[gretaP]

thanks jackie-

that's a good thing to meditate on.

[EZ2Luv]

All Adoptions are Not Alike

I have been reading through this thread and once again it always ends up with the aparents and bparents at odds. This is so rediculous. As an adoptee from the closed adoption era I am in agreement with Renda. I am so grateful I didn't know who my birthmother was while growing up. I think I would have been torn as to who or where my loyaly should have been, but that is just me and not true for all adoption situations. I hapen to be the birthchild of my mother's younger sister who I have the joy of knowing and loving as an aunt. I do not think an open adoption in my case would have been good, but as I said before no two adoptions are identical. I think it depends on the ageement made in the adoption plan. I don't think there is anything wrong in a birthmother backing off a bit for some space and healing and in the same way I think it is OK for the aparents to take some space if they need it. What good would either of them be to the child if there was any kind of unhappiness or uneasiness. While I agree the OP shouldn't totally cut herself off, there is nothing wrong wih tailoring her degree of involvement until she can become strong enough to deal with it. There are so many different schools of thought on this. I can recall these birthparent vs aparent wars when I first began searching. I had bithmother telling me I was in some kind of denial because I didn't have this big void in my life and waited so long to search among other things. But I think this birthmother/amother thing is an ongoing debate. This is so sad because ultimately these children will be adults and this type of attitude can only confuse them. I know for me my birthmother can never replace my amother and vice vera. I do not doubt how difficult open adoption can be and I commend anyone who is involved in one. In all honesty I don't think I could be that strong. Again I will say what good are stressed out, bent out of shape adults to the children. Ok that's just my two cents

EZ

[Volfe]

EZ you are right.

What good ARE stressed out, etc parents. Having the child in positive surroundings matters. Giving them the respect to tell them you love them but won't see them for a bit matters.

Taking breaks is not the big problem I think, it's when people don't explain the break taking. I think it is fair that everyone be on the same page, and understand what's going on, even the child (in child's terms though).

But I just wanted to comment to you on your situation. Not in the sense of any kind of judgement but because it is so much like my mothers.

Let me first say I am glad you are a happy, well adjusted person/ adoptee.

My mother grew up with her bmother's sister... Not sure if older or younger. Doesn't matter. She always knew who her bmother was, her Aunt, and was never confused about the roles of everyone. The problem was that she was treated IMO like The Problem of her Bmother.
I'm glad I've found these forums I have gotten much help and in this case, much insight into Mother.
She is co-dependent.
She rages.
She was abusive, physically, emotionally and verbally.

I knew it was because of her amother's abuse. She was packed up and brought back to orphanage enough that she's told me tons.
Her fingers were burned on the stove.
I guess she was called stupid, I've heard it enough.
She told me I was lucky.

She says she was the Black Sheep.
Now I know why.

I wish she'd had your life EZ.

It wasn't the birth mother that warped my mother's psyche. Not knowing her/ knowing her, mattered little.

It was her amother.

EZ

I too, am tired of bmom/amom debate. It is terrible thathe time wasted on veiled barbs and who is more important or not. There are moms out there that are wonderful whether amoms or bmoms. There are some that are terrible.....whether amoms or bmoms. There are some that are so loving and geniunlygood....able to put aside there own hurts feelings for the emotional wellbeing of there child....whether bmoms or amoms. There are some that fail to do that...its all about them, their losses, pain and expect a child/adoptee to ease that pain..whether aparents or birthparents.

It hurts to have children sometimes.....whether adopted or not.

[RiverGal]

Well said! Emotions and confusion are not exclusive to any one side of the triad, or even to adoption issues. We all have joys, and we all battle dragons. It's called LIVING. If we get to the point of embracing it, with all the emotions, it is a true blessing.

~D

[alexkat84]

I don't think that that would be a good choice. I'm in an open adoption with my bmom, and if she decided to not be in contact with me any more I would feel very hurt by this decision. Think of what your child would feel. I know that it can be hard at times, but your child needs you.

[belkins]

Hello-
My situation is night and day from yours, I was supposed to get pictures and updates but never get a thing ever, for the last five years I have suffered every holiday, this year I knew she started school but no word nothing. As for holding us to the same standard as adoptive parents when it comes to open adoption let me remind all adoptive parents you hold all the cards, you have our children and can cut off access at anytime with no word whatsoever or a reason. Open adoption are not legally enforcable they are just an agreement to agree. I know you are hurting right now seeing your son with another family, I don't know your story as to why you placed, but I can tell you that first and foremost get counselling and journal. Also don't be afraid to let the family know that right now is a very hard time emotionally for you could they maybe for a short time send pictures of him alone maybe so that you can just enjoy him. One last thing do not kid yourself he may seem happy in those pictures but he is just a baby and he knows you are not with him, which does hurt studies do show that.

