[tron1]

Hi,

I have been reading and hearing some horror stories lately about partners in younger years having given up their child for adoption and after a while they met someone else, fallen in love and get married. Then after a few years the birth child traces and contacts the birth parent but their partner does not want to know and the marriage has broken down because they said the marriage wasn't strong enough. When I first heard this I thought what a 'LOAD OF CRAP'. You see when you love your partner you should support them through thick and thin, yes it may be hard but it does need doing.

Question: What is more important pride or your partner? If the answer is pride give yourself a kick up the arse, you see when you marry you marry in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part. If you are having trouble with this get in contact with me and I will talk this through with you. But remember this your partner is still the same person you fell in love with except they have now got someone special in their lives. This should be celebrated not put down to a bad experience.

From a husband supporting his wife
tron1

[Lis6191]

tron, I can definitely see where reunion could impact a marriage. My hubby knew from day 1 that I was adopted and would someday search for my birthfamily. Well, bmom found me first and I wasn't quite ready yet. After an 8 year emotional tirade on my part I can say that hubby is still here . . . feeling helpless at times, distraught at times, confused at times . . . but he is still here

And now he is going to have 2 mother-in-laws !!!! hee, hee

[Montraviatommyg]

Lis,

The thought of your hubby having 2 mum-in-laws has really made me giggle.

Montravia

[chighaz]

I had my son 2 years before I met my husband. I told him about it when we started dating seriously. I could not imagine entering marriage with such an important life event being a secret. Even though it was 1967 and there was still much of the stigma of unwed motherhood in the small town mentality of where we grew up, we accepted each other, accompanying baggage and all. In the 30 plus years we have been married, we have had problems, some major, but the topic of my bson was never a part of those problems. He is very supportive of our reunion- granted it is in the early stages. I am glad to hear from a man who is also understanding. After all, our life experiences are what shape us a human beings. Thanks, Tron. Gee, I wonder if my bson's wife has considered the prospect of having 2 mother-in-laws!!!
c.

[Lis6191]

I'm not sure having 2 mother-in-laws was what my husband was expecting at the end of this, but undoubtedly that's what he's getting.

Seems funny, "Honey, as your reward for persevering and sticking by me thru thick and thin, I'm going to give you a second mother-in-law." hee, hee

[Montraviatommyg]

I have also had thought if my bson ever marries as then it would be a case of her suffering 2 mum-in-laws particularly as my bson hasn't got a sense of humour and he thinks my sense of humour is terrible. I have joked in the past that it's not my fault that the midwife dropped him on his head and knocked it out of him but he does see the funny side of that one now. On top of that there is my husband to contend with as his sense of humour is even worse than mine!

Montravia

[Lis6191]

Now I'm really LOL Montravia, you are so funny. I know this is getting way off the subject . . . but I, too, was a very serious person with no sense of humor (like your son) and something is happening within me over this past year and I seem to be laughing more and even cracking jokes. I have to believe that I am just finally reaching a happier place in my life. They say laughter is therapy for the soul. We should all try to make each laugh more on this forum

[suzherm]

I am glad I found this thread. I think I posted elsewhere about this.

As a natural mom searching for her daughter, in touch with her ex via email (daughters father) - with spouses that are less than understanding. Been talking privately with some folks about this issue (as my spouse and my ex and his frequent these boards so I have to be careful what I post - for fear it will be misunderstood and cause more drama).

I got some good advice from a friend that I wanted to share with others.

My friend (a bdad in reunion) wrote me:

" hope you do find your daughter.... and when you do ,,,,be sure to let her know that she was born out of love......and that you have always loved her and thought about her.......for my daughter......this was a HUGE relief.....she said that those comments were the most important things she has ever heard........as for what will happen with your ex......you will both probably be very drawn to each other early in the reunion process....it happened with me......you should solve these issue's now......WHEN you reunite.........your emotions will be so completely through the roof, you will have difficulty making rational decisions.......I'm going through it now........and I'm the most level headed and rational type of guy there is....

I understand about how each of your spouses feel about the other partner........I have now found that it's important for each spouse to realize that for a successful reunion......EVERYONE needs to get along...AND refrain from saying negative things about the other parent/spouse.

