[Juscuz]

Hi Everyone,

I've been away for a while, I think if I don't think about the situation it may get better, and then not.....

To update - my bson and I have been in reunion since Dec. 2003 via email, we've spoken a few times on the phone and it's always wonderful to hear his voice - he's 24 now and away at college.

His siblings just found out (the next month) they had a brother, they are now 18, 14, and 6 yo sister. They all seemed to *accept* the sitation and moved on. My middle son and daughter talk to their brother via email chats, my eldest now doesn't care one way or another if he exist, he's very open about voicing this opinion. Saying he's not really *family* and that he doesnt' care to get to know him.

I'm devastated but was expecting the worst. But I guess the worst is that my husband (of 24 years - not the bfther) who knew about this adoption is totally unsupportive and wants nothing to do with it. He doesn't care if I correspond, or the kids, but he won't encourage or discourage them inany way. When I try to discuss it, the subject is taboo, and often dropped because his refusal to listen to my feelings. His unsupportiveness is hurting me to the core and he knows this but can't get past I guess, that I had a child from another man - 24 years ago.

Has anyone ever experienced such rejection from their spouse and if so, how did you handle it?

Some days I'm okay, and I just go on day to day, then when I stop to think how much this hurts that he wouldn't support me to see him, or encourage his kids to know their brother, I overwhelmed with such anger towards him that I can't even imagine existed in me.

My bson is a loving man, very bright and funny, and we have wonderful chats. But he also knows that my husband is not in the picture, that he doesnt' want to be either, and so for that I think he's stepped back a little to let him deal with the situation at his own pace. It's been almost a year and he's not made any changes, and I'm feeling like it won't ever happen.

Someone please give me some encouraging words of advice......

Mahalo,
Haunani

[Jackiejdajda]

You can't change who he is.. You can't climb into his head and change him..

I believe that is the premise we all have to start with..

My hubby has stuff about him I hate.. Want to hit him at times..

But I have to make the decision whether I want to stay or go.. That's my decision..
I can stand up in front of him and say.."I need you to hear me." and he can decide whether he wants to listen or not..

But if you are in guilt about any of this you may not be strong enough to stand up and tell him you need to be heard..


I have missed your posts Juscuz..

Jackie

[Juscuz]

Thank you Jackie for responding........What you say is true. At times I feel remarkably strong to stand up for what I need, then at times when I really need him to hear me, and he won't, I just drop it, or I will write a letter to get my points across, either way, it doesn't change things.

But I hear what you are saying loud and clear. I believe too that we all have decisions to make and they are sometimes heart wrenching ones that will do permanent damage and people do move forward and continue successful lives.

For some reason, I thought there were more people in my shoes and I know there are, but it doesn't appear so, I feel like the only one bumping heads with their spouses sometimes.

I have been busy Jackie - with life..........I too have missed this site and hope to peruse a bit more than pit stopping by

~Mahalo

[FatBirdy]

I too have been away from the site - sometimes I need to get away from anything adoption related.

Anyway, Juscuz, I PM'd you because we have such similar situations. I'm an adoptee and my birth mother's husband won't accept me either - bmom and I no longer talk. It's all very sad. I wanted to sign up for this thread in hopes that someone has some great advise for you!

Good luck.

[Jackiejdajda]

I believe some of us chose mates to match the wounded people we are after relinquishing.. Someone who suits us in our hiding and secret keeping.. Or compartmentalization of our emotions.

I think I got crazy with it in my marriage.. I used to think my husband did not want to hear me.. I would try to talk about my feelings around the relinquishment and I would get a message (I don't know if he was sending it) that he really did not want to know about it..
And I know that goes back to when I relinquished.. I knew that when I came out of that hospital it was best I not speak.. Not show.. emotions..

I was not emotionally stable when I met my husband.. I did not know how to show emotions.. I did not know how to be an equal person in the relationship.. I did not love myself enough to ask for that equality..
I was afraid I would be left if I asked for it.. and heck I sure could not go out on my own.. Look at the mess I made of it the last time..

I was afraid to ask for equality.. I was afraid to say that there are parts of me that need a friend.. Need someone to understand what I went through.. Need my mate to understand.. the person I consider my best friend..
I went to a lawyer.. We actually split up.. He was house hunting and I would not speak to him..I would not speak to him because he would not listen to me.. There was a total breaking apart..

Then we decided to talk.. Work it out..
Sit in a room in which each of us had a given time to speak and the other one had to listen (I learned this in therapy).
Now if we catch ourselves in a resentment we speak about it..

We can either learn to live with the non intimacy.. or we can fight for it..

FatBirdy.. so good to see you posting.. I am sorry contact has stopped.. I have missed your posts as well.. And Juscuz I do not envy you..

