[joykupfer]

I am a 25 year old single mother of one 6 year old girl and have recently placed my son for adoption. In November of 2003 I found out I was pregnant due to a very brief encounter with a guy I had met through a friend. I remember the day I went to get a pregnancy test at Birthright. I took my sister with me. I was certain the test was going to be positive but that didn’t change the way I reacted to the positive test results. The lady from Birthright immediately said a prayer with me encouraging me to carry this child full term. When I left there that day I was in a state of shock. I was so confused and I went back in forth in my mind as to what I wanted to do about this pregnancy. About two days after I found out I called my friend to see if he could get a hold of the birth father to have him call me. He ended up calling me back that evening. When I told him I was pregnant he said “I’m sorry but I have started a relationship since then”. So that was basically the extent of the conversation. I did tell him though that I new this was a shock and to think about it for a couple of days and to call me and let me know what he wanted to do about it. Well guess what........ He never called me back. Big surprise huh? So from that point on I was faced with a very tough decision. Adoption.........Abortion........Parenting........ . Probably the most important decision I would ever make in my life.
I decided to start going to church. My sister was a very active Christian. I went for support and to look for the right answer to my problem. I felt very weird being in a church full of Baptist Christians who were very set in their ways. Here is me in this church full of people that almost live like the world as we know it doesn’t exist. I was very uncomfortable. But I had made a decision to rely on God. To trust him. And to let him help me through prayer. I really wanted to make a change in my life. It seemed like time had went by so fast. I was now getting down to the last week that I could still have an abortion. I had convinced myself that I was going to do it. Then I found out how much it was going to cost me and by the grace of God I couldn’t come up with $450.00 to kill my unborn child. Time was up. I could no longer have an abortion. I now only had 2 options. Adoption..........Parenting...........I was so confused. The assistant pastor of the church I was attending told me that they would be right by my side through this pregnancy. I trusted that they would. They had an evangelist family that the church supported that was looking for a baby to adopt. At first I was very nervous. But they had convinced me that this family was meant for this baby. I met with the family and thought they were very nice people. As time went on I felt like the people that said they would stand by me were forgetting that I was there. Maybe it was because I wasn’t wearing skirts all the time? Or maybe it was because I didn’t attend church three times a week? I didn’t know what was going on. I felt like since they had introduced me to this family they thought their job was done. That hurt me. This family I was dealing with seemed to always think that the only thing I needed was “stuff” and prayer. I needed a lot more then maternity clothes and prayer. I needed to trust these people. But were they just like the church that had seemed to forget about me? I was now starting to feel like I wanted to go ahead and parent this child. If I couldn’t trust good Christian Baptists then who could I trust.
My sister was by my side through all of this. Whatever I wanted she was right there. I knew that if I were to parent this child she would be there for me and help me whenever I needed it. At this time I was living in my sisters 2 bedroom trailer along with my daughter, my niece, my sister, and my brother in law. Talk about close quarters. After a while I was starting to feel that if I needed to rely on my sister to help me do I really have any business being a single mother times 2? So now confusion sets in again. Can I do this? Will my daughter have to go without? Will I have to go on welfare? Where will I get a crib? I spent a couple of weeks thinking about this. I was sitting at work one day and decided to call Birthright to see if they had any resources for me. I wanted to find out about adoption. I wanted to know what my rights were. I wanted to know about the process. She then called Bethany Christian Services. Not long after that I received a phone call from a Bethany representative.
We started meeting on a weekly basis. We went over all the pro’s and con’s of adoption and single parenting. I guess these meetings went on for a month or so before I was ready to start looking at family profiles. We sat there at the table and went through a pile of profiles. I was picking these families apart. I felt so weird doing this. Who was I to say wether someone was worthy of being a parent or not? Easy. I’m this child’s mother. It is my responsibility to make sure this child will be well taken care of. So that evening I went home with a the profiles I had narrowed the pile down to. I think I took home 4 of them. After a couple of days I had decided to meet one of the families. They fit was I was looking for. They had good jobs, they had a nice house, they were close to their family, they liked the outdoors, and they were Christians. I also liked that they didn’t have any other children. I wanted this baby to be someone’s first. About a week later I met this family. We met at the Bethany office. We talked for about an hour and a half. I asked them all kinds of questions. Why they want to adopt? If they go to church on a regular basis? What denomination they were? It was hard to sit there and ask questions. These questions were personal. But I had to put that all aside. I was looking for a family to raise my baby and to do right by him. I was looking for someone I could trust whole heartedly. They were going to be responsible for everything this baby would ever go through. I wanted to know how they felt about open adoption and how open they would allow it to be. I wanted to make sure I would always know where my baby would be and how he was doing. I wanted pictures and an occasional visit. They were ok with all of this. I was so comfortable with them. So at the end of our first meeting we exchanged phone numbers. We called each other it seemed everyday. I think about a week or two went by and we had decided that we all would like to spend some time together so my daughter and I drove to their home about 2 hours away and spent the weekend with them. We had a great time. We did this almost every other weekend. I had gotten to know them so well. We were like best friends. We laughed together, cried together, prayed together, and even shopped together. These people in my mind were the “perfect parents” for my child. They had proven to me time and time again that they were very genuine people. I had so much love in my heart for them. I was convinced they were the ones.
Toward the end of my pregnancy my dad wanted to make sure that this adoption would happen no matter what. He knew I was very happy with these people. He said to me one day that I needed to make sure that they would adopt even if the baby was born with a disability. So I got up the nerve to ask them. I was so scared. What if they said no? I really wanted my baby to go with these people. When their answer was yes to that question I was thrilled. These people were the best. Why wouldn’t I want my child with the most wonderful people I had ever met.
