[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by marimari

Was his family supportive of the reunion, do you know? like was his wife? You said that he doesn't mention his family, do they even know that you are in his life? Have you met with your son? Are you close distance wise? does he refer to his children as your grandchildren? You state that you like the way your relationship is now...how is it different? How is he different? Oh, there are so many questions.

I do not know if his family (aparents) were supportive.. I met his wife and she and I would have probably gotten on very well.. She stepped back and I stepped back.. We met once and I ended up talking with her in ther kitchen.. I saw my bson look over and I realized what I was doing..
I was talking with her about very important stuff and not to him..
She would interpret what I told her and then tell him..
I thought.. not gonna do that one again..

I made a choice to just deal with him directly.. Good bad or indifferent.. He is the kind of man who does not connect well in these kind of situation IMO.. I accept that.. I accepted that back then..

I send the grandbabies presents.. I seem to communicate with them through those presents.. He calls and we discuss them..
We do not speak of who is called what.. Names are used..

I have told him I love him very much over the phone
Lordy I enjoyed doing that..

Our relationship now.. is kind of equal.. Two human beings getting to each other.. We go for months without a word.. He lives on the other side of the country..
I should send him an email.. (He hardly ever replies to my emails)
I am going to change the location of my replies...
I fear I am hijacking the thread..

Jackie

[marimari]

Thank you, Jackie, for responding. I am impressed with how patient you are...not hearing back from someone you care about is not easy. Can you handle more questions? Who reached out to whom? Did you feel that his wife was supportive...you mentioned how she interpreted things for him...did that keep him more distant or removed? I am especially interested in that angle because my son's wife...but she was his girlfriend at the time..she had a hard time with me in his life; she was jealous of the time spent on the phone; we also are like 3000 miles apart, so it wasn't like I was dropping in for dinner...and he did most of the calling. His adoptive family was not real excited for him either. Initially he was OK with that...guess it was that "high" that we were on for a few months. I did go and visit him at his place for a few days...she did have some issues with me, that was obvious, and it took away from the visit, altho she and I tried to make amends, I think the underlying damage was there for good. I met his amom..she seemed nice enough, but not too thrilled to make my acquaintance. Later met his adad and his wife...he thanked me for giving him my son. That was thoughtful, but I wanted to scream: I didn't give him to you! So, give him back! We all met because of my son's upcoming marriage the next June. Well, I did not attend. I knew that the amom wasn't thrilled with me in her son's lfe and so wasn't going to attend; of course, as the day approached, I wanted desperately to witness one event in his life, but amom and bride-to-be did not want me there. Nor did my son apparently, otherwise he might have stood up for himself. He has told me that he has to keep the peace in his family...from what he has said the mere mention of my name can start an uproar. So, I guess, as wonderful as everything was, it won't be again.
Sadly, he has cut ties with his sisters (my daughters) as well. He did meet his bdad...it wasn't warm and fuzzy at all. He, at the time, refused to tell his daughters of the whole event, so nixed really having a relationship. That wasn't cool, but at least they met. Who knows, they may have a relationship now. I know my son was trying to contact one of them via the internet. Of course, that might not be the best way to intro yourself, when they have no idea of their dad's indescretions. Oh, well.
Another question...how has all of this affected your marriage, etc? Thank you for responding...I appreciate it more than you know. Mari

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by marimari

Thank you, Jackie, for responding. I am impressed with how patient you are...not hearing back from someone you care about is not easy. Can you handle more questions? Who reached out to whom? Did you feel that his wife was supportive...you mentioned how she interpreted things for him...did that keep him more distant or removed?

I love having conversations like this

Not hearing back was very difficult for me in the beginning.. It hurt.. All my dreams.. I used to think of me flying out there and babysitting the kids for a week so bson and wife could go somewhere alone..
My first born bson was born on my birthday and they named him my name knowing nothing about me..
I wanted to connect with him on many levels..

But no.. Life does not give us that..

I had to accept that.. I had to accept that I would not really know this boy growing up a boy who is so darn connected with me on a spiritual level.. (<my personal belief)

I had to keep saying the twelve step words.. "Accept what I can not change".