Jackie

[FatBirdy]

Jackie - thanks! Yes, it's rather sad that I am not in a relationship with bmom. She doesn't want to talk to me. She has gone from not being able to get enough of me to pretending that I don't exist. She used to tell me that in time her hubby would come around. I think she began to realize that he was not ever going come come around and their situation at home grew worse. It was then that bmom really started pulling away. When times really got tough she totally walked away from me. I am not sure why I am so disposable to her - but I am.

I wish that spouses could accept the situation. It is so sad. Especially when bmoms are reunited with adult children. Rarley do they move in and become a part of their daily lives. I for example and the same for Juscuz's bson - we live very far away.....so what's the big deal? I don't know if I will ever understand.

[Juscuz]

Jackie ~ At least your husband was willing to listen and work things through - actually *walk the walk* - I hope things are going well with you two now. I so envy those people that have spouses that actually listen to their feelings, who are not afraid to show them and to learn to sit and talk.

That has always been our problem though, it's existed way before my bson ever came to surface, we didn't know how to talk to each other, we've gone to counseling and it's worked some, then we resort back to the same-ol routine mostly because he comes from the *ol school days*, and I'm from the new school, equality. I almost walked away from the relationship on many occassions simply because my needs were not being met, I was doing it all for the house, and he .....well provided. I'm sure in his head he's is doing it all, and besides hurting the kids (the eldest mostly), I'm not exactly sure why I still stay here because I feel he's bringing me down with him, and I'm not even like that, I'm more the carefree and fun one, he's the opposite. But I knew when I got married - for better or worst, and it's taking its toll.

Fatbirdy - I'm sorry about your situation, and that it hasn't changed, when I get more time, I will email you later. Your bmom is truly influenced by her spouse, like me, and if I take time to analyse the situation I get furious that he's not supporting me and feel like I have to *hide* my feelings, when I talk to him about this he will say *Okay, then talk about your feelings, what is it you want to me to know that I don't already?* in that *I don't really want to hear it but since you feel you need to discuss it I will listen attitude*, so I don't I drop it, and seethe.

It's great to hear from you two, I missed the words of wisdom

[Jackiejdajda]

Sorry I haven't replied for a bit..

Juscuz wrote..I so envy those people that have spouses that actually listen to their feelings, who are not afraid to show them and to learn to sit and talk.

Thats how its supposed to be..
And that is what should have happened when we relinquished.. That's the healthy place where we all learn and grow..
That's how we know the universe is friendly..

We choose our situations.. I swear we do.. My husband.. when I first met him.. was a total drinker.. A hard drinker.. A person very difficult to live with.. and I was perfect for him..
I took care of his insanity..
I worried about him all the time.. He was the center of my world and my world was difficult..

I had to resolve all that... I could no longer live that way..But I had to forgive myself first.. That secret keeping (don't ever talk about the baby) at such a terrible traumatic time did a lot of damage to my feeling of 'self'. And I solved what went down in a very wrong way.. I thought I should not make any more trouble (did not ask for help or love).. I thought I should just 'get on with it'.

I should have had my feelings respected (I should have demanded that my feelings were respected.. Ya right )..

FatBirdy wrote..When times really got tough she totally walked away from me. I am not sure why I am so disposable to her - but I am.

I bet she walked away from herself.. Her wants her needs her desires..
She may have been disposable back then as well..
Learning how to deal with all this is terribly difficult..
She may change..

Jackie

[Juscuz]

I had expressed all I can to my husband, I will no longer let his feelings control what I feel or do. That's his problem, though I did try for the longest time to console HIM, it's not working. I can't change the past, nor who my bsons father was, or the fact that I even had a bson.......what is done is done. I can't undo them, but I can move forward.

Right now. I think of my bson whom I will be in reunion in only 15 days.......emotions have run amok.....he will be meeting his siblings for the first time soon. I can't even begin to express. I'm still walking on clouds.

[ingodshands]

"I had expressed all I can to my husband, I will no longer let his feelings control what I feel or do. That's his problem, though I did try for the longest time to console HIM, it's not working. I can't change the past, nor who my bsons father was, or the fact that I even had a bson.......what is done is done. I can't undo them, but I can move forward.

Right now. I think of my bson whom I will be in reunion in only 15 days.......emotions have run amok.....he will be meeting his siblings for the first time soon. I can't even begin to express. I'm still walking on clouds."

Good for you, in standing firm, with how you feel. If its something that you are passionate about, your husband will have to respect your feelings IMHO. And you are right, you cannot change the past, you are trying to deal with it, and move on to the future. You have tried to get support from your husband, you were turning to him for comfort.

Now its time to think of YOU, and take care of YOU. Good luck with the coming reunion. You follow what your heart tells you.

Best Wishes

Collette

[Rowan]

Juscuz

I was going to say that as long as your husband is not abusive about it all then its not so bad - but thinking more deeply about it this is slightly abusive in a way.

