[34andhopeful]

My son ws placed with us in January. I have been in constant contact with the birth grandmother but I have not heard anything from my son's birth mom. There was one reference in the most recent letter from the bgrandmom regading that fact that the ** did not regret her decision but she is having a very hard time with her decision. I guess my question is that I want to understand what she is going through. Can someone enlighten me?

I have an awsome relationship with my son's b-grandmom, she even sent me pictures of my son's brother and she is putting together a family scrapbook with medical history. She says that she shares the pictures that I send to her to the entire family.

I want the ** to be at peace with her decision and it seems as though she is not. Is there anything I can do to help her. She has had such a hard life and I would do anything to ease her pain.

Please advise.

[girls3]

Just be there for your son's bmom. It is so important that you are able to listen to her without judgment. She is grieving her loss of her child it is like a death occurred in the family but, the person is still living and you know it, but she just can't go and pick him up and love on him. It's the most difficult decision and the most heartwrenching action of all. My son's amom took me out to lunch one day after I placed my son with them when he was about a month old. It was nice but, I was honest with her that I wanted to bring home my son and have him stay the night with me. It didn't happen, I was telling her what I felt at that time. It was so hard to let my son go and be raised by another woman and to actually succumb to the belief that I will never be his momma. It's pretty traumatic.

What I can say from experience is please communicate with his bmom, it's so important to have communication. Ask her what you can do for her. Allow her to have her feelings and just be there. If you have an open adoption you will be dealing with her forever, it's better to start being open now than later.

[kcmomma75]

Every ** feels differently. But, most of us grieve. It is a loss. Something happened and we were not able to take care of it. Personally, I felt like a failure. I felt I failed at protecting myself from getting pg and then I failed at being able to handle the outcome. I have a great semi-open adoption! But i still hurt and miss her. It will be 10 years in Aug.

Just be patient and do not close the door. What ever your agreement is, stick to it. That way she will know that you are there for her and not just her baby.

Best of luck to all!

** to Lexus Aug. 15, 1994

[michellemartin]

For all of us its different. Do you send any pics directly to her? My mom has a good relationship with the parents also, but if she talked to them more than I do, I think it would make me uncomfortable, like how much info is mom sharing about how I feel. Maybe a little care package with a short hows it going letter will help her to open up to you. She might also not want you to know she is hurting, maybe fearing that you would interpret her pain as wanting to change things. She may even want to change things, but knowing she cant, she may need time to accept her decision. So I suggest if you do write her a little note not to mention anything grandma said or indicate that grandma even said anything. If she wants you to know she'll tell you. Grandma might even be telling her what she tells you about her having a hard time and this might make it even more difficult for her, so when grandma brings up bmoms feelings, change the subject. Only the bmom should be telling you how she feels.

[79nic]

Hi 34,

Your concern is very, very touching.

You said your son was placed in January. Was he a newborn at the time? Or had she parented for a while, before placing? Not sure it matters, either way..... just wondering.... was thinking maybe the "failure" feelings someone else mentioned might be even worse for a bmom who tried to parent and couldn't.....

I don't know if there's anything you can do, other than keep making it clear to her that she's welcome to talk with you (or visit, if you're OK with that?) any time. There's really nothing aparents can do to make the grief go away. It just takes some time. THere are things you can do to make sure you don't compound the grief: send her pics (if that's what you've agreed to) and updates on your son- - then at least she won't have to wonder how he is, on top of grieving.

You sound like such a sweet person. I hope your situation works out.

Congratulations on your son, BTW.

Nicole

[Jackiejdajda]

34andhopeful wrote..I want the ** to be at peace with her decision and it seems as though she is not. Is there anything I can do to help her.

I would say don't add more 'issues' to her stress.. Let her be if she does not want to get into the emotions around the relinquishment..

Jackie

[Girlie_Hen]

"I would say don't add more 'issues' to her stress.. Let her be if she does not want to get into the emotions around the relinquishment.. "

Go Jackie! Go Jackie!

