[SchmennaLeigh]

I am often in conflict with myself over the adoption. Not so far as regret but as follows:

I am proud of myself for choosing life. I am proud of my strength. I am proud of my daughter.

At the same time, I am ashamed that I was not what I needed to be. I am ashamed that I was weak enough to be talked into things. And I am ashamed to be a birthmother.

Example: I got a beautiful Italian Charm bracelet, previously mentioned, for Munchkin's Birthday. One charm has her birthday on it and I absolutely panic what will happen when some Neb-Nose asks what that means... and it has baby hands and feet above it so it's not something easy to weasel out of... and I hate LYING when I'm blatantly asked a question about something such as this.

Furthermore, when everything went so poorly at Munchkin's birthday party and I was then talking to Jeff and Denise (through sobbing tears) about all of this, he simply said that I should just tell everyone that I am a birthmother. The thought, even just now!, makes me want to vomit. My stomach drops. I have this overwhelming need to be thought of in a positive light. (My therapist says I have obsessive-compulsive personality trait (NOT DISORDER) so I am prone to perfectionism.) Josh and I are planning on telling his Dad (and stepmom, blah) this year. That makes me want to die. Literally. My face is flushed right now! How can I be embarassed even now?

How can I be simultaneously proud and shameful at the same time? I am very confused on this issue. When I get embarassed about these things, I feel as though I am being embarassed about my daughter: but that is not the case.

Someone make sense of me. *hangs head*

[Jensboys]

Jenna - I cant begin to make sense of it, but I just wanted to offer you my support. I think it will just take time, to reintegrate who you thought you were with who you really are - and how you thought people perceived you, with how they really do. You ARE munchkins mother (one of, anyway) - and that WILL integrate into your sense of self, and your sense of self esteem.

Shame is an emotion we let others place on us. You need to get yourself to the place where you can step away from the attack of shame. It will come - you have come so far.

You continue to be in my prayers.

Jen

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

You ARE munchkins mother (one of, anyway) - and that WILL integrate into your sense of self, and your sense of self esteem.

It will come - you have come so far.

Somedays I know, in my being, that is true. Other days, not so much. You're right about it taking time to integrate into my sense of self.

And I have come far. That's the darn truth. Thanks, Jen.

[michellemartin]

I had issues with ocd as a young adult. I was supposed to be taking medication for it, but once I knew what the problem was found it much easier to deal with. Anyway story for a different day, but I know how it can affect you.

As for telling everyone about being a birthmom, I do that. I tell everyone. I'm compulsive about telling people! It was hard to tell people when I was pg that I was placing, but I told everyone anyway. After, there were a few tough times in telling, but the more people I told the more comfortable I became telling people. I work for a temp agency, so I work at one place a few months and another a few months... and so on. I tell people when they ask if I have children about the adoption. I tell them any chance I get. I want them to know I'm a birthmom. I wouldnt say I'm proud of it, but I know there has to be a birthmom out there living in shame, and I hope that by "outing" myself, she might just talk to me about it, or "out" herself. I have yet to meet anyone admiting to be a bmom also, but have meet bsibs and adoptees. It is scary to out yourself, but it gets easier every time. I even tell people in job interviews when they ask about interests. It's something that definitely makes us unique.

[VKH]

It made me so sad to read that you ashamed to be a birthmother . I don't experience this pride/shame scenario, at least not to the degree that you feel it. The extent to anything even resembling shame that I feel is sadness that I wasn't financially stable or prepared enough to raise my child.

This is something that I personally tell myself regularly that just takes away the shame....the only way that (most) aparents are ever able to become parents is because of my "sin/indiscretion". Where is the shame in that?!? I was able to provide a loving couple with a child and create a family.

I, like Michelle, LOVE telling people about my bson. I used to tell people all the time whenever they asked me about my pregnancy. Hey, if they didn't want to know then they shouldn't have asked..lol . And I agree that the more I do it the easier it gets. Also every one I mentioned it to was so supportive and I found that that would give me a lot of encouragement.

I hope that you are able to work through your feelings and see that there is no shame in being a birthmom. I'm having lots of other conflicting emotions right now and I understand how difficult it is to try and sort through and make sense of everything.

(((hugs)))

Vanda

[SchmennaLeigh]

The fact that you two find it so easy to talk about your birthchildren and the fact that you are a birthmother only makes me feel worse and more ashamed.


I don't know how to fix this one.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

The fact that you two find it so easy to talk about your birthchildren and the fact that you are a birthmother only makes me feel worse and more ashamed.


I don't know how to fix this one.

One step at a time. The more you do it the easier it gets. You are the one that needs to set boundries that are comfortable for you. There is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. You do not need to spill your guts to every stranger. Here is part of an outline I use in discussing this at The Lifegiver's Festival.

