[sspete]

I am the Bmom to an almost 20 years old Bdaughter!!!! Her birthday is approaching rapidly, and I as ususal get VERY sentimental around this time. It seems as if only yesterday I held her tiny, precious little body in my arms while uncovering the blankets and looking at EVERY detail of her!!! She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and letting her go was the most difficult thing I have ever done or will ever do again!!!!!! As I near her 20th Birthday I can only relflect on God's goodness and mercy for protecting and loving the two of us all of these years. It is my hope and prayer that after reuniting last Valentines day she will begin to open up and tell me how she feels about me, about the adoption, and just about Everything!!!! I know this is expecting a lot and I must just relax, but boy what a dream come true.....to only know how she truly feels.

I would love to know from Adoptees how some of you felt about your Bmom's when you were 20. Did you think of Her????? Were you reunited with her at the time???? Did you want to be reunited???? Did you pull back from her at any time during the reunion....If yes, Why????? If you finally did open up....How long did it take you???? What was your birthday like around your 20th.....Did you think of her?????

Aparents....... did your adopted child confide in you around their birthday about their bmom's???? Did you discuss the bparents on their birthdays???? I know my bdaughters aparents said they prayed for me on her birthday......Anyone else do anything special????

Thanks all.....any info is appreciated!!!!

Blessings....Staci

[MURILLO98]

Dear staci,
I'm a adoptee and the answer to your question is yes i thought about them all the time with me i got to see my parents until the day i was adopted and my adopted parents asked them not to visit me and my brother any more and that hurt. because now i have no way of knowing where they are. so when you are sad and lonely think about your daughter somewhere happy and safe waiting to meet you someday. everytime i had a birthday my parents were there in my heart, and that helped. because I would be very happy to see my parents again. I won't even be mad because for what ever reasons they gave me and my brother up, they did what they thought was right for us and them. for some might be angery ,some afaid to get hurt, but all in all they will let you in and love you. but it would not happen over night. like for i would have to get to know my parents all over again for it would be like we were strangers, starting out. some people just have to know who they are, so they would brave all the emotions that would come wanting to know not to know etc.. it is never easy knowing you have a loved one out there somewhere. Take comfort in the lord for he knows what you are going through he can heal you and help you if you keep your faith, so that when the time is right for the both of you you will meet. and it would be worth everything you both went through to get there. hope this helps you god bless

[l-thompson]

Hi Staci

Yes, I thought about my birthmother sometimes when I was a teen. I thought more about her when I turned 21 - that was when my a/parents gave me my adopion papers. It was like wow!! Now I know my birthmother named me - how wonderful to think that she had actually given me a name.

I have to be completely honest - I thought about and talked about finding my birthmother ( it was always my birthmother I wanted to find) but I did not constructively do something until the birth of our first daughter.

As I held our first born, I thought about my firstmom with such emotion. I thought oh my, now I am beginning to understand the love a mom feels for her child. The day my daughter was born, was the day I became very determined to find the beautiful woman that gave me life - like I had just given to my daughter. ( Gosh, I have tears in my eyes writing this...lol)

Now, before I short circuit my computer!!, the answer is yes, I thought about her. On my 21st birthday party my Dad, when presenting me with the "key to the door" whispered in my ear " someone else will be thinking of you today" Yes, I thought about her on the day of my birthday.

I only reunited last year, at the age of 40, so I am unable to answer your other questions. The reunion has enriched my life so much I wish we had been reunited when I was 20....but, everything for a reason.

I have read many of your posts Staci - you sound very loving and understanding, given time, I am sure you and your daughter will have a wonderful "rest of your lives together" future.

Best Wishes,
Lindsay

[Dixierae]

Staci,
hello just read your post first thing I read this morning, you know most of my story by now, I think. 20 is a big time, Iam sure as you are a kind loving mom that in time and in her own time she will open up to you,, if not this year maybe next but you can ask her things. My heart goes out to you and I hope if not this years bday maybe next years, as along as you get along and have a realationship dont worry,,all things take time just let her know youll be there for her no matter what, keep your chin up ok?
My bdaughter just turned 30 in Dec, shes still very upset with me but she knows I love her ALWAYS.....
HAVE A GREAT DAY

[dl]

Happy New Year ~ hope this year brings you more of a relationship with your daughter. Of course, as you know I'm a big believer in realistic expectations and patience. While I know its been frustrating for you I admire you for your patience.

