[Missy M]

Hi All....I have a problem that I'm hoping someone can help me figure out how to cope (??) with....As you have seen in my previous posts, I am b-mom to Tovia age 32, placed at birth in what I thought would be a closed agency-assisted adoption, but by a strange twist of fate, was at best described as "semi-open" due to her being placed with a couple who lived 2 doors away from us and attended the same church, so I knew her well. Our address was 14532 Alexander Dr. and theirs was 14538 Alexander! My mom was her orthodontist, my dad her principal in Jr. High, and her half sister (my oldest) her school mate for several years. I never revealed myself to her or her a-parents and just "reunited" with her 2 years ago.....my initiation. One of the reasons I never "came out" to her was because SHE didn't know she was adopted until she was about 26....OK thats a very short bio and there is lots in between, but you have the basic's and here is the problem:
I don't know what I am .....I am not a b-mom in a "closed adoption" am I? Until my best board buddy pointed it out today I didn't realize that I actually have NO knowledge of what a closed adoption really feels like. (Thanks Shar....you are constantly teaching me!) I am forever being told how "lucky" I was to have had her so close and I even recieved a pm that said they didn't know why I would complain so much because I had no problems compared to most (and its true)....but inside I hurt. I watched someone else parent my daughter and despite knowing that she was OK I wanted to be her Mommy and I couldn't; so I hurt. I don't fit in on the semi list because I didn't have that as an option then. There was no plan no closure no......nothing. I just kinda fell in to a situation that didn't even exist at the time. I have no one who relates to me, even in therapy I felt alone because the group was divided into open, closed, semi, moms whose agreement didn't remain open etc. but no group for those of us {??} whose agreement was changed for the better. (????) Even when I tell my story people are fasinated with the openess and the strange way it became so, but nobody really wants to discuss the feelings behind being 16 and watching your child but never being able to mother that child. I played lets pretend all of her life; even now its hard and very scary to get in touch with my real feelings. I ask myself if it really happened. I ask why wasn't I happier...after all she was safe and I saw her DAILY. I even babysat her on occasion, and Keri (my oldest) and she attended each other's birthday party's. I know its much harder for moms who don't know if the baby they placed is still alive....for the moms who can't focus at the mall because they are constantly wondering is that her? ( I am not insensitive to those issues) I just wish somebody knew..... really knew that my situation was not only unique but also uniquely painful.....I remember crying once and my Mom calling me silly since she was right up the walk...do I even have a right to my pain? Why can't I be satisfied with the blessing I recieved? I use humor as a buffer between me and the pain so much because I have never been able to express it.
I am babbling on and on and I can't really express what I need and feel. I guess I just needed to vent; now I'll go and eat the whole pecan pie I got from Braum's.....Missy M

[Decision]

I understand your post and yet I dont understand.
So you are saying that you had access to your daughter through her life??? but behind closed doors (she didnt know) or you and her parents conversed through the years?
I found my son two years ago. he is now 15. My sons adoption was closed...is it closed now??? Yes I feel it is, but then am I just being selfish and want more?
I to get others saying how lucky I am to recieve a picture, that he wrote to me abiet a rejection letter but it was his own hands writting it. Does this make me feel any better about losing him?? Nope notta. I found that I am personally connected to him in numerous ways...does this make it more open? not in my eyes,what it makes me is green with envy, all the people I know his family knows.....so on and so forth. it drives me mad that he has laughed with my(his) cousins, that he has smiled at my (his) aunt, I could go on. It hurts because we are not involved in their lives, we are not taking part in the daily routine, which would be considered monotony to anyone else, but to us every smile they bestow on another is a heart render for us, because we know but cannot share, we feel but cannot show.
We lay in bed and worry insistantly about all the silly things we shouldnt. Our maternal insticts are crying out but at the same time we are forcing them down.
So are we lucky in that we know were our children are that we have the ability to see them?
Honestly I would prefer not to know, it hurts to know and not be a part of.
Hugs
Melissa

[Missy M]

I knew my daughters a-parents all my life; her a-dad was my Asst Pastor; I didn't know they were adopting a 2nd child but had I known, I would have approached them as I felt they were perfect for the job of parenting her. The adoption was completely closed. I never told them. I wanted to but....I never talked to anyone except my parents about her. Another reason I never approached them was because their 1st adoption was rescended after 8 months of parenting a son when it was discovered that the b-mom was legally married and the b-dad fought for and gained custody. When they adopted her they openly stated they were terrified and had plans to move rather than return this child. Its complicated....Missy M ps



You said:
because we know but cannot share, we feel but cannot show.

and it expressed my feelings...

