[spaypets]

((Jenna))
Which part is the source of your shame? The getting pregnant part or the placing part?

Because by choosing adoption, you made a parenting decision. In the same way people move because the schools are lousy where they live, you decided that the life you had to offer at Munchkin's birth wasn't what you wanted her to have. So you found some place safe and secure where she could thrive. That _was_ being there for her. That was a parenting decision based on the circumstances of your life at that time.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Getting pregnant. Placing. Not being who I should have been at twenty-two years of age. The pain I caused my family, friends, and Joshua. The fact that, though she's the coolest kid on Earth, I can't bring myself to talk about her.

The list goes on.

[spaypets]

Ok, I dunno if it will help, but from where I sit, six months shy of 40, if I judged my self worth on the things I did when I was 22, I'd feel as ashamed as you do. And I'd be wrong--because you move on from those dumb things that you do in your early 20s. Sometimes the collateral damage is life long--that sucks, but there's not much you can do except do your best to repair what you've done, apologize to those you have hurt and change your life so you don't do the same things over again.

Lots of us have had relationships with people who were wrong -- either for us or just wrong. Lots of us got away with just having a sour memory. Our poor judgment, carelessness or whatever can remain private. For you, there was a consequence, but the way you handled that consequence is the measure of your character. And you made a decision, a painful decision, that you feel was best for Munchkin. There is no shame in that.

You never set out to hurt anyone. And no one died. You tried to fix what had happened even though there was no undoing of what had been done. You created a family where there was none. You gave great joy to a couple in the midst of your great pain.

As for talking about Munchkin, somethings just take practice. It's like how the first time you tell a man that you love him--remember how hard that is? And now, the words just fall out of your mouth--almost too casually.

Maybe you can hang a family picture of Munchkin and her aparents and when people ask you about it, you can say "That's my daughter and her parents." And then talk about something else.

Sometimes you just have to change the way you think about things. When you start beating yourself up about what's happened, stop yourself and revise the thought so that it's positive.

Take care, hon.

[michellemartin]

Now I'm really open about it, but Josh hasnt told anyone he works with and she's 8 months old already. I gave him a picture of Adad, him and Kara together. He put it on his desk. The secretary asked who the guy was. He lied and said his uncle. He took the piture back home. It is very hard for him to tell people about it. He feels like he'd be seen as a failure because he is a man and supposed to be able to provide for his family. I cant help him either. I dont know how to help him.

I hope your counselor does find a way to help you work through this. How do you feel about him? (counselor)

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

My therapist is still trying to figure out how to handle this (as no one in this area has any birthparent experience... NOT eVEN CLOSED@) and I'm just so tired and frustrated.

Jenna, if she would like to talk to me I would be happy to speak with her. True, I am only a therapist in training, but I think there is some information I could give her that might be helpful to her.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Jenna, if she would like to talk to me I would be happy to speak with her. True, I am only a therapist in training, but I think there is some information I could give her that might be helpful to her.

Brenda,

My counselor is a man. A man with a dutch accent that I find very intriguing! I don't know if it is proper for me to suggest that he talk to someone.

I am no good at this.

[paigeturner]

Jenna,

I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. Your posts touch me. As someone who started my adoption journey 22 years ago, I can tell you that it does get better. I don't know that the inability to talk about the birthmother experience is a sign of shame, but then I came from the era of closed adoptions. I'm a private person and the very personal struggle of coming to terms with the decisions I made when I was nineteen is not something I discuss with many.

Recently, my neice took it upon herself to tell my daughters that I had placed a child before they were born. I had never discussed it with my girls, not because I was keeping a deep, dark secret, but because I struggled with coming to terms with my decision and rarely talk about it with anyone. By the time my girls were in thier teens, it occurred to me that they had a right to know that they have a half-sibling, but I didn't get around to telling them. Shame on me. I wasn't aware that my neice even knew, but found out later that my mother had told her when she was 16 and gave birth on the same day that my bson was born.

It's all turned out well. I have amazing understanding daughters. They've been curious and I've answered all of their questions with honesty. They were completly non-judgmental. My youngest (16) said, "this explains it. I ALWAYS knew I was suppose to have a brother!" They are awaiting the time when a reunion happens.

I am so amazed at the strength of the men and women on this forum who participate in open adoption. I read your stories with facination and a bit of envy. I can tell you from the little that I know about you from your posts that you seem like a woman with a strong character, a huge heart and a shining personality. Take it from a 40 year old woman who has made more than her share of mistakes and continues to make them, that all of us have done things that we are ashamed of in our 20's. You will find peace over time.

Paige

[lisaann57]

Jenna;
I too am a birthmother, and I just outed myself in August of last year, right here on the forums, after 22 years.I feel the same shame that you are feeling, and though we are from different generations, the feelings are still the same. I have been married to my husband for 20 years and he has known since almost the beginning about my 2 munchkins, and my other children know as well, only out of fear that there would be that phone call or knock on the door years down the line. To this day my other family members do not know, and the thought of telling them makes me want to run. I am proud in a way of my ability to carry through with my adoption plans, and that they are now healthy productive adults, but my own shame has not diminished, what was I thinking? I would never dream of telling a perfect stranger any of this, and some of my closest friends do not know and never will, I guess I have carried it for so long, that I just can't let go. I dont know how to get past this either, and I wish I could offer more suppoort, but I am in the same boat as you are. Need a paddle? I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this, and I do admire the ladies who have been able to move out of this and to show their pride as birthmothers, I just wish I was there.

[loveccl]

Jenna,

I was reminded of a poem I wrote in my first year wondering if I was a Villain or Hero. I was asked to speak to a Senior High School health class. (Note this was kids I went to school with that were older than me. I had dropped out about 2 months before in my Junior year.) The teacher asked me to prepare something and come and speak to the class. I wrote this poem with the question am I a Hero or Villain. I talked to the class and let them ask questions. Life was all sort of a blur back then. When I walked out and was about to leave the school I was stopped. One of the mothers of a student in the class happened to be sitting in. She approached me to say that just that morning her daughter had asked her about birth control and options. She wanted to thank me for comming and sharing my experience. She said that after hearing my story she would be talking to her daughter again. (Her daughter was in the class)

To this day I still wonder if I am a Villain or a Hero. That day maybe I wasn't a hero to myself or my child. I think just maybe I was for an hour a hero to that mother and her daughter. Its so hard!!! I guess I wanted to share this with you and let you know that not everyone will view you as a villain. You will be seen as a Hero to many. I still have no idea how I stood up there and talked to that class. Its easy to be a mother here on line with everyone, but much harder at work and play. Give yourself time. From what I know about you its still new. The first year is just the first hurdle.

Also I have to say turn the forcus a bit on you. No its not selfish. Instead celebrate yourself as a birthmother. Celebrate yourself as the person you are becomming from this experience. I know its harder to look forward, but I have faith that you will see through. Know that you are a HERO and celebrate that.

"Celebrate the Journey"

Darcy