[hpoleon1]

I just came home from the hospital a few hours ago...without my beautiful baby boy. I feel like I am dying. No book or counselor could have prepared me for the way this feels. The whole time I was pregnant I knew it was the right thing to do and I thought I'd be strong enough, but now I'm not so sure that I can handle it.

I spent two and half days with him in my room at the hospital. I wanted to have my time with him and I don't regret it but I think it made things a lot harder. The whole time I was there, the a-parents were in and out with their families celebrating and oohhing and aahhing over how beautiful he was. People were bringing gifts for the a-mom and congratulating her and I was just there dying inside. I loved it when everyone was finally gone and it was just me and him.

I have a five year old son already and I know that I am in no position to have another child. But how do I deal with this loss? How do I keep it together for my 5 year old? We are planning to have a very open adoption, where I am still a part of the a-families life and I will be part of the baby's life. But how will I be able to see him without going to peices everytime? When does it start getting easier?? I would love some advice if anyone out there understands how I feel!! Is there anyone out there involved in an open adoption like this one? If so, what is it like?? Thank you!! - Heather

[hipretty]

to understand the pain you are in. I am a bioMom looking to adopt. I just wanted to step in here and say I am praying for you. The the feeling you had while you were pregnant: that it was the right decision for you will return, and that you will get solace from that. I have no doubt that the show in the hospital, made you feel even more alone in what you were feeling. I am sorry you were not aknowledged in any way. Stay as strong as you can in front of your boy, even if you break down provately.Blessings to you.
Love & Light, Tee

[hipretty]

What I meant to say was:
I can't even begin to understand the pain you are in. I am a bioMom looking to adopt. I just wanted to step in here and say I am praying for you that the the feeling you had while you were pregnant...that it was the right decision for you will return, and that you will get solace from that. I have no doubt that the show in the hospital, made you feel even more alone in what you were feeling. I am sorry you were not aknowledged in any way. Stay as strong as you can in front of your boy, even if you break down privately.Blessings to you.
Love & Light, Tee

[kmedsker]

My heart aches for the pain you are feeling, Heather. I know what you are going through is almost unbearable. I am a birthmother also and am approaching my daughter's 18th birthday on January 10th. I promise you that if you hold onto those feelings you had while pregnant of your adoption plan being the right thing to do and go on with your happy productive life, time will heal you. I will also keep you in my prayers.
Kayla

[All Boys]

Dear Heather,

I am not here to say that I know how you are feeling, because I don't have any idea. But I do know someone that does God does. And I want to pray for you. I hope that I don't offend you buy praying for you.

Dear God I come before you in the name of your precious son Jesus. I am asking to reach down your wonderful hand and pick-up Heather in her time of need, just as you did in the story of Foot Print in the Sand. Even though it is just a story to most people, to me it is not a story it is very real and I know that you are willing to pick us up in our time of need and right now Heather is in need of your love and feeling of peace in her life that only you can give. The same peace that you felt when you gave your son up for our sins.
In Jesus Name I Pray
Amen

Remember God loves You ((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[hipretty]

Amen!
Love & Light, Tee

[ny'ka]

I am a bmom and I understand your pain.

First, let me commend you on giving your child the beautiful gift of life. It takes a very strong, special woman to make this choice.

No one can tell you when the pain will end. This is an individual journey.

Through this journey, it is important that you be true to yourself. Find the support of other birthmothers. Only they can understand what you are going through. You are going to need their support. They can give you what a book cannot. And seek professional support. It's a safe, non-judgemental place for you to explore your mixed emotions.

You said this is a very open adoption. But you can determine how "open" is right for you. Having a child adopted isn't "really real" until you go home alone. You may find that you need to alter your original plan. You have to be responsible to yourself and the son you are raising.

So often, the birthmom is neglected. My sister placed her 2nd child for adoption when her 1st was only a year old. I sent her flowers. I visited her in the hospital. We spent the first Mother's Day together. I wished someone had done that for me.

Heather, I will keep you and your children in my thoughts.

Be strong and have faith that you will get through this.

[GinnyBinny]

I know how hard the first couple days are. I had decided that I wanted my first visit to be two weeks after my son was born. During those two weeks I was so excited about my visit but also so afraid to have to say good bye again. That visit was the hardest, but I was so glad to be able to hold him again and it was helpful to see him in his new home being well taken care of. The first visits were the hardest but it gets easier. My son is now turning two years old. I havn't had any fears of the pain before visits for awhile now. I look forward to every visit so much and I leave so happy. Seeing his smile is so wonderful. I feel incredibly blessed to have such wonderful visits with him. He has great parents that are so understanding and kind. My son is talking now and at the last visit he looked at a picture of me, pointed at it and said "MamaGinny" and then pointed at me. I had tears of joy in my eyes when he said that. I keep on thinking of that moment and it makes me so happy. I have many great memories like that to think about and smile.

It is going to be hard, but keep in mind it will get better. Keep reminding yourself of why you made the decision that you did.

Things that helped me were journaling, I had a birthmother mentor, I talked about every worry, concern ,or painful thought I had, and I made a scrapbook with my babies pictures

I wish the best for you - Ginny

[bromanchik]

I have definately been there. My son is now 19 and I remember vividly those first months and visits. You are right. No book can prepare you for the reality of the grief you feel and will feel. The important thing is to feel it. This is not something you can get around, you must work through it.

Visit my organization's website and feel free to call or e-mail me. There is support and information out there to help you get through this.

