information whatsoever about parenting. I was certainly never given ANY information regarding what a loss adoption would be for me or my son or the grief that would be my closest companion for the rest of my life. I was certainly never advised that my chances of second infertility would increase dramatically and that I may be relinquishing my only child. I became infertile after making some stranger a parent. I am not a proponent of the "God's plan" and "meant to be" version of adoption (which I got to hear from my son's amom). I tactfully refrained from telling her my view of how Satan works in this world through adoption agencies and shamed parents/grandparents.

I have recently received a redacted version of my file from the agency. It is very clear from the social worker's notes that my recollection regarding the information I was given is correct. I received only information regarding adoption and pressure to relinquish my child. I guess the "family services" were reserved for the adoptive couple who paid the agency's fee. One week after I gave birth, my sister found me crying and cruelly asked me "what is your problem?" My family and Catholic Family Services ignored the elephant in the middle of the room (my grief), because it was socially unacceptable for me to be pregnant out of wedlock or to have relinquished a child. Therefore, my pain was not valid and did not exist.

I finally sought counseling 12 years after relinquishment. When I described feelings of grief regarding the loss of my child, my counselor told me I was lonely. He totally dismissed the loss of my child as a factor in how I was feeling. My counselor reinforced every message I had ever received from the agency, my family and society. What was my problem? I had not suffered a loss. We swept that under the rug, why do you keep bringing that up?

After reunion with my son, I sought counseling specifically for assistance in dealing with my grief, which at this point was 20 years in the making. I specifically looked for a counselor with experience in adoption loss and/or grief and found none. I interviewed one counselor at an adoption agency who was totally shocked that I was experiencing any grief, let alone overwhelming and debilitating grief over 20 years after relinquishment. I finally went to a counselor who was an adoptee. She cancelled so many sessions that I finally confronted her and told her I believed she had not dealt with her adoption issues. There was no way she could help me. At one point she had actually said to me, "you do realize that you are ONLY his biological mother?" after I had relayed the depth of my pain and my love for my son to her. I told her that I had ALWAYS been his mother. My motherhood and my love and concern for my son did not end at relinquishment. Far from it. I thought about him, prayed for him and had hopes for his future all through the years. Guess what? When my son found me, he told me I was his Mom.

I am an educated woman with a doctorate. I have had to do my own research and find my own healing. There is help out there that validates birthmother grief. Many of these books are condemned by adoption professional and adoptive parents who do not want to accept or process our pain. Since they are the ones with the power, their view of adoption prevails. It is heartbreakingly sad to me.

Barbara Walters, an adoptive mother in a closed adoption who raves about how wonderful adoption is, recently said in an interview in Vanity Fair that the loss of a child is the worst thing that can happen to a person. I hear this statement often, yet it is not thought to apply to birthmothers. WHY NOT?? I would like to ask Barbara in person if she has any compassion for the loss experienced by the mother of her adopted daughter - the mother who enabled Barbara to be a mother. If she is anything like my son's adoptive mother, Barbara does not allow that woman to exist as a real person in her mind. I was reunited with my son a few years ago. My son's adoptive mother had no concept or room for my pain in her rosy picture of adoption as "good for everyone." She constantly treated me as if I should have no feelings of pain or loss related to the adoption. What was my problem? She had her family (at my expense). She had never read a book on adoption loss or grief and could not understand the pain I or her/my son was experiencing. She thought something was "wrong" with her/my son. I recommended some books which addressed adoptee pain, which she did read. She cried when she read them. However, when I sent her a copy of Evelyn Burns Robinson's paper on "Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief" (which addresses birthmother grief) she did not handle it well. I received an e-mail which basically stated that my burden/ pain/ cross to bear was so much smaller than every one else's. That was my last communication with her, which was about 3 years ago. I had stopped being the good little birthmother - not seen and not heard unless specifically addressed, and I had stopped enabling her to believe adoption was joyful and pain free. She had no use for me after that.

