[Volfe]

Nicole! Hugs!!!

Start the letter... you can always mail it later or not mail it...

You know, my mother has the one letter about her - from her birth mom to the amom (they were sisters). It was written after her birth and in it (mom says) her bmom wrote, If I could keep her, I would name her __ __ (2 names).
Mom's amom named her that.

She didn't know the id of her bmom til much later but today that one letter is in her indestructible box of important stuff. It is a token of love for her.

Marie will always know you love her. I think she will always love you whether she expresses it or not.

Take care

Maia

[Renda]

Nicole,

It sounds like you know what you want to do which is walk away, but are somehow feeling guilty about it.

Don't feel guilty, it would not be selfish of you to leave her to grow up with her a family, if you leave information about yourself and her roots, and a contact address if you like then that will help her should Marie want to find you later in her life.

This is only my perspective of course, I grew up in a closed adoption in the uk, and it was fine, we have no open adoptions here as yet. I personally am glad I had a closed adoption, that way I just had one mother while growing up, all the people that I know who were adopted feel the same way too.

I feel that open adoptions are more about the birth parents than the children, I cant imagine in my family at xmas etc if my sister and I had had open adoptions, her b mother might have visited with a present, mine may not have etc and then how would our other sister feel who was our adopted parents natural daughter? So instead we three sisters all grew up with the same mother, and thank goodness.

The one area that the old closed adoption era lacks in though is information on birth parents, its natural as adults to want to know o ur roots and if there were more info than that would be helpfull, and save hours of searching and trying to piece things together.

So don't feel guilty Nicole, if you want to leave her to get on with her life, then you do it, one day she can find you if needed to satisfy her curiosity and she will know you did the very best for her.

Take care
Renda

[BrandyHagz]

Nicole,

I was raised in an open adoption, and I’d be happy to talk to you about how I felt as an adoptee growing up knowing my birthmother and her family.

I can’t offer any perspective on feeling selfish as a birthmom…I’ve never felt that way…and its hard for me to talk about things I have no first hand experience with.

If you every need to talk, feel free to IM me…I’m usually always around

[79nic]

Thanks again for all the support, everyone.

Update:

Yesterday I talked to two very wise, helpful, wonderful people. Brenda and my husband.

Brenda helped me think about some ways to minimize the stress surrounding contact. She suggested establishing some traditions with Marie and her afamily, and also having some structure to our visits schedule. As it is now, the aparents, my parents, or I just call whenever we feel like we want a visit. Brenda suggested having some times when we know, every year, that a visit is going to happen. This would take some of the anxiety out of wondering when the next visit will be, and, as Brenda pointed out, should be good for Marie, too, as kids tend to like/need structure and traditions.

Matt, my hubby, talked me through WHY I want to eliminate contact. I think I've figured out the underlying problem:

Basically, I feel like I can't play the role I'm supposed to in Marie's life. My feeling about my role is this: to build a relationship with her so that she knows I love her AND she's comfortable coming to me with questions.

There are two reasons I feel like I can't fulfill my role: 1. I never have any alone time with her, so it's very hard to build a relationship with her. 2. It's beginning to look like Marie's amom and I might have different takes on what is appropriate to tell Marie about the adoption.

I wrote M's birth story out for her over the summer. D and Y were very glad to have it. But I was brutally honest in it about how sad I was. Y feels that this could cause Marie to feel responsible for my hurt. She said she knows Marie will grieve and she'll need time to be sad, and she doesn't want to hide my sadness from her... just that there is a piece, another "side" of the story, missing. She thinks it would be good if I could write another piece to the story with some more... peace, or uplifting things... in it.

At first I agreed, wholeheartedly. I don't want Marie to feel guilty.

But honestly, I guess I've been growing a little resentful of it lately. It feels like just one more person telling me that all my feelings about adoption must end on a happy note. Well, adoption is NOT a happy ending for most birthmothers. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder.... what can I really write? There is only one thing that comes to mind: the moment I told D and Y I'd selected them to be Marie's parents. They were so happy that it eclipsed my sadness. It's one of my best memories.

