[Free_to_be_me]

Nicole,

When my birthdaughter was 3 1/2 years old, I was a wreck. Whenever I went to visit I would be able to hold it together while I was there, but the drive to and from their house was awful. There is a park near their house and every visit I would pull over before I got there to fix my hair and put make-up on (which I almost never use) because I didn't want to look like I had just been crying (even though I had been). On the way home, I always stopped at Subway for some food (they cooked kind of weird food, so I was always starving) and I would sit in the parking lot and sob. It was so, so hard to say goodbye again, each time I saw her.

At that time, she was just starting to figure out what "birtmudder" meant and why I was important. She was generally a little nervous around me when I arrived, but I generally stayed for one or two nights so she had time to warm up to me. Even though it was hard, by the end of the visit I usually felt connected to her and like I knew who she was becomming.

We generally visited about 3 or 4 times a year...it was enough that by the time she was 3 she remembered me when I came and didn't really remember the first time she met me. (I remember the first time I met my biological father. I was 8 and I had met him before, but didn't remember meeting him then. I didn't want that for my birthdaughter.)

The overnight ritual started around this same time. Her bedtime routine is that someone goes to her room with her and lays with her and reads several stories to her. One visit, her parents asked if I wanted to put her to bed. Then she asked if I would sleep in her room with her. I read a bunch of stories and then turned off the light. Then she asked if I would tell her some stories. I am NOT a good storyteller. I just have a hard time making up fiction...so, I asked what kind of story she wanted to hear. She said "Tell me a story about when I was a little tiny baby and lived in your tummy." So, I started telling her funny things about when I was pregnant. I didn't tell her that it was one of the most traumatic times of my life...I don't know if I ever will...maybe if she asks... Anyway, we ended up staying up over two hours past her bedtime and now I just expect that the same thing will happen.

I am generally pretty good with kids-did a lot of babysitting, love hanging out with my nephews and niece and the neighbor kids, but I think a big part of the reason I am close with P is because in the beginning I just did what she told me to. She would say "Let's play vet" so I would. She would tell me to play Barbies with her so I would. When I went to visit, I had to re-learn how to play. Even though it was easier for me to sit and talk with her parents about her, I made a real effort to try to play, even when it was kind of boring. She became close to me because she figured out that the primary reason I was there was to see her. She loved the attention and loved having a grownup who would play with her and wasn't distracted by things like lunch or vacuuming or mowing the lawn.

Another thing that I do is take my cues from her about being emotional. She said "I love you" to me first. It was on the phone when she was 3 or 4. Even though I wanted to just smother her with hugs and kisses the second I saw her, I waited until she was ready to come to me. I was terrified of her taking one look at me and starting to scream and bury her face in one of her parents' chests because I was a stranger. I knew I had made it the first time I got to her house and she was waiting on the deck staring down the street looking for me instead of playing inside and doing her own thing.

I didn't start noticing much attachment on her part until she was 3 or 4 years old. The visit just after she turned four had the hardest goodbye since the hospital. When I was getting ready to leave, I had hugged her mom and dad and knelt down to give her a hug and she said no. I was a little hurt, but accepted it. Then, as I was about to walk out the door she started to cry and scream. She said "I don't want you to go! I miss you!" I had to force myself to leave. She did hug me and after talking for a little bit we realized that she didn't want to because she thought that I wouldn't leave until she hugged me so she wasn't going to so I would have to stay.

Another thing that has made me aware of her attachment to me is how she has talked about her birthfather. He has not had contact since she was 6 months old. She does ask about him (now almost every visit). She also talks to her parents about him. (They warn me about new questions and topics that come up, so I have a little advance notice.) When she was about 4, she was painting pictures and told me I could pick one. I picked my favorite and she said "No, you can't have that one. I'm saving it for my birtfadder. I miss my birtfadder." Then she started to cry. That was when I realized that even though she didn't tell me how she felt about me, if I left, it would leave a hole in her life.

Maybe something that could help you get closer to her is if you did try to spend one on one time with her. See how the adoptive parents feel about you and Marie going for a walk or hanging out at the park or just playing together alone. Reading stories are great because the best view for her is in your lap so she can see the pictures and you can see the words.