It shows there is a part of you that he does not accept, I assume you told him at the beginning etc and he should have accepted it was part of you and always would be. Just because there was an adoption - the subject was not closed.

At the same time the general social view of adoption is the misconception that when an adoption occurs then 'thats it over' full stop. So in one way we can forgive your husband for following popular views but in another you are his wife and he should realise you must have feelings that never go away and that there is a person out there who is part of you and it is naive of him to expect that it would never surface again.

I was married to a man who was downright abusive about it and I told him before we married so he knew the score and he called me and my son loads of names and made out he had done me a favour by taking me on etc - happily I left him 10 years ago after 6 years of abuse. I would not have wanted the possibility of my son coming back for contact and having to meet the 'sad excuse of a human being' that I foolishly married. I also realise your situation is certainly not as bad as that.

It is your husbands problem not yours, if he cannot deal with it as an adult who has always known and understand then that is 'sad ' but you have to do what you have to do and you will have to do it without his support.

Have you ever asked your husband what if the situation were reversed and a child of his turned up from a previous relationship and what he would expect?

Good luck to you, I think you have handled the situation well.

R

[ingodshands]

I totally agree with you.

I think her husband is being totally selfish. He doesnt like the idea that she had a son years ago, or the fact that they will be in reunion soon, for his own selfish reasons. Hence, refusal to "listen" when she needs support. Easier for him to "pretend" none of this is happening, and try to forget, than to face it. Maybe he is jealous? I dont know.

But as you said, Juscuz has been totally honest with him about the adoption and everything. He should accept her for who she is, and part of who she is, is her bson IMO. Thats what loving a spouse is all about isnt it?

And a very good question you put at the end of your post....if the situation were reversed, I wonder if he has even tried to put himself in his wife's position, I think not.

Gosh, it makes me so angry sometimes, when a member of the family tries so hard to "sweep it all under the carpet" because it does not fit in with their perfect ideas, perfect life.

Sorry if the thought of us birthdaughters/birthsons appearing, or wanting to be a part of our family, our history, is so wrong, so destructive, so selfish of us.

I really respect Juscuz for being so strong, and continuing to do what is right for her, and her bson.

[ingodshands]

"Sorry if the thought of us birthdaughters/birthsons appearing, or wanting to be a part of our family, our history, is so wrong, so destructive, so selfish of us."

That was mostly aimed at my situation, this kind of reaction that Juscuz's husband is giving, just tends to rub salt in my wounds/ my situation. Guess, I was angry, and thinking out loud, not meaning to offend anyone.

[Juscuz]

being here with people who understand is so enriching......thank you both.

Yes Rowan, my husband and I been together 23 years, 24 soon, so he knows, always has, I believe you are right in the fact that he knew but it was something that he probably wouldn't dream of that would come to light.

Where I on the other hand, I have always waited for this day. I'm elated to say the least. I made arrangements to fly over to the other island to meet my bson. He has all kinds of family there (my brothers, my mom and dad and my sister) that all can't wait to meet him. They are his family. Blood.

I gave my kids the option of going with me. My 2 youngest, I knew they wanted to go, that was not even a question, my eldest is taking after their dad, but I also offered him the same, I don't think he'd act up in front the family, my dad, would give him a piece of his mind for sure. He probably needs that.

My husband though wasn't told, until last night and he said *great, I'm glad youre meeting*, and I explained why he wasn't coming here, and he couldn't answer. I didn't want my son to be in the presence of someone who would show their distance. It wasn't his fault but he would be the scapegaot. I don't need him to feel that, he already knows my husbands stance.

So I decided, that whether or not my husband likes it, I'm going, it's his problem, and one I've dealt with over 1 year hoping he'd come to terms with my bson back in our life. He's 24, not like he needs us, he just wants to know his family.

My eldest is deciding, but will msot likely come out of curiousity. I get support from my family who accept me and my life, and this forum where I can express myself freely to those that have been there.

Mahalo!

[Juscuz]

Ingodshands; I can truly understand your feelings. I so wish it were the other way and that my husband would just let it be and accept him lovingly. I would do that for him, for that I have no doubt., but that's me. It's not the childs fault, and that *child* is now an adult just wanting to know his family.

Youre right in that my husband is selfish and this is for his needs, he has been jealous in the past - bad kind. and has known how to *hide* them, until this. I think it's his fear of *sharing* me, the *mom* to his kids and now he has to open up and share me to another that are not his child., and that possibly, I will come to love that child like his own? I dunno. But I've never stopped loving my bson, and he knows that. My husband will never know what was in my heart all these years. He will never understand, and I don't expect him to, he's not the mom.

But I do expect him to support me, and be there for me, and he can't and wont'. So I do it on my own with support from others, just that in itself might shake him., who knows, but I can't wait around to see.

Thanks for your input.