1) How do we decide whom to tell what to?

A) The Need to know rule. Questions to ask yourself.
1) Who is asking?
2) Why are they asking?
3) How are they asking?
4) What do you think their reaction might be? And...
5) Are you willing to “get into it” if need be?

B) The Need to know rule. What if they don’t ask?
1) Who in your life really needs to know?
2) Why do they need to know?
3) The risks of disclosure.
4) Dealing with fall out.

I never lie about my son's existence. If people ask me if I have children I always say three. I don't give them details about parenting. I can talk easily about all three without that. Most people do not want to know, or need to know the intimate details. If they ask me a question that I don't feel like answering I say, "I am not comfortable answering that." Sometimes I say, sweetly, "Why do you want to know?" Other times I honestly say, "It is too painful to talk about." They really do not need to know even the latter but sometimes I give it to them.

And that is the bottom line, Jenna. In sharing your story you are giving someone a very private, sacred piece of yourself. Determining who that is going to be is not a decision to take lightly. You have a right to your privacy. And your child has a right to their privacy. Your story is her story as well. There is nothing wrong with not telling the world.

And while you might be thinking to yourself.."That's easy for her to say, she has her story all over the place". Please know that there are many things about my story that I do not share with the world in my writing or speaking. I keep them private because I have created my own set of boundries that I, Matt and his family are comfortable with.

As far as dealing with shame... you are half way there because you have identified it. I almost did not have other children because of the shame I was carrying around. I convinced myself I did not want them when in reality I did not think I was "good enough" to be a mother. Figuring out that was a decision based in shame was half the battle.

The Spirit of Open Adoption has a great chapter on shame that I think everyone in adoption should read. I agree with Jim Gritter when he says that shame is not how we feel about something that we have done, but is how we feel about who we are.

You are a good person, and I think you know that deep down, otherwise you would not have been able to stand up to your uncle like that. Find more of who that Jenna is and you will do fine.

[michellemartin]

Jenna, it wasnt easy to tell people in the beginning. I'd get sweaty palms and panic anytime I thought someone "might" ask about the baby while I was pregnant. It was hard, but I forsed myself to tell them anyway. At the end of my pregnancy it was easier, but then when returning to work it started like that all over again. I was nervous and scared and if anyone asked "wernt you just pregnant?" I'd forse myself to tell them I placed. All except one lady. I didnt say anything except that I had a girl. I feel almost ashamed I didnt tell her I placed, almost as if by not saying anything, that I was lying. She went on to tell me about rummage sales and church sales and it made it harder to say she wasnt home with me. So I just didnt.

It took me a while to become comfortable sharing this with people. AND when starting a new place at work, I still get nervous with the first few people I tell. I'm still afraid that people will say something horrible to me. They have, I wont deny it. There have been people who said "I'm soo sorry" and looked at me like I was a miserable person. I've had people say "how could you 'give' your baby away!" But most of the time, people are just curious. The elderly are always suprised that I still see her. Open adoption to them is a foreign concept. They ask sometimes if I can take her back (cuz its open), so I try explaining that. The educator role there I guess.

Even when I do bring it up at interviews I am afraid I'll be interviewing with someone who thinks adoption is evil. They are out there, too, and they may be interviewing me. So far I've had good luck and not had that incounter.

But the more I told, the easier it became. Its still not "easy" but its not hard anymore. It was hard to put myself out there at thier mercy at first, and at times it still is.

If you dont feel comfortable sharing, there is no reason you must share it. It's not your job to educate the world on adoption. Sharing those details of your life is completely up to you.

From anther perspective, I know a guy (gay male) who tells his bedroom stories to everyone who will listen. I'm not sure if he used to be afraid to share, but now... OMG the things he's told me! (I was merely a coworker!) There are tons of same sex couples who wont share those details for (IMO) similar feeling we dont always share about being bmoms. It doesnt make them bad for not sharing, and it doesnt make them better either. Now I know that not everyone wanted to hear stories from the guy I worked with, and not everyone wanted to hear my story. Gay people make some people uncomfortable, and Bmoms make some people uncomfortable. Its a risk I take evey time I open my big mouth, just as its a risk for that guy I used to work with to open up about his life with his partner.

[DisownedRocker]

(((Jena))). I think this is another part of the emotional roller-coaster that comes with adoption. If adoption were a theme park, there would always be an "emotion" to ride. Some days I feel VERY disgusted w/myself, and I guess that could be associated with shame. But then I think of the beautiful little boy that I gave birth to, and how proud I am to be Zachary's birthmother, I couldn't have asked for a more healthier and happier baby. As much as I don't want to tell people, I tell them, because then when I'm down and out for a day they'll have somewhat of a sense why. Always remember, there is a beautiful, happy, healthy little girl who would not be here if it weren't for you. That in itself gives me enough "pride" to overcome the shame.

