[hopeful0712]

I placed my first child, a son, when I was 19 almost 20. It was a closed adoption. I went for counseling throughout my pregnancy once I admitted to myself that I was going to have a baby. Throughout the counseling I was told that I would be actively involved in choosing the parents for my child. I only remember reading 3 bios I believe. I chose aparents that were well established, in their late 30’s, early 40’s. Their physical features closely matched mine and the bdad’s. They were the same faith and had the same values as I was raised with. They were not able to have children so they were seeking to adopt. The amom was going to leave her job to be a stay at home mom. It all seemed so perfect. I found the perfect family in my eyes and my child was going to have everything that I was not able to provide. Two parents to love him – a mom and dad. I only had my mom. My parents split when I was a young teen. Never had a relationship with him. Never will. I did not want to raise my child with out a dad.
The bdad wanted nothing to do with my son. Would not even admit that he was the dad. That hurt because even though he was not the “perfect” boyfriend and did cheat on me I at least wanted him to be there for our son. At least see him and say his goodbyes. Acknowledge his own flesh and blood. That did not happen. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the “kid” and that I was on my own. He was not signing papers and that was that. I hoped that he might change his mind before I delivered our son but that didn’t happen. His parents never knew that they were going to be grandparents.
I delivered my little firecracker on the 4th of July in 1984. He was perfect! I will never forget those big eyes staring back at me as if to look right into my soul. I spent 3 glorious days with him. I kept him with me at all times. Many said that it would make it harder to let go but I needed to do that. I needed to have my time with him. I held him, fed him, changed him, named him (after my Moms deceased Dad). He was my first born and I felt I owed him that. On the last day with him I held him and told him that I loved him and that he was going to have a good life with a good family that could provide him all that he deserved. I told him that I hoped to see him again one day.
I’ll never forget leaving the hospital that day. I was wheeled out and got in the car and drove away. I felt so empty and numb. It was the worst day of my life. Saying goodbye to my sweet baby boy, never knowing if I would ever see him again. Now here I am 20 years later and that emptiness is still there. The numbness has subsided some, but that missing piece is missed so much! I was never told about open adoption. I didn’t even know there was such a thing until I found this wonderful forum. God how I wished I would have known. I did write my son a letter that the aparents agreed to give to him when he was 18. I don’t know if that happened but I pray they did. I just needed him to hear my side of the story so that he would know that he is loved and I didn't abandon him. As of yet I am still waiting for him to find me. I feel that it is his decision. I don’t want to intrude on his life or create any problems for him. Maybe he has moved on and past all this. I just want to know that he is OK. I would love to know what he looks like, what he has done with his life so far. Has it been a good life? Let him know that he has two sisters. That he still holds a place in my heart that is his and his only. Are there any other bmom’s that feel like this? Do you wonder about your child every day after all the year’s and pray that one day you’ll get the call or the letter or the email? How do you overcome the emptiness? I was better when I was younger because I just went on existing. Never forgot about him but just somehow moved on. Since finding this forum all the old feelings have surfaced and have hit me like a ton of bricks. What do I do now? Please, any advice? Thanks in advance for your replies.
God bless,
Robin

[maryjanek]

Robin, I understand your feelings. I felt the same way until I finally was reunited with my son when he was 29 years old. Your profile says you are searching, but you say in your post that you don't want to intrude on your son's life. After my son was 21 I wanted to search but felt the same way. So I signed on to the ISRR, which unites people who are searching for each other. He never looked for me, though, so there was never a match.

I slid into a depression after several years, went for counseling, and finally realized, after reading adoptees' posts on the internet, that it was almost certain he had questions about his roots that only I could answer, but that it was very risky emotionally for him to search for me. What if I "rejected" him a second time? So I went back to the adoption agency -- a tremendous emotional hurdle for me -- and started a search with an intermediary. That way he could say no to contact without feeling pressured, if that's what he wanted to do.

Amazingly, his response was both quick and positive. The people who've known him all his life say reunion has been good for him. I know it's been good for me. I've healed and grown in many ways. He's learned about family connections that helped him understand himself better and expanded his family beyond his small but loving adoptive family. His abrother is also in a happy reunion with his bmother, after initiating a search on his own.

I know every reunion is different. But I think it's worth the risks to try. Your son is still young so you may need to be patient. I hope he got your letter and knows he was always loved.