Other than that... I can't think of any thing. And really: does she really want to read something about how great my life is now that she's not living with me?

(My mom suggested to Y that maybe it's not my place to write the happy side of the story, that maybe it is D and Y's. )

In any case, after that whole incident I'm concerned that maybe we have different "takes" on how exactly I'm to help Marie learn about her history.

Plus I don't have alone time with M.

So the two things add up to me wondering: What the heck am I even in contact for?

_ _ _ _ _ _

After realizing those two things, next thing to consider was: What do I do about it?

Matt said to talk to D and Y and just ask for more alone time. I told him I was terrified to do so, because they've never offered it on their own, and now we've had this... differing of views... on the birth story. He said, "Well, you have a RIGHT to see her, right?" (Um, no. They could move and change their last names and never alert me and it would all be perfectly legal. Not that they would do that, but....) He then says, "Well, OK, you have a RIGHT to ASK for alone time." (True.) "So then just ask them. The worst they can do is say no, and if it's no, then you can stop the contact if you want. But if they say yes, then you have a way to start building the relationship so you can fulfill your role." (Light bulb moment. No need for me to walk away just yet.... Leave it up to them, really. If they won't let me fulfill my role, then I can go away. But it doesn't hurt to ask.... Nothing to lose anyway, since I've been wanting to walk away.)

_ _ _ _ _

So that is where things stand now. I need to write/talk to D and Y and:
1) ask for one or two set visits every year,
2) see if they have any ideas about rituals,
3) ask if I can have some alone time with Marie on visits, and
4) ??????? discuss our approaches to telling M about her past ???????? (yes? no? what do you all think? Do I leave this alone or bring it up?)

Now I just have to DO it. I am so scared. They are great people, and rationally, I know I'm worried for nothing... that they'll probably be fine with letting me spend alone time with Marie.... that they'll be understanding and probably even agree.... But I'm still terrified.

Anyone ever written a letter like this? A "things-aren't-working-for-me-the-way-they-are-now, so-here-are-some-suggestions-for-change" letter?

Nicole

[jotoch_jk]

First Of all, going back a couple posts~
Michelle, you mentioned TPR. Whst is that? At first I thought Temp. Pulse, Respirations...LOL. Which Of course confused me When I deliverd, the agency came in for me to sign papers...what papers? I have no idea...the hospital had me totally stoned out of my mind the whole time I was there. I did not get copies of these papers. Actually I have zero copies of any papers I have signed. I could have signed Chase over and my two daughters for all I know that day.
79~ you need to do what is best for you. We were all selfish in placing our babies...(well I shouldn't say all, we all have our own reasons) but because of our selfishness, our children may have better lives. I know Chase will have more than what my daughters have. My oldest was all for placing Chase, my youngest... she wanted to bring Chase home "just for a couple weeks" Your aparents sound very understanding. I am with Michelle, you should try telling V your feelings. My aparents, want to know how I am feeling. But they don't want Chase growing up confused and not knowing where he belongs. So I take it one day at a time. My oldest and I visited them when Chase was 2 months old, that was the last time I seen him. I want what is best for him and my daughters. My youngest daughter, just last week, said "I wonder what life would be like if we kept Chase" Did I do what was best for my oldest daughter and not for my youngest? I have many sleepless nights thinking about this.
I'm babbling... anyways, you have to do what is best for you. Take Michelles advice and talk to your aparents. I took her advice, e-mailed aparents with my feelings and they emailed me back with theirs and I am a better person because of it. I don't have this cloud over my head anymore, I don't cry everyday, I. I have not cried since, now that I think about it. Before, I had not heard from them, I thought they turned their back on me, but they just didn't want to step on my toes or send pics to me and hurt me by doing so. They didn't know how I was feeling. Now they do and I get pics of him and e-mails(THANKS AGAIN MICHELLE, you are my guardian angel, you saved me!) *hugs* to all of you!