My bson found me on the net.. He found my 'message in a bottle' about four years after I posted it.. He is internet savvy..
He was not ready to know me before he sent me that first email..
And he did back off.. I believe that some men (women) really do not process all the emotions involved in reunion right away.. I believe they need time to 'digest' what is happening..
It took a few years before I got that phone message saying I want to know you..

To me its seeing the other person in their map of the world.. Where they live.. Their daily day to day struggle..
Yes we have terrible hard emotions to deal with.. Yes we want an intimate reunion more than anything.. But they can not give it to us..
Some of them that is.. Always some of them..

I can not go and crawl into my bsons head and shake him and change him.. I can't do it.. Heck I won't do it..
He is who he is.. And heck I am who I am.. I have pulled away from him in some ways.. My disappointment may be a part of this..
I may be afraid of being hurt now..

Interesting..

Below you speak of the wife.. It was just once that I imparted important info to her.. I just met her once..
I called her once and we got on very well.. I kept the conversation away from bson.. I know I could like her..

But I won't.. Not till he becomes more communicative.. I want to know him.. If I have to wait I will..

Originally Posted by marimari

I am especially interested in that angle because my son's wife...but she was his girlfriend at the time..she had a hard time with me in his life; she was jealous of the time spent on the phone; we also are like 3000 miles apart, so it wasn't like I was dropping in for dinner...and he did most of the calling. His adoptive family was not real excited for him either. Initially he was OK with that...guess it was that "high" that we were on for a few months. I did go and visit him at his place for a few days...she did have some issues with me, that was obvious, and it took away from the visit, altho she and I tried to make amends, I think the underlying damage was there for good.

I understand that uncomfortableness.. I know my husband is uncomfortable with the situation.. I know my third born son will not go out of his way to know my bson..

I know that this is a part of my life that is separate.. I am struggling with that now..
I just asked Dr Art (in another forum) about his thoughts on the psychological parent.. aparents.. and the birthparent (non psychological parent?).. He has expressed some very interesting 'stuff' around this in the past..

Its an adjustment for some of us.. A smacking in reality.. A.. sorry you did not get the 'best' reunion reality.

Originally Posted by marimari

I met his amom..she seemed nice enough, but not too thrilled to make my acquaintance. Later met his adad and his wife...he thanked me for giving him my son. That was thoughtful, but I wanted to scream:

snipped some for brevity.


Another question...how has all of this affected your marriage, etc? Thank you for responding...I appreciate it more than you know. Mari

On terms of the cutting of ties.. Maybe you can connect further down the road.. This must be extremely painful for you..
You tried your best and you did not get friendship.. I am very sorry..

My marriage..

I know my hubby would not be happy if bson lived near by..
But he does not.. he's right across the country..

He is different from us.. He is not different from me.. His path in life was my fathers path.. but not my husband and not my kids..
But then there are similarities..

I do not push to go out there.. I have been invited again..
We can't afford it for one.. but I am letting sleeping dogs lie..
That's my way..

Jackie

[janiej]

Jackie
Thanks for the "heads up" on this thread. You have been "with me" since my first post, and I feel "comfortable" with you. (Alot of others also, but sometimes we find that "one" who can help us with a "certain situation")
As you know, I am about 5 months into reunion, and of course the honeymoon stage is pretty much over.
So now I get the "I'll call you in a couple days", and I wait, but no calls.
So I call him, and we talk, and things seem fairly "casual". I KNOW I want more from him than he can give me right now, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It seems some days my whole day is spent "obsessing" about him, almost like it was when I first walked away from him. It's like 40 years ago all over, only I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm an adult with a full life, and yet I cannot seem to move forward.
I have tried to immerse myself back into the way things were before "the day", but it seems nothing will ever be the same again.
I have 4 grandchildren, have spent time with them at their house (approx 3 hours away from me), but they have never come to my house. Not for lack of invitation, but they can't find "the time in the busy schedule". Again, I try to understand, as they do have a really busy life.
My hubby & I are retired, so I have made it very clear to him that we can come to them easier than they can to us, and we would love to baby-sit if they ever need us. Also have asked if we could maybe take the kids to a movie or for ice cream or something, but again - no time.
I understand we are still "strangers", and perhaps this has something to do with it. I probably wouldn't let my kids (if I had any others ) go with us either !
But how am I going to build a relationship with these kids if I never get the chance to make any "memories" of our own ? In the beginning, my son and dtr-in-law (whom I think is the world's greatest by the way), told me not to look back, only forward.
But it seems like forward isn't coming. I know it takes time, and I am trying really hard to be patient. But when almost a week goes by with no contact, I start to "panic". It's a terrible feeling ! I feel I am "losing" again, then I try to remember how busy they are and I am not someone "special" to them ("yet ???).
Just some thoughts pouring out tonight.
Told you before how much I admire how you seem to be handling your situation. I don't know what I will do if he pulls back that much. I'm afraid it would destroy me.
I try not to put "pressure" on him, and think I am doing fairly well with that. Just wish I could get him to open up more with what HE is thinking about this new relationship. ( I guess it's a "guy thing" ).
Thanks for listening.

