[numbr1dbcksfan]

It sounds so dark

It is. And how do you find the end of that? Does the light pour in at times? Yes. But then the further you get down the tunnel it doesnt seem to have any in sight.


Im sorry Brandy. I dont know why I keep those things anyway-- I emptied it.

[mtlover]

Its not that I think that she will. It is that I assumed because i have a semi-opened adoption... because it isnt the dark ages... etc... that she WOULDNT. I am disgusted with myself. She may not have issues. You are right. But she might. And if she does... then I did that to her. And I have no way of knowing. I dont feel guilty because someone told me to. I feel guilty because someone held a mirror up and brought to my attention that I made a selfish choice without taking anyone's feelings into consideration. Including my own. I CAN LIVE with what I did to myself. It is just hard to live with knowing what I might have done to her.

Ok slow down... just take a breath. So here is where the healing comes in because I felt what you are feeling and here is what I did... all on my own, no approval from professionals. I feel that I have to disclose that.

First my daughter is 17, again, happy, healthy, beautiful, brilliant and confident. I only met her 3 months ago and we talk on the phone. Her AMom is a beautiful and wonderful Mom.

After my realization and grief of what I had uncovered about myself and my decision is that I then took all of that new found information and the feelings that came with it and I wrote, I wrote until my fingers were cramped and my head was spinning. I wrote until nothing made sense anymore because at that point I knew that I was highly emotional, and consumed with my realization. If I had acted on it in anyway, regardless of what my actions were, it would have been the wrong thing so I wrote. I cried, I looked in the mirror and hated and loved what I saw and then I wrote some more. I wrote until I woke up one recent day and was able with a clear, unemotional, unconsumed mind and say... ok here I am... I am still here. My daughter is in my life and I am her Mom too. I now have an opportunity here and I am going to make the best of it because now I know better and I learned that when you know better you do better. (Now this is the right of passage into woman and motherhood. The acknowledgement of the whole of your decisions and the fact that you are still here... and now what you do will determine your ability to walk with your head high in your imperfect perfection with peace and grace. Here is what will determine your ability to be happy despite all you have experienced.)

So first I apologized to my daughter. With a clear head and a right heart... I took ownership. I did not make excuses or give her reasons. I told her I was sorry for giving her up for adoption, that I was sorry I did not parent her. I told her I was sorry for not being there for her. That even with all the reasons that I has shared with her previously, I am sorry. I acknowledged her Mother and how wonderful she is and that I respect and honor her and their relationship. I told her that there would never be a day that I would not be here for her going forward and I opened the door for honest communication. Now my daughter is 17... it is all ok for her. It was for me too until I was 36. I acknowledge that she may not ever have any issues from my decision and I also acknowledge that she might. I did what I could do and now I am here, truly beginning to feel the healing because I acknowledged the wholeness of my actions and decisions. I looked it directly in the eye for what it was; I didn't run or cover it with reasons... I stood toe to toe with the good and the bad and accepted all of it. I am still here, I am now at peace, I own every last bit of it and move forward with grace.

I now created for my daughter a safe place if she has issues, which is what I could do. If she has no issues from it then I have still cleaned my closet if you will. It is a healing for both of you. As a woman, after you allow yourself to feel the pain, and acknowledge all of it, then I had to rise above it and create what I wanted for her and me because now that I know and I have acknowledged it... I am empowered.

Again, my own experience... and I have rambled. It may not apply. I acknowledge that, but it got me here and I am compelled to share.

(((((((((((((((Biggest HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[mtlover]

I wrote "It sounds dark..."

And you wrote "It is. And how do you find the end of that? Does the light pour in at times? Yes. But then the further you get down the tunnel it doesnt seem to have any in sight."

Again, here is what worked and continues to work for me. My spirituality was the light that shone through in my darkness. Days when I was just sick... I relied on my higher power (for me it is GOD) for others it may be something else. If the tunnel became so dark that I couldn't see light I told my Partner. I relied on her because I can trust her and we would pray. I prayed for Mercy on more than one occassion. It was not easy by any stretch; quite frankly it was ugly at times. But well worth it because the other side is full of possiblities and more light than I could have ever asked for.


The other thing that worked for me was that I did not quit living. I still went to work... though took a day off here or there when things got really tough. I stayed in the world and did not shut myself out from regular office conversations and daily life. That kept it balanced for me. I slowed down but I did not shut down.

I also allowed myself to really feel. Now please know that I have a very safe home life. It is a place where I really can feel ok about doing what I need to do to heal and that was key for me. I also had the time to do it... I planned it that way. My evenings were free, my weekends free.