Missy,

You are falling into the trap of what you "should and should not" feel. The reality is you ARE feeling emotion that is confusing...NOBODY can tell you what is right for you to feel or wrong. People may tell you based upon their own situation how they felt and you on your own accord may say.."well, maybe I didn't have it so bad"....But for someone to say You don't know how good you have it..what are you whining about" only serves to make you feel worse...what does that accomplish? You have a right to feel hurt...with the understanding that we all know that people have different situations to deal with, some worse some better. But they are our own unique situations and our own to process.

It really makes me NUTS when people play the "MY pain is worse then yours" game.

I can understand your confusion with being a child yourself and growing up knowing YOUR CHILD lived right nxt door and you could not acknowlege that...it must have been tough! Hopefully you will come to an accetpance that thats the way it was....and here I am now.....question for all of us....NOW WHAT????

Donna

[Decision]

That is totally it...EVERY feeling should have validation, no one understand us better than ourselves, I balk at the people who say but you have three other children, you should be happy you have them.
NOW WHAT???
A question I ask myself every second of the day. What do we do now that we are aware of these feelings, what do we do now that we know it is okay to feel??
When is the silence going to end and when is my voice going to be heard?
Hugs
Melissa

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by Missy M
I don't know what I am .....I am not a b-mom in a "closed adoption" am I? Until my best board buddy pointed it out today I didn't realize that I actually have NO knowledge of what a closed adoption really feels like. (Thanks Shar....you are constantly teaching me!) I am forever being told how "lucky" I was to have had her so close and I even recieved a pm that said they didn't know why I would complain so much because I had no problems compared to most (and its true)....but inside I hurt. I watched someone else parent my daughter and despite knowing that she was OK I wanted to be her Mommy and I couldn't; so I hurt.

Missy M, do not let anyone invalidate the pain you feel!! You have every right to feel hurt. And you did have a closed adoption. Closed adoption is founded on secrecy. The secrecy and silence in your case is even more insidious because you had a glass wall in between you and your daughter and a gag in your mouth. I see you more as a prisoner of this situation than "lucky". Give me a break. No, you did not have to deal with the unknown, but I find comparing the experiences of grief and loss demeaning and minimizing. You lost your child to adoption... period. You were not her parent. That loss, in and of itself is deserving of anyone's sympathy. You have mine. Allow yourself to fully grieve this loss. You deserve to.

[silverlng05]

Wow amazing....I'm a birth mom (closed) and an adoptee also Ur story amazed me....how you could be so strong at such a young age...honestely...I dont' know if I given your situation ..could of done a better job...(watching without speaking) amazing...Oh how hard that must of been..give urself credit..I can't begin to even try imagine your pain..God Bless..

[l-thompson]

Until you walk in my shoes do not judge or comment...

I have said this to many people over the years when they made comments about adoption and reunion.
I have been told to "get over it..you have found your birthfamily so just be happy"
I have been told "you don't know how lucky you are to have two families"
I have even been told ( my a/parents are both deceased) " aren't you lucky you have a new set of parents now that your a/parents have now gone"

Geez!!!!! Some people are just so insensitive, so judgmental and I am constantly amazed at the people that have the "answers" on a situation they have never experienced.

We are entitled to feel whatever we want to feel. Our emotions are ours and we have every right to them.

Thank goodness we have this forum where we can share and support each other.

[Jackiejdajda]

Missy M.. wrote..do I even have a right to my pain? Why can't I be satisfied with the blessing I recieved? I use humor as a buffer between me and the pain so much because I have never been able to express it.

I do not know if I could have handled what you handled..

I had the completely closed one.. I was able to leave the city I gave birth in and move away. I admit I stuffed my grief and I did go through a period of years where I processed my grief and or pain... but your girl did not know she was adopted..
I wonder what that did to you.
Maybe the lying has tripped you up.. and as you say you have never been able to express how you felt..

How did you do it?
I would love to know your thoughts..

