[79nic]

aj,

Please correct anything I write here... I'm going to try to reiterate what you said and are feeling....

For the first year of the adoption, you've been a loving bmom, and you've enjoyed your visits. Your partner (hubby? boyfriend?--and he is also the bfather?) also enjoys the openness and wants it to continue.

However, you are feeling horrible because it's becoming apparent that your bson knows his adoptive mom as "mommy," and this not only hurts, it makes it impossible for you to focus on the connection you DO have with him.

Is this about right?

All of this is soooo normal. I know that probably doesn't helpl. You probably feel like someone's punched you in the stomach every time he call his amom "mom"...?

I don't know what to tell you, except that you are (I think) probably in the WORST PART of the adoption experience right now. When he was a baby, you could still think of him as "yours". When he's older, he'll understand you're his birthmom. Right now, he's making it hard for you to think of him as yours, and he doesn't understand what role you DO have.

It DOES get better. The age he is at is the height of the (normal) developmental "separation anxiety" phase kids go through. His clinginess to his mom will subside over the next year. Within a couple years, he'll be able to tell people your name when they ask "Who is your birthmother?"

I know you're hurting... I think it's only natural to want to close it off right now... but I really want to urge you to not do anything in haste. Wait a while... see how you feel in half a year... you may find that as his mommy stage lessens up, you start to feel better. Making a huge, life-changing decision when you're a very low point, emotionally, is NEVER a good idea (no matter what the decision is about).

I DO think you should step back a little if you need to. You already said you're not going to some of the visits. Don't feel guilty for that. I did the same thing... there were times my parents went without me. The aparents truly, truly understood. IF they're saying they miss you, take it as a compliment, not a guilt trip--they miss you and look forward to a time when you can healthily resume visits, but they understand that right now you're not up to it.

A few more hugs.... ((((AJ))))

Nicole

[79nic]

Sorry, one last thought...

you said you're "forced to 'deal' and you don't know how"


I honestly think this the heart of the issue. IMHO, I think you'll find that you still have to "deal" even if you back away... deep down, you know someone else is his mommy, and whether you see him or not wont' make that go away. (Although I do understand that not seeing him means it's not being rubbed in your face.)

Have you joined a birthmom support group? If you went through an agency, they may have one. Or you can pm Brenda, she may know of one you could join in your area....

You can also feel free to pm me (and many other bmoms here, I'll bet)--we'd LOVE to share in some mutual support!

Other things that have helped me through this: writing about my feelings, talking to people....

Nicole

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Both of Nic's posts are totally right!

You are completely normal and it WILL get better! I have the links to a couple of online groups-- if you are interested just PM me.

[michellemartin]

Because I fear that I may have unitentionally upset here... In my previous post I was NOT trying to say that one mom feels more pain than another. I was trying to say that the pain each of us feels although in some ways very similar is still very DIFFERENT- not more or less, just different. I apologize for it seeming as if I were trying to debate who feels more pain.

[AMom2Two]

numbr1dbcksfan
I don't understand how this whole thread got so angry, but maybe it had something do with the world selfish. Let's remember it was AJ2002, the orignial poster who asked if she was being selfish to close the adoption.

My response is yes it would be. All the reasons that follow can be different for each of us. Neither side holds the market on pain and who suffers the most. Neither side has an excuse to break promises and agreements. If you make open adoption about the pain, then I doubt many of aparents would do this. It is about the child. No one else get's an excuse. We, as the parents, need to know what your plans are in life. Are you going to stick around or leave? We have a right to know this. We don't have a right to tell you when to visit and how you want to receive pictures and updates, they are your decisions and can be changed depending what is happening in your life. We all have a responsiblity in open adoption to be honest with each other. There is not an adoptive mother in this world who would say, no you have to do visits. All we care about, is if you are still connnected to this adoption plan or not?



(((aj2002)))
If seeing your son makes you feel bad and the bfather still wants to go see him, then let him go alone. If you need a break to get a grip on all these new feelings hearing your son call someone else Mommy, then do so. Just tell the afamily, it's too hard for you right now, say I need a month or 6 months or a year, I'll be back in touch. That was the point of my whole post. I'm sorry other's seemed to blow it out of proportion.