[parents2ubaby]

Heather~

I read your post and the tears are rolling down my face. Although I have never been where you are, I know pain. We are a loving family and we have been trying desperatly to adopt a baby for a little over a year now. We have been through two extremely heartbreaking situations where in the end, there was no baby. Still, there is no baby. I believe that everything happens for a reason in life. For some reason, you conceived this little boy. It was not by accident. God had a plan for this child. He wanted this child to be able to live and grow. I am going to be praying for you Heather. I will pray that God gives you strength and healing for your broken heart. I think of it like this........without people like you, my dreams could never come true. You have not only given your child the best chance for a truely happy and secure life, you have blessed a couple with a dream come true. Your son will one day thank you for what you have done. If you can just hang on to that. Believe me, adoptive parents go through so much heartache and pain on the road to finally finding the baby that God has for them to adopt and love. We truely want these children with all our heart and souls. The family who has adopted your little boy will shower that precious child with more love than could be imagined. We, adoptive families, all feel the same way. That is how I know. PLEASE take care of yourself. Try and find some support and know that I will be praying for you every day that God will give you peace and heal your heart. He will in time. I am here for you if you need someone. Please feel free to write me anytime.
Hugs to you,
Pam

[hpoleon1]

Thanks for all of your support and understanding. I am now working on day two of being without him and it is awful. I keep thinking that yesterday at this time, I was with him and holding him and looking at his beautiful little face. I think I am most scared that he will grow up thinking that I didn't care and didn't love him. How could anyone give up such a precious, innocent little thing??

And Nicholas (the baby) is even extra special to me. He saved me. I found out I was pregnant with him at a very low point in my life. I really don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't gotten pregnant. He made me realize that I was destroying myself and that I needed help. And because of him I got that help and I am now leading a better lifestlye and being a better mother to my 5 year old. I am very scared that this pain could lead me back to the self destructing behavior of before. And I can't let that happen. Not only do I have to do it for my 5 year old, but I feel that I owe it to Nicholas. I feel that I would be letting him down if I went back to my old ways.

I have an appointment on Monday with a very good adoption counselor and I have been praying and plan on taking up church going again. By doing those things and getting my feelings out like I am doing right now I hope that that will make this process a little easier. Thanks again for all of your prayers and advice!!!
And I will include all of you in my prayers as well!! God knows we need it!! -Heather

[denise65fl]

Now your talking. It sounds like you have already made some good decisions for some good reasons. Keep on that path. You have alot of people praying for you. Your five year old needs you now more than ever. I'm sorry the adoptive parents were more considerated. I'm sure they were just caught up in their own moment. Maybe other adoptive parents will read your post and learn from it. I know I have. My prayers are with you and yours.

[heartofglass]

Heather, I know exactly how you are feeling and in your situation, as was in mine, it is normal (at least, that is what my therapist had said). My birthson is going to be 21-years-old on February 19th and it is often hard to believe that time has flown so fast, yet at times painfully. I have times where I am emotionally okay with the decision made to let "Michael" live with a family that could give him everything I could not give him at the time, yet I do have times where I am so emotionally downtrodden that I wonder what I was ever thinking! Luckily, I do still have his older brother, who will be 23 this year, and his two younger sisters, one of which has just made me a grandmother for the first time. I pray to God everynight to watch over "Michael" and to give him the message that his b-mom as well as the rest of the family continue to keep him with us in our hearts. My only hope is to one day have all four of my children under one roof, even for a brief moment.

This may be the ramblings of an emotional woman in her mid-life years, but the feelings are real. Whatever you do in your life never, NEVER, let ANYone discount your feelings or try to push them to the far recesses of your mind; it only causes more pain when they do resurface. Your feelings are your feelings and you do not have to justify them to anyone. I always tell my other children to "be strong when you can, but when you feel like crying let the river flow - tears heal".

God bless you and take care of yourself and your 5 year old.

[Juscuz]

Heather sweetie, I do know how you are feeling too, so I do know that pain you speak of. You tore my heart strings. You are right in that nobody can prepare you for those feelings you will endure after you relinquish, nor will they prepare you for those feelings you will have throughout your childs life wondering, and again when they reach the age of maturity to begin their search. One is never prepared for these roller coaster emotions, but we learn over the course of our years how to take our hurt and turn them into something positive.

It takes a very strong woman to do what you have just done. It is the most difficult thing in our life. You have a little girl that you need to re-focus your energies. In time, this does lessen, and you learn to live life, smile and be happy. Doesn't ever take away the feeling you will have for your child, nobody can take that away. Take care of you first and foremost, and your precious daughter who needs you too.


Hugs to you.

[Michaeleen]

Sweetie,

I gave up my son twenty years ago, and it gets easier as the years go by. But you never forget and every birthday that passes by you wonder. But it sounds like your situation is going to be better the some, you have an open adoption. You will be able to know that your child is happy and healthy and doing fine. There are so many birthmothers that don't know that information and they continue to ache inside because of just that. You will get to see him and when you see that he is happy, that will be some solace to you. You have a five year old who needs you and you will continue on being the strong woman you are to be the mother you have to be to that child. Though you will never be able to replace him......nor should you want to, time will heal some of what your feeling now. You will morn him at times almost like you have went through a death in your family, thats just the way it is and its natural. I remember the pain well, and I am so sorry you are feeling it now.
If there is anything I can do for you please feel free to email me, I am so sorry for your pain right now, but help is out there. And some of us are willing to help you along if ya let us. Good luck to you and hug that five yr old a little more then usual...you both need it! Michaeleen