Mary Jane

[hopeful0712]

Mary Jane,
Thank you for your response. I am searching via internet, not really an ACTIVE search. I am posted here in case he happens to see it he can reply if he so desires. I am registered on ISRR also. Nothing yet. For now, I will wait. Given time, maybe I will pursue further but I am afraid of intruding on his life. Anyway, thank you and happiness to you and your son.
God bless,
Robin

[Montraviatommyg]

Robin,

I understand exactly how you feel. Like you I was 19 when I realised I was pregnant, shortly after splitting up from a bad relationship. My parents decided my baby was going to adopted whether I liked it not so was basically bullied and suffered emotional blackmail until I agreed. It was a closed adoption - open adoptions are still relatively new here in the UK and frowned upon by social workers.

For 23 years I suffered that emptyness made worse by the fact that my bson was only mentioned 3 times over the years. Incidently I did receive a letter from his mum and she informed me that they kept his 2nd name (dad's 1st name) but changed his first name so have always thought of him by that name. He started searching for me in 1999 when he turned 18 but I found him last August 5 days after his birthday as he had put my details on a website. Eight months down the line we are still in reunion . There have been plenty of special moments but my two favourites have been when he called me mum for the first time (I didn't ask him to) and him texting me on my birthday with the words 'happy birthday mummy'.

Over the years I learnt to cope but I did find the years between 1999 and 2004 hard at times though as I knew he was old enough to search and I didn't have a clue how to. I had also been told I couldn't search when he was adopted so it was a shock when I did find my bson. I have never regretted contacting him though and it was a relief to know he was alive, well and to be told about his life.

Keep posting it does help and there is so much support here.

Philippa

[hopeful0712]

Thanks Phillipa,
I have read your posts about your reunion and I am so happy for you and your son. I love this forum. It has helped me so much. I wish I would have known about it a long time ago! I will continue to share my story as it unfolds. Thanks again.
God bless,
Robin

[YanaDi]

[i]Hopeful0712
I too am so saddened/depressed about letting my beautiful son go away. Now it has been 21 years that I have been trying to figure how/why could I have ever my own flesh & blood go away! Sometimes in this life though I realize things usually happen for a reason & that only "GOD" himself actually knows the real deal.

I read your letter on here & truelly it so touched my heart, I ended up crying to know there is someone that actually thinks/feels somewhat like I do. I Pray all the time for "GOD" to allow my son Vicente Miguel Gonzin(B-N) (D-O-B)02-14-84,
(P-O-B)Arcadia Florida & I to see each other so that I can speak with him personally one on one & explain(try to explain) everything to him.

I thought at one time on this Website that he had found me due to a phone call I received, but apparently it wasn't him or maybe he has decided after hearing about me that he no longer wanted contact with me at this time. This has broken my heart terribly bad, I feel so lost, confused & depressed too, I just do not know where to go from here. Please "Pray" that "GOD'S" will be done & for me to be able to accept whatever eventually happens.

I too will be "Praying" for you & your son, your little "Firecracker"...My son is "My Baby Valentine", he was born on Valentines Day. Please take good care of you, I hope/Pray that all your dreams in reference to a Reunion with your son come true very soon. "God Bless you & your family, may He keep you'Z forever safe in His arms of Love"

Sincerely, JoAnne Gonzin

[antifloyd]

Robin, I think we ALL (bmoms) feel this way! (or at least most of us)
Depending on where you are, I don't know that open adoption was available in 1984. It sure wasn't in 1981 when I placed my daughter in CO. I didn't even get to choose the aparents.
I, too, felt like it wasn't my place to search. Of course, I might have changed my mind about that if I had had to wait past her 18th b-day ... lucky for me that her aparents contacted me right after her 16th b-day.
I think it's great that you are registered, but I don't think it's a terrible idea for you to be a little more pro-active. You're never going to stop wondering about your son. Can you contact the agency you used? (assuming you used an agency)
Phillipa, it always makes me sad when I read about you not being able to talk about your son all those years. It was bad enough for me, and I never had to keep quiet. My mom was very supportive. Although, I never did tell my maternal grandparents up to their deaths ... they were very conservative and since I live in a different state and I was their favorite grandchild, it was easier not to tell them. On my dad's side, though, everyone knew/knows. Not necessarily at the time I was pregnant, but I told them later ... long before I was reunited.

[FauxClaud]

I was ging to wait until my son was "ready"
Then I was just going to wait for him to be 18 when I realized that often they don't search unitl hey are nuch olde and waiting another 18 years had no appeal to me.
The one day, I just burst...and I looked and I found him!!
But still I waited for his folks approval.
And then I found him and I could talk to him via the internet.
And I did.
He never thought he could search. He thought he would never know me.
It has been an amazing time. He is so happy. I am so happy.
And that feeling of sadness is over.
I forgot to be patient, I forgot the rules when i saw it was him...and nothing is left but pure joy.
You never know until you try..i could still be waiting, but this is a heck of a lot better!!
Take the chance and live. Its beautiful.

