[Lis6191]

I became very engrossed in Jackie’s thread regarding reunion & shed tears for many of you. Someone mentioned that you were all talking about struggles with bsons . . . well, I am here to tell you that I am a bdaughter & my bmom has had it pretty bad. So, if you don’t mind the confession of an adoptee, it may help me to tell my story & it may help some of you understand why reunions can be so tough on us.

** Long Post Warning **

My bmom contacted me 8 years ago (yes, I said 8 . . . it was March 1997) & I’m not sure I can say we are in reunion yet. We write letters & have met for coffee once. She lives less than an hour away, so geography is not the cause of the “distance.” To put it plain & simple, I’m scared. Scared to death. Scared of everything. Not to mention confused, angry, carrying tremendous guilt & for most of my life in denial.

The fear, confusion, & anger are all understandable as long as they can be admitted. The problem is rooted in denial because you can't make someone admit what they are denying. The guilt was very hard for me to see & was a very recent realization.

So, let me go back 33 years & tell you that at 3.5 weeks old I was adopted into a wonderful family. The perfect family. A big Italian family, very close knit, & I was never, ever treated “different.” I have wonderful loving parents, sibs, aunts, uncles, & loads of cousins. It was never a secret that I was adopted, but wasn’t discussed. My parents will rationalize that they didn’t want to make me feel different; that in every sense I was theirs & part of this family; & they truly felt love would conquer all. The down side to this was my feelings were never validated. The most common answers to my questions: 1) We don’t know anything about them, honey, we just know they were too young to keep you. And 2) It doesn’t matter, because we love you. Yes, you read that correctly, “It doesn’t matter.” I recently came to the realization that denial for me came at a young age when I was told my feelings didn’t matter.

As a result of never talking about it, I have struggled with the words to express my feelings. And apparently no matter what words I use I’m still not understood . . . by anyone. Friends, family, hubby . . . all got tired of hearing it at some point, & again I reverted into denial – what I’ve now come to call solitary confinement. So, I ran. I’m the master of compulsions. And all this time, keeping my bmom at arms length, not too close, but not letting go of her either. You talk about waiting for that next letter, there have been some years when my bmom has only gotten 1 letter all year.

So, let me share with you what I’ve learned about myself & point out the biggest oxymoron that I think many of us adoptees stuggle with:

We go our whole life not wanting to be seen as “different,” or treated “differently” . . . yet, when trying to explain how you feel (the void, the confusion) you have to make everyone finally look at you differently. Does this make sense? This is scary for us. Chances are, the adoptee doesn’t have many (if any) people in their life that truly understand them. So, when we want someone to understand, we have to beat it into them that we are different. And as much as we want the validation from everyone around us (and for me, I seem to want validation from everyone), you begin to wonder if you will remain “accepted” as a member of this family once you’ve convinced everyone to look at you differently. I hope I’m explaining this well enough because this thought process is the basis (I believe) for the feelings of having to choose.

When we say we feel like we have to choose, it does not necessarily mean that someone told us to make a choice. I have felt like I have had to choose, & that could be partially because of the lack of acceptance from my parents. But I think part of that is my own fear of finally convincing everyone that I am different &, therefore, not being accepted any longer as the same person they’ve always known. I don’t want to be a stranger in my own family. I just need validation of my feelings & acknowledgment of my bmom. Again, it comes down to fear. I am afraid of losing what I have.
Lastly, I suspect that all adoptees struggle with some amount of guilt. I believe the theories that shame results from the knowledge of being “given up.” And I can say that I have worked very hard to prove myself & build my self-esteem, always wondering what part of me was “defective.” But my guilt was compounded greatly by what others have said to me. Probably the most damaging is the comment that my parents make, “We just wish we were all you needed.” (crying while they are saying it) – I internalized this comment, feeling how can I be so ungrateful for what I have? And how can I possibly want more? Some of the comments I’ve tried to cope with:
“But you have such wonderful parents.”
“You don’t even know her.”
“I don’t want to be around when you talk to your parents.”
“Aren’t you over that yet?”
All of this adding to my guilt, that I am hurting others, that I am ungrateful, that I am unable to explain why, & I’m unable to move on.

I’ll share with all of you what I haven’t been able to share with my bmom, & that is I need her, I want her in my life, & I have always wanted to find her & be near her. Do you know how scary that is? To need someone? To be dependent on yet another person -- all of whom can hurt me. . . . the fear keeps us from getting too close.

I'm confessing all of this because I feel guilty. I know what I’ve put my bmom through & I feel terrible. I had a long road to travel just to sort out my feelings. . . & I’m still not sure what comes next. I hope this helps some of you understand the “distance” you sense with your bson or bdaughter.

