[RiverGal]

Not long ago someone asked me if I thought I would feel the same way toward Jennifer (my birthdaughter) after meeting her as I do about the three kids I parented. Thought provoking question. I thought, "How could I?"

Like Chris said, I have a history with my parented children. Not only am I their mother, I have actually lived long enough to be their friend. I know their deepest thoughts and fears, their goals and dreams; I know their character...what makes them tick. I know them. They know me just as intimately.

Jennifer, to me, is still the infant I relinquished 33 years ago. I loved her with every fiber of my being. Her chubby little face is etched in my mind, her dimples, her cry, her smell...I remember these vividly. But I do not know Jennifer as the person she is today...the adult, the mother, the beloved member of her family...not that I would not LOVE to get to know her on a deeper level.

My parented kids are my kids. This does not minimize Jennifer in my heart, just puts things on a different level. Just as her parents nurtured and loved her, I have nurtured and loved my children. Bonds are there...bonds that took years to forge, just as she has those same bonds with her family.

Reality stands. We are biologically related, yet we are strangers to each other. We may have much in common, or we may have totally different views on what is important in life. I relish the thought that we could build a relationship, yet I have no proof that is possible, or that she even wants to. The reality is that we both have families of our own...seperate places of safety and support. What we have to build on could never supersede that, nor would I expect it to.

The human heart is infinate in its capacity to love...either that, or I have not lived long enough to disprove the theory. What I cannot say is that that "bond" will ever be as deep as the bond I have with my other children...nor can I say it won't. True depth of emotion, IMO, is not something automatic...it is constructed over time.

This might make no sense at all, as abstact thoughts are not always easy to express in words.

~Deb

[antifloyd]

Jennifer, to me, is still the infant I relinquished 33 years ago. I loved her with every fiber of my being. Her chubby little face is etched in my mind, her dimples, her cry, her smell...I remember these vividly. But I do not know Jennifer as the person she is today...the adult, the mother, the beloved member of her family...not that I would not LOVE to get to know her on a deeper level.
My parented kids are my kids. This does not minimize Jennifer in my heart, just puts things on a different level. Just as her parents nurtured and loved her, I have nurtured and loved my children. Bonds are there...bonds that took years to forge, just as she has those same bonds with her family.
Reality stands. We are biologically related, yet we are strangers to each other. We may have much in common, or we may have totally different views on what is important in life. I relish the thought that we could build a relationship, yet I have no proof that is possible, or that she even wants to. The reality is that we both have families of our own...seperate places of safety and support. What we have to build on could never supersede that, nor would I expect it to.

Deb, while I never had any other children, I think you make a very good point here!
I would also like to say that I hope you can go on and build a relationship with your daughter! The fact that you have no expectations of it being the same as your relationships with your other children is probably a huge step toward that happening.

[RiverGal]

Lauri ~ Thank you! I am hoping that a relationship is a possibility for the future, but that is in Jennifer's hands. My door is open, as is my heart.

Nah...there are zero expectations on my agenda. I feel like having a bunch of "I needs" would only add pressure to an already fragile situation.

My life is good...as hers is. If we are fortunate enough to find a place to start, we may have a good foundation on which to build something lasting.

Glad you were able to decipher my meaning!

~Deb

[Kindreds]

I can honestly say after 2 years in reunion I view my daughter the same as my two raised children. She may not view me exactly the same as she does her mother, but I do view her as my own. I have a wonderful close relationship with my raised daughter and I know that I would have had the same with my daughter lost to adoption. We are connected at a very core level. I know she has some feelings of divided loyalty and I completely understand that but we grow closer day by day even though we are separated by hundreds of miles. She is integrating with her bio family from the sibs to the gmother and aunties and uncles etc. She has found a way to balance her two families and I am amazed and so very proud of her for this. One can not really count or measure love but in my heart I love her as much as I do the children I was blessed to raise

[MTL]

