[Montraviatommyg]

Suz,

I'm a bmum and just to let you know I for one am not offended by you referring to yourself as 'natural mum' so I hope others feel the same. There is a group I belong to that insists that birth mothers are referred to as natural mothers - one of the reasons being that it makes birth mothers sound like women giving birth just to have the baby adopted. As we all know the reality of this is usually completely different, if any surrogate mothers are reading this the last thing I want to do is offend you as I think surrogate mothers are courageous.

Montravia

[tron1]

Originally Posted by suzherm

Tron1 - I agree and understand. Wanted to add to your statement that I think contact with the ex can take a variety of forms and level of emotions.

Alot can depend on what happened with the relationship, the pregnancy, the adoption.

In some cases, the natural fathers were awful rotten horrible people.

In others, they may have been young teenage boys who had no support system of their own, lots fear, etc. They may have wanted to be with the mother but her parents forbade it.

And in still others there are cases of rape, incest, molestation and abuse.

I suppose simliar things could be said by woman/female/non-bmom about their husbands (natural fathers) ex. Feelings about contact can vary depending on the circumstances.

The relations to the ex - can vary - depending on the past.

For me personally, I feel I owe it to my daughter to be decent and respectful to my ex and his wife and their children. They are, after all, her father, his wife, and her half siblings.

Like my friend said in my quote above - If I should reunite with my daughter, I will not tolerate my husband speaking ill of her father. A) he does not know him b) he would only be hurting her - when what he would really want to be doing is hurting me or her father.

I seriously doubt my husband would even do that but things come out in odd ways, sarcasm, snide comments, "joking".

For me, its all about healing, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance.

I have been thinking about what you have said and I agree there is a broader scope to different people. You see I said what I said just basing it on what my wife has been through

Thank you for opening up my eyes on this issue.
God bless from
tron 1

[suzherm]

Originally Posted by tron1

I have been thinking about what you have said and I agree there is a broader scope to different people. You see I said what I said just basing it on what my wife has been through

Thank you for opening up my eyes on this issue.
God bless from
tron 1

Awww, Tron1, thanks for the feedback. I am glad to know something I said was helpful or made you think. One of the many things I love about these forums and sharing with others - the opportunity to see a different point of view and as a result for me to grow as a person.

I think what you said/do is quite normal. I think most people (all?) benchmark the rest of the world based on their own experiences.

For example, for me, for a long long time I blamed my daughters father for a lot that he was not responsible for. I needed/wanted to hate the world and he was my object of hate. It was easy to blame him. He was out of my life. He left me. I had no reason to shoulder responsbility for my own actions, to hold my own family and support system accountable when I had him to blame.

As I grew as a person, started my own adoption recovery work, I realized he was not the evil doer I thought he was. He was no better or worse than me. A victim of circumstance. I had set him up in my mind (and in the minds of others) as a heartless clod. He is nothing of the sort (and never was).

So I guess my point was that not all ex'es are bad. Some are set up that way by the natural mom, her family, society, and more.

Peace.

[Montraviatommyg]

Suz,

It's been good reading everything you've written on this thread - a bit rang true about my ex. I was more angry with my ex about the way we split up as we had both been told lies about the other but whereas I wanted to make things work, he didn't. My act of revenge was not to tell him I was pregnant but that is where my anger ended with him - I was more angry with my family for the pressure they put me through to go ahead with the adoption.

Although I never forgot my bson I put on act and got on with my life which was enforced by the adoption only being mentioned 3 times over the years. It took reunion with my bson to put my feelings into perspective including how I felt about my ex and it took a few months to realize like you that he is no better or worse than me. At the end of the day it was just circumstances and I feel nothing for him - what happened can't be changed and I can get on with my life.

I have worked through my pain with help from my husband about how I feel/have felt about my family over the adoption issue. My anger has been worked through and I have forgiven my parents for the pressure they put me through but most importantly my anger towards myself has been resolved.

Montravia

[suzherm]

Originally Posted by Montraviatommyg

...but most importantly my anger towards myself has been resolved.

Montravia

I think this is the hardest part for many people - to forgive themselves.

For me it helped when I was able to apologize to my daughters father, to explain to him my side of things, to hear his.

Some family and friends still dont understand why I dont "hate him". I dont expect them to ever understand. They dont know the entire story, they dont know what we went through, etc.

I do expect them to respect my feelings and those of my daughter (if/when the day comes that she is in our life.)

Terrible what carrying guilt and anger for 19 years can do to a person, you know?

[tron1]

When you look at the world today and we see suffering and pain. Yet I hear of partners not supporting their husbands or wifes in reunion with their child this makes me feel sad because when we look at Africa and see kids on their own wondering where their family is and whether they are dead or alive now that is hard for them. Who is there for them?

We can do something so small and that is just give our love to our partners and their kids and vice versa. Please don't turn your backs on your families, we all need someone to love and feel wanted.

God bless you all,
tron1