Mari- don't know how you did it when you knew he was getting married and decided not to attend. It certainly was the right thing to do, I think. Could have caused a real mess.
I hope you get back on the track with him. Please don't give up.
janie

[marimari]

Thanks...I am not giving up entirely, but also trying not to get my hopes up. Everything was so amazingly good for quite awhile...I understand the whole "obsessing" thing, and then not getting the promised call or whatever...I think it's because we know that we are not supposed to be in their lives...not according to the law when we relinquished...so any time lapse seems like an eternity and maybe we figure that we won't hear from them...like what were we thinking, anyway...like why would they like us after what we did to them? Then, of course, they call or whatever and it's back to square one. And, if the family is not really responsive..at least not as giddy as we are...then this whole thing just runs amok in our brains, which are already spinning out of control with the release of all those buried emotions struggling to be recognized. It's a whirlwind of emotions...like an emotional tsunami, for sure! Without proper damage control, we are goners. My family, too, altho cordial when he visited, not entirely as "taken" as I was...am...he, too, is different from us in some ways, but, I, too, feel very connected to him on deeper levels. Maybe it's because of those nine months, who knows. I have actually realized that I married the man I did, so I could take care of him in many ways...I was able to mother, sort of. Not fair to him, but now I understand it. As sad as I feel for the mess I made (one more)...I feel freed, as I have left.
For many months I felt like our reunion was going to go on forever...OK, I didn't really believe it, but he told me that it would; gee, how I wanted to believe, but one can never assume anything, and, as mentioned in another thread, there are too many variables...other people...involved for it to just flow smoothly. Sometimes we don't weather the storms as well as we'd like to. Somedays I feel sort of shipwrecked, but then other days...most..I realize that I'd better learn how to take care of myself. I am trying.

[marimari]

Jackie...for awhile I did have friendship and more...that's what makes it difficult...I know what I had...now...I know that we moved way too fast without knowing where we were going. And, I couldn't just focus on the future right then, there was this whole "past" to sort out, along with everyone else involved. I recommend taking time for just the two people in reunion...time to talk, yes, but to be in person and laugh and cry and hold each other without the distractions of others to solidify the bond. We had only a few hours, that wasn't enough to get to know each other, but I am ever grateful for the times we had. I hope that you are right and that he's taking time to digest.

[Jackiejdajda]

Originally Posted by janiej

Jackie

As you know, I am about 5 months into reunion, and of course the honeymoon stage is pretty much over.
So now I get the "I'll call you in a couple days", and I wait, but no calls.
So I call him, and we talk, and things seem fairly "casual". I KNOW I want more from him than he can give me right now, but that doesn't make it any easier.
It seems some days my whole day is spent "obsessing" about him, almost like it was when I first walked away from him. It's like 40 years ago all over, only I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm an adult with a full life, and yet I cannot seem to move forward.

I believe that that obsession is unfinished business..
For me it was like I had pushed it away and pushed it away till I could do it automatically.. The minute thoughts came up back they would go.. But now.. (especially in the beginning) I was constantly reminded of him.. Is there an email? Will he call? And the terrible disappointment..
My expectations.. dashed..

He did not know about this.. I am sure he was not even thinking of me and my obsession.. This was my stuff..
This was my working on my grief that I never went through when I gave him up.. My sadness and pain that I suppressed all those years ago..
He knew nothing of what I went through.. Slowly I have told him but at that time he did not know.. I was just a woman who gave birth to him..
I was not a woman he had an emotional feeling for .. other than kindness for what I had done.. Given him life and all that good stuff..

