[michellemartin]

Today the adoption was finalized. The birth certificate bearing my name has been sent into oblivion. I'm gone. To her I never existed (on paper)...

They officially can call Kara their daughter and I'm glad for that. She officially belonged to an agency for 6 months. Its good to know that she will be with them forever and no one can take her away from them.

Also I had a nightmare they didnt want to keep her so didnt finalize... Oh my! What a bad dream that was... Fear they would change THEIR minds!

I really dont know what to say... Just wanted to let you all know that I've been erased... that its sad to be erased... I'm not really sad she's gone yet. I suppose that will come someday, but I'm sad, very sad, that I have been utterly abolished from her life (on paper anyway). Very frustrated that I gave birth yet there is no record of it anymore. (I suppose I will get my hospital records to show there WAS a baby!).

I guess I feel that if I'm "erased" will I just forget about her. I guess that is my ultimate fear. That I will forget her... See I got somewhere! YAY! I know what I'm afraid of. That's a good sign. Anyway... I KNOW I will never forget her. But the details are already fuzzy. Her toes, her fingers, which ankle she has a birthmark on... One day will I forget the birthmark? Will I forget those toes? I know I wont, yet I'm afraid I will.

[79nic]

I understand about the "erasing" part. That part of adoption bothers me to no end.

Just hang onto all the paperwork you have....

I thought I'd never saved any of mine, but discovered last night that my hubby had saved it for me. You'd think it would've been sad to look, three years later, at the documents stating my rights were terminated... but all I really thought was Thank God, I do have proof that this really happened. Strange.

You won't forget about her. You've even got a thread going about what to do for Christmas/end of year.... all for her.

(hugs)

[michellemartin]

Yes, that's it... proof that it really happened. I know I wont forget... but still afraid anyway that I will...

OK... supposed to be in bed Going...

[mom2GRLC]

I will never say I know how you feel. Because i have never given up a child of my own(heck I haven't even been able to get pregnant with a child of my own.

But i do know the feeling of forgetting what someone so special to you looked like ...smelt like...or even the sound of her voice. My mother died when I was 16. Sometimes I try and think of what her voice sounded like...and I get so sad because i can't picture it clearly....other times....it is her face....how did she smile? How did she laugh? I am so thankful for pictures and even the few tapes i have of her voice that my grandmother taped when i was younger....they are at least something...but it is not like the real thing.

I'm glad that your situation is different though. Instead of someone you love dieing (although i know sometimes I know it must feel like your own child has died and that the child you gave up is now someone else's). You were able to create a life. To give her a piece of you....to give her your eyes or nose or hair.....and that child...your child...has a wonderful life to live and all the wonderful things she may become.

You are not erased. I don't even know two of my adoptive kids birthmom..but she is always in my thoughts and prayers...she will never be forgotten. Her love and sacrifice will always be made known to my kids....they will know her name...and everything I know or have heard about her. Our other daughter we are adopting this year...we know and have developed a good relationshiop with....I look forward to her being a part of (OUR) daughters life forever.

Your name may not be on the birth certificate anymore.....but you will always be the specail woman who gave theri child life....when they look at their daughter they will see you in her eyes or face or just the way she moves or acts...they will see you...and remember your love and also your pain. Every holiday and every birthday....they will have celebrations and joy...but there will always be moments when they will think of you and the sacrifice you made...and the pain or hurt you must be experiencing.

So you are never erased like chalk....you will always de written in permanent ink...in their minds and hearts.

[Just Julie]

Oh my gosh Jessica. My father died when I was 16 also, a hundred years ago. I have never thought about remembering his voice. I wonder if I would recognize it. I still miss him so much. Thanks for bringing this up for my mind to ponder.

This new birth certificate legal stuff is beyond my comprehension. It seems so strange, like from another dark age.

[shirleyville]

Hi, Michelle!
I hope you don't mind an adoptee chiming in here -- I "know" you from the Bible thread!
I completely understand that "erased" feeling, but from the other side of the coin. I've spent over 40 years feeling like I came from somewhere underneath an eraser......I was someone else for nine months inside my mother and for two days "on the outside" -- and then someone came along and erased it all and I resurfaced, on the other side, as someone else. Who I was, and where I came from.....how I came to be......all of it simply gone with one stroke of an eraser and another stroke of a pen.
It's all very hard to wrap your head around......
I wish you all the peace your heart and soul can hold!
I know that my birthmom has never been forgotten -- nothing can "erase" her.....I'm here because of her!
Hugs,
Sally

[tobeafamily]

One of the things I most dislked about our finalization was the new birth certificate. To this day it makes me feel, dunno, fake. Not fake as in not Ryan's parent, just fake in that the BC is a lie. He wasn't born to us, he's parented by us. There is a difference. Another amom at my office felt the same way.