Another thing that just occurred to me is that beyond visits and setting up the visits, we don't have a ton of contact. I get an e-mail from the dad maybe once every two or three months, talk on the phone once or twice before each visit to let them know when I am going to be in the state.

I talk to P every once in a while because she spends a lot of time with my sister and I call my sis a lot. (My sister lives in the same town, I live 3000 miles away)

One of the things that really struck a chord with me was when you said that you have a hard time thinking of presents for Christmas and birthdays. I have the same problem because I don't know her day-to-day habits and hobbies. I usually ask her on the phone or in a letter or ask her parents. My sister is also a great person who can tell me what she is interested in. Generally, I give her things that I really liked when I was her age. I also give a gift receipt!

I hope this helps a little. I hope you are doing okay.

Lynn

[DisownedRocker]

Nicole, I can't offer much advice, because I've not yet been in your shoes. But I don't think that closing it is a selfish thing you're doing. I think you're doing what you feel is the best thing to do in your heart. Maybe you just need some space for now, I'm sure Marie's aparents will be understanding.

[coco46]

Hi Nicole,

I just wanted to let you know that what you're feeling is perfectly OK. Don't beat yourself up over wanting to just be "Nicole", not "Nicole, Super Birthmother and Adoption Expert".

In the years that have passed since I placed, my relationship with K and her parents has evolved and changed in many ways. She's now a "grand old lady" of 12, and I have to say that as time has passed, it's been growing easier for me to define my place in her life, but it wasn't always that way. There were (and still are) times that I needed to step back and just live my life a little, too. Inside my heart, I let her go, a little. She already has what I wished for her; a family that loves her and a life of her own. So I call or we visit occasionally, but I don't try to force the relationship to fit anyone else's idea of "open adoption".

For example, recently, she celebrated her birthday, and I just wasn't up to an outing this year (not because I feel uncomfortable with her, but because there's a lot of stuff going on in my personal life right now). So I sent a little gift and I called her to say Happy Birthday, but I didn't suggest getting together and neither did she. I know she enjoyed her birthday because her dad planned a big sleepover party for her. She was happy to hear from me but was more interested in telling me she got an iPod than finding out whether or not I wanted to go to the Outback Steakhouse for dinner sometime soon, LOL!

I wish I had something more meaningful to add, but this will have to do! I just wanted you to know that I support you. Take the time you need. Take care of yourself.

[RiverGal]

Disowner Rocker posted:
But I don't think that closing it is a selfish thing you're doing.

While I disagree that cutting contact is "not selfish," I very much understand Nicloe's plight in her healing. Sometimes being selfish is a way of preserving what sanity we have left. Only Nicole knows in her heart what she can handle. If it wasn't a selfish move, I doubt she would be wrestling so hard with the decision. It's a catch-22.

I believe in being realistic. If the situation was reversed, the a-parents would be bashed for closing the adoption. I would be one of the first ones to post my outrage...I guess that makes me a hypocrite, too...because I can truly understand where Nicole is coming from.

Posted by EggyMother24:Sometimes it seems like it is something that is there to make it seem more alluring to place..and it sounds great on paper, but them those nasty human emotons come into play. And there is no way to tell before how it will feel, but how many have said that there is no way they would have placed without knowing that you coud see your child? And yet, it does tie you to the experience forever...

Excellent point! There are potential birthmothers who have been lead to believe having a fully open adoption is the cure-all for relinquishing. Nicole's situation is a prime illustration that this is not always the reality. And there is no way of knowing this until one is neck-deep in an emotional tailspin.

Like I said, when I first came to the forum, I was envious of the open adoptions. Now, I am thankful that I had the space to distance myself from the emotions and pressure...not from the love for my daughter, just the "requirement" to perform an active role in her life...no matter how it ripped me up.

Yes, I was selfish, but I am also a well-adjusted adult with no major emotional issues, as is my birthdaughter.

Nicole, I admire your honesty. Knowing that you daughter is well loved and in a beautiful family can bring you peace. Isn't that a large reason for wanting an open adoption in the first place?