Hi chrismh (and everyone else):
I too, am an originalmother. I prefer this rather than using birthmother. It's a powerful word which gives a clearer image of a caring mother versus the societal image of birthmom--that image has somehow stung us and has been connotative like we just dropped our child off with disregard, so untrue. Like we could ever forget our child! My word, that's stupid!
chrismh, your words are very honest and stated so eloquently about having to hide: the pain and shame are so regretful. My heart goes out to you. I am very happy you have two children and are reunited with your daughter.
What I need to understand is the feeling you described with regards to your relinquished daughter, whom you have now met as an adult. I gather that she sought you out, but did you ever search for her? Please do not hesitate to let me know if you feel I am invasive of your privacy, o.k.? I sought my relinquished daughter (I relinquished her with pressure at birth; I found her at 30 years old; she will turn 31 Apr. 5th). I have the utmost respect for her parents and if they ever wanted to meet me, I'd be so grateful.
I do not have a happy reunion story, like yours. I have not met my daughter, although we did make plans, she was unable to keep them. I have not heard from her except for a couple of times, few and far between.
My initials are MTL, hers are MLT, and we share a genetic and a photographic blueprint: there are no questions that we are so much alike. I married, briefly, and have a grown son and daughter (her half-sibs). My son and daughter-in-law have two children (I'm a grandma). I love everyone as if they were my own, with no distinction. Should I have the opportunity to meet my MLT, I have no doubts that my feeling would include her as my daughter; I have always prayed for this opportunity.
For you to express that you have no feeling like you're a mother to your daughter, is quite honest, thank you. Yet, I wonder how your relinquished daughter feels? Have you talked to her about this? Yes, she has parents. Does this mean you feel more like a friend to her? In answering her questions, did you tell her about her birth? For example, in one of my conversations with my daughter, I told her of learning I was pregnant, of feeling her movement for the first time, her original due date which I've never forgotten, labor and delivery, etc. What have you done to establish intimacy with your daughter?
It means a great deal to me, chrismh, and all of you. I welcome your responses, because I may never have any responses from my daughter. I'll be o.k. with that; yes, it hurts. Oh, boy, it does hurt.
I did learn she's has wonderful parents, she thanked me for giving her life and not aborting her. She said, "I always knew you loved me. I also looked for you. I wanted to find you."
In the end, this matters a great deal. Thank you for this thread and your comments.
Sincerely, M.T.Lyons, originalmom 4/5/74

[antifloyd]

Originally Posted by MTL

... I do not have a happy reunion story, like yours. I have not met my daughter, although we did make plans, she was unable to keep them. I have not heard from her except for a couple of times, few and far between.
My initials are MTL, hers are MLT, and we share a genetic and a photographic blueprint: there are no questions that we are so much alike. I married, briefly, and have a grown son and daughter (her half-sibs). My son and daughter-in-law have two children (I'm a grandma). I love everyone as if they were my own, with no distinction. Should I have the opportunity to meet my MLT, I have no doubts that my feeling would include her as my daughter; I have always prayed for this opportunity.

MTL, don't give up hope that you will meet your daughter. The one thing I've learned about reunions is that sometimes they take a long time! Probably the easiest of the reunions I'm involved in, with my sister, still was years in the making in some respects. She actively sought us out, and came to visit us as soon as she could (she was 4 mos pregnant when she found us) and it was great! But she was fairly recently married, then had a new baby, was going to nursing school somewhere in there, so our contact with her was a little sporadic. Being just two years older than her, I was also pretty self-involved then. But over time, the bonds between she and our mom, as well as she and I have strengthened immensely. She and her husband are living fairly close to us now (8 hr trip) so there have been lots more trips back and forth. Plus, since her husband has just gone back to Iraq for the 2nd time, I talk to her almost daily!
As far as the reunion with my daughter, there was even more space I had to allow! She was 16 when we met, so everything was definitely all about her! Not to mention, her aparents spoiled her rotten, so she was (and still is) pretty used to having her own way. I had no idea 7 yrs ago that something like this forum even existed (maybe it didn't then) let alone "guidelines" or anything else! I just fumbled my way through, got lucky in that I just automatically assumed that everything about the reunion had to be up to her. I would let time go by, call her sometimes just to let her know I was interested in her. I used to cheat a lot too, by calling her amom if I hadn't heard from Amanda for awhile to at least get a clue as to what was going on! It was hard sometimes! But well worth it in the long run for the relationship we have now.

