[Genesismom]

18 years ago my daughter was adopted (not through my choice which is a looooong story) and she turned 18 a few months ago. Much to my shock I received a message on my voice mail on Sunday:

My name is xxxx and I was wondering if you are xxxxx who was in the Navy in 1985 ummm 86ish and had a daughter named xxxxx. I hope this is the right number and person again my name is xxxxx.

No phone number but it is on my caller ID.

NOW what do I do?

I guess I never imagined that this day might come. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[michellemartin]

Well I want to know, so call and find out and let us know!!! Good luck and I hope its her!!

She may have just been so nervous herself that she didnt realize she didnt say a phone number...

[Genesismom]

I probably didn't post as clearly as I could have the first time. The person who called is NOT my daughter. She left her name and when I did an internet trace it came back with the a birthdate making the caller around mid 40s age in a state so completely different from the one the adoption occured in. I am only guessing that she is calling on her behalf.

I have never registered with any of the search engines/services so a call like that caught me off guard and to be honest it kind of scared me witless to realize what the call could be about.

I am not sure I am ready for this but before deciding what to do I wanted some feedback from others on how they faced this moment. I am clueless as to what to think or do. I would like to have some chance of sounding intelligent!

I am leaning towards making the call and finding out who this older adult woman is and WHY she is calling. Then taking it from there as to how much I can handle when based upon the reason for the contact. Does that make sense?

[michellemartin]

It makes sence. Agian, though, good luck.

[condetti123]

I have a few questions... were you hoping and waiting for this possible day? Do you have a family?(husband, other children, etc.) If so, do they know of your daughter's birth? Take a deep breath, take it easy and proceed slow in your decision. Think about everyone involved and how it might affect them, but by all means eventually check it out. Especially if you have always wondered about her and her safety and happiness. If you have a family and they do not know, you might want to sit down and tell them before opening up your life for her to be a part of it. It can cause a lot of problems when it is an ubrupt surprise to the family. I have heard of it happening with lots of members of the forum. I know that this has to be a unexpected anxious moment for you and you are probably right that the phone call came in regards to your daughter. Breathe, think, sort your feelings out, and then take another breath and call. Good luck and let us know how things go. Hugs to you!!!!

[blankenb4]

Condetti has given you good advice. The only other thing that I can add is to follow your heart.

Good Luck,

Barbara

[Mackie]

This is also a possibility...........the Older woman may be a Search Angel and she is the one that put the call thru thus her name and number will be on your caller ID.
As a SA I thought about what happens when a call is made that way......And altho I DO NOT MAKE CONTACT CALLS......I know some who do.
So if they did......... it would not be your daughters name and number on your caller ID but the Search angels...OK?
Just another slant on the Phone call. :-)

Blessings
Mackie

Originally posted by Genesismom
I probably didn't post as clearly as I could have the first time. The person who called is NOT my daughter. She left her name and when I did an internet trace it came back with the a birthdate making the caller around mid 40s age in a state so completely different from the one the adoption occured in. I am only guessing that she is calling on her behalf.

I have never registered with any of the search engines/services so a call like that caught me off guard and to be honest it kind of scared me witless to realize what the call could be about.

I am not sure I am ready for this but before deciding what to do I wanted some feedback from others on how they faced this moment. I am clueless as to what to think or do. I would like to have some chance of sounding intelligent!

I am leaning towards making the call and finding out who this older adult woman is and WHY she is calling. Then taking it from there as to how much I can handle when based upon the reason for the contact. Does that make sense?

[patrisha]

I agree with Mackie. Unless the caller identified herself as your daughter she may very likely be a third party (even your daughter's adoptive mom)

It's also very possible that she made the call from a friend or relatives phone.

I would make the call if you're curious and interested in a reunion. Be cautious, as unfortunately there are far too many scams. Even if it isn't a scam, there is always the possibility of bad information so verify the match either legally (if possible) or medically (DNA testing).

Let us know what you decide.

Trish

[Genesismom]

Thanks for the replys.

Some more information about me: I never married or had any other kids and my immediate family all know about her so no worries there at all. In fact I called my father immediately whe I realized what the call was likely about and he volunteered to run interference for me if I wanted. Although I am not sure that is the right decision.

I have decided I am going to call and at least find out what the call is about. Only when I know that can I even begin to think about what to do next. Sitting around and guessing isn't helping me and won't solve anything. After that point oddly enough if I decide that I am not ready for too much contact I am completely okay if she wants contact with the rest of my family and them with her. Is that too weird?

I never truly gave the possibility that this day might come any in depth thought. In the first few years when I did I was still so hurt and angry I couldn't even imagine a positive reunion. Now I am just confused at this point. I guess I had always hoped she was raised secure enough in herself that she wouldn't want to come find me. Although a counselor I saw through work assured me that security has almost nothing to do with the search from the adoptee's approach.

I plan to call on Friday or Saturday so I have the rest of the weekend to deal with the intense emotions that may result before I have to return to work.

Please check back as I will definetly let everyone know what happens. Thanks for the support.

[condetti123]

With you being the only one on your end to worry about, you now need to get your feelings regarding the situation in sync and figure out what you are ready for. That is a great idea to wait until Friday or so in the event that you need to work through some intense emotions that might arise, if it truly is someone contacting you regarding your daughter. Good luck and just take it easy. Let us know how it goes. Hugs!!!

[l-thompson]

I guess I had always hoped she was raised secure enough in herself that she wouldn't want to come find me. Although a counselor I saw through work assured me that security has almost nothing to do with the search from the adoptee's approach.

Your counsellor at work, IMO, is quite correct. Many adoptees, whether secure or not, still desire some form of contact with a birthparent/birthparents. For me I just needed to know "something" about me, my beginnings, my heritage, my birthright and I also wanted to know the story behind my relinguishment.

From what you have posted I tend to think this is a third party acting on behalf of your daughter. You have decided to make the call and I think that is the best thing to do - no more second guessing.

As an adoptee that searched, I was quite prepared to hear that my birthmother may not be ready to develop further contact. I would have respected her decision and left the door open for the future, however, I would have liked some very basic questions answered at that stage. I would have been disappointed if I wasn't afforded this information. As it turned out it wasn't the case and I was welcomed with open arms - I have been blessed with a very happy reunion.

Your daughter is very young and thinking back to when I was 18, contact at that stage of my life would have been incredibly emotional...it was emotional enough at the age of 40!
You can only take one day at a time and gently, gently see what happens. Please let us all know how you are doing - there are so many on this forum that have walked a similiar path and lots of good advice to be shared, always a caring person who understands what you may be experiencing.

Take care and I hope making the phonecall provides some answers.

[blankenb4]

Good luck with your phone call. I will be thinking about you. At least, you will know what you are dealing with and will be better able to work through the wide range of emotions.

Barbara

[GE_Glows]

Just my 2 cents worth - I'm with Mackie - probably a search angel. Isn't is gratifying to know your daughter cares enough to look for you? Follow your heart and best wishes to you. We'll be waiting to hear all about it!

Toby

[Genesismom]

Mystery solved!

I got a letter in the mail today from the caller. It turns out it isn't anyone related to my daughter but someone who knew me way back then and decided to look me up. I will call her to reconnect but at this point it is highly doubtful that she is connected to my daughter at this point. Just a freaky coincidence.

At least now I can make the call without hyperventilating and passing out.

Thanks for all the support. In a strange way I am glad it has turned out the way it did. It now gives me the freedom to really think about whether I do want to reconnect and sort through those feelings.