~D

[michellemartin]

I believe in being realistic. If the situation was reversed, the a-parents would be bashed for closing the adoption. I would be one of the first ones to post my outrage...I guess that makes me a hypocrite, too...because I can truly understand where Nicole is coming from.

The reasons for closing adoption for ap's and bp's vary sooo much. I guess I dont think and adoption should ever be outright closed if it is supposed to be open. I believe the party who wants to close should meet with the other party and work something out that is mutually agreeable.
Then there are the instances where the bmom does drugs and such. Then it is up to the ap's to tell the bmom which behaviors will not be tolerated at visits, and to tell her of the possibility that visits will stop because of the specific behaviors. I dont think it should ever be without warning.
I think the OUTRAGE expressed is when one party closes the adoption WITHOUT ANY WARNING! And it is an outrage and I would be also one of the first to post how wrong it is to do something like that to another person, whether ap or bp.

Nicole you are doing the right thing by thinking this through. I hope you find peace and a common ground to agree to with Marie's parents.

[DisownedRocker]

Michelle has a great point, you're doing the right thing by thinking it through. Maybe the best thing you could do right now is talk to the aparents, see how they would feel, they'll more than likely be understanding, and give you as much time as you need, but still be willing to open the doors back up if you cange your mind. As far as aparents being bashed for closing an adoption, like michelle said as well, the reasons vary. I think a bmother choosing to close an adoption for her own well-being is more acceptable than an amother closing it out because of laziness, or that's what they intended to do before the child was born, just agreed to anything to get a baby. If an aparent chooses to close an adoption, if they have a good reason for it, chances are they'll express this to the birthmother, whether they actually tell her themselves or have the agency do it. But just shutting the doors w/out a warning or a reason is why people get upset at aparents for doing it.

[lisaann57]

79nic;

My name is Lisa and I relinquished 2 children. They were supposed to be semi-open. Open was just coming into light at that time, early 80s. My sons plan was for pictures and letters until age 5 then nothing.My daughters plan was I picked the afamily and I would get letters and pictures periodically. I even had to step away from this after awhile, it was just too painful. I dont think I could ever have an open adoption and watch someone else parent my child and call her mommy. I know my limits. I dont think if you do this it will adversely effect Marie, she would benefit more, not having to see you so upset and drained.My birthkids knew I was out there and that the aparents could contact me if need be, but did it change their life, I dont think so. My son still played sports and developed his musical talent without me, he thought about me sure but it didnt make his life miserable because I wasnt immersed in his life, same goes with my daughter, she has an exceptional life even though she did not have contact with me in her young life. And not once have either of them mentioned that they wished that I had been involved with them growing up. They are to tell the truth reallly not sure where to place me now. So please take care of you, your daughter will be fine, you know what kind of parents she has and that they are taking excellent care of her.Just leave that door ajar for the future, and you have a whole life to live and its hard enough without this on top of it, so step back and have a life, because I promise she is having a wonderful one. Later on when she is older, she will benefit from your well being and happy that you are well and whole. Love Lisa

[Elaine95]

Nicole,

Oh how my heart hurts for you. I have not read the responses to your posts as I am short of time right now, but I wanted to let you know that you are probably more important than you think to your daughter. My daughter will be four next week. She has not seen her birth mother. We have a semi-open adoption and have only received two or three letters from her, but also a hand full of pictures. She LOVES those pictures, and she talks about her birthmother fairly frequently. She knows her story, but I am sure she doesn not realize the implications of her adoption yet...she's getting there. When she got a blanket and stuffed animal from her birthmother she was overjoyed. She'd seen her little sister get things from her Birthmother too. Her birthmother is very important to her.

If I had the guts, and if I didn't think I would make things hard on her birthfamily, I would write them a letter asking for more openness. But I refrain, only for the reason that I don't want to mussle up the peace that she's told us she feels in knowing her daughter is ok. I know some people would disagree with me, or maybe a lot of people, but I think that my daughter's birthmother has a right to her peace, even if that means that she's scarce. I know that my daughter didn't ask for this, and I have been reading a lot about open adoption and it's benefits, and I hope that our next adoption will be more open, but I also think that it's ok for you step back for a while if you need to. As I write that I feel as though everyone is going to disagree with me. But it is how I feel. Maybe not permanently...but maybe you need to in order to facilitate your own healing. I feel that an adoption should be what the BIRTHMOTHER needs it to be, at least until the child becomes aware of what it means to be adopted, and is old enough to express and articulate their needs (of perhaps meeting or beginning contact and correspondence with birthfamily).