[FauxClaud]

Lis...
You explained it beautifully.
Send it to your mom.
Thank you from a natural mom.
Claud.

[antifloyd]

WOW. I really want to respond to your post and words are just failing me here. Does your bmom post here? Because it seems like she should read that. Your aparents and every single member of your extended family should read that.

[FatBirdy]

What a wonderful way to explain something so difficult say.

From a fellow adoptee, FatBirdy

[suzherm]

Wonderful and it brought me to tears. I am a birthmom hoping someday for reunion (my daughter is now 19). Your post really made me understand things a bit better.
I agree with others. You should share that with all you know.
Peace.

[Lis6191]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have thought about sending this to my bmom -- I'm not sure if she posts here or not. The last I knew she wasn't too internet savvy, so I doubt it, but I can't say for sure.

Input from other bmoms is definitely helpful. After reading thru Jackie's thread I was so sad for all the bmoms waiting for the next letter. . . my bmom has been waiting 8 years. But there's so much emotion and so few that understand.

Here's a pic of my family . . . that never made me feel "different" -- it is the grandchildren (missing 2) and great-grandchildren with my grandma:

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I don't have to make a choice, even though I've always felt that way. But how to tell everyone and not have them look at me differently????

[marimari]

You wrote beautifully and as a bmom, I thank you for sharing your insights. It must be difficult within you, the struggle, the loyalty conflicts, the gratitude issues, the needing of your bmom on some levels. Validation...every person alive looks for that...to be accepted as we are, for who we are...and we don't remain exactly the same...we evolve, our belief systems change, we change, whether due to reunion or just simply due to life experiences, which is good...we grow. There comes a point where we have to assert ourselves and maybe say to those in our lives...we have to tell them what we need because most of us, turns out, are not mind readers. When we are at restaurant, we don't expect the waitress or waiter to know what we want, we have to them...why do we expect other people to just know?

Many experiences in life will alter us, not change our core essence, but we will grow...that is a good thing. as a rule. If the people around us have difficulty with that, it is not our responsibility to conform to them, to please them...in the end, we have to be true to ourselves. I look at it this way: someday, I'll be an old lady...will I be bitter or happy? Who will want to play with me if I'm an ugly-feeling old woman? I will strive to make myself happy...not at the expense of others, but for my sake, my sanity, thus making me a tad more pleasant to be around. You owe your parents ... well, maybe you don't owe them anything beyond being the best that you can be, but not for them, for yourself... I have two other children that I was able to love and be with as their mother...I don't expect from their undying loyalty or gratitude...I hope that I haven't made too many mistakes that one day will result in costly therapy sessions, I hope that they know that they are free to love whomever and feel like strong women who can rely on themselves...I trust their judgement that they will be loving, caring, courageous women...I'd like it if they'd want to hang out with me, but I don't expect their gratitude...sometimes I feel like I'd like their forgiveness for not being perfect...that is it, tho, pretty much.

I read once that when we have children and lets say that they fall down, rather than saying after they fall down, get up, you're OK, we'd better serve and validate them by saying something like, oh, that must have hurt, then encourage them to get up and go...and as little babies who are adopted to say something like you must be missing your mother, and how that must hurt...little things go a long way in encouraging emotional validation...our feelings are important. My suggestion would be to get some books and either give them to your family, after reading them yourself, or share passages, whatever, so they understand the dynamics of all of this...because it does create an enormous internal struggle. You don't have to choose anyone over the other. It's like getting married and getting in-laws...you are still part of one family, but have expanded to belonging to another...granted some families do feel threatened and that we are being disloyal to them if we choose to be with the in-laws for whatever occasion, but that is their issue, not ours...all we can do is state in some way how much we love them, etc, but this time we're going to do whatever with whomever. It's selfish to expect that we "belong"to someone...we are never anyone's personal property. Part of it may be the problem of the other people...why they feel that they need you to be there, only with them...that's not cool, nor fair. Part of it may be your own fears...that if you ventureout, that they'll not want you...that's not a good feeling within you either. It may be a struggle, a storm as my daughter says, but you can all weather it....it'll be worth it. I feel like I am hearing you say how much you want to have a relationship with your bmom...I wish you'd go for it...for your sake.

[dpen6]

lis6191,

You did a real good job of articuating the feelings that somw of us adoptees go through.