[ChristiBender]

HI all. I stumbled across this thread yesterday... and WOW has it got me thinking. Seems that is something this thread does......

Just to let you all know. Chrismh is my bmom. HI MOM!!! Looks like maybe we can dialogue here a little...and maybe we can all learn a bit....

Lis - I wanted to comment on some things you said...

And as much as we want the validation from everyone around us (and for me, I seem to want validation from everyone), you begin to wonder if you will remain ?accepted? as a member of this family once you?ve convinced everyone to look at you differently.

I really understand that. And for me.... that was a very real fear early in my reunion. I had told my aparents I was searching. I had expressed to them how it was going... and that I was excited (although I did try to downplay it a little). And then... once contact had been made - I got freaked. I felt like I suddenly didn't belong anywhere. I felt like what I had always TRIED to explain about BEING different was suddenly there - in the flesh (in my bmom) - and that things were somehow SOOO DIFFERENT and I was So Afraid that my afamily wouldn't really consider me part of THEM anymore. But soon the dust settled and it was o.k.

What I came to realize was that I looked at me differently..... not them. I saw that I suddenly had two families. They didn't. They saw them as my only family.... and they couldn't understand why I needed these other people. That is where the tightrope was launched.

Then you wrote:

I need her, I want her in my life, & I have always wanted to find her & be near her. Do you know how scary that is?

Oh man.. can I hear that!!! I also felt like I needed my bmom. I had always thought about her. Always wondered about her. Always wondered if she wondered about me. For me the SCARY part was the thought that she had had me... and had forgotten me. Totally. And that now, at this point - when I found her and was ready to make contact..... I was so afraid that she wouldn't even remember having me. My worst fear was that she would say, "WHAT BABY?". Instead I was lucky. She simply said she loved me. And my world opened up in a way that is very hard to explain.... except to say that I suddenly felt like I had been let out of prison.... a prison I had put myself in. Suddenly I was able to allow myself to feel loved. To feel validated. To feel like a real person. It was an amazing moment. A moment that I will NEVER EVER forget - as long as I live.

And now we are in reunion... and as my mom said - it is going very well. We both try - a lot. We both spend a lot of time working at it. We talk on the phone for almost an hour 5 mornings a week. We email a little. We share experiences here on the forum. It is wonderful. But still, sometimes I want more. As you said,

My bmom told me a few years ago in a letter that she wanted to know more about me, how I felt...

And those are things I want to know about her. She told me a lot last year - at our first face to face. I know it was hard for her. But she is a strong woman - even though she doesn't always believe that herself. And she wanted to be honest... and she did her best. Still though.... I have questions....

Dpen addressed this with:

but she never really told me about the circcumstances or her feeelings at the time. She would gloss over them and sometimes get angry if I pushed. So I did not.....I DO understand why she may have done all that....she was unable to "go there", but where did that leave me?? Thats the problem ...if I were an "angry adoptee" I would have pushed...if I were a "needy" adoptee I would have cried for info...but I don't consider myself either. As a result....the questions remain for me.......it gives me the feeling that my questions, concerns, and general feelings really don't matter much.

I relate to this too. There are things I am curious about... details I want. I have asked, as gently as I could.... and I might again. I might not too. I don't want to hurt my mom..... but I do want to know. And, all the while, I realize that the knowledge changes nothing.... not really. And it might hurt her.... then again - it might help her to talk about it - might help her to be VALIDATED too. But who can know. Not me. Not her. And so.... time passes.....and we continue to develop our relationship. It is a good thing - even if we don't know quite where we fit all the time.

In my mom's post she said,

I don't think of her as my daughter. I gave birth to her, but I didn't raise her. I got married and had two kids. A boy and a girl. I feel differently about my daughter and my bdaughter because I raised my daughter and have a history with her. But my bdaughter and I have just met. I'm not her mother and don't feel like it.

