[BlueMommy]

Hi,

I need some help and decided to go to the source. Please understand that I merely looking to be respectful and value you perspective.

We are considering a match with our agency, awaiting medicals etc. The bmom is wanting semi open and so are we, but it seems we would like to speak to each other via phone.

I know I will be very nervous and afraid I will say the wrong thing. Please understand that I merely looking to be respectful and value your perspective.

Anyway, my question is what will that first conversation be like? What should I expect? What questions are appropriate? Also once we have this first conversation how often should we speak after that? She is due in Oct.

I do not want to seems fake or insincere. I know I have to be myself, but "myself" does not typically speak to someone who is gracious enough to consider placing her child in our home.

I need some advice from you very helpful and loving souls.

Thank you very much!!!

Robyn

[Dixierae]

Hello, your post was very nice, I know things may look gloom for the first call, but tell only the truth and kind of go with the chat. Iam sure the bmom will be as nervis as you sorry for my spelling.

Iam a bmom who for 27 years didnt know where her child was or even if she was alive, I was but 15 and my Mom had her taken from me so Iam not real sure how that call should go, but your sayings its going to be simi open, so I do think the truth will work best. I do hope the bmom doesnt over do things and want to be there 24/7 Ive read so many post over the years where sometimes the childs mom needs to close things, which in some case's I understand, I wish you well with your child and trust youll do whats right when the time comes Good Luck and Many Blessings

[bmLisa]

Hi Robyn!

I am a bmom to Cole, who is almost 3 years old. While I never talked on the phone with the couple I chose to be his parents before he was born, we did meet shortly before his birth. I was so nervous before our meeting. I thought about things I wanted to talk about with them, but since I had convinced myself that I only wanted to get a letter once a year I never worried about discussing our adoption relationship. I just wanted to know about them as people. I had no idea what we would talk about, but there were a million things running through my mind - all of which flew right out the window as soon as the social worker told me that they had arrived. Our meeting lasted a few hours. I don't really remember too much of what I said, but I remember so much of what they told me that day. The more I learned about them the more at ease I felt with them. They treated me like a long lost friend that needed to be caught up with. They told stories about their lives together - those stories told me more than any question - answer period would have.

I know that they were just as nervous as I was. The biggest regret I had is that I had convinced myself that I didn't want any openness and so I didn't leave any room for discussion. Luckily my son's parents understood when I asked for some changes to our adoption agreement after Cole was born. Once I held him I knew that one letter one time a year would never be enough. We receive letters and pictures twice a year, and have had two visits - one requested by me, and the other initiated by them.

I guess that my advice to you would be this - while it is a great idea to think about what you want to talk about ahead of time, don't worry about it too much. She will be just as nervous as you are. Maybe write out a list of things you would like to know about her and keep it close by while you are talking on the phone, that way you will have something to help you keep the conversation going. Maybe try to keep the first conversation light and don't try to jump right in to the emotional, hard to discuss issues - try and get to know her as a person. There are no rules for how often you should talk, play it by ear. When you feel that the conversation is coming to an end ask her if (and when) she would like to talk again.

I know this must be a very nerve wracking time for you, but hang in there!

lisa

[AmyRae613]

the first time i spoke with the aparents, was in the adoption agency. my counselor was the mediator...and just asked all of us lots of questions.

questions:
*what is your family like?
*what are your hobbies?
* favorite movies?? books??
* why have you chose adoption?

stuff like that. don't worry about being nervous. i was so sick to my stomach, but the moment i walked into the mediation room...i felt right at home. i love the aparents. the amom seems like a big sister to me.

anyways...hope this helps a little.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I never spoke with her parents on the phone before the birth.... we did write a few letters, but never talked directly. I met them in person at the hospital after she was born. I get letters and pictures three times a year....and I talk to her mom on the phone....but rarely do we actually talk about the adoption, we mostly chit chat and I get detailed updates in the letters.... we have recently started emailing though so now i get updates that way, too. I still feel intimidated before I call though...not knowing what to say and stuff....so it usually takes me either days or sometimes weeks to work up the nerve to call....even just to chit chat!

Just so you know the nervousness goes both ways!! I would have preferred, if we had talked before the birth, to get to know each other over the phone, but make our adoption plan through the adoption counselor....that way no one is on the spot..

Good Luck on your adoption!

Christine

[BlueMommy]

You all have been so great. Thank you for your advice. I was even nervous to post here, since this board is your turf.

I hope you know that we aparents are very humbled by your courage and strength.

It is because of you that we are here.

Thank you!

[MeggieC]

The first time I spoke with R's aparents, I was very nervous. It was very late at night, I was concerned I would wake them up. They had had a 1-800 line added and had not had a call on that line since it was added. When it rang, they thought it was a mistake and someone had dialed the wrong number. When her adad finally realized that this was a serious phone call, I could hear the relief in his voice. To hear that genuine thankfulness made things so much more comfortable between us. These were people who wanted a child more than anything in the whole wide world and were unable to have one even after all kinds of fertility treatments. And part of me felt very good to know that a) her aparents wanted her. It wasn't that I didn't want her, but they wanted her, too. I knew that she would be loved and provided for, and would have a fabulous life. b) that I was helping another couple with their idea of a dream. I suppose that those of us who have never been unable to have children may never know the agony of those who try and try and try and simply can't for whatever reason. And that thought, that realization, was one of the positive parts of my life in the days following R's adoption.

I don't know anything about the bmom in this situation, but if she's anything like I was, she's scared to death of alot of things. Understanding that this is just as difficult for her as it has been for you will be the biggest step for you and her during this time. Discuss how "open" you really want this to be and if you say that you intend on sending her a pic every year, stick with it. While my aparents and I never really went into detail about the "openness" of the adoption, I would like to have received more than 1 photo from them in 3 and 1/2 years. Yes, that child is yours after the adoption is final, but never forget the person who helped make that dream a reality.

I wish you all the luck in the world and I'll be praying for you and your bmom--that this goes as smoothly as it can.

God bless,
Meg

[RiverGal]

Robyn ~ It's not as much WHAT you say, but rather HOW you say it that would connect with me. Just try to be as open as you can, and by all means, as honest. If the connection is there, it will click and conversation will start to flow.

I realize how nervous you must be, and I can assure you, as others have already said, she will be, too. Try the reversed roles on yourself before the call. Think about how YOU would like to be approached if the tables were turned.

Honestly, I think you will do fine. Anyone with the foresight and compassion to come and ask for guidance obviously has her heart in the right place. Sounds like you will be a wonderful mom.

And, for the record, most of the birthmoms here don't pay much attention to which side of the triad you hail from...support is support. If not for views from both adoptees and amoms, I would be lost. I've developed many wonderful friendships with members from all walks of adoption. You are welcome on "our turf" anytime you want to talk.

Please...stop by again. We can learn from your insight.

(((HUGS))) and good luck!

~Deb