((dl)))

I remember feeling so upset that I was passed over twice because those bmothers wanted closed adoptions. Now, I'm glad it happened, because I am matched with a bmom that wants open and does want visits, even tho she has already told me she don't know how many visits she wants. We're just going to leave that open and see how she feels. I'm glad those other situations didn't work out for me. It would be hard to have one child with an open adoption and a second child with a closed one. Hugs

[Renda]

AJ

Have to say AJ that you were very brave in and honest in asking advice.

I think DL is completely wrong, but this of course is only my opinion.

This for what it is worth is how I see it, I live in a the uk, were there are only closed adoptions.

I feel simply that if someone wishes to give a child up for adoption, then they should do just that, and give the child a chance for a completely new life.

To have another 'mummy' visiting now and again can be confusing, it is so much easier for the child to grow up with just one set of parents.

It is important however to keep a contact with the a parents, so that one day if the child wishes to contact her b mother and ask for any info that can be done.

When I see open adoptions I feel that they are more about the birth mother than the child, if you are going to give a child a new life, let him or her go.

It is important to each adoptee in most cases anyway to know their roots, including myself, but when they are ready they will start to ask the questions.

So I feel you are being honest with yourself and not at all selfish, infact that is the harder option for you (closed adoption), but I feel anyway better for the child.

I know what I have said may upset some birth mothers, but I feel the need to be honest, and I have had some experience myself and of the other adult adoptees that I personally know.... they all feel the same.

Take care,

Renda

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I dont think that anyone--and I apologize if I was the one referred to--said that adoptive parents dont feel pain...Im not sure where that came from at all...

I HOPE that what is being said is that it is ok to back off, just let the adoptive parents know. I am still wondering why the word selfish is being thrown in her face at all... She said that she was feeling selfish...but did not say "Am I being selfish??"... she actually asked if any other birthmothers felt the same as she does.

Im not sure why suddenly everything is black and white...but there is a lot of gray area. AJ said she would be willing to keep up Photos and phone calls.... all of that would still give the child the information that he needs....

So I am wondering why there is such a huge lack of compassion here. And I cant really believe that people keep coming back here and saying something nice but then subtly adding, "but I still think she is selfish".....?? Why do that to anyone?? Why talk nice and then push the knife deeper?

I'll back off, but not because I'm wrong, because when I see people being so blatantly mean it hurts me as much as the person it is directed to. And this is all making me want to cry.

Adoptive parents here post whatever they want and are great at supporting one another--no matter how selfish or ridiculous their whine is... but it is not that same safety net for birthparents..they are run off by not just adoptive parents, but also birthparents. I was starting to think that had changed here for a while, but clearly it hasn't and that totally explains why there are so many private birthmother groups out there.

[AMom2Two]

You're taking this W A Y too the extreme. You sound argumentative? I don't wish to go to that level with you.

Renda.... I can understand how that works in the UK and if it is a wide spread policy in the country then that is great. All adopted children will have the same background. Here in US, there are all types of adoptions. If you choose an open adoption that means you are committed to a lifelong relationship with this family. Not one side should be able to break that off, without discussion with the other party.

((AJ)))I'm sorry the word selfish got so caught up in the winds here. Everyone has selfish moments and thoughts but not everyone comes here and posts about it and learns. You didn't act selfishly, you thought about it before you did.

[debsdone]

I think it is important to be clear about a few things. First and foremost...becoming a parent, by any means, creates a whole new set of life rules. We Moms are no longer allowed to do and say things based on how we "feel". Feelings are not some sacred thing to be obeyed at all costs. There will be times where more experienced and well meaning parents will have to re-direct us when we make a mistake. That is what this thread is to me. A parent proposing a terrible mistake. Perhaps there is some truth that "misery loves company" but it is NOT the supportive thing to do. (IMO) To say that it hurts to see the baby calling another woman Mom is understandable. To indulge those feelings are not. Being Mom means being strong and doing what is best for your child. How you FEEL doesn't mean a whole lot oftentimes. In this case I believe that closing the adoption would be an extremely regretted move. But I believe even more strongly that you can't pick and choose when you feel up to fulfilling your role in a child's life. I believe the wording was that pictures and letters would be ok to make AJ feel better about knowing the child was ok. Sorry, but that is NOT about providing information for the child. That is all about BMom. I am blessed to have had a few harsh words directed my way when I was tempted to fall prey to self pity along my parenting career. Had I given in, my life today would be a much worse life. I learned. As a result I intend to teach. The main lesson is...feelings are second to the well being of the child. If that is mean, so be it. Debi