When I first read this it hurt me. I felt confused.... In my mind I was thinking, "She doesn't think of me as her daughter. She says she isn't my mother"... what the heck are we doing here??? But because I have done "my work".... and because I try very hard to do my best to understand her.... I can see how this is true. I don't think it is the whole truth.... and she and I will talk about it more. This is one of those ways that reunion has no rule book. Dpen said,

I never asked if she was fearful, of what she really felt....so I don't know how she REALLY felt about it.

And I have heard her.... I do want to ask. I do want to know what my bmom did and does feel. I think it is important...... but I also realize it is very scary - very hard - very buried. I hope that together we can mine that field...... and learn more about each other in the process... and about our commitment to one another.

[janiej]

Wow Christie-

What a GREAT post !! I have no words right now, except to say what a great post !!
janie

[chrismh]

Hi everybody.
Just got home and read whats been going on. Very interesting.
Christi, very good post. Got you thinking huh? Ha Ha
Well, like I said on the phone this morning, we'll have to talk about this when we're face to face. It won't be too long and that will happen. I'm sure looking forward to it, our actual first time to be "alone" together. Sun. will be really fun, seeing everybody else.
But as to answering questions of yours. You know I will if I can. I mean, if I remember. I've worked through the past and know where its at, its past, so I've got no problem with that. I know I can't change anything. Things are the way they are today, and thats it.
Den just got home and so I lost all my thought. Darn.
I was getting to some real good stuff too. It'll come back, I just have to remember to. Ha Ha
Chris

[ChristiBender]

Hey Mom... .yeah, got me thinking. Not that I EVER do any of that though.. huh??? *oh geesh - this is getting deep - put on your boots!*

Yes.. it is neat - posting here together..... This forum is a wonderful place.. a safe place for us to come and share and reach and stretch. You and me, Mom,... we are doing the bmom/bkid dance here. What a special thing for us, huh?? Also what a special thing for other people to be able to witness!!! I don't know about you - but I feel honored.

I know that the past is hard for you in some ways... but I also know that this forum has opened up a lot of memories that you didn't "have at your fingertips" last year during our first face to face. And, I hope, I really hope, that you feel safer, more stable, more loved, more important than you did then. You are all those things to me. Really.

And there is nothing TO change. The past is what it is.... and it is fine. Just fine. I don't have big regrets... and I know that you have done your best to work through a lot of the ones you might have had. We each have had different roads to get here - to a place where we can be together..... and the bumps in our individual roads were necessary for us to "work" together now. I can see that so clearly - in so many ways. I am thankful for many things - because they prepared me for this reunion....

Life is a mystery... a wonderful, strange, all knowing mystery. Thank God for all its little twists and turns.

So, sharing the past is a way of us sharing how we got to be "us".... That is how I would like to think about it anyway.... I hope that is o.k. with you.

Please know that I don't want to hurt you.... I just want to share "our" journey.....

Lis...... I am curious how this dialog sounds to you?? This is a thread you started.... and therefore your input is important to me too.....

[chrismh]

