[Tina Quillen]

Our ason was adopted (after a very long battle) from a distant family member (by marriage only). When Jonathan came to live with us he was only 20 months old and she decided that being a mom was not what she wanted. There was no contact from her for over a year until the court date and then she tried to say that her sister had stole him from her. The judge approved the adoption and terminated rights. We agreed to a visit from her for Christmas and his b-day last year provided she acted approiate. After that nothing and she moved out of state. I had called her and she said that she didn't want anything else to do with Jonathan because it was too difficult for her to deal with. No pics, letters, nothing. I said that it was her choice.

She has recently moved back, with another child, and wants to know if she can she can visit. Can not call Jonathan by his name but only calls him "J". told her sister that it was too difficult.

Question here is: do I let this woman see him taking the chance she may mess with his mind, or do I say no and keep it the way things are. She only wants to see him at her convience, and I do not feel that is right. He is now almost 5 and I do not want her to introduce her other child as his brother because he will not understand what is going on. We have full intentions on telling him everything (none of the bad stuff) about his bio mom. I don't think this should be kept from him. My husband says no, she can't commit to a regular visit with him and keep in contact, then it stays the way it is. I am torn on this one, because I know being a birth mom, that if I was given this choice I would jump on it. I could use some advice on this one.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Very simple:

If you're interested in letting your child know his birthfamily (which will help solve questions and awkwardness later in life), you simply need to set boundaries and rules with this birthmother for your child's best interest.

1. State that if she wants to visit, it needs to be a regular thing. I am not saying every weekend. Once a month. Once every three months. Six months. Year. Holidays. Birthdays. Whatever it is that you decide, she has to stick to it. Month after month. Year after year. She can't keep coming and going, because it WILL cause confusion. If your child sees it as a routine that every so often, we visit with birthmom, then it will be okay. But if he sees her once ever three months for a year and then she's gone for three and comes back and wants to see him, confusion will commence. Decide before talking to her what is appropriate for this time being. It is always possible to make MORE visits, but tell her it is not appropriate to make LESS visits.

2. Tell her that if she disappears again, no matter if it is hard for her or not, that her right to see him will be null and void. You are doing this for your son's well-being and an absentee birthparent is the same as an absentee parent. You won't stand for it.

3. Keep all visits, especially in the beginning, busy and well-supervised. I think this is necessary to create a trust factor between the both of you.


Make sure that she knows that, while you want to help her, you are most interested in the mental and emotional well-being of your CHILD. If she cannot adhere to these rules, she can deal with not seeing him until he is of age.

This may sound harsh, but she has all ready shown a pattern of leaving and coming back, which anyone can tell you is mightily confusing to a child. The less confusion, the better.