[Nicole28]

I am wondering how many birthmothers out there are actively searching or plan on searching for the children they relinquished to adoption. It seems to me that the majority probably are not searching and most likely will never attempt to - I would assume that most birthmothers now have husbands and families, and searching for their relinquished children seems like it would completely disrupt the ' normalcy' that they have established within their family. I posted a message on here a couple days ago urging birthmom's to search, too, since they are more likely to succeed than their adopted children are. I am curious to find out how many birthmom's are searching, and how they are going about finding information, etc. What makes a birthmom want to find her child? When is the 'right time' for a birthmom to begin searching? Feedback from a different perspective - a birthmom's - would be interesting to me.

[VermontGirl]

Nicole28 - you bring up a great topic. As an adoptee, I too am interested in bmother responces!

[bmom2isabel]

Nicole and VermontGirl,

I am a birthmom in an open adoption. My daughter is 5 1/2, and we have annual contact together.

While I cannot speak from the perspective of a birthparent in a closed adoption, or who has otherwise lost contact with released children, I can speak only from my experiences, and what I might feel otherwise.

It must be very scary for birthmoms to open those doors again, to search for a part of them they have lived physically without for so many years. Not all birthmoms search, for many reasons. It can be too painful to relive what happened so many years ago. Many birthmoms do have a fear of rejection from their released children, and cannot fathom feeling that way. Some would not want to disturb their child's now grown-up life, believing there would be no room for her in it. Some can only think of their baby as simply that - the baby they held in their arms, heard crying for just moments before being whisked away. To accept that their baby is now an adult can shatter their fantasies and memories. Sometimes, some families try to force their daughters to "forget" they ever had a baby, that she was even pregnant. This can be a tough mindset to break.

Many will search to form a relationship once severed, or to see for themselves their baby has grown up properly, to become the man or woman the birthparents hoped that baby to become. Others will search to find out if their child has questions, and just to tell their child they only did the best they knew how.

It is not always easier for birthparents to find their children. Birth certificates are changed when the adoption is complete. Sometimes, event the birthdate is changed. There are laws in place to protect the privacy of the birthparents, but also some states have laws to protect the privacy of the adoptee.

Your birthparents may be searching for you, and may not have found you yet. A friend told me a saying once, "Man proposes; God Disposes." Meaning, what we want when we want it, is not necessarily what we need when we need it. Be patient. You will find each other when and if you really need to.

Best of luck to both of you!

Always,
Shannon
Birthmom to Isabel, age 5 1/2

[Dixierae]

Hello, Iam a bmom who doesnt think there is a wrong or right time for this kind of thing, its not a game! For me, a day didnt go by I didnt think of my child out there, She found me on my 40th bday, and by my next bday she walked away from me, I meet her went to her gave her help when she needed it moved her closer to me, got her back into this family, then she leaves her husband keeps my two Grandsons and had two more children with my neice;s husband, shes had many tuff days but I tryed to get her help not just send her but go through it all with her I get NO.
I dont understand why she wanted to find me, I cant see my Grandkids, her life is always a mess, I asked her from the start, why did she look for me, she couldnt answer me and with the way things have gone, I can only call my reunion BAD so my ? to you is why do you kids look for us? Is it to cause us pain or to find out where you come from mind you Iam not flaming you I just would love to know.
Iam a good mom who would do anything for her little girl, and Ill love her the rest of my days

With this send if your searching I wish you well and hope its a realationship you always wanted

[l-thompson]

I am a reunited adoptee who searched against the odds for nearly seven years. I was reunited last year with my birthmother, birthfather and 3 full siblings ( yes, they married 5 years after relinguishing me)

Why did I search?? I always told everyone that it was to find my heritage and medical history ( thats a very safe and acceptable reply!) But I searched for more then that......I wanted to know who I looked like...you have beautiful eyes everyone told me...gosh, I would love to know where they came from? I wanted to identify with someone who I was biologically related to. When I gave birth to my first daughter..I had a burning desire to find the woman that had given me life, just as I had for my beautiful daughter. I wanted to know why I was relinguished - did they love me, do they think of me, am I an important person?
I wanted my children to have their rightful heritage - their "true" family tree to be recorded in their baby books. I wanted/needed/longed to know this wonderful person who had given me life.

I am blessed - I have had all my questions answered now.
I am very thankful. My birthparents and siblings share in my life as much as they can.....I was born in Canada but my a/family moved to New Zealand when I was a young girl. My birthfamily and sibs all live in Canada.
Against many odds we have found each other and I don't ever want to take this for granted - maybe the distance thing makes us all work just that little bit harder perhaps?

Reunions are as different as every individual in this world - some run pretty smoothly, others do not.

No, I did not search to cause pain - sometimes the emotions that come to the fore do cause hurt along the way but never was my intention to hurt the very person that I wanted to reconnect with and I find it hard to believe this would ever be a motivating factor when an adoptee made a decision to search.

[RiverGal]

Diana, I'm sorry to hear that your reunion was so disappointing and know your heart must be breaking. It sounds like you b-daughter had problems when she found you.