[dl]

How interesting! AMom2Two posted on page one and no one commented about her post. However, when I posted on page two that I agreed with AMom2Two, it's labeled as "one bad statement" .

originally posted by numbr1dfcksfan
"I can only imagine what must go through a person's head to be in pain and then have people literally attach the definition of 'selfish' to you. I can think of a few definitions I would like to post.....but wouldn't want to break the tos."

aj2002 literally attached the word to herself ~ "I feel like such a selfish witch right now"

As Brandy posted, "there are two different conversations going on here. One, where AJ is saying she wants to “close” the adoption, and one where everyone is telling her its ok to back off for a little while. To me, those are two VERY different things." I agree. Perhaps some need to read the title of this thread again: "open adoption closed by b-mom?!?"

I do understand how this experience can be painful. I also posted "I agree with you that running from feelings or difficult situations is not the answer. If one needs help dealing with something than get help." I would post the same thing to an amother who promised a bmother a fully open adoption with visits, but then wanted to cut off visits and change it to a semi-open adoption, because after years of struggling with infertility and the pain of the medical procedures and the difficulties of going through the adoption process, it was just to hard to see the bmother holding the child.

I would tell this amother to get some help because she needed to follow through on the agreements she made to have a fully open adoption. How would other's post on a thread titled "open adoption closed by a-mom?!?" Would other's condone this amother closing the adoption or changing it to semi-open? Would they tell the amother to save herself from going under? Do what she needs to do for herself and not keep her promises to the bmother? Not think about whether this is best for the child but do what is best for her to heal? I doubt it. Even when an aparent posts that a bmother is severely crossing the line, the aparent has been crucified by some for even thinking of cutting back on visits let alone eliminating them entirely. I don't feel that adoptive parents are supported more on the forum than biological parents. The statement "no matter how selfish or ridiculous their whine is..." does not convey any compassion to me.

debsdone:

"Perhaps there is some truth that "misery loves company" but it is NOT the supportive thing to do."

I agree! If someone was about to jump off a bridge would it be supportive to give them a push just because that's what they wanted to do? Or, would it be supportive to attempt to help them look at the situation from another perspective ~ even though at the moment that's not what they want to hear?

"Neither can lay claim to more pain. Whenever an attempt is made to define the level of pain, it is too personal, IMO. I hear, "MY pain is bigger than yours and I will prove it by using this person as an example"

Again, I agree. Just as an amother cannot truly fathom the pain of relinquishment, a bmother cannot truly fathom the pain of infertility and the pain aparents suffer going through the adoption process. As shelliemart posted, "the pain each of us feels although in some ways very similar is still very DIFFERENT- not more or less, just different." I personally don't feel that one DIFFERENT pain justifys not keeping agreements more than another DIFFERENT pain.

Renda:

"I think DL is completely wrong, but this of course is only my opinion."

You're certainly entitled to think I'm wrong but I believe you misinterpreted my post. I was not advocating open adoption vs. closed adoption. Personally I am glad that I was raised in a closed adoption as I have posted many times. I was part of one family with one set of parents and felt very secure. The fact that I joined my family through adoption was never denied, but it was not focused on. I agree with your perspective regarding closed adoption. However, if open adoption is what is agreed to by both bparents and aparents, then BOTH should honor the agreements that were made ~ JMO.

Go to" adviceplease " in the general adoptive parent support thread and see what a dose of reality can do and how a good mom learned from those that really did know better......we also cared very much about the outcome and about her child. She was mature enough to listen and things are getting better and will continue to get better for her and herfamily. IMO...that is real support.