I'll admit I am very uneducated and I am working on it....but this is how my gutt responded to your email. I hope noone is offended, I am the first to admit that my mind might change a little later on in the process as I learn more.

I hope that you feel better soon, and that these rainy days soon go away.

~Elaine

[79nic]

Everyone,

Thank you all for responding. I can't tell you how much it helps to hear everyone's thoughts and experiences. I know this is a decision I have to make myself, but hearing all the different stories and ideas is helping me think of things in new ways. I can't thank you enough.

Deb,

You are completely right, I do think this is (literally speaking) a selfish impulse. That is why I'm such a hypocrite, LOL. I remember a couple months ago a birthmother coming here and saying she was thinking about closing the adoption. I really asked her to consider keeping it open... tried to be nice about it, but really did push her to keep going. LMAO. What a complete and total hypocrite I am!

I think it's the fact that it's starting to affect my sleep, my work, my daily life that is worrisome. (sigh) .... What is the right answer? How far do you sacrifice yourself for a birthchild?

If this were something to do with Elise.... If I was losing sleep, barely eating, unable to focus, etc. because Elise was in the hospital dying and it hurt to go visit her every day, would I still go?

Yes. I know I would.

But I'm not Marie's parent. So do the same standards apply?


Michelle,

Wish I could help you to not feel bad about not thinking of Kara every day. ((((Michelle)))) I didn't used to think about Marie every day. Within the first year, I'd gotten to that point. Bizarre... seem to have regressed now....

I'd give anything to get back to that place. It's healthy. You have other interests and a life, and you get excited about other things; and that means your head is not empty, so adoption and Kara thoughts can't crowd it every day. I think your not thinking about her all the time just means you are an interesting person with lots of ideas, etc. It is FABULOUS.

Claud ,

Been reading your posts this week. You have so many wonderful insights. I just wanted to say that I am so glad you are here, talking with us.

You make an excellent point about open adoption being made out as this wonderful thing for birthmoms. As if it will take the pain of not raising your own child away.

I remember thinking it through during pregnancy. Thinking, it's still going to hurt.

It's all the little things that have blindsided me. Mostly, the basic drain of trying to form relationships. How funny that no one ever looked at me and said, "Hey, you're an introvert, do you really want to commit yourself to forming relationships with a whole new family? That stuff is hard for you. It takes a toll on you." No one did, and... I didn't think about the general drain of it all.

abcg,

You said: "if you leave a child behind, just let them know that you loved them."

That is, I guess, my dilemma. Will she know? If I leave? Do you think it is possible to communicate in a letter that she is really loved, or do I have to be there in person? If I knew she'd feel my love for her in just a letter, or if I knew she wouldn't care one bit about her birth circumstances, birthfather, me, it'd be so much easier. Just write the letter and walk away.....

Lynn,

I read your posts and just well up. It seems so impossible. I want what you have, but it feels impossible. At least, with the way things are unfolding now.

Feels like I am on the edge. Like something has to change... Like I have to let her aparents know this isn't working for me, and then do something about it. Either shut the door for a long time, or... what? Tell them I need more alone time with Marie?

You've given so much great practical advice. Going to mull it over....

Coco,

You said: "So I call or we visit occasionally, but I don't try to force the relationship to fit anyone else's idea of open adoption." That is so smart. So for you, was it having less contact than what other people thought should happen? More?

I'm thinking my ideas of openness are changing. At first, I thought it was about just being nearby, staying on-hand so that if/when Marie has questions, I could answer. I also wanted to prove to her that I love her. Didn't want her to think she was placed because I didn't want in her my life.... wanted her to see that she was placed because I just wasn't ready to parent at the time. So it seemed logical to stay involved in her life, so she'd see I wasn't trying to oust her from mine. (Did that make sense? ..rubbing my eyes...)