On August 2nd 2004 at about 4:30am my water broke. I was so excited. I called the family right away. They headed to the hospital. They held my hand the whole time. They fed me ice chips. They showed so much concern as I went through labor. Then he was born. Noah. A beautiful baby boy. They were so excited. The adoptive father cut the umbilical cord. They huddled around the little warming table as the doctors cleaned him off. I remember the look in their eyes. They were parents. I was laying in my bed on the other side of the room. My sister was holding my hand and I was sobbing. I knew this was it. My son was going home with them. Not me. Little by little my heart was breaking. I knew what was best for him. I needed to be strong and not be selfish. Noah had a problem breathing so they took him to the NICU and the family followed. I was happy about that . They needed to be around him. A couple of hours went by and I hadn’t seen anyone. Then the doctor came in and the family followed. Noah was born with down syndrome. I started crying so hard I couldn’t talk. I looked at the family and told them I was sorry. The adoptive mom put her arm around me and hugged me. They left the room shortly after that to be by Noah. I went down to the NICU to see the baby. It was hard to look at him. More so it was hard to look at the family. I felt like I had let them down in some way. But in the back of my mind I knew that it would all be ok because they said they would adopt him even if something went wrong. A couple more hours went by and next thing I knew they were gone. They had decided to back out because he was born with down syndrome. I couldn’t believe it.
Soon after they left the hospital my Rep from Bethany came to my room and told me about a family in Minnesota who has been waiting to adopt a baby boy with down syndrome. They had the families letter to the birthparent and a picture of them. Everything was still so fresh to me. I was still in so much shock. Now after all the months of preparing to let my son go to a family I felt comfortable with had suddenly changed. I now had to decide if I could let him go to a family I did not know. I didn’t know anything about these people. Only what I read in the letter. I knew though that I could not provide the care that he needed especially now that he was born with downs. I knew that it would take a lot of time and energy to raise him. Maybe I would have thought twice if I had been in a relationship with a loving husband who could support us and I would be able to supply all the time that he may need. But in my case I am a single mom already and it is hard enough for me to raise one child on my own. So I decided to let this family adopt him. They already had 3 biological children and 2 other downs babies that they had adopted. I then decided to call the adoptive mom. I wanted to be sure that she understood that I love my son very much. No matter his condition. She said she understood. I then found out that they lived in upper Minnesota about 14-16 hours away. I still cant help but think that I wont get to see him as much as I would like. This just changed everything.
My son stayed in the NICU in a nearby hospital for about a week. I chose to be there everyday. I felt that it was my duty to be by his side. I would talk to him, cry at him, and tell him how sorry I was. I told him how I would come to see him. I told him how special and beautiful he was. I still smell him from time to time when I breathe in. Kind of strange but true. Toward the end of his stay in the hospital I took my Dad and my Sister there to see him and to say their goodbyes. My Dad had a very hard time. I made sure to get pictures of them holding him. About two days after that he was discharged from the hospital. This was probably the most difficult part of the whole process. After spending all that time with him in the hospital it was time to say goodbye. At this point he was not going to the family in Minnesota because there had to be an adoption approval between states. He was going to stay with my agency representative’s mother because she did all the care for babies that had to wait for approval in my area. That day I felt by heart break in two. I walked out to the car while holding him in his car seat. After I placed him in the car it was like I couldn’t breathe. I gave him a quick kiss goodbye and said I love you and walked away. This wasn’t the last time I would say goodbye.
I kept in contact with the family that was waiting for him. I called them a couple of times per week. It made me feel good to know that they were so anxious to have him join their family. At the same time I was feeling resentment toward them because they were going to be able to care for him while I was not. Only a couple of weeks went by and I received a phone call from my agency rep. She called me about 10:30 in the morning and told me that they got approval. I took a deep breathe and just started crying. She then told me that the waiting family was going to get on a plane and that they would be here around 6:00 that evening. I told her that I would like to spend a little time with him before they came to get him so she brought him to my apartment a couple of hours later. I couldn’t stop staring at him. I help him real close and cried. The time then came that we had to take him to the airport. It was like an out of body experience for me. It felt like at the same time I was the one going through this I was also on the outside watching this happen. It was so surreal. I held him in my arms as we walked through the airport looking for a family we had never seen in person. I couldn’t hold my emotions back and I noticed that everyone in the airport was staring at me. They had to have known what was going on. These people were witnessing an adoption. I wonder what they were thinking? We saw the family sitting on a bench seat and right away they knew who we were. I think it was obvious. Why else would a girl be walking through the airport holding her baby crying uncontrollably? I could tell they wanted to take him from me right away but I didn’t care. I was going to savor the last few minutes that I was going to have with my son in a long time. When I did hand him over they asked me if I had any questions. I told them no but I did tell them to promise me they would take good care of him and to never let anything happen to him. I also told them that they needed to be aware that I love my son and that the only reason that I was allowing them to take him is because I couldn’t do it. They said they understood. They were so happy. He looked very content in their arms. I on the other hand was in disbelief. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. In a way I felt a sense of failure. But that would pass.
As I write this story it has only been about 3 weeks since he went home with them. I feel a lot better know. I know that he is being well cared for. I call them about once or twice a week and all they have is good news. My way of coping is very simple. STAY BUSY. I have decided to volunteer at my daughters school almost everyday of the week until I find a job, I surround myself with positive people only, and once a week I meet with my agency rep and we just go over what I have been doing, how I’m feeling, and what my plans are for the future. My healing process has just started. I have good days and bad days. But the good days are finally outweighing the bad.