[AmyRae613]

I am a birthmother of 4.5 months. i placed kaylee on feb. 2, 2004. i love the concern that kaylee's amom has and had for me. she was so greatful to get this little bundle of joy, but yet so sad to be taking life away from her own mother. she stayed up with me at the hospital alot of the time. then i was allowed to see kaylee just a couple days after she was placed. the aparents are so loving. they are very supportive. the amom sends me e-mails once a week...and pictures every other week. what i would do is create a little care package for her. add a stack of pictures of her bson, a journal, girly lotions and bath soaps, and then add a teddy bear. make her feel special and feel like you want her part of your life, too. like everyone has said, she is feeling like someone has died. i would send pictures every so often, until she asks you to stop sending them. i am still going through the grieving process myself. most of the time i am fine...but mondays are one of the hardest...cause that is the day she we went home with the aparents.

hope this helps. =)

[bmLisa]

34andhopeful~

I think that the fact you are concerned about your son's birthparents says tons about the kind of person you are! I definitely agree with what Nicole had to say.

The first months were the hardest for me. Also your relationship with each other is still so new that she could be struggling to find where she fits, or maybe even where she wants to fit.

It is great that you keep in contact with the birthgrandmother. My advice to you would be to continue letting your son's bmom know what that you think about her, and give her time to deal with what she is feeling. You are not responsible for the pain your son's bmom is feeling, and there really isn't going to be much you can do to take that pain away, or make it better for her.

good luck

lisa

[missingmyboy]

Hi 34andhopeful,

I am a birthmom to a son who was born in early March 2004. I just wanted to let you know that it is possible to be at peace with our decision but to still grieve and be having a hard time. I am very "at peace" as I know it was the right decision for my son and I know his parents are so so good for him. However I still grieve and have some really hard times. Being at peace with the decision and feeling okay ourselves are not the same thing. Maybe your son's bmom is "at peace" but needs her space to grieve.

Shelley

[34andhopeful]

Hi guys,

Thanks for ALL of the words of wisdom. As I menetioned before, the bgrandmother is wonderful. I am so thankful for her because I know how important it is for my son to know or at the very least, have asscess to our "other family" when he is ready.

When I looked at the picks of his brother - its just amazing! They look exactly alike. Now, I have a glipse in to the future.

Of course in MY world, I want the ** to be happy and at peace. But, I do realize that will take time. She lives in AZ, and I live in VA, so I am nopt sure ifthey can ever see each other.

They are just such an awsome family. They also send me mother's day cards and they send my DH father's day cards and I send them granparents day cards...

I am just very blessed.

Enough ranting. Have a goo dnight everyone!.

[NanaC]

Can someone please explain to me why so many people at this site use asterisks when they are clearly referencing a child's first mother?

I also find it disturbing that people are routinely referred to as "the (whatever)". As if what they are is more important than who they are. (An example would be, "We will be having a visit with the ***") Whenever I read a sentence in a post that refers to a person in that manner, I am always struck by it, and it just seems to me that it would be so much more reasonable, and considerate, to drop the "the" and reference THE PERSON. "We will be having a visit with "A", my child's first (mother/birthmother/whatever she wants to be called).

I guess if someone writing that way didn't even know the person, "the xxx" would make more sense, but I get the distinct impression that there is some sort of relationship, and because of that, referencing them in that manner just seems more than a bit odd to me.

[michellemartin]

the asteriks aren't put there by them, the forum automatically replaces the initials for birth mom birthmom when they're placed together because it seemed to be bothering some firstmoms to be called a bodily function. It's obviously not done on purpose to be derogotory, but some people didnt like it.

[NanaC]

Thanks, shelliemart, for that explanation. Now it makes more sense. But, now I'm stunned at the number of people who *do* use those initials! I suppose you are right that they don't intend to offend, but I have noticed that some of the people in question post here *alot*...so you would think that would stop using the initials at some point, and understand that even though they don't mean to offend, it *does* offend. Although, I actually know a woman who refused to stop using them at another forum. She just dug her heels in, in spite of the fact that everyone else told her it was offensive.

[stacyone]

There are numerous threads from the past that address this issue. If you'd like to start another one, please feel free. The admins clearly consider this a "naughty word", as my toddler would say, so they've used the asterisks. I personally find it offensive and don't use it, but if I'm going to call someone on the carpet for it, I'm more likely to do it via PM, not on a thread soliciting advice.

34andhopeful: it's really hard to know the "right" thing to do, isn't it? Perhaps you could send her a note asking her what level of contact she would prefer. Tell her you don't want to intrude, and if she's not comfortable yet, that's fine, but you wanted to make sure she's okay. Does she know that you're talking to her Mom? Maybe you could tell her to relay to her Mom, who could relay to you, what she'd like right now. A note once a month with an update and a couple of snapshots? Nothing for 3 months?