Now... now I dunno. This "nearby, on-hand" thing isn't working. Something has to give. It either needs to be much MORE active or much less.

Disowned,

You are absolutely right, I'm certain that Marie's parents would be understanding if I backed away. They are truly good people. And they would definitely welcome me back later.

Maybe that's why I'm leaning towards backing away, though? I know they'd let me do that? Whereas I don't know if they'd let me have a more active role in Marie's life, if they'd let me spend alone time with her, etc.


Lisa,

Your post reflects how I see things right now. That Marie will grow up fine without me; that she has a good family and good life without me; and that she will develop her own talents, etc. without me.

I really see my current role as, well, not current. My role was to bring her into the world. That's it. While I long for the kind of relationship Lynn has with her birthdaughter, I feel like in Marie's and my case, it won't ever happen.....

And, finally, Elaine,

I know you are telling the truth... that your daughter is interested in the pics of her bmom... that she was overjoyed at the stuffed animal and blanket... In my head, I believe you. But in my heart, I feel: how can it be true? How can we, birthmothers, really matter that much to our birthchildren? It's so confusing....

You sound like a great mom. Your daughter is going to grow up beautifully with you there. (Hugs)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Well, in an ironic twist... Y sent a surpris package which I received today. Contains some cute hand-me-downs for Elise; a card; and four pics. I don't feel right about reproducing the message in the card word-for-word, but will say this: Y says that she is blessed to have Marie, Matt, me, and Elise all in her life.

The pics are great.The first is of Marie smiling her big cheesy camera smile. Teeth gritted, LOL.

The second is better, she is wearing pink-shaded sunglasses and looking away from teh camera, with a genuine half-smile on her face. One lens is missing from the glasses.

The third is of the four of them (D, Y, Marie, and Maya--Marie's a-sister) in the fall, outside. D is holding Marie and Marie has her arm flung out and a huge, open-mouthed smile on her face. Like she's on-stage and about to take a theatrical bow.

The fourth is of Maya alone, beautiful lighting, looking so small and sweet as she holds a tiny flower in her arm. It makes me remember that if I cut off contact with Marie, I'll also lose Maya. And... I'll also confirm to Maya that leaving is what birthmothers do. (Her birthmother chose a closed adoption.) Will Maya ever know that birthmothers do love their kids--that HER birthmom loves HER--if I can't be an example for her?

_ _ _ _ _

Still thinking. Still sorting through it all...

N

[Shoshana]

Dear Nicole.

I am really sorry that you are having such a tough time. What I hear is that you are in pain and you are searching for ways to feel better. I remember when I found my birthmother at the age of 20. It was so much easier to write letters back and forth than it was to meet in person. I was so shy back then, and she was too. We didn't have the years of contact to make our relationship building easier. We had to start from scratch and each time we met, after such a long space in between visits, it felt like we were starting over. Now, of course, that part of the difficulty is gone -- but it took YEARS for our relationship to feel "normal" and comfortable. I can't see that your relationship with Marie and her family will get easier unless the amount of contact is increased.

I'm not so sure that you are unimportant to Marie -- even at her young age. She may not be able to express her feelings due to her age, and, I suspect, maybe because she too is an introvert. At the very least, you are a part of her life and your presence does accomplish what you intended -- for her to know you.

If you truly need space for your own mental health, then I do NOT think that is selfish. Someone used the term self-preservation. We have the obligation to take care of ourselves if only for the reason that we must take care of others. You can't reverse the equation.

I hear you saying, "what's the point -- there are many happy, well-adjusted adoptees..." Yes, there are. And then there are those of us who weren't always that way. All of the writing below this paragraph is excerpted from posts I made last year on this forum. If you decide to stay in contact, I thought this might be helpful for you to read. If you decide to take some space, then maybe you can use my words to give you the motivation to return to the relationship at a later point in time. Mostly, I just wanted you to know that you might be important in ways that you could never imagine.