The part about not wanting to feel different, or "less of a family memeber" is rooted in denial on everyones part. We ARE loved(or i was )as a part of the family. We ARE brought up feeling secure as a part of the family ...but we know and everyone else knows it is not completly true. Our genes ARE DIFFERENT. That does make us DIFFERENT! I was brought up in a very "normal" family. We had family fun, family issue, ect....extended family was great...had fun on the holidays from all outward appearances we were "normal" and that was great. As a child I needed that constitancy and security. IT WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY FAMILY...with a difference....my genes are not. I beleive that needs to be validated and respected. Does it need to be discussed ad nauseum ..no. I have seen where some aparents have been instructed to say to there little ones..." I wonder what your bmom is doing now"....thats IMO is going to far...BUT..if a child says what does my bmom look like..it needs to be answeewed honestly with out hesitation. If a parent doesn't know....they say I don't know...but something like I'll bet she is a beutifal as you...valdiates that a child can ask questions without feeling guilty ......


The problem I beleive is that We need to distance ourselves from both bparents feelings and aparents feelings in order to figure out what it is we need ,in order to continue with any sort of relationship.

Your aparents saying "we were hoping we would be enough" is guilt producing.....and shows that they expect you to put there feelings first. Gently tell them...you are definetly enough in terms of being my mom and dad....but I need to know my genitics and my heritage. And be confident that that is enough and is appropriate....you are doing nothing wrong. We don't deserve to carry this kind of guilt.

On the flip side....we need to have our unique situations also validated by our birth parents. Which ever way it goes...the bmom who refuses contact....are we to feel guilty because we are her worst nightmare...because we exist??? nope....

or the birthmom that wants us "to be her child"...hmmm wait am I not someone elses child too? How can I possibly be a daughter to everyone....I do understand just by the mere fact that they gave birth they see us as "their child"...but the reality is I was not brought up as "their child"...if in fact you inist on calling me "your child" it induces more confusion and more guilt...underserved..IMO.

Lis...I have pretty much worked through a lot of that confusion and have come to understand that I am me as a result of all the esperiances in my life....that my life panned out just as it should have and for that I am grateful...I have also learned that I can not give what I am unable to give.....until I am ready. We have to put ourselves front and center and do what we need to. If we do it repectfully, and without malice we can honor our own fweelings without the burden of feeling guilty of just existing. We are not responsabable for anyone elses feelings ...just because we exist....we need to be comfortable with our existence and our feelings before we can validate anyone else. Then maybe we can go on and devolp relationships and continue relationships on a more even level...not just as "someones" child. We become adults in everyones eyes.

Donna

[InionGrinn]

We go our whole life not wanting to be seen as “different,” or treated “differently” . . . yet, when trying to explain how you feel (the void, the confusion) you have to make everyone finally look at you differently. Does this make sense? This is scary for us. Chances are, the adoptee doesn’t have many (if any) people in their life that truly understand them. So, when we want someone to understand, we have to beat it into them that we are different.

I don’t want to be a stranger in my own family. I just need validation of my feelings & acknowledgment of my bmom. Again, it comes down to fear. I am afraid of losing what I have. ...

... how can I be so ungrateful for what I have? And how can I possibly want more?...All of this adding to my guilt, that I am hurting others, that I am ungrateful, that I am unable to explain why, & I’m unable to move on.

Lis - you have managed to put into words some truly profound thoughts - that I share with you. As an adult adoptee I, too, struggle to balance NOT being and feeling different while all along I AM different...it is very hard to articulate and even harder to get others to understand. You did a wonderful job writing that out, it has helped me and I am sure many others, not just the birthmoms, on this forum.
I hear you and I am so glad you are here.

[janiej]

Lisa
Your "confession" was what I needed right now. You are an amazing and very "insightful" young woman. You have managed to capture not only your own thoughts, but some of the thoughts your birthmom is probably going through also, and all done with such a "warm" tone.

As a birthmom 6 months into reunion, which I think is going "fairly well" right now, I appreciate the words from everyone here.

I have gained much insight from these posts regarding the adoptee point of view. I feel my son may be struggling with some of these same issues, but am afaid to ask him about it for fear I will be seen as "nosey".
To hear it from all of you, it has helped me so much to try to understand "the other side".
Please keep posting things like this, as I think it will be of great service to "all sides" of this thing called reunion.

Thanks again to all of you adoptees who are trying to help us birthmoms "figure it out", and not be so afraid that WE have done something wrong in the reunion.
You will never know how wonderful you all are !!

And Mari - what can I say ?? Yet another great post!!!

janie

[Kelli]

Lis, I know this was a "confession to a bmom", but I have to tell you, as an amom, this really touched my heart. IMO, this could almost be a confession to both moms. You emphasized the importance of validating our children's feelings and being completely honest when questions are asked. Though I already know this, I think it's always important to hear.