I think the moving forward for me was when I said to myself.. I am sick of it.. I am sick of watching for that email.. I am sick of this obsession.. I said to myself fine.. If he is busy then I can be busy as well.. I don't have to wear my heart on my sleave every day..

Maybe I had finished with my grief work.. Heck at that point I was in my anger.. I was angry at the whole of the United States of America
Grandiose if nothing else..

My trip through life.. Mine...

Originally Posted by janiej

But how am I going to build a relationship with these kids if I never get the chance to make any "memories" of our own ? In the beginning, my son and dtr-in-law (whom I think is the world's greatest by the way), told me not to look back, only forward.
But it seems like forward isn't coming. I know it takes time, and I am trying really hard to be patient. But when almost a week goes by with no contact, I start to "panic". It's a terrible feeling ! I feel I am "losing" again, then I try to remember how busy they are and I am not someone "special" to them ("yet ???).

Its a long term thing I think.. My reunion started in 1999.. I met the kids in 2001 (I think)..
I send them gifts.. I send them books.. I am going to keep sending them the books I loved when I was a little girl.. My joy in reading maybe I can impart..
I am the kind lady who sends presents..

I love them..

But I don't want to confuse them.. I don't want to cause the bson more hassle.. He is not ready.. Or he was not ready.. I think he is more ready than me now.. I seem to be avoiding the cauldron..
The cauldron you are in right now.. I think...

marimari wrote..I understand the whole "obsessing" thing, and then not getting the promised call or whatever...I think it's because we know that we are not supposed to be in their lives...not according to the law when we relinquished...so any time lapse seems like an eternity and maybe we figure that we won't hear from them...like what were we thinking, anyway...like why would they like us after what we did to them?

I was able to sort that with my bson.. That came in a phone call about three years into the relationship.. I was able to tell him why.. Why I knew I could not handle raising him at that time..

I believe that... what you are saying.. is that some of us feel we do not have the right.. I do not have the right because of what we did..

The thinking that ....We are not in the drivers seat here.. We are in the back seat because we did it and we need to take responsibility.. and all that stuff..
That negative thinking.. That I did it and it all rests with me so if you want to hand out nuggets I am willing to accept that..

I went into the history of this.. Rickie Solinger wrote two books about us (and others) called Wake Up Little Susie and Beggars and Choosers..
She wrote about our history..
She wrote about how badly some of us were treated.. How barbaric it was.. for some..

We don't have to take responsibility for that.. We do have human rights here..

But then again we are building relationships.. Slow and sure..

mari....I have actually realized that I married the man I did, so I could take care of him in many ways...I was able to mother, sort of. Not fair to him, but now I understand it. As sad as I feel for the mess I made (one more)...I feel freed, as I have left.

Our lives got whacked off course.. (yours and mine among others )
I married a drinker.. I took care of him..
Heck I took care of everyone.. My mom was a drinker.. She started drinking bad after I gave my son up.. All my fault..
And because it was all my fault she could call me and verbally abuse me at any time.. My penance..

Jackie

[janiej]

Mari -
Thank you for posting that you understand the whole obsesssing thing. Like you , I wait for e-mails, phone calls, etc. Then I think the same as you - why should he call? What makes me think I have the right to have him even WANT to talk to me? I am NOT part of his life, even though he says he wants me to be. I just get so tired of getting my hopes up , like you. So I try to immerse myself in other things, almost to the point of "frenzy".

Then - Guess what happens tonight ?? He calls, and starts the conversation with "Hi -"MOM" !!!
So now, likeyou said, the whole thing is back to square one. We had a great converstion, kept it light, a little teasing, but I am truly afraid to bring up anything about how I feel for fear of "pushing".
He has called me mom in the past, in e-mails, in phone calls, but then it had stopped for a few months.
Now all of a sudden - there it is again ! Not that I don't love it, I do. I asked him if he was "forcing it", and he said he isn't, that he is getting comfortable with it. I really want to believe that, but I am not going to sit here and "analyze it" to death, which I think sometimes is part of my problem. I am going to take it for now, cherish it for tonight, and then when he doesn't call or write in a few days like he "promised" tonight, I will try NOT to think it was because of something I said in our "convo" tonight.

