[Lis6191]

Kersey, thanks for the words of encouragement.

Donna, you are so insightful and I can tell you've been where I'm at -- it's easier said than done. I don't want to hurt the ones I love, so I continue to deny myself.

Jackie, I am going to check into that book for sure. To answer your question. . . . I guess I became disconnected from myself as a result of deep-rooted denial. I didn't even realize that I wasn't talking about my feelings or emotions -- to her I guess it appeared I was being superficial (she's a psychologist) -- I realize now that my family doesn't talk about feelings/emotions. At first it might've offended me because I didn't get it. . . . then I got scared and started to realize my life has been on autopilot . . . .I come and go, but I don't feel much of anything. I think it was Joe Soll's book that referenced the "unidentified emotions" being repressed as a child and when they come back we don't know what they are, just one big tangled mess that can be too overwhelming to tackle. I had to distance myself from my bmom because she knew more about me, at that point, than I knew about myself (really scary).

I read another post today by candiekisses wondering why she senses a distance w/her bchild, and all I can say is, as a bmom reuniting you have no idea what is going on in their mind or what they need to process. I know it is hard on everyone and do not mean to make it sound like we have it worse, just want to help explain why there might be "distance."

I wrote my bmom this week and let her in on some of my revelations. I wanted to get something in the mail, even if short and sweet. I plan to write her in more length this weekend.

[marimari]

We all have a great deal to process, that's true!
I am so glad that you wrote to your bmom...hopefully together you can work through some things, and not because of her profession, but because she, too, has had an impact on the person you are. It might be interesting to discover why she chose psychology as her profession. One day at a time, one letter or call at a time... If you are fortunate enough to forge a relationship with her, you'll be quite blessed, especially since you have your mom who loves you, too. What an opportunity, I'd say, to welcome and be welcomed into someone's life with whom you are connected on an entirely different level.

[banjo]

Lis6191

Thanks for this thread! please always post on bmother's threads! I always want to hear what all sides of the triad think....often it opens up new windows of understanding...lol banjo

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by Lis6191

. . I guess I became disconnected from myself as a result of deep-rooted denial. I didn't even remight've alize that I wasn't talking about my feelings or emotions -- to her I guess it appeared I was being superficial (she's a psychologist) --
.

Did your birthmom say something that gave you the feeling that she was judging you? I hope and pray I do not give those feelings to my bson..
I know I can not judge him.. I know it with every bone in my body..
I think the adoptee not talking about their feelings is common.. Or that is what I believe..

I agree childhood emotions are difficult.. Difficult to connect with..


Jackie

[Lis6191]

Jackie,
My bmom told me a few years ago in a letter that she wanted to know more about me, how I felt, and went on to say that she didn't just want an update on my "agenda." I was hurt at first -- really hurt -- then mad, finally it caused me to really think. I never talked to anyone about anything but "my agenda" -- meaning, what's going on with the kids, typical stuff, school activities, t-ball, dance, . . . I don't talk to anyone about feelings, or emotions, as that had been shut down a long time ago.

It might be important to note that my bmom is a psychologist, has her own private practice. I pulled away over the past few years because she had me "figured out" and I didn't want her to become my shrink. I had to figure it all out on my own.

Denial can run deep, and you will deny that you are avoiding topics or feelings; at some point it was a matter of survival. My whole life I've been a parrot "I don't have any issues with being adopted" and "I'm fine with being adopted." blah,blah,blah And she knew this, but she pushed. I'm sure it was with good intentions, but she pushed me away until I could sort it all out.

I had a lot to learn . . . then I had to "process" it. You can tell someone, "you are only responsible for your pain" but what does that really mean. So after you learn this stuff you have to "process" it -- and all of it can be painful . . . for me it was easier to run from it. And to be honest, who has time to just sit and think. Counseling is time consuming and tiring. I'm now finally "processing" all of it and for the first time in my life I can say out loud what I want. Just wish my afamily could understand/support me on it. . . .

[kersey19]

as a bmom reuniting you have no idea what is going on in their mind or what they need to process.

Lis -- you made this statement in an earlier post. Here is my question to you -- how do we as bmom's gain a better understanding of what is going on in an adoptee's mind -- specifically our children's minds? Is it important to know the what or is just better to understand that there is much to process or best to just be understanding? It seems that you backed away because your bmom "knew" too much.......as I mentioned earlier I'm a bit like your bmom. I want to know how my daughter is feeling, to know if she struggles and to understand why ... I guess to make sure I'm not a part of that struggle but also to support her if necessary. I've backed away from asking those questions -- at least I've tried. The last time we were together I asked her what was the most difficult part of reunion. She answered very honestly. I'm rambling.....just interested in your feedback.

[dpen6]

kersey,

I know you asked Lis...but I thought I would butt in...please forgive me if I am being pushy.

The fact that you are asking questions and want to know other presectives is important. The fact that you are willing to listen and attempt to understand is huge. I can't speak for your daughter, because we are all so different, but I think we need the opptunity to process things as we can and be given the room to do so.....it is threatening to think that someone thinks they know what I am feelin, thinking, and can respond to me and about me based only on what they think they know....thats kinda scary...when they may be way off base.

When you aske your daughter about the reunion and she responded honestly ....how did you feel.

I know we always ask for honesty and sometimes when we get it ....its like...gulp...I guess I did ask for that! ...but at least we can deal with honest answeres,,,it may take a while but at least its hones!