My daughter now tells me that she doesn't want my wife to ever say anything bad about her b-mom......so now.....my wife has agreed to apologize to my daughter for writing some negative comments about my ex girlfriend (my daughters b-mom).....this way....my daughter can come into my home and feel comfortable.....there's a lot to work to do now for you...set this up now the best that you can......seriously work out the issues with your ex......"

Hope my friends thoughts help others as they helped me.

[tron1]

Hi,

I don't know quite what to say about this I know if my wife was in contact with her bson's dad I would flip a lid about that one but on the other side of the coin I feel that pride is coming into play here. Pride can take all sorts of shapes and disguises. You see if I thought my wife was in contact with her ex that would totally cut me up big time so in that respect I can understand the way your partner may be feeling. This boils down to pride and trust within your relationship. Do I trust my wife? Yes with my life. Would I trust her ex? No not at all ok.

But saying that your partner should support you in searching for your child and to be there for you at all times. My wife is in reunion with her bson and I stay in the background just in case they need me for anything. Please read 'Listening ears' which I have written , to find out more.

I wish you all the luck in the world and a great reunion with your child.

All the best,
tron1
A husband supporting his wife

[Lis6191]

suzherm, I can think of a couple other threads that will benefit from your post. Have you seen the posts by saracat -- her hubby was found by his bdaughter and they are having a rough go of things.

[suzherm]

yes, I have seen (just a second ago) saracats post. I will review again. I think an additional challenge that goes unnoticed and unspoken about with the reunions is that it is not just the natural parents and their child. In many cases, there are spouses, other children, etc. that are also effected. While there can be support. books, etc. for the natural parents and the adoptee, there is little resources for the spouses (who also have many emotional feelings). I am sure most spouses want to be supportive, but its very hard not to be threatended, fearful of someone who came before you and your children. I cannot tell you how many conversations my husband and I have had this topic.

[suzherm]

Originally Posted by tron1

Hi,

I don't know quite what to say about this I know if my wife was in contact with her bson's dad I would flip a lid about that one but on the other side of the coin I feel that pride is coming into play here. Pride can take all sorts of shapes and disguises. You see if I thought my wife was in contact with her ex that would totally cut me up big time so in that respect I can understand the way your partner may be feeling.

Tron1 - I agree and understand. Wanted to add to your statement that I think contact with the ex can take a variety of forms and level of emotions.

Alot can depend on what happened with the relationship, the pregnancy, the adoption.

In some cases, the natural fathers were awful rotten horrible people.

In others, they may have been young teenage boys who had no support system of their own, lots fear, etc. They may have wanted to be with the mother but her parents forbade it.

And in still others there are cases of rape, incest, molestation and abuse.

I suppose simliar things could be said by woman/female/non-bmom about their husbands (natural fathers) ex. Feelings about contact can vary depending on the circumstances.

The relations to the ex - can vary - depending on the past.

For me personally, I feel I owe it to my daughter to be decent and respectful to my ex and his wife and their children. They are, after all, her father, his wife, and her half siblings.

Like my friend said in my quote above - If I should reunite with my daughter, I will not tolerate my husband speaking ill of her father. A) he does not know him b) he would only be hurting her - when what he would really want to be doing is hurting me or her father.

I seriously doubt my husband would even do that but things come out in odd ways, sarcasm, snide comments, "joking".

For me, its all about healing, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance.

[tron1]

thankyou i shall look into that side a bit more. you have opened my eyes a lot more thankyou

[suzherm]

Whoops, looks like I offended someone with my terminology of natural mom.

Just wanted to point out that there are lots of different terms to refer to members of the adoption community - birthmother, lifemom, firstmom, natural mom, amom, bmom, bdad, adopter, adoptee, adad, etc. While some may find natural mom offensive, I dislike birthmother. As such, I refer to myself as natural mom.

Never intended to offended anyone. Just using words familiar and comfortable to me.

[FatBirdy]

Hello all. Wanted to join this thread. As Tron already knows I really enjoy his posts - and totally support him! Thanks Tron for speaking up!

I am a reunited adoptee. I was in a reunion for quite some time but when hubby couldn't take my reappearance anymore I got the boot. He was very jealous, threatened and not at all supportive of bmom. It's all very sad. Of course he is not the only issue but I feel confident in saying that he was the major issue as to why we don't talk anymore.