You said it's like an "emotional tsunami," what a great way to state it. I must keep focused on the "control" I need to have to deal with this thing.
It seems to be so much "bigger" than I had expected.

You said that he told you not to worry, that the reunion would go on "forever". I get the same thing, and want so badly to believe it. But I think you are right, especially about the other variables. There is just so much to deal with here. I guess I thought we were just in our own little "cocoon" for awhile there, and then all of a sudden the rest of the world "intruded".

He is in a high speed, fast moving world, both with his career and his family. I need to learn that any "minutes" he can "find" to include me, I should just treasure them.

As far as spending time alone with him, this I have tried also, but again - too much "outside" distraction going on. Do spend time with hims AND his family, and I do enjoy it. But it is just not the same as when we were alone. We only had a few hours in the beginning, and then he came here once by himself for about 3 hours. That is the last "alone" time we have had.
But I will keep trying for at least a few hours alone with him. I think ( no - I KNOW ) it would help me a great deal. Maybe I can convey this to him "slowly" over the next few weeks.

Jackie -
You said you believe that the obsession is unfinished business. I agree with that 110 per cent!!
He has received all the information he needs from me right now, but I haven't had the chance to get the information I need from him (re- did he EVER think about me in 39 years prior to this , and if so, WHAT did he think of?) I know it will probably be difficult,because of the "guy thing" that he has mentioned, but it is something I NEED to do.
Like you said, he probably has no idea of how I feel, because I am way too afraid yet to tell him these things. The fear of rejection at this point terrifies more than anything else in my life right now.

So how do I know when the right time is ?? I guess I just continue with the "baby-steps", and try to quit the "obsessing" part.(Easier said than done).

After we first met, he gathered some pictures of when he was young for me to look at. Of course I had copies made, and some of them I framed and had around my house. They were everywhere I went.
I had one in my wallet. I had one on my nightstand by my bed. I had one on my computer.
Last week I put most of them "away" for awhile. I think "looking" at him all the time didn't give my brain any time to process him not BEING here,talking to me, e-mailing me - ALL THE TIME !!!! Maybe it also was part of the "anger" you talked about. I was angry at MYSELF more than him, that I had LET him put myself in this position of being "set up" all the time, only to be let down. (Probably goes back to the whole "guilt" thing, which at this point I am sick of thinking about )!!

I left one on our TV, and still have the one here on my computer. But is has helped some, I actually have found that I CAN think of other things during the day than him. The negative thinking when I don't hear from him when I "think" I should has gotten the better of me. I- like you- am tired of the feeling.
So thanks to you & mari's help, I am going to try to move "onward & upward". I do know in my heart right now that he is really trying. I do know that it is harder for him to feel these things.
I just sometimes get "angry" and think "he opened up this whole thing, not he leaves me high & dry for days at a time??"

Well- poor me !! Get on with your life janie.
You did it 40 years ago, and you can do it again.
Only this time you at least know WHO he is, WHERE he is, how to get ahold of him if you really need to, and all the other "good" stuff that comes with the reunion. I DO know I will hear from him again, and he has told me to call him anytime (but I try not to, the busy thing on his side & all).
So I think thanks to all your help, I CAN do this.
I really thought it was just me feeling this stuff, but to know that others do to is such a help !!!
Just to hear someone say "I know what you mean" - means the world to me.

My hubby is wonderful in all this, but he can't say that. Nor can my best friend who has been to hell & back with me these past 40 years (and especially these last 5 months !!)
I love them both for their support, but the real support is having YOU all tell me "I know what you mean, I KNOW what you are going through !!

