[SchmennaLeigh]

I need advice from birthparents about how to get back on track. Recent events and inane comments have left me broken and basically destroyed. To the point that I have removed all pictures of Munchkin from my house and told J and D that I need some time and space. They are respecting that... but what do I do with time and space?

How do I love myself again? How do I accept who I am? I can't handle anything adoption related anymore. I hate having the title of birthmother SO BADLY that it makes me want to scream. I hate who I am. Not what I've done, which would be guilt, but WHO I AM, which is SHAME.

I need someone to hold me today... and I'm feeling so desperately alone.

[Jackiejdajda]

Some thoughts from my journey..

Shame.. I read in a book that when you feel shame you can do something about it.. When you ARE shame you can do nothing.. There is no sorting it.. there is just being it..

And when we are shame we do not share our feelings with others. How can we. There is nothing to say.

But when we feel it.. We can sort it.. We can ask for others to help us like you are doing now.. Asking for input..

How do I love myself again?

I think that is work at hand...Its an act of loving the self..
Investing in the self.. Taking time to go to a group or go for therapy or write endless letters on the internet.. Sorting what needs to be sorted rather than pushing it back and going into the depression.
Facing that darn wall.. Feeling all is lost.
I slip into that place..

Feeling that all my decision are and or were wrong ones.. Feeling the decision to give my son up was a wrong decision. (staying stuck by saying I was forced and I do not forgive) My thoughts..
My negativity..

I can not go back and change it.. I can not go back and get him back.
I can not change the way this is done.. I can not change the world I am in.. The world I was in the sixties..
I am just part of it..

I just wrote in the healing wall place..
"Stand in the flow of life and pay attention".
That's all we can do..
Pay attention to the moment.. Stay connected to the moment and forget (let go of) the regrets.. and heck.. the resentments..
In another thread recently a birthmom pulled me back into my resentments.. My anger with my parents and all of the sudden I was there again.. Anger.. Feeling the anger..
I have to let it go.. I say I have forgiven my parents and I have.. but boy oh boy trigger me and I am right there.

And the act of love is me telling me.. Stop it.. Just stop it..

You gave that baby life.. You gave that baby a life..
And I weep with you that you can not be a day to day part of it.. I grieve with you.. I grieve with you in your sadness..

I swear you will come out the other side of this..
I swear that because you keep reaching out.. and you do not settle into the anger or depression that keeps us stuck.. Keeps us running in place..

Jackie

[SchmennaLeigh]

I just don't see a light at the end of this tunnel anymore. I did once. But my vision is blurred or the tunnel got longer or my car broke down or something. If we had groups in SE Ohio, I would go to one. If there was a therapist who had any idea of anything adoption related, I would go. (Having gone to two and having the last one tell me that I just "need to get over it" didn't help. There are only three other therapists in my area on my insurance...grr...and none have adoption experience.) I'm considering going to my doctor about anti-depressants... though, not having been on them for quite some time, I don't know if my primary care physician can do anything for me or if I have to find a psychiatrist. I hate medication. I hate the person it makes me. But I hate who I am right now.

I all ready miss D with all of my heart but I can't risk hurting them with my complete downspiral that I am in right now.

[RiverGal]

Sometime back, dl posted an article that I found really helpful. Nobody WANTS to be miserable, but many are. There is help. The book is well worth the money...

When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne Katherine

Being miserable can become addictive
It's rare to find a person who doesn't want happiness. And yet, we may be unaware that we're maintaining patterns in life that keep us miserable.

In her book, "When Misery is Company," (Hazelden), psychotherapist Anne Katherine suggests that misery can be an addiction. But it's different from an addiction to alcohol, drugs or food because in misery addiction, "the manner of living" is the problem, according to Katherine.

Misery addicts are addicted to a system of living - including behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, actions and lack of them - that enables them to survive from day to day.

This crutch can include self-sabotage. We find the negative in a positive situation. We are indecisive or ambivalent. We feel incompetent or unworthy. We refuse to deal with our own behaviors from the past. We always have an excuse. And when others try to help us, we alienate them. We might be attracted to unavailable people.

These patterns sometimes are rooted in childhood experiences, when parents or caregivers acted in ways that left a profound imprint on us. A mom or dad may have withheld love or affection, abandoned a family, inflicted verbal and physical abuse, or failed to protect us. Sometimes, a loving parent may have died.

Sometimes these patterns are a result of poor choices we made when a young adult. Again, we always have an excuse. It wasn't really the result of our own choice, someone else "forced us". We blame our parents and alienate them ~ and then continue our self-destructive pattern by blaming them for the alienation.

It's crucial to understand these beginnings to deal with and overcome misery addiction.

Katherine suggests borrowing principles from the 12-step program and applying them to misery addiction. This can include being part of a recovery community and abstaining from the habits, behaviors, thoughts and actions that keep you trapped in the box.