OLD POSTS BELOW

having an open or semi-open adoption, i believe, would have saved me innumerable struggles as a child and teen. i had significant identity and connectedness issues which i believe were a direct result of having NO information about my birth family. i also believe it was due, in part, to learning about adoption at such a young age and not having the cognitive capability to understand the ramifications of adoption so parts of it were very confusing. i remember having these thoughts when i was as young as 3. (to give you a context -- i also remember thinking at 3 that santa claus couldn't possibly be real because reindeer couldn't fly, there were too many people in our town to visit in one night, and some people had no chimneys -- i guess i always thought too much and tried to figure things out).

some adoption examples:

i didn't know if i was supposed to be my parent's child, or if i was supposed to be their neighbor's child, or even a stranger's. if i didn't know where i was supposed to --be--, how could i know who i --was--? the neighbors adopted a boy a couple of months before my parents adopted me and from the same agency (actually a home for unwed mothers). my parents refused the referral of that little boy because they wanted a girl. the little boy was later found to be mildly mentally retarded. so was i supposed to be retarded? was he supposed to be me? and how was it that i ended up where i did? it seemed so incredibly random and that randomness i found confusing. i still remember this child's name -- teddy bayer, no less.

a related example - my parents had a daughter who died of leukemia at the age of 3. 2 years later they adopted me. janelle seemed to be a part of me. was i supposed to be dead? why was i there and not janelle? it probably didn't help that she had blond hair and brown eyes like me. i also remember thinking that everyone in the world had a "real" relative but me. my cousins were more related to my parents than i was. i remember reading phone books as young as 3rd grade and trying to recognize a name by osmosis that might be a blood relative. was i irish? german? italian? a mutt? everybody else had a nationality.

another part of adoption that i found confusing as a very young child were parts of what i call "adoption myths." the statement, "your birth mother loved you so much she gave you away." now, was that actually said? maybe not, but that's what i heard. think about the implications of that statement -- it doesn't take long to get to the translation that "love means abandonment."

another statement: being adopted means being special. sometimes, this worked for me. i was proud, at times, of being adopted. but it didn't always protect me from not --feeling-- special. if i was so special, why didn't i know another living soul who looked like me?

another myth: what i call the "as if" myth (actually, i don't believe i invented this term, i've read about it somewhere). as if this family is no different from any other. as if the child is no different from any other. the "as if" myth creates a culture of silence and pretending. it's not okay to feel different or wonder because our family is no different. as if the adoption didn't happen and you had no history prior to being a member of this family.

birthdays were especially painful. i developed a ritual of staying up past midnights on my birthdays -- even on week nights during grade school. i was overwhelmed with questions and emotions.

it wasn't just about not knowing my nationality or who i looked like. i didn't have a model for my emotions or behavior -- my personality, in other words. well, i did have plenty of models, but i wondered if they were the right models. was i 'like' my parents? if so, why? and if not, who? i
guess what i'm trying to say is that i believe i truly understood the nature vs. nurture controversy when i was a little child.

[Elaine95]

>>>>In my head, I believe you. But in my heart, I feel: how can it be true? How can we, birthmothers, really matter that much to our birthchildren? It's so confusing....>>>>

Nicole....I believe you, too. I cannot even begin to imagine the struggle you face, and I believe you when you say that your heart feels something different than what your head tells you as you read my post. You ask how you, as a birthmother, can really matter that much? I can't answer for all adoptees, and really, I guess I can't answer for my own daughter, but I do believe that there is something inside my little girl that is beginning to understand. I believe that she (and I - and so many of us) were born with some innate desire to be a mother. Somehow we knew how important that would be, and we long for it. She is THREE, yet she is such a mother. She mothers all of her baby dolls, she mothers her little sister, she mothers other children, and she even mothers me on my off days. She already talks about growing a baby in her tummy, and asks me why my "heart" (actually tummy) is broke, then she says, "My heart isn't broke, I'll grow a baby in my tummy." Yesterday as we were sitting around the Christmas tree she said, "I have two mommy's." Totally out of the blue. She then named me and her birthmother, and so I have got to believe that she is starting to realize that "J" loves her, and it's not just something we say to her. She sees my love for her, I tell her a hundred times a day. I snuggle with her, read to her, play with her.....I've got to feel confident that she knows her Mommy loves her, and now, as she starts figuring out that she has TWO mothers, she must transfer some of that over to "J" and that must help her know that she is loved by her as well.