So I am off to bed tonight, and as always, you are all in my prayers.
janie

[marimari]

Oh, what we do to ourselves, huh? We all will make it through all of this, maybe with a few battle scars, but as long as we learn, that's cool, and hopefully one thing we'll learn is that we no longer need to feel guilty...that really is not productive in this case because we can't go back and undo anything. It only serves as a burden for us and our sons and daughters. I am so happy for you, Janie, that he called and addressed you as "Mom"...how very, very cool. That'll keep you up in the clouds, for sure. You are right to hold on to those feelings, especially when the temptation to feel despair may rear up. If he's like some of us, we want to make those special calls when we know that we'll not be interrupted, so finding the time to just be with you may be difficult. I know that my son would call on his way into the city, like a 20 min. drive, to see his then girlfriend. Altho, she did always seem to call him during our few precious minutes...ugh...guess she was just checking up on him...my point is that you are right to try to remember that finding the "right" time to call isn't always easy. That he misses a call to you doesn't mean that he's not thought of you. I sure wish I'd known about these sites in the beginning...perhaps wouldn't have fretted so much and made so many mistakes. People say that there is a lot of time to get to know each other, but forever doesn't seem as long as it used to...so, I think as we are "maturing" we feel more like, no, we don't want to wait, especially because so much precious time is gone. We want our time NOW! We want to try to recapture some of what we feel we all lost, even though we know that we can't, all those years of wishing and hoping don't just disappear...they are as much a part of us as our real memories are, so, it takes time to go through all of the rubble in our hearts. That is time that we do have to take or we'll dump it on our kids. It's important to honor our feelings as well, even though our sons and daughters may not understand, nor our other loved ones for that matter. At times, we won't understand either. This is an adventure in patience, isn't it?

[Jackiejdajda]

Janie wrote..So how do I know when the right time is ?? I guess I just continue with the "baby-steps", and try to quit the "obsessing" part.(Easier said than done).


Its such a messed up thing to me.. I give my baby up and I am told that I should not tell anyone.. "The walls have ears.." my mom would say.. So I repress and repress again..
My feelings towards him are not supposed to be there.. My feelings towards him were considered wrong.. Must not love the baby..
Must not break down..

I had a car at that time of my life.. I was in Miami.. I worked at Jordan Marsh and I drove to work in this little red Camero.. the one with the engine in the back.. Sunshine Superman would come on the radio and I would turn it up and yell the words.. Emotions spilling out and me repressing them..

When I finally move away from Miami.. (I moved back to Toronto) I started to feel emotions of love towards a man who was very distant..
A man who would not commit.. A man who has never committed to a woman to the best of my knowledge..I loved that love.. I loved that unrequited love.. The love I can not have.. That has got to be part of my giving my child up with no words..

Yes I got out of that relationship and yes I ended up with a man who loved me and yes I got married and had kids..

But this love. This boy that got away love.. What a thing it is..
I love this thread because I am finally coming to some understanding of what I am into right now.. I am in guilt again.. Darn I am in guilt again.. I am guilty that I have not called him on his cell phone.. The busy businessman and his cell phone..
I don't have the guts to do it..

This is like a twelve step meeting..


Jackie

[janiej]

Jackie

DO IT !!!!!!!! What have you got to lose ??
You've already "lost" twice you told me, so
DO IT !!!!
I'm with you all the way !!
janie

[lyndalou]

Hello All~Jackie, I'm glad you started this thread as I can relate to it for sure. My b'son & I are over a year into our reunion & it has been positive all around. What's happening now is that as they wait for paperwork that will allow them to move here, close to me, I sense a bit of a pulling back. (I'm in Canada, they are in Mass.) Before their last visit in Sept.,we called each other. always at least once a week. Now we still talk once a week, but only I call. Maybe I'm reading more into this than is necessary. I'll just give it time, I seem to be good at that. We never really know where we stand, do we? I'm blessed as my son has a very supportive spouse & his A'father has been more than gracious. He too, calls me Mom. I think he can because his A'mother is deceased & he wants another chance to have a Mother. Am I that Mother? I sure don't know. I have a lot of guilt too. I gave him up. Baby steps sound like a good plan. I am glad to have another year to build our relationship as they wait for Immigration. Jackie ~ what you said about men who are unable to commit... that really struck a chord with me! Yikes. I have a similar history, right down to marrying a man who needed to be looked after. Interesting that we share so many details.

[skinnylou]

I sat here and read each response. I saw my self in each one! The upside, nly to plumet, then to level off....and again.

I am 2 years into reunion, 18 mos of full contact.

I last had communication in Nov, when he thanked me for a Halloween card. I called on Christmas, no answer, left a voicemail. Text message on New years, no response. Several calls since but only left voicemail. This is his birth month and it is really hard, no response.

The insecurities and self recriminations are over welming.

