[Juscuz]

I am a bmom recently reunited via email w/bson of 22 yrs, I am estatic and it has been wonderful so far, he is truly what I visioned him to be and more.

My problem is the hubby. I have been married 22 yrs, not the father, and have 3 kids, my bson half siblings. My hubby refuses to have me tell anything - says he needs time, he needs to sort things through, that this isn't easy for him. That he's trying to protect the family. His problem is major control or jealousy - has always been, but has been under wraps for a long time. The jealousy has caused many a fight with us over the years and I'm not sure how I stayed to long. This is just throwing me over the edge and I'm thinking of doing what I should have done ages ago, but it was always the *kids* I thought of, that kept me in this marriage to begin with. Lost of negative and controling issues with him.

When I question - lovingly I might add, I get *dismissed* or the subject is *closed*, he will not discuss it. My bson knows and says *don't worry Ma, he will come around*.

How do I work on the spouse without giving up the family? Because if it came down to that, this might be the step I need to do it. I don't know.

How old are your other children?

[gmrostanzo]

This is probably the wrong answer but, I have recently been found by my bdaughter and my BF evens knows that if he were against my relationship with her he would have to leave. Not saying that his leaving wouldn't hurt and devastate me. I have longed for my daughter for 25 years and nothing will stop me again from having a relationship with her.

I think if your children are old enough and I would say past 6 would be...I would sit them down and tell them about your son.

As far as your husband goes would talking to a marriage counselor help him to understand your feelings and needs concerning your son?

[Jackiejdajda]

Juscuz wrote..My hubby refuses to have me tell anything - says he needs time, he needs to sort things through, that this isn't easy for him.

I personally would back off and take him at his word.

IMO it takes a while to come down from early reunion... In my case hubby would say something I did not like and I would be instantly angry.. I realize now he was making me crazy *at times* because I was on edge..

Reunion (especially at first) is a one on one thing to me.. Building a relationship with bson or bdaughter is difficult.. Why add more to the pot?


Jackie

[Nomen Dubium]

Juscuz wrote, "My hubby refuses to have me tell anything - says he needs time, he needs to sort things through, that this isn't easy for him."

Jackiejdajda replies, "I personally would back off and take him at his word."

Which of his "words"? That's my question. He says he needs time and then he says the subject is "closed" and he won't discuss it. (That's so disrespectful toward Juscuz, it makes my teeth hurt.) So how is he going to sort things through if the subject is closed? Hmm?

The adoptee is showing a lot of restraint, don't you think? When he and his brothers/sisters do have a right to know about each other, after all.

I second Gmrostanzo's suggestions, both telling the other children *and* seeing a counselor.

Juscuz, do you think your husband would go to counseling with you?

[Juscuz]

Thank you for everyone's replies. My bson is being very patient and is the one reassuring me when it should be the other way around, he's turned out to be one heck of a guy. He's dying to meet his siblings though I know that, and I'm dying to *let everything out*, I'm so tired of being in secret.

Hubby talks about it when he's ready, which isn't at all if I let him. I don't want to keep pressuring him but yet I want an answer- NOW, I've waited 22 years and things have been set in motion - I just want it all out on the table already and this is killing me. He's very bull headed and sees this I dunno as maybe threatening. I can't tell because he won't say or talk about it, and if I force the subject he decides *it's now closed* until further notice.......

it's been 2 weeks since he's entered our lives, and I'm so happy and ready to shout to the world, in fact, he's already met his grandparents and they opened their hearts and arms tohim, it was wonderful.

Hubby won't consider counel because he doesn't have a problem...... one of those things.

I'm short of strangling him or leaving him out right.

[Jackiejdajda]

Jackiejdajda replies, "I personally would back off and take him at his word."

Nomen Dubium wrote..Which of his "words"? That's my question. He says he needs time and then he says the subject is "closed" and he won't discuss it. (That's so disrespectful toward Juscuz, it makes my teeth hurt.) So how is he going to sort things through if the subject is closed? Hmm?

