[79nic]

Sorry for the caps in the title but I DO feel like yelling.

I am so pissed off right now at the utter lack of respect for parental rights that mothers who consider adoption are given.

This has been a REALLY bad couple of weeks and this is just the final straw. I think I am in danger of becoming anti-adoption. Someone reign me in.. I am just fuming.

OMG I am sorry I just had to vent.

[Leigh131313]

((79nic))

You sound like you are really having a crappy day....I am an adoptive mother....we had two failed matches prior to our son coming home...Both of those failed matches were with women who were absolutely POSITIVE that they wanted an adoption plan...when they decided to parent, I had NO ill feelings towards them...I knew that they would be GREAT parents, because i know how much thought they put into this little persons future. They had put WAY more thought into their child than most parents these days...I have nothing but love for them and their children.....Just because one considers an adoption plan, does not make it the right decision for them.

I am so sorry that you are having a bad day....hope things are better tomorrow
Leigh

[79nic]

Leigh,

Thank you so much. Coming from you as an amom makes the hugs even more touching.

I am really saddened by this whole incident. I have always done my best to be supportive of aparents and p-aparents.. but it feels lately like bparents are not given that same respect by some.

Sorry, just venting....

I had a visit with my bdaughter last week and it took a toll. I miss her and love her and honestly wonder if I should have placed. That of course is neither here nor there, since it's done, period. And even if I could have her back, I wouldn't dream of removing her from her happy, stable, respect-filled home at three years old.

But everything just hurts lately, and this lack of respect for a mother's right to decide what's best just tops it off.

We're either villains or heros... there's very little in-between. Funny thing is, no matter what we do, we are both, depending on who you talk to.

I've heard someone say recently that women who place their children are not good mothers, because they are able to hand their children over to someone else. (Villains.)

But then of course if we decide to parent, we're terrible for getting an afamily's hopes up, or for not recognizing how much "better" the afamily is able to parent than us. (Villains.)

Meanwhile...

When we do place, we are often referred to as "saints" or "angels." (Heros.)

Or if we parent, we're modern women, amazing people, for single parenting. (Heros.)

Where is the equilibrium? At one point is an unwed mother (birthmother or regular mother) allowed to simply be human? When are we allowed to hurt, to grieve... to make decisions or act without being so heavily judged?

I am tired... sorry. Long rant.

(Rubbing my eyes.)

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hmmm..... Trying to think of something to say to change your mind.

I think that the loudness of the hurtful people out weighs the number of people who are actually decent. It is the hurtful ones that we remember and who get the most attention. All we can do is keep standing up for ourselves.... and try to warn others about what to look for should adoption really be their choice. Adoption is sad in general. But it gets even more sad when we see mothers walking into situations where WE can see the warning signs loud and clear.

I regret my adoption plan. But dangit her parents are awesome...and I suppose that is something.

[79nic]

I regret my adoption plan. But dangit her parents are awesome...and I suppose that is something.

That is what I keep telling myself too, Christine. At least that part is good....

[numbr1dbcksfan]

We're either villains or heros... there's very little in-between. Funny thing is, no matter what we do, we are both, depending on who you talk to.

I think that Adoptive parents have this same problem. Only I think they are Villified a lot. I think there is a lot of talk about stories that give adoptive parents a 'bad rap' as have been mentioned here many times. It is hard to not take to heart the situations when we hear that adoptive parents hate that bad rap and then support something that gives them that bad rap. I saw the term 'flip-flop' (I have NO IDEA where I have heard THAT before... ) and I thought that it also applied to a double standard. But then I went ahead and reviewed and REALLY the people who are upset about the bad rap that they are given were not the ones supporting the situation. There is a difference between supporting a person-- and supporting their actions (IMHO). But we are all fired up--and it is SO EASY to generalize that. But it isnt general, it is specific.

I personally want to tell the adoptive parents who are not a part of the 'double standard' group that I personally can SEE that you are not there. And you STILL have my respect -- for whatever that is worth.