The lack of available counseling for adoption also affects adoptees. My son sought counseling in his local and was unable to find anyone who had the first clue about adoptee issues. The only counselor he went to told him that his adoption had nothing to do with his issues - he just needed to turn to God. While I believe in God, I agreed with my son that his counselor's advice stunk. He never went back to that counselor.

I strongly recommend Evelyn Burns Robinson's paper on "Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief" (http://www.geocities.com/khaganh/adopt/grief.html). If that link doesn't work, just do a Google search and you will find it. It is a very powerful paper. Ms. Robinson is a social worker who lost her child to the closed adoption system in Australia. She compares adoption grief to the concept of disenfranchised grief, which occurs when a loss is not recognized or socially supported. Because the grief is not dealt with, it becomes chronic and can become debilitating. Birthmothers are prime candidates for this type of grief. When I read Ms. Robinson's paper, I felt as if she was describing me.

I second many of the points that have been made in this thread. I also recommend that you do look at the adoption reform and research that has been done and is being done in Australia. Australia is light years ahead of the U.S. in the way that adoption is viewed and birthmothers are treated.

Regards,

[marimari]

Excellent points, Isabo. I wonder what is so scary about us first mothers? Are we ghosts that hauntingly remind them of their own losses as well as their participation in this happily-ever-after charade known as adoption? Yes, I recognize that some adoptions go well, yet there was still a loss that occured first. I am angry perhaps most of all due to the ignorance that exists..that if we turn our heads, close our eyes, we can pretend that we don't see what has happened, and, thus, assume no responsibility.

I, too, share a concern about the foreign adoptions, the cultural connections may well become invalidated...the theory of wanting to know one's roots will be moot. Perhaps it is easier to truthfully say that something did happen to one's parents, or that the country was war-torn, etc...and I, as the new parent, have rescued you...woo hoo for me. On the other hand, children out on the streets homeless and hungry holds no appeal for me...somehow that scenario is very different in motivation than "accepting" a child from one's own city who merely embarrassed her family or maybe did not have a good job?

Sperm donors also concern me.... all of this tampering with life, with lives... and for what purpose? hummm.

[levigram]

Isabo,

Thank you so much for your post. I will be showing my daughter. She is a birthmom who relinquished dependent on integrity of the aparents. She took a risk (although not a well-informed one) and placed. The aparents live one mile from her (and me, birthgrandmother). Her son is 8 years old and only knows that these unidentified, "how do they fit into my life" people meet him at some public place with his aparents once a year for a birthday party.

So much betrayal and deceit has been served up, we don't know what he knows and what he doesn't know. We (birth family) were in my grandson's life on a regular basis for the first year (ev 5-6 weeks) until after the final papers were signed and past the point of no return. Aparents announced to my daughter (who was suffering PTSD because of the trauma of the birth itself, then the placement) that annual visits would now be best because 1-3 years were the critical bonding years and he would be confused. What about the rejection and confusion she was feeling from them?

Long story short, 8 years later, we STILL only get to see him once a year for an average of 2 hours and amom threatened to take that away this year when I went to watch him play baseball. He had no idea I was there and they were very aware I was planning to come through a letter that was sent. They did not communicate any objection but amom confronted me with psychotic body mannerisms at the ballgame.

My daughter has been so intimidated by aparents, she has yet to become the less than accommodating birthmom. My grandson does understand that I am grandmother but he doesn't understand why I live down the street and cannot communicate with him. What are they thinking? I have sent them gifts through the years at different times when I have sent my grandson gifts. I have communicated with them and told them I love them both and support them totally as my grandson's parents.

I have a very good friend (from grade school) who works with adad. When I told my friend that my grandson was the adad's adopted son, he was flabergasted. He seriously thought my grandson was the coworkers bio son.

Your thread reply was so inspiring to me. My daughter is about to graduate with her psychology degree. I have my doctorate in education and am obtaining my masters in counseling psychology with an emphasis in adoption counseling. Again you have added to my motivation to help however I can with adoptee counseling, adoptive parents, agencies, birthparents and everyone involved in adoption.