I have to admit, hearing and learning from adoptees was what drew me to this forum in the first place and I want to thank you for your helpful and eloquently stated point of view.

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[twitchytally]

Lis, I think you have shown gt honesty and courage in sharing your thoughts and feelings, and l think what you feel is only natural, to most, on all sides of adoption is an inner turmoil of emotions, that few rarely express honestly, and you put it beautifully, without offending anyone, yet touching all. l dont think you should have to feel any blame or guilt, but maybe we all have feelings we shouldn`t have to feel.
I hope you, and everyone who needs to, finds inner peace.

[Lis6191]

Thanks, all of you, for helping me to get all this out. It's been bottled up for so long, and I do feel bad for my bmom and all the bmoms "waiting for the next letter." Finding this board, and all the wonderful people here, has been therapeutic. I have been reading as much as I can and have learned so much already from all of you.

marimari, you make so many good points. I am a mother of two and I love what you said . . . I hear you!

Originally Posted by marimari

...sometimes I feel like I'd like their forgiveness for not being perfect...

Donna, I have read many of your posts and I know you will be able to help me get where I am going. I look forward to the day that I don't feel so much guilt. I tell my husband all the time, "I'm not a bad person." And he says, "of course, you're not. You're loving, caring, compassionate...." -- so why do feel so bad all the time? I know now that it is guilt . . . not sure yet how I get past it.

Originally Posted by dpen6

We have to put ourselves front and center and do what we need to. If we do it repectfully, and without malice we can honor our own fweelings without the burden of feeling guilty of just existing. We are not responsabable for anyone elses feelings ...just because we exist....

Chrissy, I've read a lot of your posts, too, and our situations sound similar. I look forward to hearing more from you

janiej, I don't think you'd be "nosey", but he may not know how to respond. My bmom told me a few years ago in a letter that she wanted to know more about me, how I felt, and went on to say that she didn't just want an update on my "agenda." I was hurt at first then it caused me to really think. I never talked to anyone about anything but "my agenda" -- meaning, what's going on with the kids, typical stuff, school activities, t-ball, dance, . . . I don't talk to anyone about feelings, or emotions, as that had been shut down a long time ago.

Originally Posted by janiej

I feel my son may be struggling with some of these same issues, but am afaid to ask him about it for fear I will be seen as "nosey".

It might be important to note that my bmom is a psychologist, has her own private practice. I think I pulled away over the past few years because she had me "figured out" and I didn't want her to become my shrink. I want her to be my bmom, nothing more. I had to figure it all out on my own. Denial can run deep, and you will deny that you are avoiding topics or feelings; at some point it was a matter of survival. My whole life I've been a parrot "I don't have any issues with being adopted" and "I'm fine with being adopted." blah,blah,blah

Originally Posted by kelli

as an amom, this really touched my heart

Kelli - thank you. I wish my mom could be this open and I pray that she can learn to deal with her pain and her fears. I love my mom. . . and as much as it hurts me, it's time to give her her pain back, I can't carry it anymore.

I'm so sorry, this post is getting long again. I guess I just have soo much to say. Thanks for all the thought-provoking responses and encouragement.

((Lots of love, hugs to all))

[kersey19]

Lis -- I've been lurking on this thread for the last few days and have really enjoyed reading these posts. Very insighful. I really admire you for processing your feelings on this forum and allowing all of us to learn as you go.

One thing you said struck me .... "I just want her to be my birthmom." How do we do that? There is no defined or accepted role for a birthmom. One of my biggest struggles over the last year has been that question, "what role do I have in my daughter's life?" She has a mom. I'm trying to understand from my daughter what my role should be -- but I wonder at times if she knows. And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe just being there for her is enough. Pretty complex, isn't it?!

Like your bmom, I want to know my daughter. I want to know what makes her tick. I want to figure her out too. Why? I didn't have the priviledge of watching her grow up. I want to know what makes her sad, what makes her happy, what ticks her off -- so that I can have a deeper and more meaninful relationship with her. The only way I can do that is to spend time with her and, at times, to ask.

Lis -- you are a good person and you deserve happiness but it has to be what you want not what other's may or maynot want for you. Too often we try to make everyone else happy and forget about ourselves. By the way, I'm not a psychologist but I was a psych major in college -- that may explain my need to know. I'll be interested to hear from other bmom's on this issue.

[MajaHedman]

The adopted me could have written that. There are two of us in our hearts sometimes aren't there? Then we struggle with how to make those two people happy.