Nicole...in your preferences there is a thing called an 'ignore list' it saves a lot of heartache to USE IT! You can still cheat...and it is tempting...i do sometimes.... but mostly it makes me laugh to not read those people's posts and then to see the resonses and know that they are starting something that I dont HAVE to be sucked in to!

((HUGS))

[spaypets]

((Nic))

FWIW, I've steered clear of the latest arguments because I just don't have the energy. And it's sad when an adoption falls apart because it means someone's dreams are dashed. That doesn't mean parents considering adoption don't have the right to change their minds--of course they do!

I've also kept my mouth shut because I don't want to inadvertently hurt the wonderful bparents who post here. I know a lot of you are having a tough time right now (I still think it's the lack of light for those of us in the North) and since I haven't walked in your shoes, I'm at a loss as to what to say.

It is the saddest part of adoption that my greatest joy came out of someone else's pain and reading about the ongoing difficulties so many of you are having breaks my heart. I am glad that I didn't have to hope that a specific woman would decide that she couldn't be a mother before I became one. For me, my dd's bmother made that decision long before I entered the picture.

Please don't leave. We need all of you to keep our feet planted on the ground.

[79nic]

Christine,

I totally agree, there are great aparents out there who don't stereotype bparents.

And yes, it goes both ways.... aparents are also often referred to as saints by some, and then villified as "baby stealers" (OMG, so glad birthparents at least don't have that label to deal with) by others.

You know, I realize all the fiery emotions were about one particular situation. And for all I know, that mother might be unfit. But having read the posts breaking down the timeline of how things happened... it's hard to tell.

Maybe this is really about birthfathers' rights???? Maybe once birthfathers are are not simply pushed to the side and encouraged to go along with whatever the bmom decides, things'll get better?

This is all getting muddled in my head.

Spaypets,

There is so much in my heart I'd like to say to you. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever respect an aparent who deliberately chose a closed adoption... but you have my utmost, highest respect. You have taught me a lot about not judging people who choose closed adoptions. And you have great wisdom about so many things... adoption, politics, religion, and just generally being a decent human being. Thank you for your words, they mean a lot.

[79nic]

Oh and Christine... yeah, maybe it's time to look into that ignore feature, LOL.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I think most are aware of my rough week with how birthparents are treated, rather, mistreated simply because they can be... sigh. You don't know how much I thought last week, "I'm just going to have to be anti-adoption. They're the only ones who don't tell me I'm worthless." But I also don't enjoy the blatant negativity that comes with that side of it either. Maybe there is no place for me. Who knows.

But do know that people here do understand what you are saying. I am sick and tired of reading, "The Birthmother is changing her mind! PRAY SHE DOESN'T TAKE OUR BABY. SHE SIMPLY CANNOT PARENT! I mean, she WANTED to place!" Why don't we just pray that the situation is handled quick and easily, no matter the parents, for the sake of the child? Why can't we ask for emotional strength for all sides to accept whatever the outcome? I certainly will not pray that a Mother who can still parent her biological child will be denied that blessing. That doesn't even SOUND like a prayer. "Lord, please deny this woman the right to her child." Whatever. People can be so blinded by their own views that they don't realize if a woman still has the right to change her mind, then she has that right.

Today, I hate people. Grr.

*BIG HUGS TO NICOLE*

[79nic]

Jenna,

You have hit the nail on the head. It should be about prayers that the right outcome is achieved... not that the outcome we as flawed humans, with limited insight, WANT.

Just posted to your birthday visit thread. Spaypets and I want upcoming wedding details!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Leigh131313]

Could one of you please answer a question for me.... Do you feel defined by the choice you made? What I mean is....do you feel that the title Birthmother supersedes (sp?) anything else that you have or will accomplish? I tend to get that feeling...but since this is an adoption forum, it does tend to be the topic...I'm curious , in your day to day existance is this the way you feel?

I dont mean this disrespectfully, I am honestly wondering. I would LOVE to sit down with my sons birthmother and really TALK about her feelings, if things are as she had hoped, if she has regrets and what those are....I desperately hope that her decision to make an adoption plan is not her defining characteristic, there is so so SO much more to her...and so much she is yet to do in this world. I just dont think we are ready to have that talk (she is 15) yet...i hope that someday we will.