You are a beautiful woman. You made a phenomenal decision and you gave your child a wonderful opportunity. Remember that. Be good to yourself... I mean be really good to yourself. Be gentle and kind. And a good talk with a really great friend or a night out with good food, company and great wine never hurts either.

Love and only the best to you!!!!!!!!!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

mt- I think I want to print out these posts.

What did you do when your daughter was younger?? Before you could talk to her??

[mtlover]

I wrote... Did some journaling

Just to give you background...

Her Aparents and I met after I chose them from some letters they wrote. I handed her to her AMom. We had a semi-open adoption. Her AMom sent me pictures and a letter at 6 mos and then every year after that. I was able to send gifts and a letter; I did for her birthday and Christmas every year. All of this was through the agency.

I didn't get the full picture of what my decision actually meant until I met her again. I was never a part of the forum before that; I only did research and found this site right before we met. When I did grieve I wrote her letters that I never sent her, I wrote in a journal, but really I mostly lived with my head in the sand about it while she was growing up. Probably because it would have been too painful for me to acknowledge it and I couldn't handle it... I think when it comes to you then you are ready for it.

I don't know how old your child is... but I can tell you that you can write your butt off. Feel it and write it until you can't anymore. Then you may need to be away from it for a while and then write some more.

The conversations I have with my daughter are about her boyfriend and school and what are happening in her world. I don't burden her with all that I am feeling or felt or doing. I created a journal for her and I am writing in that. I will give it to her someday when I am old and gray or if a time comes when it is appropriate. But when I became clear for myself on my actions, during a conversation I told her that I wanted to tell her something that I wish I could say face to face but it was too important to wait. That is when I told her I was sorry (the whole thing I wrote before). She said it was ok and she didn't want me to be sorry. I told her that I didn't want her to make it ok for me... that I just wanted for her to hear me say that I am sorry. I told her I am happy, and I am ok and all the reasons I told her about her adoption taking place are real and true and that despite all of that I am sorry. She said that she is glad I am here for her now. I told her I am glad too and then we went back on to boyfriend and weekends snowboarding and the good stuff.

My sense is that while she might not have thought I need to apologize, I got the impression it was good for her to hear and that it won't be revisited again unless she brings it up.

Writing is my life, my saving grace and someday, when she has children of her own, and knows that Mother love, she will have the journal that I wrote to her, to know that she was that loved too. She will know that being a Mother is hard and full of imperfections and mistakes and the best love and most rewarding relationship there is and that even the worst of mistakes as a Mother are forgivable.

Right now I plan on seeing her graduate and being as much a part of her life and she grants me to be. I can't wait to see her graduate from HS. I hope to see her graduate from college and maybe even be a part of helping her move into her dorm or apt. I hope to share with her her life’s events. I hope to see her Marry and to share with her Mom in the joys of being a grandparent someday (far far off... Ha ha). That is what I hope for.

But now I am ready if she has anger, questions, or issues through life... I am ready because I own it and I will be here to work with her through it if she needs.

[michellemartin]

I have noticed that since my last visit I've been a bit "clingey" to Kara's parents. I dont know why I do this... I think when I see her and them I realize I dont think about her everyday. I think I'm supposed to think about her everyday, but I dont. I totally admit to thinking about adoption every single day, but often times it is about those of us here on the forum, not the child I placed. I feel like a terrible person for not thinking about her everyday. I think maybe freeing ourselves from what we think we're supposed to be feeling is what we are really looking for when we pull away (which is where I'm at now because I've been clingey for like two weeks,,,)

It's okay to be sad, depressed, angry, and happy at the same time. It's okay to not think of her everyday, yet it is okay to think of her everyday also.

I hope you still go to the bday party. It might be hard to go, but it may be harder later knowing you had the chance to go and didnt take it. Please reassure me you're going!

[SchmennaLeigh]

I had a long discussion with The Boy today about things. He tried to boost my spirits. And it really did help to see how enlightened he is about adoption because of our situation. It's not as if Ariana is his daughter, but he fully understands (to the best of his ability) what I have felt and how I feel about my daughter.

But it didn't make the sadness go away.

I asked him what I should do to make it go away. He said that I first have to figure out why, specifically, I am sad. And, HECK if I know. *sigh* I see her. We visit. Totally open. I should be on top of the world.

And now I'm selfish and unnatural on top of all this? Lovely. I needed that today. Bummer.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I feel guilty about feeling sad when others have less, too.

What a tangled web we weave.

