[merrie]

I've posted here several times, but for those who don't know my story.. here is the short version. Due to my circumstances 25 years ago I gave my 2 sons up for adoption. It was suppose to be an open adoption, but wasn't. I never got over the loss. On August 16, 2004 (almost 9 months ago) my oldest son Jeremy took his own life. I was kept from the funeral home by court order. I have nightmares when I sleep, I wake up crying and find it almost impossible to get out of bed and face another day. Tomorrow I'm going to the cemetary for the first time. I have put it off because I don't know if I can stand to see my son's name on a grave marker. Every time I think about it, I get sick. My family believes it will help end the nightmares if I go. I'm so torn I don't know what to do. In my heart I know Jeremy is in a better place and not hurting anymore, for that I thank God. Yet I feel like my going to the cemetary is like a last good-bye and I'll never be ready for that. Anyway, I really need your prayers to help me through tomorrow. If you would like to help me remember him, Jeremy's memorial page is located at www.myjeremy.homestead.com

[levigram]

Merrie,

You need to go with your heart about visiting his burial site. Please let go of your guilt and forgive yourself. God forgives you, Jeremy forgives you, now you need to forgive you. It's not your fault that any of this happened. The adoption occurred for whatever reasons, again NOT your fault. You can take responsibility for decisions but the unhappy ending you see right now is NOT your fault. Please forgive yourself!

[restalyne]

Why were you not allowed to attend the funeral by court order? I don't understand ...

[LilPeggy]

I have not exactly walked in your shoes but ... My daughter who I gave up at 6 months to be adopted has a twin, her name is Lena.

The first few years after her death I couldn't go to the cemetary. I knew where she was burried with my aunt and uncle. You see I had no money to pay.

After a few years had passed and my open adoption was going awry I broke down and went to see Lena. Now, every year on they're birthday I hand pick my flowers to lay upon where her tiny casket lies. When I lived in florida and couldn't come home I'd do it when I came home even if it was dead of winter.

They wouldn't let me see or hold her she passed away before I fully awoke from surgery. She's in my heart. I feel her presence as do I her sister's. I can feel when she's visitng her parents, she's so close but yet I can't see or touch her. Call it a mother's intution I have no other explaination for it.

So my advice would be to go. Sit on his grave and say all the things you couldn't before. May you find the peace that you so richly deserve
LilPeggy

The only prison is the prison of self. Sometimes the prison walls must come down before we can truely find peace.