[FalynHarris]

I am an adoptee and I have been serching for my b/parents aganist my adoptive parents wishes.
I am getting nervous becasue it is coming down to the point where I have met people who are going to relay messages to my b/parents that they have found me, and I am getting scared. I was just wondering maybe how any b/parents feel about being reunited?

My parents were forced to give me up becasue they were only 16 when I was born, and apperently I stummbled onto some not so prety information about them. They both signed agreements at the time of adoption that they wanted me to find them, bbut they both have unlisted numbers. I know I am just babling but, I am so nervous and just really want to know how a b/parent would feel if all of the sudden 20 years later, the child is on your front door?

[SchmennaLeigh]

Every Birthparent is different. I know that a good majority want to meet their Birthchildren while others have only a mild curiosity or no desire. Unlisted numbers may have to do with something totally unrelated to you.

Best of luck.

[Jackiejdajda]

I would say that the majority of birthparents want to be found..

I needed to know that my bson was okay.. Once I knew that I could relax and get on with my life..

Jackie

There are so many possibilities for their reaction that it must be overwhelming to you. My son contacted me this past year and it has been life altering for both of us. I always wanted to know that he was alright but I also wanted to know him. I thought he was too young at seventeen to really want a relationship with me so I was a little afraid that this was curiousity and not genuine concern for me and the desire to know me.

Which is why I recommend sending letters to them to let them get to know that your actions are out of love and not anger or just curiousity. My son and I sent letters and emails for months before meeting. I needed to go slow. He had trouble understanding that taking it slow did not equate with not wanting him but rather letting my mind and life adjust to what was happening. We now have a wonderful relationship with each other. A large part of that was due to the unwaivering support of my husband. I hope that your bparents have love and support around them so that your situation can go well.

I do not know how your bparents will react but plese be patient and believe that they love you and that they went through unimaginable pain and may need to take it slower than you. But maybe not.

I wish you all the best and hope that you one day can have all of your parents in your life.
shaun

[aanna937]

I know as a bmother, I would be the happiest person on earth! I only hope my son years down the road wants to meet me as much as you want to meet your parents.....I wouldnt worry too much....Im sure they will want to meet you too..

[l-thompson]

There are many reasons why people choose to have unlisted phone numbers - I really don't think you should read anything negative into that.

You mentioned that your birthparents both signed agreements for contact at the time of adoption - this seems to be a positive. I know a lot can change in a persons life over 20 years and there are no guarantees that they feel the same way now but really you have nothing to lose by taking the next step.

I agree with the other posters....I think you will find that most birthparents would welcome the opportunity to know that their relinguished children are ok and most would be pleased to have continued contact.

The only advice I can give to you is expect nothing and just embrace whatever is offered. I found my birthparents at the age of 40 years - they were very pleased to hear from me.

Every happiness to you as you continue your journey.

[FalynHarris]

Since that post I have been reunited with my Birthfather. He is great and has just accepted me back into his life without skipping a beat. It has been a fasinating expirence that I wouldn't change for anything. I am really happy with what I have found so far. My birthfather and I are serching for my birth mother now. We have found out that she lives in Gerogia, poddily somewhere right outside Atlanta and that her married name is Bryan. That is as far as we have gotten. I do not know her husbands name. So, it has been a little difficult to find her.

But everything is going great,

Thank you for the advise!

Falyn

Good for you!!! It takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there like this. I am glad your father is as committed as you are. It is difficult for all of you but the rewards defy words. My son and I both feel that we are more complete. I wish you all the best with finding your bmother and for your ongoing relationship with your father. I am so happy for you and your lucky parents--all of them!

[l-thompson]

Thank you for the update. What wonderful news that you have been reunited with your birthdad and that it is going well!!

Good luckto you and your birthdad as you continue to search for you birthmom.

[angel22499]

as a birthmom i would be thrilled to see my daughter anyday. even though we have an "open " adoption it's only pictures and letters once a year. i think birthparents also suffer from the "fear of the unknowns". for me if Sarah came to see me i would be afraid that she would be angry that i didn't choose to raise her myself. or wander why i did what i did. noexplanation in the world can ease pain, but rather a new begining might be what i hoped for

[expertrider]

The posts by Falyn have made my night!

