[Skye Hardwick]

Hi there,

Some of you may have no idea who I am, lol. It's been that long - I really don't post on this forum, or most adoption forums (other than my private one) much anymore. Though, when you do some searching on the forums, you may come across some old posts of mine.

I'm Skye ... lifemom to Emily, who is now 6 and a half. Wow, how'd that happen? Seems like yesterday my daughter was a year old and I was hired by adopting.org to write for them and moderate the bMom forums (they then merged with adoption.com and here we all are). A few of you may know me from the bMom's website I have as well.

Anyways - just an update - how I survived the first six and a half years of birth-motherhood. I wish I could say a blanket "It gets better" ..but, I don't think that is the right thing to say. So, I won't. It's a hard road, but for me, I had to either start walking or start becoming one with the road (because I was sitting in one spot too long).

I will say that you do learn to laugh again, truly laugh. And smile. You know, that kind of smile that starts deep from within. For me, it came in the realization that I didn't have to "move on" from my daughter or my adoption choice, but move forward. When you move on ...you leave it behind, but when you move forward, you take it with you. And moving foward doesn't mean "adoption is good, yay!" ...it just means you love yourself and deserve to be happy in spite of outside circumstances.

I realized that it is okay for me to have not only a good life, but an abundant life, full of love and joy ... even in the midst of immense pain. I don't have to punish myself for the choices I've once made, even though it's pretty tempting sometimes!

Now that my daughter is getting older, I realize that pretty darn soon I will be talking less and less adoption with her mother and more directly with her. Her adoption story is her own ...her mom nor I own it (or her) and soon she'll want answers for herself. So, I need to be more and more prepared for what's coming ...and that doesn't scare me like it used to.

When she was a baby I had visions of her grilling me and being angry at me and hating me for what I had chosen. But now ...I know there will be times she will be angry at me, times when she will think she hates me ...times she will grill me - and that's okay. It really is. I accept all of her ..even the parts that aren't okay with things adoption related.

I also realized that I don't have to be defined as only a birthmom, you know ...the poor, unmarried young girl that found her way into an adoption agency at age 19. Now, I am a successful business woman, parenting a beautiful son ...enjoying life - and also someone who tries to help out local young moms who may feel they don't measure up. I know, I've been there. I know the adoption agency always tried to paint me as the forever young unmarried girl. Ugh.

Anyways - that is an update on me. I hope to pop more often than I do ...but beleive it or not I'm actually taking a total adoption break ..but felt the need to drop in anyways.

Take care,

Skye

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Awesome, Skye.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Beautifully written, Skye. Thanks for the update. Always good to know that you're doing well.

I like a couple of points that you made:

When you move on ...you leave it behind, but when you move forward, you take it with you. And moving foward doesn't mean "adoption is good, yay!" ...it just means you love yourself and deserve to be happy in spite of outside circumstances.

First of all, thank you for wording it like that. I try, with all my might, to explain it to some thick-skulled people (some family members!) that I have every right to be happy. Most don't get it. And why? Well, that's directly related to the next piece that I will quote:

I know the adoption agency always tried to paint me as the forever young unmarried girl.

Guh. So unbelievably and sadly true. Not only are agencies guilty of this, but the un-adoption-educated people in the world. No one seems to grasp the fact that Birthparents can grow up and lead rather successful lives. So many are often shocked when I say what it is that I do, that I am married and that we're expecting our own child. I don't see what's so shocking. I hit rock bottom and picked myself up. Hmph. I get a bit indignant on the issue.

In short, I just wanted to say hi, glad you're doing well and thank you for making more (&continuous) good points.

Bless you.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

, with all my might, to explain it to some thick-skulled people

I guess I would be my own thick-skulled person. *sigh* Keep bringing it out guys.... I hear this... stuff... I just dont FEEL it... but I want to. Or maybe I dont. Bleh. It does make me happy that others can get through it though.... Skye, my daughter is 5 1/3 now!! Keep bringing hope, this is the week for it.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

Keep bringing it out guys....

You deserve the world, my dear. And more. Believe it. *hugs*

[Skye Hardwick]

Thanks ladies.

I think it's pretty ironic though ..that most likely in the next two years, I will be making more money on my own than my daughter's parents do -- so much for the agencies belief that if you have a baby broke, you will always be broke.

1fan,

I was trying hard not to convey the message of "When your child is six years old, you will be fine!" -- some never find a way to say to themselves "I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy in spite of the past/past choices". For some it takes less time, and others more time ... regardless of how long you've been a firstmom, your journey is your own and we are here for you as you walk along.

And really, none of us are ever really "fine" ...but between the heartaches, we can be happy and have joy. I suppose I just opened myself up to it. When you say, "I don't deserve it", you close yourself up.

I don't know ..too much thinking coming from me.

Skye

[loveccl]

Skye,

I'm glad your still around and its great to get an update from you. I know it seems our lives get so busy these days. The simple act of stopping to check in and say hi on here is something we are all always meaning to do. As usual your words have inspired many thoughts. I guess for me its just great knowing your doing good and your still around. I myself try to check in but most of the time come here when I need to know its ok to FEEL. This place helps me feel not so alone. So thanks for checking in with us and being our friend.

Great big Hugs of friendship to you!

loveccl/Darcy

[Skye Hardwick]

Aw, good seeing you too Darcy! I'll try to pop in when I can!

Skye

[Opus]

Skye -

Good to hear that you are still around. As an adoptive parent, I've always appreciated the honest (and kind) perspective you presented through your articles and posts here at the forums (and other sites). It certainly goes a long way as we dialogue about the issues that affect our kids as well as the rest of us in the triad.

Many thanks...