Another spin on this is that my step-dad adopted me when I was about 5. The last time I saw my bio-dad was when I was about 2 or 3, I have barely a memory of him. Yet, I longed for him, and I loved it when my mom told me that he loved me and that he was proud of me.....even though I never heard from him, never got a birthday card or a phone call, he was still important to me, and I still loved him. After I got married we corresponded for about 5 years via mail until he died in 2000. He did matter to me. Very much. I feel so strongly that "J" matters to Nicole (my daughter), even though she can't tell me that yet, so I can tell her.

I know it's not my job to convince you! I hope that my experiences might bring just a tiny shred of peace, a tiny shred of hope. Enough to help you dig a little further in your heart and know the truth about Marie - that she loves you already. She loved you before she loved anyone on this earth. You matter. Very much.

I can just feel that you will be ok, you sound like such a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your journey with people like me, people you don't even know.

Take care of you!

Hugs,
Elaine
amom to two sweet girls

[79nic]

Elaine and Elizabeth,

Thank you both for your replies. What powerful excerpts, Elizabeth.....

I too think about the "randomness" in adoption. So many people say things like, "It was meant to be." "I knew this baby was meant to be ours when I first saw him" (aparents). "I knew they were the right parents for my child when I read their profile" (bparents). Stuff like that.

I've never entirely connected to that way of thinking, so to read someone else talk about the randomness was refreshing.


It's still weighing on me. I have two adoptee friends--both closed adoptions. Both have wonderful, supportive, loving, non-abusive families. Both were always told the truth about being adopted. Both were "allowed," growing up, to talk about it.

One is happy and content and does not dwell on her adoption. She wonders about her birthfamily from time to time, but it doesn't really affect her life.

The other struggles. Her heart's greatest wish is to know her birthmother. She has searched and been rejected. She has to make an effort to not carry anger and hurt with her.

These girls were brought up so similarly.... and yet their adoptive status affects them so differently.

It's impossible to know which one Marie will more closely resemble if I go away. Maybe I just need to keep at it?

(Sigh)

I am so tempted to write D and Y a letter, but not even sure what it would be at this point. LOL. Can I do that? Write a letter and tell them the truth--that I'm hurting, and need for something to change, but am not sure yet whether I want more or less contact? Feel them out about it? See what they might prefer?

Or is that totally dumb? ....Do I need to know for sure first?

[michellemartin]

Start the letter! Even if you finish it, you dont have to send it. Or maybe by the end of the letter you will have more of an understanding of what you need right now... then have to write it ALL over again.

[abcg1977]

Nicole
You asked earlier if you could really convey to Marie you love her in a letter. I never had a letter, I never had anything other than my adopted mom and dads words that my bmother wanted a good home for me and a mom and dad old enough to be my mom and dad. When I looked I found and very loving bmother. She never looked for me, many reasons involved in that but, when I looked and found her she not only opened the door she flung it open with great force and announced it to the world. I think if you open your heart to Y and D and tell Marie in a letter, video, whatever and let her know when she wants you back, that door is open she will know you loved her a whole lot. I also think that if you are wanting to step back as a reaction to really wanting to be closer Marie can only bebefit from you being willing to explore that.Take care good night-A

[VKH]

Hearing about your two friends and how they have been handling their respective situations really made me think.

I often wonder why some adoptees grow up perfectly content with not knowing their birthparents and why others are desperate to know? Is this just in each person's biological makeup? Is this produced by the environment they grow up in? I wish I had the answers to this.

That makes me wonder if Jackson is going to grow up to be like? Will he even care or will he want to know me, see me, talk with me, etc? My aparents and I plan on an open adoption but I'm anxious to see how open he will want it to be when he gets to the age that he can decide.

Nicole, I agree with Michelle. Write the letter. Maybe write it as a word document on the computer so you can save it, make changes, and just keep it until you decide for sure you want to send it or not. You might even decide after you write it that it just felt so good to get all those thoughts out on paper that you don't feel the need to send it anymore.