[the_butterfly]

July 26th is a moment frozen in time for me. I was doing my daily email check and... there came a message from my bdaughter! 21 years since I held her, 21 years of wondering, 21 years of longing, and now suddenly... there she is and I'm reduced to quaking and shaking with happiness and fright all at the same time.

Tomorrow it will be 3 months and we have planned our reunion a month from today. We'll be together for 5 days.

I spend a lot of days crying for no apparent reason. But something did come to me last evening. I'm realizing that I'm so afraid that after our reunion she won't want to continue the relationship and I'll lose her all over again.

I've been reading of other reunions where the child emotionally backs up. Perhaps by keeping a level head and perspective, and keeping a slow pace on the relationship on my end it will grow slowly rather than burn brightly and flicker out.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to develop relationships with your birthchild? We have been emailing quite a bit until recently and now it's been a month since I've heard from her. I know there will be a reunion soon and the unknown will be known so I am waiting.

}i{ Butterfly

[Byngee12]

My daughter and I were reunited almost a year ago so I'm no expert but I'd like to share whats helped me so far. Like you I also feared that that after meeting she'd be lost to me once again and I knew I couldn't take that.
One of the things that helped me was to not have any expectations. I simply went in knowing and reminding myself that I was visiting with a related stranger. I also took (and continue to take) it slowly. She reassured me that she'd never be away from me permenently and after several months I began to believe it. Even now that our visits are decreasing I don't doubt that we'll continue to have a relationship.
Its scary...for them and for us. Theres a forum here where the search guru discusses the stages of reunion that was very helpful for me albiet after the fact.
I hope everything goes well for you. Tara

[the_butterfly]

Thanks Tara.

There are so many issues around reunion that I never expected and they are all so very overwhelming. But this one probably is my greatest fear.

From the start I began talking with and emailing her afamily, especially her mom and that has helped. She stays in constant contact with me and has been reassuring which helps some but I know there are still going to be relationship pains and if my birthdaughter or her family pulled away it would be painful. She is very close to her family so if there was any reservations from them, it would influence her a great deal.

I see them as very much a part of my life because they have something very precious to me. They have graciously extended a welcome into their family so in all I feel confident that pulling away won't happen. But, real life has a different way of working!

Do you live close to your bdaughter? Did you see her often in the past year? Does she call/write often? And how old was she when she contacted you?

I'll be glad when the unknown is known!

}i{

[Byngee12]

Do you live close to your bdaughter? Did you see her often in the past year? Does she call/write often? And how old was she when she contacted you?
Hi again...to answer, yes I live about 20 miles away from Tammi; she contacted me last year almost exactly a year ago now using the info I left in a packet at the agency. She just turned 22 on Oct.16th so she was 21 at that time. In the beginning we called/e-mailed each other several times a day; later it became daily then a couple of times a week. She is experiencing some problems within her A-family and since I don't wish to enable her I have elected to step back, but we spoke yesterday. I actually talk more with her Mom.
The thing I want to share is that the feelings of losing her forever did lessen in time. I no longer fear her leaving me again so I no longer have the desire to know her every move. I don't see myself as her MOTHER. She has a wonderful Mom, instead I veiw her as a unique friend, kinda like an out of town cousin. Best wishes in your reunion. Tara

[sonata]

I will give you my experience as an adoptee who "needs a little space" since reunion.

It may make a difference that I was 39 when I found my birthmother 2-1/2 years ago. Also, everyone is coming at reunion from a difference place in their lives and we all have different emotional needs. So there is no "one size fits all" answer. But there are some common elements that I have experienced and read in the forums here from other adoptees that you may want to consider. First of all - and I emphasize this -

TAKE IT SLOWLY!!!!!

Please take my advice on this, if nothing else. You have all the time in the world to build a relationship. But don't rush it. Let it build at a natural pace that is comfortable for both of you.

Secondly - take your cues from her. In most reunions there is bound to be one person who wants more than the other (at least in the beginning). Its not unlike dating! But the one with the higher expectations, unfortunately, is the one who has to be very careful about pushing for a close relationship too soon in the reunion.

Also, please consider using the following phrases sparingly: "I love you", "I think about you all the time", "I locked myself in my room and thought about you on your birthday/Christmas/Mother's Day", "I don't ever want to lose you again", "I feel so guilty about giving you up", "Do you hate me for giving you up?" and the always touchy, 'Call me Mom'"

There is nothing wrong, per se, with saying any of those things. And she may very well want to hear them. But a constant refrain of declaring your love/guilt/obsession may cause her to take a step back in emotional self defense. (I'm not making any assumptions about you, personally. This is a general observation!) From what I've read here for the past two years, and from how I feel myself, it seems that a lot of birthmothers go into reunion with a lot of baggage from the relinquishment that they want to resolve. Hey, I can totally understand that. 100%. But often it becomes a burden on the adoptee to be expected to constantly reassure a birthmother that, "No, I don't hate you", "I love you too", "I'm not going away". If we back off to reassess after the initial whirlwind of emotion, we are often met with frantic pleas of "Did I do something wrong. Are you okay? Are you mad at me?" etc, etc.

I would almost caution you to EXPECT her to back off at some point. It is nearly inevitable. A 21 year old is just entering adulthood, going to college, dating, and thinking about her future. She is likely to even pull away from her own parents at this time - a natural and healthy thing. So be patient, let her know that you would love to hear how things are going at school, work, whatever, and give her the space she needs to get to know you as a young adult.

I hope you have a wonderful reunion and many happy years being a part of your daughter's family. Sonata

[the_butterfly]

Sonata - Thanks so much for your input. It is valuable information. Since there isn't any kind of handbook on this kind of reunion and you are right... there can be a lot of baggage on the bmother side. I'm only beginning to understand just how the adoption affected me.

For me, I sort of went through everything at the start and then it was just expected that I "get on with life", only you never really do. As the bmother, I have never felt whole and have looked and longed for the day of the reunion and never really dealt with the pain of what I went through. I never really understood how deeply the pain went until now.

I've felt for a long time that when we did finally reunite that slowly and over time is the only way we can build a lasting relationship but everything in me cries for immediacy. Thanks for your wise words and coming from the opposite perspective, they are welcome.

Thanks Tara for your post. I'm happy to have found this site. I've never connected with other bmothers. To be able to find others who share my experience means a lot.

I am looking forward to the reunion with hope and my husband is helping me have perspective!

}i{ Butterfly