MTL, you asked if I ever searched for her? No, I didn't. When my folks found out I was pregnant, they got me some pills to take to abort the baby and make this thing go away. The pills made me horrible sick. But I took them. Even when I wasn't around my folks, I had the pills with me and I took them. Thats how scared I was or thats how much control I gave people. The pills didn't work so they put me in an unwed home, and for those who were in them know what I'm talking about. Locked up, put away, told to lie to family members (just so people wouldn't think bad of the parents) left there to go through this alone. Not a pretty time. So, after I had her and got home, I got married six weeks later and moved out. At the time I was getting away from them and was going to do what I wanted to do. Yeh right. Now I see I was just running away from myself. Trouble was I took myself with me. Away from home and out from under their control, I was now wanting to make my husband happy.
(Didn't think about my being happy). I did everything he wanted me to do. I so wanted to be a "big sister" and help some child have someone they could count on. (I had forgotten that). In time I had my own children and that helped with being needed. He was controlling to the point he didn't want me working outside the home. So, of course, I didn't. This went on for 26 years and finally I had had it and got a divorce. Well then I was really free and could do what I wanted. So, I'm single, had a good job, kids grown and I was on my own. People would ask what I liked to do and I had "no idea". Never had a chance to do what I wanted to do before always did what he wanted to do. After years and years of living like that, what does a person do. I sure was confused. Didn't know what to think, how to act, no idea what I felt, like whats a feeling. Started drinking. Now thats another story. Kept doing that for about 10 years, and those who know, know what goes along with that. Well, I'm in recovery now and been through therapy. Sober as of May l, 2001. Got married in 96 to a great guy, hung with me through all my drinking and everything. Well, so since, lets say 2002 I've been able to think finally about myself. I'm the only one that can me happy. I finally don't have to please everybody else. Then both my parents died. Mom in 2002 and dad in 2003. At least they knew I had stopped drinking and had a good marriage. But all this time, nobody ever talked about the baby I gave away. I talked about it and worked it though with my therapy I had. No wonder I was drinking. Trying to run away from the past, I was such a bad person with no self worth. Buried everything and didn't feel. Now 2004 comes and she is talking to me on the phone. I'm crazy. I'm also free. Free maybe because mom and dad are gone and I'm not under there rule anymore, but free because I know I'm not a bad person and deserve to be happy.
I wonder if any of this makes sense to anyone. I have no idea, but its where I'm at.
I'm glad these forums are here so I can tell somebody how and why I'm the way I am.
Thanks,
Chris

[Cheryl62]

(((chris))))

Your story made perfect sense to me. I really want to thank you for being so open with us. It helps me think through what my birthmother may have gone through and still be feeling, and the vividness of your story also makes it very real at the emotional level.

Cheryl
<a little teary-eyed>

[janiej]

By Chris

The pills didn't work so they put me in an unwed home, and for those who were in them know what I'm talking about.

YEP !!! BEEN THERE - DONE THAT !!!

Now I see I was just running away from myself. Trouble was I took myself with me.

HOW TRUE !!!!!!

Now 2004 comes and she is talking to me on the phone.

HOW WONDERFUL !!!!!!

I know I'm not a bad person and deserve to be happy.
I wonder if any of this makes sense to anyone. I have no idea, but its where I'm at.
I'm glad these forums are here so I can tell somebody how and why I'm the way I am.

Thanks so much for the "sharing"
I understand EXACTLY how you felt, except for the drinking part. But I had an older sister who was an alcoholic, and I went to many ALANON meetings, and did my best to "help" her. So I know what that is all aout too, from "the other side". She was also in an "emotionally" abusive relationship for 50 years until the day she died.

I never had any more children, "substituted" neices, nephews, neighbors, etc. Didn't realize that I was doing that until I was "found" by my son.

It's amazing the things that "come back" to us after reunion. Things we had buried so deep !!!
I'll be in the shower, or in the store, and something will "pop" into my head. All after 40 years !!

But like you, I am so happy this forum is here. It makes me know I am NOT "alone" in this.

Your story is so wonderful, and I personally thank you for sharing it with us. To be able to come here, and talk with "each other", and let us all see your relationship "develop", is so heartwarming. I'm sure there will be "bumps", as there are in mine, but you know we are all here to help. That makes it so special also.

You two deserve all this joy. And you are both "working" so hard to make it happen. You are both truly an "inspiration".
janie

[ChristiBender]

WOW MOM..... what a great post!!! Thanks for sharing that - with everyone. That was really brave of you......

Funny... even though I "knew" all of that... somehow seeing it laid out there in the "condensed" form, especially the time line of quit drinking 2001. Mom died 2002. Dad died 2003. Christi reappeared 2004. Been a pretty dang busy new millenium for you huh?? LOL

I can see you growing though... standing taller.... being stronger than you were a year ago. It is wonderful to see those changes. Jim says that he sees lots of changes in me too... more confident... more secure....more open to new experiences. All because I found you and you were brave enough to let me in....

Thank God..... for you.