Some personal questions to ponder to start to recover:

If something feels scary - a friend's reaction or a new task - what do I do?

In what ways do I protect myself from feeling afraid?

What do I do to keep from feeling uncomfortable?

How do I handle tough personal situations?

Were one or both of my parents or parental figures in my life mean, abusive, critical or harsh toward me?

What did I do to cope?

Am I being absolutely honest by accepting responsibility for my own choices that led to unpleasant consequences? Or, do I find an excuse by blaming others for the results of my own behavior?

Do I hide my feelings of inadequacy by fabricating my own importance in certain situations such as my job or my role in a group?

What are 10 experiences that I would like to have in my life?

What steps am I pursuing to have these experiences?

What slows me down or stops me from having these experiences?

If I could get help, would it be possible to have these experiences?

What steps can I take to get that help?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Interesting.

Yet, I have taken responsibility for my choices, mistakes, and consequences. I never once blamed any of the adoption hoopla on anyone but myself. It was all my fault, no one else's. I've always been a big proponent of taking responsibility for what you've done.

And the thing is, I will function at normal for quite some time. I haven't had a seriously sad pitfall like this for probably four months at this point. In that time I started working at my dream job, was in my best friend's wedding, have all but walked down the aisle of my own, and a slew of other minor to major accomplishments. But something will happen, a trigger that I am not aware of as of yet, and I will be hit by a truck that I didn't see coming. A truck that I didn't know existed.

The book sounds interesting yet not really "on" for what keeps happening to me. I do not wallow. I accept my blame. I HATE when I feel miserable and IMMEDIATELY try to do something about it. I definitely do not have a pattern of poor choices, minus some hideous clothing mistakes. If anything, my selection of choices has gotten better in the past year to the point where I really don't doubt when I'm making a decision. I've become much more decisive because of such. Yet, I get so sad like this. So, I don't know. I just don't make sense. I'm a completely functiona and successful human being until, WHAM!, I'm not anymore. Weird.

*shrugs* I wish Josh would come home.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

((SchmennaLeigh))

I am feeling that same desperation right now. How is it possible that in a city as big as the one that I live in... there could be no support groups for this????? WHY!!?? I have said this before. I had a pity party back in May. So I guess it is the same type of cylce. Everything is ok.... then bam-- huge brick wall and I feel like I am desperately clinging to something. But I truly feel like there really isnt anything to cling to.

I, too, accept the blame. I know that I brought this on myself. My choices put me here. But all that does is tell me to grin and bear it. Sometimes the grin part is easy but the bear it part is awful.


SchmennaLeigh,
I have always done one of two things. Come here and talk about it. Or leave here and wait until I am feeling better. Usually over the holidays, I choose to leave. It gets rough in here. The chatroom is usually a lot more supportive than the board (hope that doesnt offend anyone here....) you might try that. I went to support group when I lived in Texas... that helped a lot. But Im not sure that I would be able to talk to someone one on one. And like you said....how do you find a counselor who has adoption experience?? If you find something that helps, honey, please pass it on. I was talking about it to some great birthmoms in the chat night before last. I think just talking to people who understand can help. At least it gives you the feeling that you arent alone. Feelings like this are at least semi-normal. (((HUG))) hang in there. That is the same advice that I give myself. Hang in there and go one day at a time.



Christine

[numbr1dbcksfan]

My thread from May-- absorb some support. ((HUG))

Wallowing in selfpity. Anyone want to join?

[mtlover]

I am I think at the end of feeling what you are going through right now. I am in recent reunion with my daughter after 17 years. The reunion was wonderful and I have been in contact with her and her family since.

After meeting her though, I experienced this incredible, debilitating, all consuming grief. I cried endlessly, and I felt shame, I felt such a low. I would be doing something like walking through the grocery store seemingly fine and suddenly a trigger. I would feel the pain so immensely that I would have to grab on to a shelf and the tears would be streaming down my face.

I couldn't figure it out. My daughter has a great life. She is beautiful, loved, confident, and brilliant. Everything I wanted for her. She knows the reasons behind the relinquishment and has expressed that she is happy with her life and happy to now have me in her life too.

I am a successful, healthy and optimistic person. I also take full ownership of my decision and don't blame the adoption industry for my choice. I did a tremendous amount of research and reading on the subject of adoption and through my reading, the light bulb moment. Please know this is only my experience... It may not apply to you in any way.