[michellemartin]

I'm just going to say that I personally did respond to a thread by an amom saying she was wanting to cut back the visits. I - in her situation- agreed with her that ~at that time~ the best thing for her to do would be to clearly state what needed to change in their relationship and cut the visits back. I dont think in every situation an open agreement should be kept 200% open. Sometimes either part of the triad needs to back off for a minute. I know that at any time Kara's parents can tell me, sorry but goodbye. I would have to accept that and move on. I would hope they would open it back up again if that were to happen. But I guess what my point is here is that EVERY situation is DIFFERENT and what works for one will not work for everyone.

[3inCO]

AJ, first off, let me say that I think it is ok for you to take care of yourself. I am an a-mom and I just want to share a liittle about my oldest son's adoption as I think it might help you see the importance of keeping the door open.

We had B placed with us at six days old. His birthparents chose us and met us. His birthmom wanted pictures and letters and nothing else. At the time, this sounded fine to us.

As the years have gone by, B (who is very bright) asked many questions that we could not answer. We have always spoken positively about his birthparents and given him all of the information that we had (age appropriate). We have sent pictures and letters all along, but never heard a thing in return. He has recently had issues with anxiety. Today the psychologist he has been seeing told us that when he did an exercise where he had to finish stories, ALL of his ended with loss. Now, I can't say for sure that this is related to the loss of his birthfamily, but other losses in his life (a few pets etc...) have been minimal and we have loved him to pieces. So...I have to believe that he feels that loss pretty intensely.

On the upside, he has recently met most of his birthfamily when he was able to connect with his bio-sister who found our e-mail address. Not birthmom....but he has at least had some of his more pressing quesitons answered for now.

Anyway, all of this is just to show that your presence in your child's life is important. And, your lack of it can really impact him, even though his parents will no doubt give him tons of love and meet his needs. He may have needs that they will be unable to meet.

Like others, I think you should talk about how you can alter the openess...for now. I would not stop the visits all together, but maybe not so often for the time being, and for sure always keep the communication two way. It had been 8 long years since we had heard anything and when B would ask if she was even alive it would break my heart.

Take care of yourself.

Becky

[dl]

Go to" adviceplease " in the general adoptive parent support thread and see what a dose of reality can do and how a good mom learned from those that really did know better......we also cared very much about the outcome and about her child. She was mature enough to listen and things are getting better and will continue to get better for her and herfamily. IMO...that is real support.

Excellent comparison! I agree that is real support. I really didn't see anyone post agreement with what she originally proposed to do. Yet no one complained that she was not getting "support". Here's the link
I need some advice!! Please!!
http://forums.adoption.com/t165658,15,1.html

Isn't it amazing how the amother went from (on 9/5):

"I am really trying very hard to understand where you all are coming from but it is still almost unbeleiveable. So I am suppose to HELP her do something that might rip our family apart?. . . .I'm sorry maybe no one can help me.

To today's post:

Thank you all for caring.

[Volfe]

I just wanted to say that I agree with Shellie's post, in that, i too suggested that an amom reduce visits to a bmom (but I didn't suggest she close the adoption).

I also agree with dl about the amother and her daughter... She didn't like our early advice, and we were even kinda hard on her about it, but we all offered sound advice and she thanked us too.

I don't agree that open adoptions cause confusion about parents for many reasons. But the oldest proof I have is my Mother who knew her bmother (was a relative adoption). She wasn't confused between her aunt (bmom) and her parents. She just knew who everyone was.

I do agree that AJ needs to step back maybe and heal a bit. Is that selfish behaviour? Well, maybe but I don't think she's a 'selfish witch'. I think if she wanted to back out a bit because she'd rather go party and have fun would be selfish. Instead she seems to want some self-inspection... And to grieve. Well, I don't think she really wants the grief to hit, but that is what i think she has touched on and it hurts... it hurts BAD. That realization of Loss sux.

Is getting pics and letters only selfish? Well, maybe. But when your baby grows and you can show them the pics you have of them, they see your love for them was always there and that is a boost that they need. So if you show them as an adult, it is still affirmation of your love, which some adoptees wonder about. That is my opinion.

Personally, my boyfriend doesn't go see Gracie. Often he is working but he really likes to see her pics. I don't see him as selfish for not wanting to visit. I do invite him every time he's there. But if she's older and wants to meet him, I am sure he'll go.

Overall, I will just restate: don't close an open adoption you are in, for it benefits the child ultimately.

Maia