Brandy Bottini-Elkins
Lifemother to Amberlie Jeanette aka Amelia Hurt 6-23-99

[angie2122]

I hope this may help you. First I know it has to be difficult to watch your baby with someone else but understand this...The aparents are very thankful for you and for what you have done for them. They want you to be reassured that you've made the right decision. They want you to know that your baby is going to be happy and have a great life...you wouldn't have placed your baby with a family that wouldn't make him/her happy. You should feel great about what you've done and allow the happiness to reassure you of how selfish you were not. It's okay to put a little distance there but just keep the open door. As many others have said....explain it hurts right now....they will more than understand. Give them a photo of you to keep for the baby so you are never a stranger. Your not a witch....you have a heart of gold....you've done a wonderful thing. I wish there could be more people in this world like you. Hang in there! (((((HUGS)))))

[woofer]

newbie here. the site is a huge help....
i am glad i checked your profile before answering. like i said, i am new to this.
you have to tell the A-parents how you feel. dont do this alone and let the guilt eat you. it is not up to them to agree with how you feel, so just explain it to them. but by all means dont break ties!!
you have done your right by your child. you took the hard road on both accounts. you offer him a chance to be part of your life. dont throw it away. it will mean alot to him in the future. (i know this).
your young. i cant imagine going through what your are right now but you made the tough choice now stick with it.
if just holidays for now so-be-it. your child needs you in a good place. the world needs you in a good place. build a relationship with his A parents that makes you as comfortable as possible without the torture felt now.
looks like you both have your whole lives ahead of you. be strong. that is what mothers do best! show him you love him and do the BEST you can. never give up because you cant go back....
doug

[bonitagenovesi]

this is coming from a child that had a closed adoption i just wanted to let you know you should keep it open.Mine was closed and now that i'm 40 I am having some health problems and my adoption was closed So it's real hard to find my biological parents and their will always be a piece of my life missing so if you can stay involved please do from an adoptee

[aj2002]

Recently I have gotten quite a few pm's from this forum, so I thought I should post an "update."

I did end up "skipping" our fall visit last year (don't worry, I talked to a-dad before and let him know what was going on). However, my family ended up spending a day with them in December for Christmas. Also, last Saturday b-dad and I went down (just the two of us) for some "alone" time with Jake. Since I last posted, things have gotten a lot better. I think that before, I was trying to pretend that everything was A OK instead of letting myself grieve. When Jake got to a point where he started to realize who his "real" mom and dad were, I wasn't ready. It was to much for me to deal with at the time. Now, I'm working on building a relationship with him based on the little person he's becoming instead of feeling "entitled" to one because he has my DNA. It took me awhile to get to that point, but I have finally realized that the little baby that I held in the hospital and the two year old little boy that loves balls are two completely different people. I still don't think that I'm fully "OK" with the adoption, but I getting there. Thanks to everyone who posted their advice here, and I hope that this makes sense....

Amy

[sugarbabysmommy]

Just wanted to day I am happy to read your update. What you said about having a relationship with the little boy and person he is becoming was very powerful. Peace to you.

[wanttobeparents]

I'm so glad that you are working on a relationship with Jake despite how painful it is. Please know how important you are to him.

I'm also glad to hear that you are allowing yourself to grieve. That's a very important step.

Peggy

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by aj2002

Since I last posted, things have gotten a lot better. I think that before, I was trying to pretend that everything was A OK instead of letting myself grieve. When Jake got to a point where he started to realize who his "real" mom and dad were, I wasn't ready. It was to much for me to deal with at the time. Now, I'm working on building a relationship with him based on the little person he's becoming instead of feeling "entitled" to one because he has my DNA. It took me awhile to get to that point, but I have finally realized that the little baby that I held in the hospital and the two year old little boy that loves balls are two completely different people. I still don't think that I'm fully "OK" with the adoption, but I getting there. Thanks to everyone who posted their advice here, and I hope that this makes sense....

Amy

(((Amy)))

I am so happy to read your update. I'm so glad you are working thru your feelings while being there for your son. My daughters bmom told me that she had to greive the loss of our daughter, as if it was a death to her, she looked at me horrified when she said that and stumbled out, I mean I had to greive the loss of my daughter, the daughter I hoped to planned and raise, the dreams I had for a little girl. I knew what she meant. Placing a child involves great loss for most.

I'm so glad that you can see the little boy today who likes to play with balls and be a part of who he is becoming. I read an article once about bmothers finding their spots in their bchildren's life, having to redefine their relationship to their bchild. Stuggling to see their bchildren thru a different set of eye's and struggling even more to find self value for themselves to stay a part of their lives. I'll try to look for the article and pm you.

Thanks for the update. Thanks for talking to the adad. I'm glad you are doing better.
Hugs,

ps.. btw....your son has two "real" mothers. That is a fact of adoption. Two sets of parents, both are real. Not one is more real then the other. We are what we are.

[Bubbles]

AJ,

I'm sorry you feel this way. I am an adoptee who wishes I had an open adoption. I don't how bad it hurts to be a BMOM but I do know how bad it hurts to be an adoptee with closed records. I think if its hard for you to recive pictures and such you should get a box as they are sent to you put them in there and look at them when you feel able to. But whatever you do don't stop the contact someday he will want to find you and thank you I'm sure of it!! And i comend you on the decision you made to give you son what you could not . YOU will always be his MOM regarless of what some may think or say. Be hapy that his aparents are so eager to keep in contact with you many cut of all ties you are very lucky. Don't be unhappy and live life one day at a time. Good luck in all you do.

Crystal