I was feeling what I was feeling because I chose the most completely unnatural option for the situation that I created for myself. I gave my baby to a stranger to raise because I didn't think I could. By my choice I ripped the natural bond that was created while my baby was growing under my heart. My body prepared me to be her Mom and I turned my back on that because I thought it was best for her. I didn't think I deserved her and I ripped apart the most natural, beautiful bond that is ever created between a mother and a child and it cannot be duplicated. It doesn't matter the reasons, it doesn't matter how much sense they make, how justified your decision. Of course I didn't know the consequences of my decision, what I was really doing, because I focused on the fact that by my decision, she would have a life I could not have provided at the time. I had to look at the reality of what I did. The reality of what actually takes place in a relinquishment in addition to all the other reasons you were aware of at the time. Only then, when I really looked in the mirror and realized the full consequences of my actions, the ones most won't or can't talk about, along with the ones everyone advertises. Only then could I begin to heal. And that is where I find myself today, at the end of being shame and the beginning of healing as a clearer, stronger and much wiser woman and Mother.

Again, this is my own experience and it may not apply to you at all. I just wanted to share.

My heart hurts for you today. You will make it through this time. You will want contact again. You will be proud and shed the shame you are or feel today. You are a beautiful woman and Mother.

[mtlover]

Recent events and inane comments have left me broken and basically destroyed.

Can you expound on this sentence. What happened? What were the events and comments? Please if you are willing to share.
More people feel this way than actually post here. We need to talk about these issues.

Kim

[numbr1dbcksfan]

mt--

Your post is kind of awesome. But HOW did you do this??

I had to look at the reality of what I did. The reality of what actually takes place in a relinquishment in addition to all the other reasons you were aware of at the time. Only then, when I really looked in the mirror and realized the full consequences of my actions, the ones most won't or can't talk about, along with the ones everyone advertises. Only then could I begin to heal.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Recent events and inane comments have left me broken and basically destroyed.

My personal connection to this statement:

It was recently brought to my attention that another web group was saying a lot of untrue things. I went there to defend myself and they basically opened the door into a 'better aquatance with reality". It was brutal. And basically, I cant help but think that they may be right.

It all goes back to this(you hit it right on):

was feeling what I was feeling because I chose the most completely unnatural option for the situation that I created for myself. I gave my baby to a stranger to raise because I didn't think I could. By my choice I ripped the natural bond that was created while my baby was growing under my heart.

How do you come to terms with this?? It was brought to my attention that even if I chalk it up to choice and she has a great life... she will always have issues from me giving her away. It makes me ill to think about. Did I do that to her???? Condemn her to a life of personal internal he**?? Im pretty disgusted with myself right now.

[BrandyHagz]

Christine,

Why do you think she will always have issues? Because a few people say so? I’ve never had issues with being adopted…although I have had issues with the reunion/re-acquaintance…but that had nothing to do with being adopted.

I think you need to form your own opinions…rather than listen to anyone else, including those who have had good experiences.

Naturally, adoption is painful…but you don’t need to spend the rest of your life feeling guilty simply because a few people tell you that you should.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Its not that I think that she will. It is that I assumed because i have a semi-opened adoption... because it isnt the dark ages... etc... that she WOULDNT. I am disgusted with myself. She may not have issues. You are right. But she might. And if she does... then I did that to her. And I have no way of knowing. I dont feel guilty because someone told me to. I feel guilty because someone held a mirror up and brought to my attention that I made a selfish choice without taking anyone's feelings into consideration. Including my own. I CAN LIVE with what I did to myself. It is just hard to live with knowing what I might have done to her.

[mtlover]

numbr1dbcksfan

I just allowed myself to go there. Believe me it wasn't pretty, by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I would advise that most people go there with a professional.

By going there, I mean to that place where you see the side of yourself and your decisions you don't want to face. The good side is that you get to the (forgive the analogy) puss of the infection, the bad side is that you have to have a way to come back. I hope that makes sense. It sounds so dark and I am not in anyway a professional it this area but I am a "professional" when it comes to me and what works for me.

I guess what I am trying to say is... I went below the surface, to the place where the reality is... good and bad. Yes you may not be ready to parent and you give your child the opportunity to experience the beauty and gifts of the parents that are. You don't have money or a place to live or even a car because after all you are only 17, so you make a decision for you child to not live in that poverty. But then no one will ever know your child the way you would have, no one will ever bond with your child the way your body and your child bonded. Your decision to give them parents and a better life with more opportunities deprived them from knowing the best part of themselves. Deprived them from an indescribable natural attachment that cannot be duplicated.

Your decision to relinquish gave yourself and opportunity to grow up and improve yourself. Your decision denied you the right to parent your child and only catch a glimps of the wonderment of motherhood.

For me not acknowledging the full reality of my decision gave it power. That is what allowed the triggers, the lack of acknowledging the bad as well as the good. In my opinion... and it is only my opinion I couldn't heal or grow and get to the other side if I didn't acknowledge the whole of my decision.

I only share this information as my experience and I don't presume to know what works for others. I hope that it is helpful or at the very least something to ponder.

I have noticed that most people pick a side in adoption, either they agree and think it is good and support it or they think it is bad and advocate against it. I have found in my own search for my answers that it is really both good and bad.

Only my love for all Mothers!!!!

[BrandyHagz]

Christine,

I tried to PM you but your box is full