[Karmen]

What a beautifully moving and touching story.... thank you for sharing it with us, and the photo too.
I just sat here & cried... I could feel your pain & anguish.
I am not a birth mom, but I am a bio mom of 4... and I've been a teen mom and a single mother... I know the turmoil & confusion, wondering how you'll make it and if you'll be able to provide everything your child will ever need. It's very scary.
You did the right thing. Everyone knows what thier own limitations are and you did what you knew was best for your son.
And what a beautiful gift you gave this couple with such loving, open hearts... your son.
He'll be fine, he really will.
Downs children are some of the most happy, loving & sweet children you'd ever wanna meet.
But, as with any child with special needs, there's alot of time and energy involved. And sometimes there's other special needs in addition to the Downs. It's not easy...
I know, I was a nanny for a an adopted downs baby for 12 years. He's now a 21 yr. old grown man
As a baby and little boy he always had a smile that could light up a room. He's still very dear to me, and we'll always have a special bond.
Good luck to you and your family... please keep us updated and let us know from time to time how Noah and you are doing.
(((HUGS)))
Karmen

[nikki27]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful, touching story and photo. I too cried through the whole thing. Especially, when I saw your photo. You are very couragous and have given your son a great gift . First, you gave him LIFE. Wow, as a infertile women I have a special place in my heart when I hear about women who decide adoption over abortion. Life is so preciuos. I am glad you are doing emotionaly better. I am sure you will have your moments of deep sadness and loss but always remember you chose life. You are a great MOTHER. I will keep you in my prayers.