I'm sorry to throw this onto your thread....when i read your posts, i can FEEL the pain in your words, they strike up alot of questions for me.

I also have another question for you...at what point did you start feeling that you wanted your child back? Did this happen right away? Did things in your life change, and therefor make you regret it? Did you ALWAYS feel it was a bad idea?

If these questions are too hard to answer, please ignore them. I do NOT mean to cause any more pain to you.....I am new at the adoptive mommy role, and I am also a new member of a very different extended family now....i care about them, and I think that knowing how they may be feeling, may help guide me through our relationship. I desperately need to do this right, for both myself and my son.
Leigh

[Leigh131313]

wow...there are a whole bunch of new threads since i started writing this...lol, i need to type faster.
Leigh

[79nic]

Hi Leigh,

Your questions are fine. This is the perfect thread for them, since what has me steaming is stereotyping of birthmothers... and your questions are a way for us to get past stereotypes to truth.

When did I start wanting Marie back?

Well, I have always missed her, of course. In that sense, I've wanted her back from day one.

But this month is the first month I've ever admitted to myself that if I could go back and remake the decision, I might not place. Prior to this I've always said I wouldn't undo it.

What changed my attitude is I realized a huge reason why I placed was that I internalized my parents' belief that I was not ready to be a mother.

So, I regret that I used someone else's judgment of me as a reason for placing.

HOWEVER... the other huge reason I placed was to give Matt (my dh) and me a good firm start to our relationship. He's not M's bio father. I was one month pregnant when we started dating. He said all along it was my decision to place or parent. And he proposed without knowing what I'd pick. So while I believe he would have stuck by me through parenting, I felt it was better for us as a couple to start marriage off without kids.

I don't regret that reason for placing. That was my own, thought-out reasoning, and I stand by it.

Now... wanting her back.... yes, there is this part of me that wishes I hadn't listened to my parents, that I had chosen to parent, and just accepted the risk (a rockier start to Matt's and my marriage).

But I would never, ever try to get Marie back now (even if it were possible, legally). She's three and a half, loves her parents, is growing up happy... me wanting her back would not be an appropriate reason to disrupt at this point.

Long answer, sorry.

As for your other question:

Do I feel like being a birthmother supercedes everything else I am?

You know, it's not healthy, and it's my own fault, but... much of the time, yes.

I dont' feel that way with my hubby, though. So that is definitely something.

And it's probably my own fault... Even before getting pregnant with M I had stopped painting and drawing. Now, since leaving school, I barely read any great literature. I still write from time to time, but..haha...it's usually adoption-related.

Guess I need to pick back up on some of my other interests, huh?

The ironic thing is I had just decided to stay away from the forums for a while to remind myself I'm not just a birthmother... and then this whole thing happened, and the birthmother inside me just got steamed that a) Brandy was being attacked and b) the recurring theme of birthparents who change their minds are unfit came up.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I personally did not want to place in the first place. I felt backed against the wall by the father (not that he wanted to place...he wanted to terrorize me) I then removed myself from the equation. I dont interperate that as 'selfless' and thinking about my child...I find that as retreateing to a safe place. Once that safe place was no longer within-- then reality hit. Of course I was a mess before-during-and-after.... So when that regret happened-- I dont know. I know I was a mess as soon as it happened. I know I was a mess while being stalked. I certainly was a mess during delivery. I was panicked when she wouldnt stop crying at the hospital. (And yes...I was already a parent). I was mentally 'unstable' at that time. But dont go there to the unfit place...I was not unfit I was scared. I was in denial. Pretending that I was not a part of the situation....I took solace in 'this is not my child'.
Idiot. Dumb. A mess. Without my daughter.


Does it define me? Some days yes... some days no.

In no way do I have ill will toward her adoptive parents. I didnt even 'meet' them until after I gave birth(was matched...but had not 'met'). It is not their fault.