At 20 I personally did not think about bioParents. I was busy with school, working, dating, friends etc. At 21 I got my first apartment with a friend. It was an exciting time and I was very much living in the present.

If you look at young adults, raised by their biofamilies, in their late teens and early twenties, they are doing the exact same thing ~ separating into their own person, finding their own place and discovering who they are as a unique individual. In my experience with myself and others I have known, it is not a time where one is looking to the past or attempting to increase a bond with parents.

It might help to reflect on what you were thinking and feeling when you were 20 ~ aside from the fact that you had placed a child. Do you have friends that have young adult children? Ask them what's going on with their kids. It might give you some insight. Many, many adoptees are no different than anyone else. Many of us think, act and feel the same as those raised by their bioParents.

Take care ~

[sspete]

Thanks to each of you for the replies!!!!! Your support and kind comments really mean a lot!!!! I thank God everyday for the information and support I receive on this forum!!!!

Dlouis......I do remember how I was at 20 and family has always meant a lot to me!!!! Even my very best friends were VERY family oriented so it is really difficult for me to understand when some are not real curious about their bfamily. I know my bdaughter probably is, but she is a lot like me in that it takes TIME to let people into our world!!!!! All of my friends have small children......They ALL waited very late to have children, including me after the birth of my bdaughter!!!! It is interesting to me that some adoptees focus on their bfamilies around their birthday. Though not true for all.....it appears many do for various reasons I suppose??????

[creed_04679]

Staci:
I found my bson when he was 21 years old and our relationship lasted only a few months. He had other things on his mind, college, girlfriends etc. He did tell me however that he did think about me a good part of his life.
I am happy to report that he is finally back in my life now, after a 6 year quiet spell, he is now 34, has his own family is much more ready and accepting than he was at 21. Things are going very, very well for us as I am sure things will for you as your daughter matures and has a family of her own. I am happy for you, things will be fine in time. creed

[dl]

"I do remember how I was at 20 and family has always meant a lot to me!!!! Even my very best friends were VERY family oriented so it is really difficult for me to understand when some are not real curious about their bfamily."

I didn't mean to imply that family was not important to me or my friends. My parents were very important to me my entire life and I continue to be close to one remaining Aunt and several cousins. A friend from high school and I take her mother to lunch once a month as a family bond was formed between our two families. I did not feel like I didn't have family and needed to go find my family. I was with my family. It might be because until I joined this forum I never once thought or referred to myself as an "adoptee". As I've said in many posts, my parents were very open about the fact that I joined the family by adoption, I always knew I was adopted and they gave me all my adoption paperwork in my late teens. There was absolutely no denial about adoption, it was simply a fact of what happened many years ago. That's what I meant about living in the present at 20 and not feeling a need to go looking to the past.

"It is interesting to me that some adoptees focus on their bfamilies around their birthday. Though not true for all.....it appears many do for various reasons I suppose??????"

While I did not "focus on" biofamily on my birthday, I do remember wondering if anyone out there was wondering about me on that day. I guess it's because that is the last known day that was connected to bioparents and it feels like a day when someone out there might have been thinking of me.

[sspete]

Creed.....I am So happy for you that things turned out as they did!!! You are very blessed that you now have a relationship with your son. I am holding on to faith that the same will happen for me!!!!

Dlouis......You have touched on a very interesting percpective. I totally understand that your bfamily is your family after all they are the ones that have been with you "through it all". To me that means as much as anything when it comes to family and/or friends. Your parents sound like incredible people!!!!! I think if I was adopted though the genetic factor would rise my curiosity more than anything. I love seeing old pictures of my "roots" from Years and Years ago such as my great, great, great grandparents I find it all very fascinating.....But then again to each his on. I am SOOO very curious to find out how and what my bdaughter thinks, as I have wondered since her birth every detail of her. Thanks for giving two sides to my question!!!! Staci

[dl]

I totally understand that your bfamily is your family after all they are the ones that have been with you "through it all".

I may be wrong but I think you meant to post "your afamily is your family after all".

