[Jensboys]

Hi everyone - I hope you dont mind me stopping by on your forum.

We are in a situation with our sons birthdad where he greatly regrets the adoption ... and is expressing that to our kids. Now some background ... our boys were adopted 5 years ago as a sib group from foster care. They were seized due to abuse and neglect. Boys are now 8 and 9 years old.

Birthdad has never really processed the loss of the kids until this year when he began corresponding with us (we had tried for several years to get him to). He has been in turn excited to talk with us, sad etc and now angry.

He is specifically telling the boys through letters that he wishes he was here to tuck them into bed and take them to practices etc. I am trying to be sensitive to his place in the grief process, while still protecting the kids - who have sufferred from various emotional issues as a result of abuse/separation/adoption etc.

For those of you that do feel regret ... do you share that with your child? How do they respond? Is there an appropriate way to handle this that is sensitive to the bdad while still supporting our childrens reality?

Please, any advice will be listened to. (lol except cutting him off -that will not happen).

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hi there,
I read your other post, too. I think that it is ok for them to know how he is feeling. It seems that he is mad at himself and the situation that he created...and I think that they are entitled to that. Entitled to know that adults make mistakes and regret things that they have done. That they are not forgotten or just something that existed then. They are important and their dad thinks so and is sorry.

I think that children and adults both should have the opportunity to forgive and knowing that he is mad at himself, may help them do that. It is easier to move on and be happy when you dont have resentment hanging on.

I treat my daughter as an equal..so I would tell her about the letter and we would talk about it... That sometimes you can do something wrong and lose something very important. But when you realize that you were wrong it is good to say it and everyone makes mistakes and deserves forgiveness. Just because you feel sorry doesnt mean that you get that lost thing back..... but you learn to not make that mistake and lose something so important again. It that important thing is another person...it is ok for that other person to forgive someone and still not want to go back. Because when you dont forgive you carry the hurt around in your heart and that can hurt you even more.

Anyway...that is what I would talk about with my daughter... it may not apply to your situation.... You know what your kids are capable of grasping. They may not be to that point yet....but may be later.... I think you should at least keep the letter for later when it will help them. At some point it has to help to know that he takes responsibility....

Tough stuff...

[Jensboys]

Firstly - I would NEVER get rid of the letter. They need it, if not today, one day certainly.

I love how you expressed things about loss and regret. Grown-Ups and sad feelings etc.

Its hard because I dont want my boys to have to take on his pain - feel as though choosing to be happy with us takes away from their bdads regret??? Does that make sense?

I genuinly care for their birthdad ... and I think what I am feeling here is a desire to erase his pain. It was easier to think that he had just accepted they were with us now - while still loving him.

Its hard for me to see how much pain he is in. He has paid the ultimate price for his mistakes. There is no greater loss, of that I am sure!.

[Jackiejdajda]

Its the consequences of his actions.. We can't run away from those..

You are taking care of those babies..

There is a thing about how a parent shares age appropriate information.. I am sure you know that and I am sure I know that.. But maybe he does not.. I sense that you know that this may harm them.. You are the parent..

And a very good one IMO..

Jackie