Thanks for the information on the paper. I, too, have written our story and the pain behind it, Blended Hearts Broken Promises by Linda J. Kats, Ed.D. It can be purchased at Amazon.com or Barnes and Noble.com.

Levigram (birthgrandmother)

[Free_to_be_me]

I'm just joining this thread, but wanted to share my experience.

I placed my birthdaughter in an open adoption 10 years ago. I had counseling for about two months before she was born and then for several months afterwards. My counselor was from the agency I worked with. She did give me information about adoption, but also worked very hard to talk to me about parenting. She even went so far as to research available resources that would help me parent financially. (She told me about the day care that was at the college campus I was planning on attending and spoke privately with my parents to see if my living with them with the baby was an option.{it was}) Even now, I think she was as unbiased as a counselor could be. I last spoke to her about two years ago.

The most important thing that happened during the counseling sessions with her was that I learned how to process my grief. The loss and sorrow and grief did not go away, or even lessen, but I had someone knowledgable to talk with. She was willing to listen to me for as long as I wanted to talk. When we talked on the phone or met in person, I was the most important person in the world to her. It was very helpful to be able to take, take, take in the relationship instead of having to form a balance of give and take. I learned how to process all of my emotions and experiences better because of her and am a healthier person because of it.

Although my grief and loss weren't lessoned because of the counseling, I had an idea of what to expect and was able to work my way through a lot of the grieving process before the birth and was at a place in my mind where I was ready to say goodbye when my baby was born.

I do not know if the adoptive parents paid directly for my counseling. I believe that all adoptive parents working with the agency paid money into a pot that was divvied up between all of the birthparents who received counseling. I did not pay anything. I would not have had to pay for it if I decided to parent. My counselor made it very clear that it was my decision from the very beginning until the end. She also advocated in the hospital for me, helped with legal paperwork in the hospital and encouraged me to re-make my decision after the baby was born. She also made sure that everyone gave me the time I needed before signing the TPR.

I didn't realize at the time that this is not how many agencies operate. I know now that I was really lucky. I did very little research when I was looking for an agency. I spoke to the state about voluntarilly placing (they were really mean and wouldn't let me make any decisions, so I never called them back) and then was given the number to the agency I chose.

[FauxClaud]

Its funny..I also know that I was one of the "lucky ones"...I had a good agency. So good that when I contacted them 16 years later they responded to me within 2 days!!
I was given counselling before and had the option afterwards. The woman that I worked with DID bring up parenting resources, never made me feel unable, and also worked with me on other issues I had at the time. For whatever reason..my mind was made up and I was adamant about placing....it use to annoy me to hear about other options. They were not options to me..it was insurmountable. WHY? I still am not sure. Again, society. I thought up the adoption option..I found my agency..I choose it all. I had done a very bad thing by being stupid enough to have an affair with someone I shouldn't have..I was petrified of facing the consequences and conflicts...all probably much greater in my head than what would have turned out to be. I trully do not recall if we talked about the long term consequences of grief, but I was encouraged to feel it and work though it.
My one complaint ( now..looking back) was that they all ENABLED me to avoid it. It was made easy for me to NOT deal with the whole father issue. Just place an ad in a paper, don't name him on the birthcertificate and POOF! don't deal. It would have been better if they had made me deal with the true reality of the situation...I HAD to tell this man of his child. And I was allowed to avoid it all. I guess to their benefit?