[loveccl]

Jenna,

I think you got some great advice from everyone. I know that along time ago I found out people are not comfortable with adoption and don't really want to talk about it. I guess thats when I stopped talking about. I let people know and yes, I stressed about telling my now fiance's parents about it. I think if the people you tell are people who respect and care for you then you have nothing to worry about. My fiance's parents love me and others I have told respect me for the person I am and have never really judged me. I once complained about my stretch marks to a guy friend and said they were grose and he said they weren't grose they were from a baby. I'll never forget that. Choose who you tell and make sure its always someone who loves and respect you.

darcy

[ingodshands]

"Someone make sense of me. *hangs head*"

Jenna, hold your head up. Hold it up high.

I agree with a couple of other posters, about telling everyone you are a birthmother (gradually)...you have done nothing bad. Nobody has the right to judge you. If they judge you, without knowing you and your situation, they are not worthy of you. And you don't need friends like that, right?

You are munchkins first mom, and you are proud of her, show the world you are proud of her, be honest with the world and yourself.

This overwhelming need that you have to be seen in a positive light. You can make it positive. You can't tell what everybody's reaction will be when you tell them, but you can decide your reaction to their reaction. If they have a problem with it, it's their problem, not yours.

The people that love and respect you, love and respect you for YOU, being a first mom/birthmother is part of you, for ever. Now its up to you whether you "show" this part of you to the world, or keep it hidden.
Collette

[SchmennaLeigh]

Everyone has given me great advice and I am, of course, always thankful. But I'm just stuck in this rut. I wear my Cherished Wish bracelet everyday. (When it doesn't fall off.) I have my charm bracelet on with her birthdate, her birthstone, the birthparent awareness ribbon (pink like breast cancer) and soon (when it arrives) her name. I'm reminded, if only by my wrist and not my memory, that I brought a great Munchkin into this world. But then friends at work talk about their children, their birthdays (which makes me remember the nightmare that was Munchkin's birthday), and all of this stuff and I feel if I speak up... I can just imagine the gazes.

I don't know how to get past this. I've read LifeGivers AND The Spirit of Open Adoption. While they made me feel better about different aspects, it didn't solve anything. My therapist is still trying to figure out how to handle this (as no one in this area has any birthparent experience... NOT eVEN CLOSED@) and I'm just so tired and frustrated.

But I keep on going on. What else can I do? I'll just have to learn to live with this severe pain.

[ingodshands]

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. I can't imagine what it feels like, because I'm not a birthmother. But I respect you so much. You said:

"But then friends at work talk about their children, their birthdays (which makes me remember the nightmare that was Munchkin's birthday), and all of this stuff and I feel if I speak up... I can just imagine the gazes."

I know this is going to be incredibly difficult for you. But if you can find the courage....let it out. You do not have to go into ALL the details. And as for the gazes....(if you get them), continue to talk about what a darling daughter you have, and that you are very proud of her, and hold your head up high, Jenna. You are as good a person as any of your work colleagues. Believe in yourself.
Collette

[numbr1dbcksfan]

People usually are confused when I talk about K. When I say that I am a birthmother and she is adopted. It usually turns into a conversation about open adoption...and I haven't recieved any bad comments...it is usually what a wonderful thing I did.

When I feel like you...that I didnt have the strength to be what I needed to be.

I stare at her..and stare at her...and stare at her. Wishing that I knew what she was like.

I think...for me...the first part is realizing that you are worthy. That even though you feel that you werent string enough then...that if it ever happens again...you WILL be. It was not in vain!

I think Brenda said a lot of good things. Hang in there, Jenna.

[Ragnarok]

Jenna, I am right with you on the shame aspect. I am so ashamed, that in four years I have still not told my parents that Matthew exists. And yet I am so proud of the boy, and because he is part of me it makes me proud of myself too. Proud that I helped to create something so special. The guilt and the shame of not being there for him when it counted far outweigh any pride. I despise myself for being too weak of character to be his father. Does this sound familar Jenna?

I have a fear of failure, always have. If I found I was not good at something, then I would quit before I became a failure. The perfectionist thing. I expect perfection from myself, and therefore assume others do too. That is why I simply cannot bring myself to admit to my family that I am a birthfather. My weakness is in avoiding the issue so that I appear to be in control. If nobody realizes that there was an issue to avoid, mission successful.

I do not know how to change that mind set. But I just thought I would let you know that at least one person does not think you are weird.