[kersey19]

I think we need the opptunity to process things as we can and be given the room to do so.....it is threatening to think that someone thinks they know what I am feelin, thinking, and can respond to me and about me based only on what they think they know....thats kinda scary...when they may be way off base

That is what I needed to hear ... thanks. I need to remember that I can't be inside her head, I can't know everything she's feeling -- and vice versa. I can understand how she is feeling, I can be there if she needs me and wants me. Being there is probably the most important thing.

How did I feel when she answered? I guess I kind of expected the answer I received .... but I wanted her to know that I cared enough to ask. To let her know that it was safe to discuss things with me IF she felt comfortable. At times I've felt she's needed the space and as tough as that is I've tried to give it to her. THAT is not always easy to do.........thanks for responding. I had posed the question to Lis but am interested in anyone's response. Thanks again!!!!! -- Jill

[janiej]

Jill
Thanks for asking these questions of these adoptees.
As you know, I have the same "issues" you do regarding not being too "pushy" about "feelings", for fear of "pushing" my son into a corner.

Lis & dpen6 , or anyone else on "that side",
- thanks for any input you can give us regarding how to "deal" with our children's thoughts, and how much we can feel "free" to ask them about their feelings.
janie

[Lis6191]

Donna, you are so insightful. I was just telling Chrissy that I've traveled a very long road to get where I'm at -- not sure if I've reached my destination.

Jill and Janie, I had to really think about your questions and I was afraid to answer, knowing that my view is still somewhat pessimistic. Jackie makes such a good comment:

I agree childhood emotions are difficult.. Difficult to connect with..

I believe that there is a scale of how bad off we adoptees are when it comes to our emotions. I figure that I'm probably the "worst case scenario." My family was so loving, so wonderful, but there was no talk about "it" -- it being my adoption, my feeling, my bfamily -- it just didn't exist. I asked questions a lot as a child and the answer that it didn't matter because I was loved caused me to shut down emotionally.

So, just as my initial response would've been, tread lightly when it comes to feelings or emotions. My bmom scared me and I pushed her away. Donna used the word "threatened" -- that's a good way to describe the fear.

I just don't want to give the impression that all adoptees are like me. We have some of the same struggles, but I think it is in varying degrees.

You will all laugh at my unconventional therapy . . and what got me to start "processing" my feelings. . . and as corny as it may sound, it just may help someone else the way it helped me. . . .for $30 go buy the Evanescence CD/DVD "Anywhere But Home" and listen to Amy Lee, I am posting all the lyrics to the songs here (I'm convinced she is an adoptee, too, as her songs pertain to my life):
http://forums.adoption.com/showthrea...d=1#post719379
Ok, so I said it was corny, but it's the honest-to-God's truth. My friend Tammy says that was the only way God knew how to get thru to me, because my radio is always too loud to hear Him

[kersey19]

I would never laugh at anyone's unconventional methods for therapy -- we all have them. I find healing and comfort in music as well. Thanks for sharing.

I had worried that my post, my questions were too strong. I recognize that your situation is very different from my daughter's. I just worry sometimes that I ask too much -- but I want her to know that I care and that I will be there if she needs me. I have a feeling she knows that without me saying anything. You've given me excellent insight -- thanks. Thanks to everyone else as well. A good friend told me that feeling settled and balanced in reunion takes time, patience (sorry Janie) and courage. It's only been a year for me.....I need to relax and take comfort in where we've come in the last year. Lis -- good luck with your journey. It sounds as if you've made some decisions -- and I "hear" comfort in your words. That is a good thing. We all deserve peace and happiness. Take care -- Jill

[janiej]

Lis
Please don't ever be afraid to answer our questions.
We are "searching", just as you are. If there are ever any "questions" I could try to answer for you, please don't ever hesitate to ask.
That is what I love about this place. I don't feel I have to be "afraid" to say or ask anything for fear of being
"judged". Your input regarding "your side" of the feelings is invaluable to me.
I also think you have come a long way in your feelings.
Hopefully, the road will get easier for you each day. It must be very difficult to "deal" with what you are feeling toward your parents. But I think I sense that you are "finding" some insight into why you feel the way you do.
You seem to me to be a very intelligent girl, who is trying to put the pieces together with great empathy and care.
I wish you the best success on your journey, and thank you so many times over for helping me with mine.

And Jill - you are "forgiven" once again for the
"p - word"
janie

[Lis6191]

Gary, I'm glad I found your other posts and that you came over here to read this one. I know you are having difficulty with your bdaughter, but don't give up. My bmom has been waiting for me for 8 years -- yet I've always known she is still there, and waiting. Had she turned her back on me, it would've crushed me. I've always wanted a relationship with her, but didn't know how to move forward.

Obviously I still struggle because I don't want to lose my afamily, I really would like the support of my parents, and I don't want the rest of my family to feel "uncomfortable." I've never like the idea of having to live 2 separate lives -- one with her and one with everyone else.

I had a long road to travel to sort out years of emotions, that were suppressed because nobody wanted to hear about it and if they did they couldn't relate anyways.

So, you are right, she might not appear to have any emotions -- I didn't. That's why I wanted you to read this thread. You will find a lot of support out here from bparents in your situation.

Keep posting, we can all help each other thru the rough times. Lots of love!