I am a b-father that would love to make contact with my b-daughter next year.

I am waiting until she reaches adulthood.

She may know nothing about the fact that she was adopted. She may know everything.

It is all just a big unknown for me.

Through Google searches, I have seen several recent pictures of her from school events and athletic achievments.

She looks just like me, with some obvious features of her beautiful b-mom.

Just yesterday, I saw her picture in a newpaper article (online, via google) about her school.
I feel so proud of her! I cannot wait for the opportunity to contact her.

This is so painful. I know that most post here are from b-moms or a-moms, not many men write here.
I have thought about my daughter every day since she was born.
I have posted my story on other message boards in this forum.

Some of the recent postings from a-children have lifted my spirits greatly. Especially those that mention how much they would love the b-parents to contact them.

I have one year to gather suggestions on the best way to contact my daughter.
If any readers have any ideas on how to make first contact with a birth daughter, feel free to contribute.

[DisownedRocker]

I would love it if my son showed up on my doorstep 20 years from now. I hope he'll not wait til 20, but whenever he's ready. There are some bparents who would rather not, maybe because they're afraid of losing their child again, or it would force them to relive the pain they went through. I think in most open cases, however, the parents would be thrilled to see their child again. As far as adoptive parents objecting to their children finding their biological parents, I don't understand why they wouldn't want their children to find out where they came from. Anybody have any reasons as to why an aparent would object to it??

[michellemartin]

Glad you're here Steve! We could use more bfathers on the forums! My bf wont even admit to the adoption even taking place once we step outside our doors to our home. The people at his work think she is here with us. I go to his work with just my 6 yr old and hope they will comment, but they dont. If they did I would say she lives with her parents, but I cant bring myself to say anything without them bringing it up... Turmoil... Any advice on why Josh may not have told his coworkers? Maybe I should start a thread...

[expertrider]

Michelle,

Your situation sounds pretty deep.
I've always disliked putting up a "front"; pretending everything is "normal".

Perhaps some open discussion with your husband would help. It is almost always easier in the long run to be open and honest with yourself and with other people.

I am sure that you had great reasons for doing what you did. Your husband must understand that other people are aware of what has occured.

There are probably rumors circulating about your b-daughter that are completely untrue!
Being staightforward with the co-workers and friends would go a long way towards eliminating the awkward feelings that you have when faced with these people. Others don't bring up the subject because they may have some horrible misinformation.

I have been on both sides of this.
I had a daughter when I was very young and had to give her up for adoption.
I later adopted my step-daughter when she was very young.

I know the uncomfortable feelings that surround discussing adoption with others.

I have, however, learned from EXPERIENCE, that it is always better to speak openly and honestly about the whole process.

This is a very powerful, emotional topic.
It is never easy to get past the powerful emotions and have rational discussion about this.

You should try. It may take more than one discussion to resolve this with your husband.

I hope this offers you or anyone else some assistance.

-Steve
waiting for 11/05

.

[ellemeth]

Falyn,

I don't have any useful advice. Both sets of parents send me regular updates and pictures. My cousin (adopted cousin?) found her biological relatives shortly after she turned 18 but they wern't ready for a meeting for several years worth of letters. Don't be discouraged if it takes a while for your mom to be willing to meet you. I'm sure she loves you but her other emotions are probably confused. It hurts to say goodbye the first time and she may feel that saying goodbye a second time would be unbearable.

Michelle,

My bf has reactions to the adoption very similar to yours. When he took off work the day of my delivery he blamed it on "A family emergency". When I ask him about his secrecy (denial?) about the baby, he just says that he understands why I'm so upset but that it's easier for him because he didn't have to carry the babies for 41 weeks. He didn't have to go to all of the doctors appointments, see the ultrasounds, or feel them kick. He says that while he is "A bit upset" it is easier for him to be detatched from the process. Maybe your bf feels the same way.