Nikki

[bromanchik]

Joy,
You are beautiful and brave. I hope you have people that are surrounding you with love and support. Please contact me if you ever want to talk. I know others in your situation. It might be good to know other birthmoms that have babies with Down's.

[Karmen]

I have seen alot of bmoms on these boards talk about journaling for thier babies, but another good idea is for bmoms to just print thier posts and save them in a memory box for thier children to read or have when they get older.
I just keep thinking about your post for some reason...
All the details and emotion that you could "feel" just by reading it.
We all know that as years go by little details get left out and eventually some of it's lost forever.
What a great way to capture the exact feelings of the moment, while it's still there.
Karmen

[EZ2Luv]

Joy,
All I can say is WOW. What a wonderful gift you gave your son. May God pour His Blessings on you forever. Your story was awsome and I cried as I read it. But your picture was the most moving. As an adoptee who grew up knowing her birthmother and being grateful for my aparents I can say that the look on your face prtrays such unselfish maternal love. God Bless you sweetie and may your days be filled with peace, joy and reassurance knowing you made the most loving decision.


EZ
Grateful adoptee

[79nic]

JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You found your way over here! Now we have two places to talk.

You know I've read your story and think it's beautiful... just wanted to say hi and give you another little ((hug)). Any word from Noah's aparents yet? Pics???

Nicole

[michellemartin]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your first couple not working out and them not being able to tell you themselves. Its sad that they could just walk away like that. Three weeks is pretty new. I remember my 3rd week. I also have a child older than the one I placed. How old is your child?

[joykupfer]

She is 6 years old. Will be 7 in January. Shes a blast.

[michellemartin]

sorry, but more questions! Since your daughter is close in age to mine... I was wondering how she felt about the adoption plan and how involved in the plan was she? My daughter thought I was going to "send her away"!! Obviously she is my daughter and I wouldnt do that, but to a 6 year old perspective is a bit different. Does your daughter ask about the baby at all? Karma is always drawing pictures for Kara.

[joykupfer]

From the beginning I had a conversation with my daughter about the baby in my tummy. I told her that this baby was for someone else that couldnt have babies. I explained to her what a special gift we were going to be giving someone. So she never got attached to the baby at all. We have pictues of Noah in the house and she knows who he is. When Noah was in the NICU I asked her if she would like to go and see him and she said " no mommy its ok he's already in my heart" That started my healing process. Shes a wonderful little girl.

[KellyStacy]

I read your adoption story and easily filled with emotion.I am a hopeful adoptive mom.Currently we are talking to a birthmom who wants us to adopt her baby.Words cannot express how much joy,and absolute happiness this has brought to us.I figured I would read some of the post from a birthmothers view of adoption.I really want the birthmom to know we could love this baby so,so very much.I want her once we meet to feel at peace and know in her heart this baby will always be loved.I already promised this child will of course know of the adoption.And when the child is 18 will know exactly who his/her biological mom is that is very important.We have talked and all of us involved only want one thing what is best for this baby.I respect birthmoms and their decision of adoption.I can only imagine how hard it must be to hand over a baby,and knowing you only want what is best is something everyone should respect.I saw your picture and filled up with tears...you are a GREAT mother and my heart goes out to you.I look at that picture and see the LOVE you have for your child.Its amazing just like your adoption story.You gave your son the gift of life something that not everyone chooses.You have touched a lot of people by telling your story.Your courage is remarkable and its birthmoms like you who give us adoptive parents the greatest treasure a little miracle! May God grant you peace.