[michellemartin]

Jenna, you need more hugs... (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

No you're not selfish. You are a wonderful person. You are not unnatural. Well unless you sleep in a coffin every night and drink blood for supper... (sorry Halloween was too recent)

Sometimes I'm just sad and there is no explaining it either. Boy's just like to have something to fix, so if we dont tell them what it is, they feel useless. At least mine does. Just tell him what you have been, you dont know why your sad, you just are and you appreciate him listening. Guys dont realize all the time that listening to us is helpful. They think listening doesnt "fix" anything... They've got tons to learn...

[Jackiejdajda]

A part of me believes that seeing the relinquished son or daughter is far more difficult than just walking away and forgetting about it..
Or trying to forget..

SchmennaLeigh wrote..We visit. Totally open. I should be on top of the world.

You know more than he does about this.. My husband does not understand half of this.. Not half..

God grand me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

I know this is the key.. Acceptance without guilt or angst.
Without the mind games of the 'what ifs'.

Jackie

[79nic]

Jenna,

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))).

I don't want to hijack your thread, but just wanted you to know that I've been feeling the exact same way lately. Had to gasp for breath reading your posts b/c your words expressed so perfectly what I've been feeling.

It is soooo hard. I just had a visit with Marie and her parents this past weekend. It was awful.

She is three years old now. She is getting so big, and her hair sparkles in the sun--long red curls cascading down her back. Eyelashes worthy of jealousy.

I just kept staring at her and thinking "She should be mine..."

I KNOW I am wallowing but I don't know how to stop it. Think about her every day and it hurts.

None of my concerns are for her... I know she's happy and loved and loves her family back. I realize she could have "issues" but just figure her mom and I will deal with those when they come up.

I, too, HATE the title "birthmother" lately. It feels like a scarlet A burned on my chest.

Meanwhile, I could barely look Marie's mom in the eyes this whole trip. She kissed me on the cheek when I first arrived, and I just wanted to sink through the floor with guilt..... She's such a wonderful, loving, open-minded, selfless person--and here I am, thinking about how I want my daughter back.

Sigh.... so much for not hijacking. I'm sorry. Your thread just opened the floodgate.

Anyway, you are not alone. I have no words of advice, being in exactly the same place. Just some hugs ((((Jenna)))) and... a request that if you come through the tunnel, let me know how?

You'll be in my thoughts.

Nicole

[SchmennaLeigh]

((Nicole)) you are in my prayers.

[SchmennaLeigh]

When it rains, it pours.

Josh came home last night from his refresher course (he has to take so many hours a year to keep his paramedic licensure) all happy. It was "baby day" and apparently they learned a lot about how to care for babies who simply won't stop crying (ie, hold still so they can get the IV in) and so on. He also showed me the county's HUGS program which helps to promote awareness on how child abuse, especially shaking babies, can harm a child long term.

Then he walked back to the computer and handed me the flyer and form that our county hands out as part of our Safe Haven Law. Our county wasn't highly involved in the matter until two years ago when a college student in this very small town (I live across the street from it) threw her baby in the dumpster. Our friend Ben retrieved the child, but unfortunately too late. Now they're doing everything they can to get the word out about Ohio's Safe Haven Law. Anyway, I read the flyer and the attached form for medical records which the parent can mail into the hospital anonymously... and tried not to cry.

It really was well worded. It explained everything in detail and with respect. It stated how the child would be placed with a family until a permanent adoptive family could be located. So on and so forth. And how adoption was a permanent thing. And how counseling was available for birthparents. And so on.

And I just wanted to melt into nothingness. Aside from the fact that this program is needed and they've done a GREAT job with it... it made me want to be a birthmother even less! For one fleeting second, I thought it would be good for them to have a birthparent on this council... but then the thought of me stepping forward as said birthparent made me want to be sick. Physically nauseous.

Of course, there was a number at the end of the flyer where they talk about the need for counseling... that I wondered if I could call. I probably don't "qualify" because no one wants to help me. Then I remembered that all of the women who work with this program KNOW Josh and myself... and therefore I can't step forward and ask for help. Once again, I'm left to find my own way.

I'm so rambly at this point. I'm so lost. The best part of the day is when I called my doctor to inqiure about antidepressants and they've dropped me permanately as a client due to a bill discrepancy. I now have no way of getting help. At all. Through any venue. I'm feeling quite desperate today.

In other less egocentric news, today is Veteran's Day and I took my favorite Veteran (Josh) out to lunch. Now I'm off to work. To forget about this for awhile.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

{((Jenna))}

You are not alone!!! My heart hurts for you. I hope you find a way to feel better.

If you need it here is a link for you.

This is a link for Jenna

[mtlover]

Jenna,

I found this thread that is similar and MissingLinkinFL posted her advice and I thought it might help... very uplifting

http://forums.adoption.com/showthrea...328#post615328

My heart goes out to you today and everyday.

Kim