Sometimes I think both adoptees and birth moms search for the wrong reasons...to get "fixed" or be rescued from themselves. Reunions are fragile, at best. It seems that the more positive things we are able to bring in on both sides, the better the chance of success. Emotional baggage and high expectations are not conducive to that success.

I doubt your birthdaughter set out to hurt you. It sounds like she was hoping for a magical cure for her problems. We are only birthmoms...not magicians. When you said she left you, her husband, and (most likely) her a-family behind to ride off into the sunset with her new "savior," that says a lot. She is trying to find her answers to life outside of herself...and it won't happen. The part of herself that she is trying to fill is internal...it is inside of herself. I was a "runner," one of the people that was always chasing waterfalls and pie-in-the-sky dreams...then I found the answers...love myself.

I hope things get better for her somewhere down the road...and I hope you can find the peace you need. I'm so sorry you had such an unfulfilling reunion.

Debra

[RiverGal]

Originally posted by Nicole28
I am curious to find out how many birthmom's are searching, and how they are going about finding information, etc. What makes a birthmom want to find her child? When is the 'right time' for a birthmom to begin searching?

Nicole: I have been searching since the early '90's when I lost touch with my b-daughter's a-grandmother. I have registered on every board I can find, searched some afamily names that I could remember, and followed up on many tips and suggestions that I have received through forum friends (which have brought me this far).

I can't say that it is any one thing that makes me want to find her, but more just a longing in my soul for closure. I welcome any level of relationship she is willing to offer, even if just having her questions answered. If she says, "I am fine, don't bother me," I can respect that, also. But there is an empty place that I was left with when I relinquished that needs to be filled.

My life is good...I don't need her to complete it for me, only enhance it. I read so many posts from adoptees who are full of questions, and like l-thompson, she may want to know who's eyes she has, or where a certain talent came from...I want to provide her with those things.

It's a tough journey, at best...I hope you are able to find your own answers. In the meantime, we are here for you. There's always support and understanding galore here in the forum.

Best of luck,

Debra

[Angelwings2002]

To my daughter when I relinquished her that "One day I will come and find you". I am not one to break promises. So in 2001 I started my search for her. Little did I know the search would take all of 1 week. If I would have known it would of been that easy I definately would have waited till later to search till she was in her 20's at least. I had come here and read the search boards and how so many people had trouble searching. I figured with my luck I would be one of those people. What was I looking for when I started my search?...I was looking for some sort of closure (something I still have not gotten). I wanted to know that my daughter was taken care of and loved...not abused or neglected like myself in my ahome. That was my BIGGEST fear ...that I had totaly screwed up. Now that I have had some limited email contact from my daughter I feel a tad bit better. She was well taken care of by her afamily. My daughter like so many others has chosen to "step back" from the reunion. I wouldn't even call what we had for the 4 months we emailed a Reunion. More like a question and answer session with me doing all the answering of questions and asking some questions but getting nothing in return. I learned very little about my daughter in those 4 months of emailing. I know her brothers names, ages, what her aparents do for a living and that she has a cat. But nothing personal about her...her likes dislikes..stuff like that. If I had to do it all over again would I search for her...a part of me says "NO" because of what I know from this search for her. But a Part says "YES"...just because I loved the feeling I had when I saw her email addy in my emailbox for the very first time on March 5th,2003.

[clmsie]

Nicole,

I am a birth mom who has not started the search and to tell you the truth I would love to but I am scared to death too. I guess I fear the same as a lot of adoptees do.. rejection... It scares me. I have put my info on the registry but I am not sure if I would dare search down as much as I would love to.... It is not because I do not want to meet my son like I said...
I am married with 2 more boys... My family knows abour my oldest son and I would not have it any other way... I do not think he would ever disrupt my life... It would be a blessing for him to be part of it... Again it is the same fear of rejection..

[Nicole28]

I am not afraid of rejection from my birthmother, or at least that has not occurred to me. Now that I think of it, however, it does make me somewhat nervous, but I like to think that my birthmother would be obliging and answer my questions and embrace me - there's nothing wrong with thinking positive. I can sort of understand how a birthmom would fear the rejection of her relinquished child though - however, I would assume that the majority of adoptees would be more than willing to find out more about the birthmom they never knew.

[shirleyville]