Why try and control the man?

Why not just have a relationship with the birthson?

Why rush a reunion with difficult circumstances?

Jackie

[Sharon]

Justcuz,
it sounds like there are several different issues here, and that your husband's refusal to acknowledge your birthson is just a symptom of a larger problem.
Simply put, you sound unhappy with your marriage (and rightly so, if your description of your husband's behavior is accurate).
Sometimes men can abuse their wives without ever putting their hands on them. Dismissing your feelings is not acceptable. Trying to control you... YOU! A grown woman and mother of four!... is not acceptable.
Maybe it's time to leave this person behind and move on. Please don't sell yourself short. You don't deserve this treatment. No one does. I don't think you will find happiness for yourself or your children as long as you remain in this relationship.
Best of luck to you, ~ Sharon

[Missy M]

*****You Posted.....

"Hubby won't consider counel because he doesn't have a problem...... one of those things.

I'm short of strangling him or leaving him out right."



*****I Say.....
O.K. strangle him; use the insurance money to add a room and move your son in; we'll all come to the memorial service and bring potluck dishes and have a funky good time and we'll all become your son's Aunties and Auntie Jackie and Aunt Sharon and Auntie Missy will visit you in prison every weekend!
Seriously, if he knew your story before now he's had a chance to get used to the idea; go see your baby NOW; who knows what tommorrow will bring? Good Luck.....Missy M

[Juscuz]

HB and I had a major discussion this moring. I laid it out on the table, everything. I do understand where he's coming from, and it doesn't appear to be a selfish thing,he's scared for the kids feelings. He knows that it's a fine line he's treading and that there needs to be no quick decision made, this is life. I understand that. I need him to be supportive of all this, and he's fine with me and corresponding, that he has no problems with, his problem lies in the kids lives being changed, and how they will feel. He has asked for time, and I've asked advice from my dad, a holy man that we need to get our our knees and pray.

I'm hoping the answer lies somewhere in his soul, he knows it, and it he plans on making this marriage work, he needs to see higher counsel. He assured me it will happen soon, so at least there's a positive.

Interim, my bson has met with his gransparents and we've been in communication daily and it's wonderful.

If this doesn't work out, you all will be invited to my divorce party for sure

[bromanchik]

I've been following this thread, but haven't posted because you have gotten such good advice. But now I have to say "Good for You!!!!" Stay strong.

[Jackiejdajda]

Juscuz wrote.. He assured me it will happen soon, so at least there's a positive.

I guess its all about choices..

You sound so strong..

I wish you and yours the best reunion in the world..

[Juscuz]

Mahalo everyone for your replies. You are right, it is about choices, we all have them to make, some may or may not be the *right* ones but that is why we need to take it higher. For I alone cannot make this decision for him. But, I alone, can make the decision that is best for me and my bson.

Who knows what tomorrow will hold, certainly I don't and I leave that to someone who does. But it sure does help to know one has the support to not go through it alone.

Bson has gone back to the mainland and we won't be able to see him until summer. For now, his prayers were answered - *time*. I think this has given hubby the added time needed to make this life altering decision, I think 4-5 months is way enough *time*. Also that my eldest son w/be grad from hs this year, wouldn't that be a nice gift?

But.....if I had another chance to decide whether or not to tell the kids when they are 3 or 13 or 30, I'd choose, to tell them about their brother when they are able to breathe. He'd just have been someone that went away but will return someday. But there will be no secrets and not heartaches to mend later.

[Jackiejdajda]

Juscuz wrote.. But there will be no secrets and not heartaches to mend later.

What a wonderful post.

You are so strong..


Jackie

[l-thompson]

Juscuz:

Love is unconditional - supporting and being there for each other regardless of the situation.

I tend to agree with Sharon, I think there is a more to the picture than meets the eye. In my opinion, your husband is trying to control you and dictating when/how/if you can proceed with having a relationship with your son.
He must realise and understand how important this is to you - why on earth would he want to place any kind of obstacle in your way??

I don't understand. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out well for you all.