Despite being treated well. Desipte not feeling shame afterwards. Despite my son having a good childhood..all the things that were suppose to be there were. Despite the rest of my life being good and happy....I still can see that it didn't NEED to happen...and that compounds the loss.
Yeah, things are Good...I am happy, my son is happy, he is found..we are getting to know each other, and he does not seem to be terribly effected in a negative way by the adoption....but it still does not make the adoption in itself a Good thing..just a lucky thing for us all.
The loss is just as present. My heart still aches for the child that is gone to me. Granted, now found, but years, memories, smiles, sibling relationships, knowing my mother...all gone and never to be gotten again. He knows that it wasn't necessary either..it just is and now we must keep going for their is no longer any time for another choice. Done is done.
No amount of counselling can bring back what is gone. And it is impossible ( or so it seems), at the time of crisis, to see beyond the immediate crisis. So these compounded losses only revell themselves in time. I, at 18, was not able to see about the loss of the sibling relationships between my yet unborn children..and even if I was informed..I can honestly doubt that I would have cared. I cared about getting myself out of the situation with the least immediate discomfort to myself as possible. And parties involved were too happy to comply to my wishes. And that's what sometimes gets to me now. I was an 18 year old acting like a selfish brat and I was catered too and treated like a nobel queen for it.
I wish they had just relly pissed me off..kicked me in the bum and told me to deal with the reality..face the facts...deal with the father ... face my family...accept life ...become a mother, gro up, be responsible and love my son as I could.
I would be thanking them now. But all...my mother, my self, the family friend,the agency...all too were thinking of their own agandas..and we can only be considered lucky now that that baby is as good as he is now.
Anyway I digress...the point is that counselling will never take away what is lost..and the best it can do is prepare for the possible things that will keep reveleing.

[Momof2]

I placed my daughter in 1991...the "agency" I went with provided counseling services, and an attorney to represent me (if) I chose to adopt out my child. They set me up on Medical, etc. I feel that I got the best support/ representation I could have had during my most difficult time. They were unbiased, and held several meetings with other women/ girls who had given up their babies, who had a story to tell as well. My adoption is VERY open, to this day I attend functions for my daughter, and am involved in her life. Although she is not aware I am in fact her birth mother, she will know when the time is right, that she was not abandoned or unloved by her natural mom. I believe that counseling, along with openness helps GREATLY. I have had many emotions...I have had good days, and bad days but all in all, I feel confident knowing that she is having the life I could not provide. The "A" parents respect me, and I respect them as well. Almost 14 years later, we send pictures, I can call anytime, and we TRUST one another greatly.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Momof2

My adoption is VERY open, to this day I attend functions for my daughter, and am involved in her life. Although she is not aware I am in fact her birth mother, she will know when the time is right, that she was not abandoned or unloved by her natural mom.

I am sorry to say this, but your adoption is not truly open. For it to be truly open your daughter needs to be involved in it. Can I ask why your identity has been kept a secret from your daughter? Most children in open adoptions are told who their birthparents are as soon as they can understand reproduction, sometime around 3 years old. They grow up always knowing.

[Momof2]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

I am sorry to say this, but your adoption is not truly open. For it to be truly open your daughter needs to be involved in it. Can I ask why your identity has been kept a secret from your daughter? Most children in open adoptions are told who their birthparents are as soon as they can understand reproduction, sometime around 3 years old. They grow up always knowing.

14 years ago, when she was born, this was an open adoption. I still believe that it would have been too confusing for her at the age of three to have known all of that information, and I can't understand why some have divulged so much so young. But that is what makes every "open" adoption unique in its special way. For you to say this is not an open adoption, is not exactly correct. Tell the adoptive familes that refuse to have any contact with the birth mother our story, and you would hear them say this is a VERY open adoption. Most of the aparents friends' can not fathom having contact with a birth Mom, and ask them why they would feel so secure to do things the way we have.

I have heard stories about birth mom's being more involved, but I don't think I could do that, personally. "Open" means still seeing, still being, still knowing how things are going on a continued level.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Momof2

I have heard stories about birth mom's being more involved, but I don't think I could do that, personally. "Open" means still seeing, still being, still knowing how things are going on a continued level.

Yes, no doubt it is open for you. But to your daughter it is as closed as any adoption from the 60's. Even more, because everyone around her has information about her life yet they are not sharing it with her. I know a few adopted people in her situation. Do not be surprised if she feels duped.

How old do you think she needs to be to know who you are?