Nicole,
I was born and relinquished during the 1960's era of closed adoption. I made the decision in 2002 to apply for a confidential intermediary to locate my birthmother since I had exhausted all of the avenues I could with the limited information I had.
In January of 2003, my CI was able to locate my birthmother, and she promptly and adamently refused contact of any kind with me. Actually, she didn't even finish the process with my CI -- she had her sister re-contact the CI to finalize the permanent sealing of my records, because she couldn't even bring herself to continue the conversations with the CI. At the time, one of her comments that was reiterated to me was "this is my worst nightmare come true..." (in reference to my "resurfacing).
My birthmother kept my existance a secret from everyone except her present husband and her sister for 38 years, and she wasn't about to bring this to light now. I have a sister who is 14 months my junior, and two brothers who are 34 and 32 years old. She feels that they would never understand the situation -- which most assuredly they won't, given the fact that they will never be given the chance.
She refused to provide any medical information and refused to divulge the name of my birthfather, who was not listed in any of the paperwork in my file. My aunt, who spoke with the CI did send some very vague health information (like "some cancer", "some heart trouble" and asthma), but when I located her, on my own, a few months later, she, too denied contact because she felt like she would be betraying her sister. Keep in mind, now, that I actually discovered that I KNEW my aunt all my life as the mother of a girl who I played on sports teams with in shcool -- and had we run into one another BEFORE she found out who I was, she would have embraced me like an old friend....but because we discovered our "connection", she feels she could no longer even look me in the eye). My birthmother lived with my aunt during the time she became pregnant and my aunt was with her when I was born.....yet she would not give my CI my father's name. I actually went back the other day and re-read the note my CI sent me to "re-cap" her conversations with my aunt, and she said "your aunt seems to know who your father is, but she wasn't about to come off the information" -- yet my birthcousin maintains now that NO ONE knows who my father is....that my mother never uttered his name.
My birthmom knows that I live less than 10 miles from her....as well as my sister and brothers.....but she is somehow able to just "say no" and leave the past in the past. I wrote her an enormously heartfelt letter, assuring her that I respect her decisions now, as well as the ones she made in 1964....that I always have and always will care very deeply about her.....and she has not, and will never respond. My cousin assures me that she will never change her mind on this. She just can't allow any of this to resurface -- not now....not ever.
There are many, many reasons that birthmoms refuse contact....as many different reasons as there are birthmoms who do the refusing -- but I think for the majority of those that do, the biggest factor is fear. Fear of allowing all of the feelings they have kept buried to resurface....fear of facing their families....fear of reliving the past pain and everything else associated with the situation surrounding the pregnancy and relinquishment....fear of letting their relinquished child "in".
These are just my own personal thoughts, and my own personal experience.....but I thought in some way, it applied.
Hugs,
Sally

[sspete]

Nicole.....

Some bmom's have the same fear as adoptees. They are scared of rejection, scared of messing up their child's life, scared the adopted child has not been told they are adopted, scared someone will find out they put their child up for adoption, and the list goes on and on!!! Some of these things plagued me forever until I finally decided I would contact my bdaughter's aparents and just see what happened. It was hard to send that first letter, but I knew I must if I wanted to ever know her. I am a pretty strong woman, and I just decided it was TIME. I put ALL fear aside, and went for the gold. Sadly enough my bdaughter is still not quite ready for contact. This may take awhile, but I intend to be here for her when she is ready. Reunion is HARD!!! The emotions are strong, and the feeling raw. I hope that one day you find the answers you are looking for....You deserve that!!!

Staci

[loveccl]

I have always said I would be there for my son's 18th b-day because then he would be mine again. Thats how I feel. That is how I will always feel. My open adoption closed and then this week I recieved a phone call so for now I know he is ok and loved. I plan to meet with him in 10yrs and 4.5months (his 18th b-day). I love him and have never stopped wanting him. I just did what I needed to do at the time. My son has my eyes my lips my clever nature. I will say that rejection will suck but I'm a birthmom and there are no stronger women then us. Not sure if this answers your question.

Darcy

[joeswife]

I am not a birth mother. However I am a woman that has been greatly affected by adoption. My "step-daughter" I guess she would be was put up for adoption by her mother, My DH is adopted, and I was adopted by my stepfather.

I have talked to DH and DS (The only one of the kids that know of DH's other child).

We do not feel comfortable to search for that little girl. However we want to put ourselves out there for her to find us. DH plans to get the information from his ex-girlfriend (the B-mother) to get the information he needs to get on all the registries he can find. DS already is counting the days till he can turn 18 to put his own name on the registries. As soon as I told him about her he said (9 years, and 15 days till I can try to find my older sister. I guess that means he took the news that he has an older sister well.)

I worried telling him so young but I was afraid of him learning from someone else and that little girl has been mentioned a great deal since DH started his search.

Jennifer

[Sobersally]

Hi all,

I am a birthmother. A brand new birthmother. In less than a month, my life has gone from ordinary to painful. I found my birth dauther a month ago, 3 days before her 25th birthday. That was weird. She was in another country and was confident that she wanted a relationship. Once she got back to the states, she either called me every day or wrote me. Then we exchanged pictures and came to realize there is no guessing anymore. We are related. Up to this point, we weren't sure. We had sent in our consent to the adoption agency to find out. The day after she saw my photo, she decided to tell her parents. The next day she cut off all communication, saying that she almost killed her aparents. Her first concern was her aparents and hoped that I would be happy to know that she was well cared for. She withdrew her consent.

I don't know about any other birth mothers, but this is something I would do again in a heart beat. She hurt me and I have changed so much in my heart. And I know there is going to be more hurt and hopefully more happiness regarding this relationship. I have not given up on her. I won't give up on her again.

I would hope that adoptees who search are fully aware that this is a journey that is difficult at best for the both of us. But I think worth every minute!
Sally