[jotoch_jk]

79~
Just read your last post. I would put down your best memory, choosing the aparents. I'd also do as your hubby suggested. Ask about alone time, they sound like understanding aparents. Go with your heart, although it is hard to figure out if your motives are coming from heart or head... just do what feels right to you. It sounds like you have a very good support system with your husband and family, you are lucky. My prayers are with you and your family.

[tobeafamily]

Nic,

A few thoughts from an amom's head. Keep in mind ours is a fully open integrated adoption. Our son is 2 1/2 now.

First, don't rewrite your birth story. It's yours. I understand D and Y are concerned with how M might take it. Honestly, it's not their issue. That's between you and M. Yes, it's their daughter. She's yours too. And I don't believe in painting rosy pictures when they're not really rosy. Besides, she may not feel guilty, she may feel more loved because of this - i.e. it wasn't easy at all for you to place. Regardless, there are some areas where aperents never have a say. Birth stories are one of them.

Another thought: Y herself is having difficulty with your sadness - wants to hear the happily ever after story - and is transferring this on M.

Second, as an adoptive parent I'd be really really angry if his bparents closed themselves off. I mean really angry. Get on the plane and find out what the heck is going on angry. Because then our son would suffer the loss. The loss of a connection. The loss of part of his story. The loss of anything close to 'normal' about who he is and where he came from.

3 1/2 year olds don't think anyone is important other than themselves. It's part of who they are. I don't expect Ryan at 2 1/2 to sense even who Bema and Beda are other than two more family members. Later, though, when he has questions I have no business answering, they should be there for they are part of his story too.

I think creating rituals is an excellent step - things you do with M that are special, even if it's as simple as going to the park together. I think that for any relationship to form, there has to be one on one time.

I think that when you do talk to people you trust & respect about scary things, you should start by saying that you're scared. Then say that you trust & respect them and feel they do you too. Then tell them how you feel. Tellt hem flat out how much it bothered you when they asked you to 'rewrite'. etc. Then listen.

I've said before on posts: Open adoption is hard. It's hard for bparents. It's hard for aparents. It needs to be nurtured and grow as any other relationship in your life. Do not let hurt & resentment fester, they're like acid in life. Fight for it. Fight through it. You're worth it and M's worth it.

IMHO

Regina

[spaypets]

Another thought: Y herself is having difficulty with your sadness - wants to hear the happily ever after story - and is transferring this on M.

I think Regina is right on about this. It's upsetting for any aparent to admit that your greatest joy comes from someone else's greatest sorrow. I think that you need to carefully choose how you characterize the reasons for your sadness, but that you should say that you were sad. And that you miss her and wish things could have been different.

Nic, I'm sorry you're hurting. I think the idea of having a tradition or ritual associated with your visits w/ M is excellent. Her parents would probably like that too.

There are some things you can do with D & Y's cooperation to make yourself more familiar to M. My DD (who is 3) has grandparents she sees only a couple of times a year. But we've tried to nurture that relationship. We have videos of them reading stories to her. Their photos are on our refrigerator. They speak on the phone weekly. Now, when she sees them, they're not strangers. She has a relationship with them (and btw, she's never been left alone with them--you can build a relationship with a 3 year old and not have alone time).

At this age she's not going to really understand the birth parent stuff. I've been telling my dd her story and she's more interested in when we met her than anything I've said about her bparents.

But you can talk about the day she was born. Little kids love the details--like the color receiving blanket or how she smelled or how her cry sounded, or what you were doing when you realized you were in labor. My dd loves hearing about how she threw up on Papa in the car on the way back from the orphanage.

Good luck. I hope D & Y are receptive to your thoughts.

[Free_to_be_me]

My birthdaughter loves hearing details about the day she was born, too. One of her favorite story is about her peeing on my two best friends as they tried to change her diaper when she was less than a day old.

I agree that you shouldn't change the birthstory that you wrote. Maybe wait until she is older to give it to her and be there to talk to after she reads it. I have also written a birthstory, but there is no way I would let my birthdaughter or her parents read it at this point. It is really sad and I don't want to burden them with it. I wrote it for me. I will probably share it with my birthdaughter in a while. Probably a very long while. Maybe another 10 or 15 years...(she is 9 1/2 now). When I do share it with her, we will have a lifetime relationship that is strong and loving and secure so reading about the beginning won't be as scary because it will have a happy ending.