I am not saying in any way that there is a lack of interst in or a curiosity in what you state: I think if I was adopted though the genetic factor would rise my curiosity more than anything. I love seeing old pictures of my "roots" from Years and Years ago. It was a thrill beyond belief when I opened a letter from my bioDad last spring and saw a picture for the first time of someone that looked like me. I can't really explain the emotions that I felt, but I do know that I did not feel that I was looking at a "family member" for the first time. My family has and will always be the people that I have lived my life with. I am not in any way discouting the biological connection, but to me the family connection is shared experiences and love built over a lifetime. This is just my own opinion. I have very warm feelings for my bioDad and half-sister that I have been communicating with since last spring but they are my biological relatives ~ not family in the sense of the definition that I give to family. Others may have different definitions of family but to me, family is much more than biological connections. Don't mean to offend anyone with my feelings, but this is how I truly feel. Fortunately, my bioDad stated in one of his first letters that he feels the same.

[sspete]

Dlouis.....OOOPS, You are right I did mean to say afamily!!!! Thanks for correcting me......Hopefully No one becomes offended by our true feelings. After all we cannot help what we feel. You are expressing your feelings and this is what helps us learn from each other and receive different opinions. This is how the triad becomes educated......I for one appreciate your input!!!!!

Staci

[dl]

Love it when people can have different opinions and not scream "I was attacked" We are all individuals and as far as I'm concerned, none of us are right or wrong when it comes to ANYTHING. When it comes to the many emotional aspects of adoption there is certainly no right or wrong. To me, and I believe to you, the benefit of this forum, is exchanging information so when we do interact with those in our biological lives we may have a better understanding of what they MIGHT be thinking. Then again, they could be thinking something that none of us even thought of ~ who knows? This is new territory for everyone.

Thank you so much for not taking offense and accepting my words as simply another perspective of what your daughter MAY be thinking.

Take care ~ dl

[Michaeleen]

Staci,

I read your post and my birthson turned 20 last October. I am just now beginning my search for him. I also wish and hope that on his birthdays that he thinks of me, because I know I think of him. Until you give away a child do you know what its like and the pain and emotions that accompany it the rest of your life. Those feelings are so real and so precious. I hope he is happy and that he still thinks of me often, and that he carries along with him the knowledge that its a given that two different women in this world love him so much. The one who gave him life and the one who raised him....I look at it like a pack between us and god...who led his amom to us.
Can I ask how you found your daughter so fast??? And do you think it was the best thing to do to search?? would you change that experience at all???? Your questions for everyone I loved because I also needed those answers....best wishes to you Staci and I hope things are good for you....Michaeleen

[sspete]

Michaeleen......Thanks for the post!!!!

I found my bdaughter so quick because ours was a private adoption done through my Church so I knew Exactly where she was. The internet assisted me with the address. I was VERY grateful when I looked up the name, and there it was!!!! I also found her name under the birth index!!!!

I would search a hundered times over again!!!! Choosing adoption for her was the greatest pain of my life.....finding her was one of the greatest joys!!!!! I would not change a thing. I contacted her aparents first out of respect for them and it has been a great thing. They are precious people!!!! I wrote a letter to them with pictures of my family, and also one of me the year that my bdaughter was conceived. They appreciated it all very much!!! My bdaughter is still taking the reunion slow, and seeming very uninterested, but I am being patient. It is the only way...... Let me know If I can help you in any way!!!! You have my prayers and thoughts as you search for your son!!!! My heart goes out to you......Staci

[shirleyville]

Staci,
In my teens and early 20's, my focus on my birthmother/birthfamily was paramount! It was in the forefront of everything I did.
The first year that I was away at college was AMAZING for me because I was free to search....free to think about my birthmother and to talk about her with others. My a-parents (bless their hearts) never wanted to talk about it, and made it QUITE apparent that searching was taboo.....so when I finally got out of the house and away at college, I went NUTS, reading every book on adoption the library had, and following every search angle I could follow, because I finally felt free to do so!
If my birthmom would have contacted me then, I would have been the happiest girl on the face of the earth!! It would have been an incredible help to me, emotionally -- and I think I would have made some different choices back then, had I been allowed that "connection".
I have always thought about my birthmom on my birthday....it's as much a part of my birthday as any other "celebration", and will continue to be.
Hugs,
Sally