[shadow riderer]

Brandy, good point. Maybe it is more of a longing for things to have been different than a apeaking in absolutes?

[crick]

Folks...just remember all opinions count and nothing is the same for each and every person here.

[shadow riderer]

Brandy, good point. Maybe it is more of a longing for things to have been different than a speaking in absolutes?

[Scatterbrain]

But Renda--think about the emptiness that she is feeling now and how it could be filled by having a relationship with her first-mom. I am not just talking about getting answers. Answers are great too and will help,but what she is feeling is a need to KNOW her first-mom--to touch her to see her. To see her image in her first-mom. S's firstmom felt her grow, carried her in her womb for her first nine months. They bonded. No one can take that away--and I wouldn't want to. She nurtured her in a way that I will never know. It is their time. I now care for her in ways that her first mom wasn't able to at the time she was born. I am able to take that role. Neither takes away from the other and S has a special place in her heart for both of us. I can not replace her first-mom and by having a relationship with her first mom would not hurt or hinder my place in S's life either. I am her mom. Kim is S's first-mom. Both are special roles in our daugher's life.

[thanksgivingmom]

Scatterbrain, I've said it on other posts, and I'll say it again. Your posts are absolutely beautiful. I always find strength and encouragement when I read of women like you. I know that you feel like the lucky one, but your daughter is so blessed to have a Mom that is so understanding and supportive.

[Oceans]

Renda: I appreciate your experience in a closed adoption has caused you to form a negative view of OA. I think what some are trying to say is that just because you had a good closed adoption doesn't mean that open is bad. In fact, long term studies have shown it to be better for the child.

I too am a closed adoption adoptee - But my experience as an adoptee is far different from yours. I blogged about it if you want to read. And yes, I love my adoptive dad with all my heart and I had a great childhood.

Just know we all have different experiences. I personally curse the closed era and carry the scars of it. I wish it could be obliterated. That said, I also know it worked for some. There is no one size fits all solution...

Scatterbrain: Again, I think you’re awesome... I know you are just being a Mom but, yeah... Your awesome.

[josh1788smom]

I am a birthmom with a 19 year old son. I was promised an open adoption - well - my parents were promised an open adoption with my son and his family - who is my dad's cousin. That was the deciding factor in my parents forcing me to place my son with them. My parents could satisfy their morbid curiousity without being embarassed by have the ___ daughter "who got knocked up out of wedlock".

Anyhow, it was never my wish and my intention to have him adopted so once I turned 18 I fought it. Guess who won???? Not me. Guess who was never allowed any contact with her son or that side of the family (my relatives keep in mind).

When my son turned 18 I gave him information about how to contact me etc. Who can I trust to give it to him or tell him the truth??? No one. So I did it myself. We had a great meeting - all was well until his amom had a meltdown about losing her son.

All I can say reading this post is WOW!

[Scatterbrain]

Ahhhh--Thanks Ladies!!

[Renda]

Josh'smom

I can only say that it is never right to make anyone have their child adopted, the decision has to be the mothers. So it is sad that you were forced into giving your son up.

I still think though that meeting him off your own bat was not fair, it could have been a shock at least.


Renda

[josh1788smom]

I handed him a 7 page letter and some pictures telling him my contact information and how to get in touch with me. He handled it just fine. It was his amom who didn't. He has no problem with who I am, and I make no assumptions about who I am. I am just me. That's it.

Someone always has to initiate things. That's the way it works. Maybe that is why I have gotten as far as I have in life, I am an initiator.

[jwmjwm]

I'm an adoptee from the closed era. Of course I have no idea what it would have been like growing up in an open adoption.

I will say, though, that I think that so many years of complete secrecy caused damage. My birthmother declined to have contact with me a few years ago because she didn't want anyone to find out about me. She had never told anyone (except my birthfather) - not her mother, not her sister, not friends. I can only imagine what it must be like for her - to ponder opening up something that has been shut away for so long in her life.

I can't help feeling that if there could have been some kind of openness - at least a means of communicating - it wouldn't be so hard to reach each other now. But then again, she didn't want anyone to know back then, so could she even have chosen an open adoption?

I'm glad that things are not the way they are in the '60s. The availability of openness just seems so much more humane for all involved.

It hurts that I will probably never meet my first mother. She is a part of me, and will always be a part of my life, whether or not I ever see her face.

[thanksgivingmom]

jwmjwm, Currently, no one knows about my DD either...however, we are in an open adoption. I do want to be able to answer her questions, to be there for her, and to affirm how much she is loved. I know one day I will have to come out to my family and for her it will be worth it. I wonder though, had I not entered into an open adoption with her, what would my response have been in 18 years? 20? Whenever she sought me out? Would I be strong enough to now let people in or would I shut the door out of fear? I can't speak to that, and I'm glad that OA is making it possible that I will never have to make that decision.

I'm so sorry that you feel you will never get to meet your first mother. (((((hugs))))))

[Renda]

thanksgivingmom,

why is it that you have not owned up already to your daughters existance?, if you have an open adoption then why would it matter?

The open adoption was meant to avoid the secrecy surely.



Renda

[sstuart]

I can't speak for TGM--But I must defend, cause the hair on my neck is standing up!!

She has "owned up to it" She has choosen not to tell anyone and I think those are two different things.

As a birthmother you do not tell everyone in your life about an adoption. Unless you have walked in our shoes you do not know.

I had a closed adoption but very few people in my life know. I just recently reunited and I will tell people as I see fit. Unfortuantely, we are immediately judeged when we tell people about adoption and it is usually not for the better.

Just because she isn't comfortable telling all- She is doing it in her time and what is good for her. Her DD is still very young-- So she has plenty of time to do it at her own pace!

[lonni]

Originally Posted by Renda

thanksgivingmom,

why is it that you have not owned up already to your daughters existance?, if you have an open adoption then why would it matter?

The open adoption was meant to avoid the secrecy surely.



Renda

Just when I thought I was going to avoid this thread. Renda~her daughter is really young and she is so proud of her. Don't you think it would take some time to work out this situation to make it less of a shock to her family? No one wants her to just recklessly BLURT it out and take her loved ones out like a catastrophic domino crash, do they??? I sure don't.