Good luck talking to Marie's parents. It is kind of sad how intimidating it can be to ask for things like more alone time and to know that they have the power to say no and ultimately the power to take off, change their names and disappear from our lives. My head knows that P's parents would never even consider doing it, but my heart feels this little twinge of panic every once in a while. It has eased considerably in the last nine years, though.

[RiverGal]

Nicole ~ I sure admire the way you are digging deep into your soul for the answers. You are doing all you can to get a grip on things. You must feel completely torn. Sounds like you are on the right track, though.

As far as your story, I can understand the a-mom wanting it to be "pretty" and "cushy," but it is YOUR story...your feelings. I would not rewrite it...those are the emotions that define YOUR situation. If it is too raw for her as a child, then perhaps it could be put away until she is a little older. Honesty is the only way to go. As her birthmother, you feel what you feel.

Sending you peace and good thoughts!

~D

[79nic]

The birth story....

It was never my intention for M to be read it now. It was just something I wanted to write down while I still remembered the details, and give to them in case anything ever happens to me (death, LOL). Y knows this.

I am the one who orginally offered to rewrite the birthstory, so I have no business feeling resentful. But somehow I do. How's that for being difficult??

Spaypets and Regina... you could be right about how Y is feeling. She actually did talk a bit about how it's so strange to have their joy come about from someone else's sadness, and she said she actually cried reading the story. I tend to forget sometimes that she is human, LOL. She's always turned such a confident face to me....

[michellemartin]

TPR= Termination of parental rights. Some states allow this to be done in a hospital. Where I am, it HAS to be done in a court room. I did however sign guardianship over to them (actually the agency) in the hospital, so that T and D could take Kara home...

OK back to the thread...
Maybe Nicole, You could write the birth details rather than the story. Write what happened and dont mention how it made you feel. Maybe ask for your letter back for a bit, (its been awhile) so you get the details in the right order, then give both letters back in seperate envelopes. One called the birth story (the one you have) and the other labeled the birth details. Just an idea...

[tobeafamily]

Nic,

You're not being difficult, you're just being reflective. Sometimes we offer things 'out of hand' that later we realize we don't really want to do. Part of wanting to get along.

Oh yeah and crying when she read it? My bet is definitely now on the major guilt she's feeling for being part of/cause of so much pain. Even though she's not responsible for your pain, it is yours alone, she still feels guilty about it. I'd put $5 on that.

BTW as an aparent I can speak clearly on the 'brave and confident face' b/c I put one on myself, especially early on. I didn't want Ryan's bfamily to think for one second that I wasn't SuperMom, even though inside there were times when I felt like a total failure and wondered if God really meant me to be a parent. The ice on that one broke with Ryan's bgrandma, who has a wonderfully loving and plain way of putting things.

Still, I find myself at times presenting only that things are wonderful and Ryan is a genius prodigy and with him and us and parenting hasn't affected our relationship with each other one bit. Then Ryans' bgrandma laughs at us of course.

Regina

[79nic]

Still, I find myself at times presenting only that things are wonderful and Ryan is a genius prodigy and with him and us and parenting hasn't affected our relationship with each other one bit. Then Ryans' bgrandma laughs at us of course.

ROFL, Regina. ....Actually I can't even imagine you putting on that super-mom front, you're always so down to earth here.... but that should just go to show that if you do it, Y probably does, too.

I also thought it... almost odd... that Y (and D, she said he got teary too) cried at the story. She said, "I'm sure you cried, too." Well, actually I didn't. I'm a decent creative writer---not a pro or anything but can usually communicate a feeling if I want--but the fact that they cried over it took me aback. (I'm not THAT good. A stranger reading it would not cry.)

Trying to write the letter now. This is hard.

[79nic]

OK, I finished it. It is pretty long. Matt is reading it now, to give me an opinion....

(Biting my fingernails...)