Jackie

[Missy M]

[quote]Originally posted by Jackiejdajda
[b]Missy M.. wrote..do I even have a right to my pain? Why can't I be satisfied with the blessing I recieved? I use humor as a buffer between me and the pain so much because I have never been able to express it.

I do not know if I could have handled what you handled..

I had the completely closed one.. I was able to leave the city I gave birth in and move away. I admit I stuffed my grief and I did go through a period of years where I processed my grief and or pain... but your girl did not know she was adopted..
I wonder what that did to you.
Maybe the lying has tripped you up.. and as you say you have never been able to express how you felt..

How did you do it?
I would love to know your thoughts..

Jackie:

I did what I had to do...there was no choice, I had no role model and there were no rules for seeing the child you'd been told you'll never see again; I didn't act, I reacted.
Jackie, the hardest part was that I couldn't even talk to anyone about her; my parents made the decision to tell anyone who knew I was pregnant that I had a miscarriage thus explaining my grief and tears. No one even knew I gave birth....much less that I had a placed child up the street. I never grieved her, didn't think I should after all she was OK.... and when I discussed it with my Mom she thought I should focus on the beauty of having her within arms distance. It was like "Oh goody...its almost like you still have her...Missy you are soooooo lucky! It was God's will...blah blah blah.
I also want to add that not everything was bad or negative. I had moments that other bio-moms would trade life to have. I babysat her, she was in my oldest child's play group and she attended my church; but just as I wasn't prepared to parent her I wasn't prepared to watch someone else do it; and the only support I recieved was in placing her and going on with my life, but that didn't happen. I didn't know I'd have to watch and pretend I didn't see. You have no idea how difficult it was to know that she had no clue that Gina wasn't her bio-mom. Even when Gina admitted that Tovia was adopted she led her to believe that her a-dad was really her b-dad and that she was the by-product of an affair. (NOT...He was my Assoc. Pastor!)
My only comparison ( I'm an RN )is that there is a reason that family members are not allowed in the surgery suite with relatives; some things are just too painful to watch. I know now what my best board buddy meant in her last post to me...I know I was so much better off than b-moms who simply don't know anything about the babies they placed. I thank God I wasn't in that situation; but gosh it was so hard......MissyM

[Jackiejdajda]

Missy M wrote..Jackie, the hardest part was that I couldn't even talk to anyone about her; my parents made the decision to tell anyone who knew I was pregnant that I had a miscarriage thus explaining my grief and tears.

What an awful trap.. I am sitting here trying to think of what you went through..

When I went for therapy and the therapist saw my pain.. I finally got better.. or started getting better.

But no one saw your pain.. My goodness..

I hope you stick around and share more of your experience..
I can remember watching my daughter (second born kept daughter) in her school yard.. I remember the agony I went through when she had a fight and was left out of the crowd..
I also thought of watching my son.. (bson) like that..

I did not know about him for 35 years.. But I handled it..

Jackie

[loveccl]

At first when I read your post I felt like the people you mentioned. My open adoption closed and I don't know what my 9 year old son looks like. Then I realized that you must have felt trapped all these years. One of the things I think we all experience as birthmothers is the feeling as if someone or something is tugging at our heart so strong we can't breathe. I have no advice for you. I just want you to know that you are a "birthmother" and that in itself is a very strong title and you should need nothing else. I picture you all those years in a old glass milk jug. Wanting to get out to breathe, but you had only enough air to survive. Breaking the glass wasn't an option.

Congrats you survived!

Darcy

[melb]

Hi Missy,
I was in a situation alot similair to yours.I was 17. My father & stepmother adopted my daughter. Not by my choice. You see, they adopted her by asking me to sign "custody papers". The next thing I knew they had adopted her. She did not know I was her mother. I had to sit back & watch her call them mom & dad. I could see her on holidays & such but never over night or anything like that They told her at 12 because I felt she was mature enough to handle the truth by then, I threatened to tell if they didn't.Unfortunatley they had told her alot of negative about me.
Yes, I know the pain of watching, but I also know the pain of not knowing. I placed my bson just before they took her" until I could get on my feet."
Yes alot of people have told me to get over it, she knows now. That doesn't change the hurt that I already feel.
Yes alot of people have said she was better off because they can provide for her better than I can.
I canot give you any advice on how to handle it, I'm not sure how to either!
But IMO you have every right to YOUR feelings, don't let anyone tell you any different.
Feel free to pm me anytime I'd love to talk.
Melb