We think they should 'amend' a birth certificate to reflect born to... then raised by.....

I'm also glad WE have his orginal BC, not that we'll lose touch with his family, more just to show him that sometimes what's legal isn't the whole story.

IMHO

Regina

[shirleyville]

The whole birth certificate thing has felt "wrong" to me my entire life. It's an official record of me coming into this world -- it's a part of history that's been falsified, as far as I'm concerned!
Not that I am planning to do anything "historical" -- -- but you know what I mean! It's a complete fabrication of the truth!
It makes me so sad -- other people have these birth certificates with their little tiny feet prints on them and all their information.....signed by an attending physician, with times and dates on it. Mine looks like something short of a counter check from the bank! Not even a full half sheet in size and made of the same blue-ish green "safty paper" that they make generic checks out of. Hand typed (on a bad typewriter) and the only signature is someone from the county. Even people in the witness protection program get more than that, don't they??
What I wouldn't give for the real deal .........*sigh*
And it's not about getting at the information on it....I already know my birthmom's name. It's all about having something that I consider to belong to me...........I can't even see my own footprints --- those, too, were "erased", along with everything else.
Hugs,
Sally

[numbr1dbcksfan]

((Michelle)) -- big ones! That is all that I can offer you.




You know in AZ you dont HAVE to change the BC... I often wonder if people know that. I also found it interesting that schools say to "bring copies of adoption papers"... Sometimes I want to ask...well how do you know that this child is adopted...and why does it concern you? But I also feel that way when the school asks me questions about " How old was your child when she cut her first tooth?" and various similar questions. Guess Im not a good mom...I didnt actually record the dates of these events... But that is another topic.... Think Ill bring it to "Pet peeves".

[snuffie]

Hi
Just want to add my adoptee viewpoint.

My birth mom always lived inside my heart. Although I found her too late (She had already gone to Heaven) it seemed that I "knew" her all of my life. And now that I have pictures of her and have heard about her from my birth sibs - the things that I instinctively "knew" about her are true.

A birth mom is never erased in the mind and heart of the adopted person. She is lingering there always.

Snuffie

[kburch]

Originally posted by numbr1dbcksfan
You know in AZ you dont HAVE to change the BC... I often wonder if people know that.

Really?? That's interesting. Is there a way to have both birthparents and us on there, or is it just one or the other?? Just wondering...

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Im not sure... This is what it says...



http://www.azdhs.gov/vitalrcd/adoptions_index.htm

On the request of the adoptive parents, the adopted person, or the decreeing court, a new birth certificate will not be established.

[spitzlvr]

I agree with Sally. My "birth Certificate" is dated 2 1/2 YEARS after I was born. My life before 16 months of age is totally erased, and from 16 months to 2 1/2 I was kinda Limbo-girl.

I feel it is horrible. My BC is like Sally's - a small green "safety paper" that is actually a certification that I HAVE a BC.

I have found my bParents, but an still trying to get my OBC. I need it for myself - to prove I existed! To see what is on it - Oh, I know all the facts - but I want the piece of paper! I want to be REAL! I want to see my original name on an official document! I want to be whole!

Other people have bc's that are accurate. Why not me?

[michellemartin]

Well I feel a bit better about it today. I'm getting a copy of the new BC in the mail and the adoption papers, too. So at least I will have what erased me... Maybe I shouldnt even say erased, because its more than that. Its being replaced. Somehow replaced doesnt bother me as much as just erased.

[Big Dreamer]

Hi,

As an adoptive mom I was sad to read that you felt erased. In all honesty I never thought that by giving our daughter our last name that her birth mother could or would feel erased.

Granted your name may no longer be on the "official" birth certificate however there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of the wonderful birth mother who placed our daughter into my empty arms.

Not a day (our daughter is 19 months old) goes by that I don’t stop to thank H for giving me such a wonderful daughter (even if I don’t tell her in person every day). When I look into our daughter’s face I see H’s eyes and face, and I hear her laugh. I see H in the little things our daughter does, those daily reminders fill my heart with love and gratitude. There is no way on this earth that H could be erased from our minds or hearts.

Every time they look at Kara they will be seeing some part of you in her eyes, or her curly hair, or they will see you in the way she likes to sleep on her tummy or it could be the way she likes to sit and cuddle.

Yes, the name is changed on the birth certificate however, no matter where you are or what you do your child will always be a daily reminder of the wonderful and courageous woman who dared to share her child with a family who had empty arms. Karas pure existence is proof that YOU CAN NEVER BE ERASED!

Hugs,
Maria