[AVeley]

To tell you what I know of my bmom's story:

She got pregnant at 15 by her boyfriend of almost a year in 1974. They decided adoption was the only option as neither was financially or emotionally capable of being parents. My birth father stayed by my birth mother's side throughout the pregnancy and wanted their relationship to work out, but it didn't.

I was privately adopted by my bmom's oldest brother and sister-in-law and so she saw me often over the years until I was about 8 and then we never saw her again until I was an adult. I did not know I was adopted until I was 12 and didn't know she was my birth mother until I was 15. I wrote her a letter when I turned 21. She wrote me back saying that she wanted to meet with me to tell me my birth story in person. I took some time to think about that and in the meantime, her mother, my grandma, died. We 'met' at the funeral. It was the most emotional day of my life.

After that she changed her mind. She wrote me a letter telling me an abbreviated version of my birth story and said I could write her back if I had any further questions. She wrote that her "life is very different now and she is happily married and has a 12 year old son. She didn't want him finding out he had a half sister by accident." I wrote her another letter asking for more about my birth father, but never received a reply. That was 9 years ago. She has since gotten divorced.

I have seen her once in those 9 years at a family reunion in 2003 and she acted like everything was fine and she told me that her son wanted to meet me. I gave her every way possible to contact me. Well, I have never heard from her.

This past August, I found my birth father and am now developing a good relationship with him. He has been very honest and detailed about his past and the circumstances surrounding my birth. Every day I am thankful for this opportunity to build a relationship with him. But it also gets me wondering about my birth mother.

Should I try writing to her again? Do you think I should just leave her alone? I worry that she may never contact me if I don't keep initiating contact now and then. It hurts to think that she doesn't want anything to do with me.

I remember when I was a kid, she was my favourite aunt. When I was born, I spent 7 days in the hospital with her, and I know that I bonded with her. There has been more than one instance in my life that proves it to me that I will share if anyone wants to hear. I think I have made this post long enough.

Thanks for reading!

Alison

[CrystalTippens]

I'm so sorry that you have not gotten the response you had so much wished for from your birth mother. The only thing that I can think to tell you is that everything happens in it's own time. I know it sucks, but sometimes that is the only thing I can focus on. Time takes time. I wish there were more words of comfort I could give you, but the fact of the matter is that there may never come a happy joyous reunion, because for some it will never happen. I can not exclude myself from that last statement as I know my children have yet to make that choice. I do know that I face the same thing. All I can do is hope.

[bkp]

Alison,
Your story is interesting and I feel sad for you and your birthmother. I suspect that those days in the hospital were a bonding experience for her also. I wonder why you did not know from the beginning that you were adopted. As a birth mother myself, I can only imagine the guilt and sadness I would have felt If I had been in your bmoms situation. When she finally grew up herself and married and had a child, I wonder if she did not have to "hide" from the guilt and loss and pain of not being there for you while at the same time pretending that nothing was wrong. I wonder if that could be why she disappeared from your life. My son is 36 and I still feel a crushing sense of loss and sadness and even guilt at times.

I am thankful for you that you have other natural family connections to pursue while you wait for your bmom to grow into this reunion. Building your relationship with your bfather is also a key to who you are. Your brother is old enough that you might contact him now yourself. Even though my son is not ready to meet me, I would be thrilled if he would reach out to my daughters or they to him...in fact, it is hard for me to understand their hesitation.

Isn't it funny how sometimes we push away the very things we need to develop and complete our lives. Going through a divorce and becoming a single parent are hard things for anyone to experience...more stuff to grieve. Your bmom does not sound as though she has made the choice to be happy yet, however, you can still make that choice. Dwell on all the things that are perfect in your life right now, while at the same time holding a vision in your heart and mind of exactly how you would like your relationship with your bmom to look. You might even try writing your story because it is interesting and touching and someone else might need to hear it.

Thank you for posting your situation. What i want for you is to have it all...a relationship with your bmother, bfather, and brother, and most of all a complete family life of your own!

Warmly,
bkp

[antifloyd]

Should I try writing to her again? Do you think I should just leave her alone? I worry that she may never contact me if I don't keep initiating contact now and then. It hurts to think that she doesn't want anything to do with me.

Although it is practically impossible for me to understand when a bmom DOESN'T seem to want contact, it's so hard to know what is really going on in anyone's head.
Here's my take on this: if she hasn't actually told you NOT to contact her, then I would keep trying. Not too much, because then she might feel overwhelmed and tell you to stop. But very now and then, just to let her know you still want the relationship.
I know that my sister (whose bson is almost 5 now) has had a lot of trouble dealing with her feelings about the adoption. Since it is open, the aparents stay in touch. For the first couple of years, she would almost never respond to anything they have sent, but amom has ket up the contact, every few months. More recently, my sister has seemed to be more at peace with things, and more reponsive.
I know that is a really different scenario, but it's just an example of why you can keep trying and hold out some hope that she will eventually respond.

[blankenb4]

I Would Try Writing Her Again. Maybe Just A Simple Card Saying That You Are Thinking Of Her.

Barbara

[AVeley]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

bkp- Thank you so much for your kind words. About why I did not know I was adopted from an early age, well, all I know is that my adad did not want me to ever know and my amom told me recently that my bmom was the one who wanted to keep it a secret.

Today I turn 30 and my bdad, who lives in B.C. (I'm in Ontario) sent flowers and balloons to me at work. Tonight I will talk to him on the phone and hear him wish me a happy birthday for the first time. He has opened his heart to me fully and I have never doubted his feelings towards me. Every phone call ends with him telling me he loves me. It makes my heart swell.

This day is when I think of bmom the most and wonder if she is thinking about me too and wishing for the chance to build a relationship with her like the one I have with my bdad.

Lauri- She has not come right out and said not to contact her, so I think I will take Barbara's advice and send her a card. I need her to know that I think about her and would love to get to know her when she is ready.

Again, thank you all for your help.

Alison

[evildishrag]

Hi AVeley,

Happy belated birthday. Your birthdad sounds wonderful and I think you're very lucky to be forming a good relationship with him.

If I were you, I would definitely contact your birthmom again. You've got nothing to lose and at least you'll know you tried.

Best of luck.

P.S. I'm in Ontario too.

[cispaulet]

I`m glad about your relationship with your bdad. Do keep in touch with your bmom, sometimes it takes a long time to put fears, guilt, etc. behind, in some ways its a new beginning and it can be scary.

[JillMadura]

I truly believe that you should contact her again!! Being a birth mother myself I know how hard it is undedr any circumstances!Just knowing that you have an unconditional love for her will help her to either forgive herself or move past the guilt she feels!What ever the case is with your birth mother you do need to keep the contact! Go and buy a nice little stationary set just for notes to her!Send her a letter and tell her that although you don't understand her reservations about forming a relationship with you ,you are willing to wait for her! Tell her that you love her and that you are grateful for the life she provided for you!Let her know that although you were raised by a loving family it was she who gave you your talents,she who gave you ability to love the way you do!!
I know it seems hard but time heals all wounds!Alot of times it is a fear for us that we won't meet your expectations,we won't be as good as your adoptive parents!Once she can overcome her guilt and fears she will come around!

[Tigger27]

I agree with what the others have said about trying to contact your bmom again and let her know of your love for her. As a bmom to two daughters, 2 & 3 mos, I hope that they will both come to love me as I love them and want to be a part of my life like you want to be part of your bmom's life.

Speaking for myself as a bmom, I know I think/will think of my daughters on their birthday every year so I would think your bmom thinks of you on your birthday as well. And I've never forgotten the time I spent with my girls bonding in the hospital either. That's just me though.