[SchmennaLeigh]

As some of you know, my fiance is not the birthfather of Munchkin. However, he was there from day one through everything. He loves Munchkin more than I ever thought possible and we're both dealing with the adoption on our own level.

But I have a problem.

The birthfather. He occassionally tries to contact me. It bugs the heck out of me! True, the conception was a mutual act. I was not raped. But I was definitely used to the utmost degree. And then I was informed when the pregnancy test turned positive that I was going to have an abortion. Informed. He made the ****ed appointment at the clinic. I fled the state, into the open arms of my family and my fiance.

When he contacts me, I want to scream obsenities. I want to say so many things. But mainly I either don't reply to emails, snail mail, or answer telephone calls unless he gets sneaky and uses a calling card. (I'm not even sure how he got this tele. # because we just changed it. Again.)

I don't know what to do to rid myself of this anger. I see him every time I look at her pictures. (She definitely got the 50/50 gene split. Darn she looks like the two of us combined.) I don't discuss my anger with the birthfather too much with my fiance because he frankly just wants to kick him, well, you know where. I don't discuss it with my mother because, well, she feels the same way.

Does anger fade with time?

[bromanchik]

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. I remember that first year after Matt's birth. I finally told the birthfather we needed not to be in contact for awhile. Eventually the anger faded. I was able to put myself in his place and understand his reactions to things. His birthfather is important to Matt and a part of him. I worked at resolving it for his sake. I let myself really feel it for my sake. Find a friend to scream with. I mean it. Really. It helped me enormously.

[RiverGal]

In my situation, there was a progression. First I was hurt...that didn't last too long, a couple months or so. Then the hurt turned to anger...that lasted for a good year or two. Anger gave wasy to something like disgust...that lasted for years. Now, I'm just numb where he is concerned.

Deb

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would be interested in a civil relationship with him if he was interested in his birthdaughter, but alas, he is not. He pretends as though she does not exist, which angers me tremendously.

I don't know how he can ignore her presence in this world when she looks so very much like him.

[antifloyd]

Jenna:
I know how you feel. My daughter's bdad and his mother have stated that they will not give Amanda any medical history of their family until it is "conclusively proved" that she is his daughter. She's 22 yrs old and looks like an exact mix of him and me! I sent pics to her bgrandma and she never replied. It amazes me that she could not see that this is her firstborn grandchild and want to get to know her, never mind give her a little information!

[Jackiejdajda]

SchmennaLeigh wrote.. I don't discuss my anger with the birthfather too much with my fiance because he frankly just wants to kick him, well, you know where. I don't discuss it with my mother because, well, she feels the same way.

Just my two cents here..

But I think you could (should?) forgive the birth father..

Forgive him but convince yourself that you will never let it happen to you again.. Tell yourself that you will learn how to protect yourself..

I think one of the big fears (dangers) in this is we (some of us) think we have done wrong and because of this we don't have confidence in ourselves..

Its all lessons..

And when you forgive it really is all gone.. (<my personal belief)

Jackie

[SchmennaLeigh]

Hmm.

Point taken.

I've known for awhile that I blame myself for most of what happened regarding the whole situation. However, I think most of the anger stems from the fact that I just need someone to be angry with and if not him, then whom?

I will have to work on forgiving him. Although, it truly does turn my stomach that he wants nothing to do with her. And breaks my heart all at the same time.

[Jackiejdajda]

SchmennaLeigh wrote.. Although, it truly does turn my stomach that he wants nothing to do with her. And breaks my heart all at the same time.

You can't fix him

You can't crawl into his head and make him think differently..
And his karma is going to be his karma..

I think I remember when I forgave myself.. There was a part of me that was incredibly angry that I had not fought them.. Not been strong enough.. My daughter was right with me in my anger towards my mom. Mom was a drinker and was not there for me when I relinquished.. Dad took a pass and spoke through mom..

But when she died I told her (speaking at her funeral) that I thank her for her gifts. (therapist told me that was the way to do it). I said a prayer..

My daughter was pissed with me..She knew what my mom put me through.. But I realized that I messed up just as much as she did.. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life..

So I forgave her and I.. eventually forgave me..

But I told myself (as I said in the other letter) no one will ever tell me what to do again.. Never..

I love that strength and power..

Jackie

[SchmennaLeigh]

I think right now, as I'm working on the "Dear Munchkin" letter for her to read someday, that I'm most angry that I will have to field the questions concerning him and his whereabouts or lack-there-of someday when she is old enough.

How do you explain to a precious, wonderful child that someone didn't want anything to do with her? Seriously. I'm at a loss for how to handle that someday. I doubt that I will tell her that her birthfather was forcing me to have an abortion. Or should I tell her that?

I get so angry that I have to do all of this on my own.

Sorry I keep posting about it...

[SchmennaLeigh]

I guess this is just meant to be my angry phase that we're all entitled to go through.

He somehow found out my number here in Ohio and called tonight to inform me that he's engaged. That's the only reason he called. Not to ask about Munchkin. Nothing.

Heartless son of a monkey.

[aspenhall]

Have you asked him not to contact you?
Maybe you just need space from him....you can be civil, but there is nothing saying that you need a relationship with him.....your only link to him is munchkin and if contact doesn't involve anything to do with her then there doesn't need to be any contact...sounds like he's having a hard time with the fact that you're not in his life anymore...

Just my thoughts.....

P.S. I think you're awesome....I love to hear what you have to say whenever/wherever you post....And your pic is beautiful...very artistic...

[HeavensGifts]

Originally posted by SchmennaLeigh
I think right now, as I'm working on the "Dear Munchkin" letter for her to read someday, that I'm most angry that I will have to field the questions concerning him and his whereabouts or lack-there-of someday when she is old enough.

How do you explain to a precious, wonderful child that someone didn't want anything to do with her? Seriously. I'm at a loss for how to handle that someday. I doubt that I will tell her that her birthfather was forcing me to have an abortion. Or should I tell her that?

It is not your responsiblity to answer for his actions or lack there of them - it is his. All she will need to know from you is how much you loved her. He will have to answer for himself and she will not hold you accountable for him.

If he wants nothing to do with her then what is he contacting you about?? That is confusing to me - yes you created a child together however he can have the same access to her life as you do but it does not have to involve you. If he isn't calling and stuff to get pictures or updates or something on the little one then bud out man - get on with your life. (speaking to him)

Heavens Gifts

[SchmennaLeigh]

Thanks for all the advice. At times I wish I could pull a restraining order on him so that he could no longer call me, but I don't figure a call once every three months is considered harassment nowadays... even though it feels like it.

On the MSN Adoption group, someone (in an entirely different conversation) just brought up the point that anger is an actual emotion and we don't always have to be politically correct about it. As in, "you sound so angry, maybe you should *advice here.*" Ya know what, I am angry. And that's one of the phases that will probably take me some time to go through.

Just gotta keep my blood pressure normal.

[LegallyKim]

Jenna,

Its okay to be angry. Thats the first thing you need to know. I was angry at the birthfather in my situation. You know, in my mind then, it was all his fault. He could have done this, he should have done that, he definitely shouldn't have done a lot of things. We didn't speak for about 12 years. To make a long story short, we are now very good friends and both anxiously awaiting our first meeting with our son in June, which we are going to do together, for our son. People change, and regret decisions they made. Hopefully, one day, he will realize his mistakes and be there if/when your birthdaughter is ready to meet him. In the meantime sister, its okay to be angry!

[Jackiejdajda]

SchmennaLeigh wrote..Ya know what, I am angry. And that's one of the phases that will probably take me some time to go through.

Anger is very nice..

It took me thirty five years to find it.


Jackie