I enjoyed seeing myself mirrored in others, not quite as lonesome and scarey.

[marimari]

Jackie, you are not guilty for not calling your son...you are protecting yourself, no need to feel guilty about that. You've travelled down this road before and know that sometimes you end up feeling like it's a dead end...so, you are being careful while you wait for him to make the first move and get the direction that you long for.
It sounds like many of us have been in that "waiting" situation and it is scary...we don't know whether they've had enough of us or got all the info that they wanted and now feel "complete" enough to continue on with their lives while we wait and wonder and beat ourselves up. It does feel, like someone said in another post, that we are rowing upstream against unknown currents, and as hard as we paddle, we feel like we get nowhere at all. You have to decide what you have to lose by calling him...maybe it is your control...your selfcontrol...I guess I'd want to hang on to that, too...we, too, need to feel whole, not just our relinquished children.
We have to remember that our experience is not their experience....I think they want to know that we are there for them and are pleased to know that most of us never forgot about them, but their perspective is different.... None of us is proud of our decisions from that time,but we have definately served our "sentences"...it's time for us to forgive ourselves. We have to try not to fall into the trap of judging ourselves with today's values...there are enough people out there with narrow minds that will do that; we can forgive ourselves...we must in order to remain whole, functioning, loving women. Something I read once talked about how hard we can be on ourselves...like being critical over our body shapes or a blemish, etc...the article went on to question: would we talk to a best friend the way we do to ourselves? Would we consider picking them apart as mercilessly as we do to ourselves? Probably not...why do it to ourselves? We need to learn to love and respect ourselves...for us, number one, but also for our families, and for the children that we wish to welcome back into our lives and whose lives we want so desparately to be a part of...they want us to be whole, too. No wants to be around someone who is constantly lamenting about this or that. It's draining..we'll drain the life out of them and ourselves as well. I know that it is not easy, but because I've made some..if not all...the mistakes possible in reunion, I know what I am talking about. I blew it by being so immersed in all of the emotions and gave all my power to someone else...kind of like we all did all those years ago, because we didn't feel worthy then and we still don't...or some of us don't...Now we do have control over our responses, our feelings, especially if we've allowed ourselves the freedom to feel all of those buried, painful ones from long ago. What would we tell our best buddy if he or she was going through this? Surely not to grovel. We'd be lamblasting the other adult...our children...for being inconsiderate, etc., and reassuring our friend of what an amazingly wonderful person he or she is. Do it, ladies, be good to yourselves...you deserve to be loved because you are lovable...not perfect, but, by God, we do the best we can. If they don't call us, that's OK...it is not the end of the world...yes, it feels like it, but it is not. Sometimes some song comes into my mind with words that go something like this: " gotta long without you before I met you, am gonna get along without you now". Nothing too profound, but we need whatever we can find sometimes to help us stay on an even keel.
They need us to be even as well...we need to try to respond and react to them like our other children or other people that we care about...I know that it is not the same, but we have to find a way to ground ourselves, and realize, too, like Jackie has stated, that sometimes they need time to "digest" everything...to integrate us into their lives, their reality, which is not the same as ours, sadly. And, sometimes, life just happens...there aren't enough hours in the day. I know, we should be a priority...they are to us, but again, their realities are not the same as ours. I know it all sucks sometimes and hurts so badly that we want to scream, but the words don't come out or fall on deaf ears. That's when we must listen to ourselves, feel the pain, and go shopping...just kidding about that part...but we do need to do something to reaffirm ourselves as women of value, not of shame. They will never probably "get it", you know....most people don't unless they've gone through the heartbreak of giving up their child, too. Once again, give it to God.

[janiej]

Marimari

Thank you so much for your "public" post to Jackie.
I read it, re-read it, and actually printed it out so I could read each word over again.
It's like alot of it you could have been writing to me.
The emotions, the self-control issue, the "liking" ourselves issues, all such a great help.
Got me to do alot of thinking and soul searching in a different direction - that being "positive".

To ALL of you here, you will never know how much help I have been given in the 2 weeks I have been on here. More help than I've had in 40 years !!!

Thank you all so much and PLEASE keep putting your thoughts down. I read them and say "Whoa - there IS someone who knows how I feel " !!!
janie