[Duchie]

Claud -

I think finding your bson is wonderful and I wish you many years of happiness.

you stated.... "But still I waited for his folks approval.
And then I found him and I could talk to him via the internet.
And I did."

That's terrific that you took everybody's feelings into account. I mean being an adoptee, it's wonderful to have both my families in my life and their abundant acceptance of one another without having to worry about deceit.

Good luck in your reunion.

Duchie

[restalyne]

I felt the same way...did not want to intrude and made half-hearted attempts to find him over the years only to back out as I did not believe I deserved to find him. He finally found me and we are very close...I had PTSD during the early months...flashbacks to the time of my pregnancy...long buried emotions...even anger at my dead mother for foracing this upon me....I am still working on overcoming feelings of unworthiness..this is very, very hard work...

[restalyne]

Final thought...You never overcome the emptiness...Just learn to live with it....I had signed a release at the time of relinquishment that he could contact me at age 18..catholic charities never told him that and he finally found me at age 40...so many wasted years...and I did not feel worthy enough to contact him...so, it never goes away...hang in there...

[Montraviatommyg]

restalyne,

Although I didn't search for my bson I've gone through the same emotions as you. It's got easier to deal with these emotions since reunion though I hate it when I feel low as they come back and are so overwhelming at times. When this happens I make myself busy to keep my mind of it.

Philippa

[stacyone]

Claud, did his parents, in fact, approve? Or did you contact him without their knowledge?

Just curious.

[FauxClaud]

To date, unfortunatly, his parents do not yet know.
I truthfully do not like it that way and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I am torn by my desire to get to know him unecumbured by the rest of the world..just for a little bit, his feelings...which are to keep them in the dark, and the respect that they do deserve as his parents to know about this.
It feels deceitful, it feels dishonest, and it is the only cloud on the horizon of an other wise wonderful experience. I know I fear their justifable hurt and anger that it happened like this. I know he is acting like he would rather avoid their reaction too, yet, I know it is necessary, ineveitable and only fair. Plus the longer the "betrayal" the worse it shall be for them and I do not wish it to be at all.
I am working right now to right the wrong and tell them while not overstepping on his feelings in this. It's a fine line with lots of people's feelings involved and in a sense, we were all wrong.
I was proabaly wrong for giving in to the temptation of writing to him and putting us in this position, though the joy I have of it does superseed the guilt. Yet, why must I feel gulity for giving in to selfishness for the first time ever in our connections with each other? The one time I needed to think only of my own desires in regards to knowing my son..for only 5 minutes of weakness..I was able to break though years past and years of potential silence. Yes, I feel bad, but I am still glad it happened. I didn't expect him to suddenly be in my face..just a keyboard away...maybe these things are just ment to be sometimes?? There he was..I reached out..there was no choice for me.
I think this could have been avioded if they had told him when I first contacted them. I know they had their reasons..and the main one being that he didn't ask about me. They were waiting for him to seem "ready" ..to ask..to be interested. I can see their point and I do not wish to hold it against them at all. Done is done..move on.
I wish he had talked to them about me all along...then they would have not thought what they thought. He would never have been "ready" to them. He didn't know he could search..ever.
I think we proabably could have gone on for years just assuming that we were doing what the others wanted..what was expected..and lost even more. I am tired of secrets and losses.
His mom had expressed to me that she was comforted by the fact that if he should search that he would be loved by many people. I am hoping that they can see past what they thought as his wants, my disregard for them by contacting him directly, and we can all just enjoy the heck out of one amazing creature that we all created together...and allow him to just enjoy all his families.
A good friend just asked me the other day about why I didn't just wait for him to be 18 and then we could tell them? As if at 18, they would feel any differently about him as their son..it wouldn't matter?? Nah, it happened now..we deal with it now.
Its adoption..reality of it is that he has two families. Now we just got to reach out to hold hands together.
So..I'll be reaching..hoping to overcome the gap.


oh, and people should get their facts straight when they send nasty rep messages...mmmkay??

[Montraviatommyg]

Claud,

It made me sad reading your post but can relate - my son hasn't told his parents about our reunion which is now over 8 months. When we were reunited I found out he had been in contact with my parents for 5 years but they didn't tell him where I was or me that they had contact. The excuse was that they didn't know if my husband knew about my son yet my sister had told him shortly after we got married. It hurt badly that my parents had done this to us and it took me a long time to forgive them. I feel that my son should tell his parents we are in reunion but haven't pushed the issue with him as he knows them and I don't. It does worry me though about how hurt they will be if they find out but it's not my place to do anything about it.

Philippa