My 15 year old daughter is pregnant. She is 7-1/2 months and just told me and her father. She wants to give the baby up for adoption. Things are happening so fast. We've rec'd paperwork from a local adoption agency with bios on 6 adoptive families. Now we're struggling with open adoption issues. Originally we wanted to protect my daughter and told her she should have no contact with the adoptive couple and to spend as little amount of time with her baby after the birth as possible. Our thoughts that this would make it easier on daughter and help to put "it all behind her". But she wants to see the baby, and hold him/her.

Now we're thinking we should say we want no contact with the adoption parents at the time of the birth - however, we want the option of contact in the future.

I would like advice from bmoms who were young (teenagers) when they had their babies and how they feel now about their adoption and the amount of contact they have had with the bchild and the adoptive family. Is it working or not?

[vicrose]

This all has to happening so fast for you..my heart goes out to you. I am not a birthmother..but rather an adoptee. My birthmother was 17 years old when she had me, and it was a closed adoption. Sometimes as parents we want to protect our children from any harm..but I don't see what harm it would do to give in to your pregnant daughter's wishes to see her baby after birth, spend a few days in the hospital with the baby, and then afterwards having open contact with the adoptive family. If anything, I think this will help your daughter in the long run have emotional stability in her life. She has made a very important decision by telling you about the pregnancy, and furthermore by choosing the baby's adoption plan. She is a mother now, and always will be the child's mother....you are her parents, but she is ultimately the mother of this child..and I really think that you should listen to her feelings on this. I cannot imagine the pain of having to placea child up for adoption....but on the flip side..I am an adoptee, and long to know my birthmother. I wish you and your family the best. God Bless...Hugs, Brenda

[KristieMaureen]

Sacramento1,

I, too, am an adult adoptee rather than a birthmother. Hopefully some of the birthmothers on this forum will respond to you shortly.
I'm also a mother of a 9 year old daughter. 15 seems miles away, but I can empathize with the situation you are in. I've tried to think of how I would respond if, in a few years, my own daughter were in that situation.

First, have you asked your daughter why she is choosing an adoption plan for her child? Being a mother at 15 would be difficult, but by your looking for information to help her, it seems to me that she has a great support system. Might parenting be an option, with your support? Perhaps she just needs to hear that you would support her decision if she chose to parent her child instead of placing it for adoption.

If adoption is truly what she wants, it looks as if you already know the options. Completely closed to totally open, and everything in between. Which option you choose depends on what will be best for your daughter, what will be best for the adoptive parents, and what will be best for the child. No one plan fits everyone.

In trying to look out for the best interests of my daughter (if she were in this situation), I would first try to ensure that she fully knows her adoption options. I would also let her know that, if she chooses any form of open adoption that the contract is (at this point) not legally binding - so to be sure to be very comfortable with the adoptive parents and as sure as possible that they'll follow through. I'd ask her what she sees are the pros and cons of every option, and which one she feels most comfortable with. In choosing a form of open adoption, I'd ask if she is sure she can follow through with the requirements of that plan - when she goes off to college, will she still be able to visit once a year as she promises? If not, that will only hurt her child. Does she fully understand that the adoptive parents are the parents, and that she can't simply decide to "drop by" whenever she feels? If not, that's also hurtful to the child and the adoptive parents. If she chooses a completely closed adoption, is she sure that she's comfortable with never knowing where her child is, or how he/she is doing? If not, closed isn't an option she should pursue.

Bottom line, I guess I'd advise assisting her in exploring her options, asking her questions, but not dictating to her what she should do. If you act as support, and let her know you'll love her no matter what she chooses, that's the best way to act in her best interests.

Kristie
Adult Adoptee

[Sharon]

I am a birthmother; I was sixteen when I placed, one year older than your daughter is now. Your daughter is fortunate to have the support of you and her family. I did not have family support; I was not even living at home at the time I was pregnant.
That said, I agree with the other posters that this is your daughter's child, and your daughter's choice. It's her show, basically. Your job is to support whatever decisions she makes. Most adoption professionals in this day and age promote open adoption as being a healthier and less traumatic option for both birthmothers and adoptees. I've not heard of any mental health professionals in recent years who advise birthmothers not to see their babies prior to relinquishment. It really is imparative, IMO, that your daughter see and spend time with her baby after the birth if she's ever to have any sense of closure.
During my pregnancy, I tried to fool myself into believing that I was just ill, that I had a tumor or something, not a baby in my belly, that after nine months I would be "cured" of this illness and could forget about it and go on with my life. This worked out pretty well for the first trimester, because I literally was ill; I felt sick unto death and had to be hospitalized on two occasions because my nausea was so severe I couldn't even hold down water. But by the second trimester, the self-deception was no longer possible. Once the baby was moving, it was no longer possible to imagine that it was anything other than a child, MY child. And it was not possible to prevent myself from bonding with my child; after all, it's not like I could get away from him; he was inside me, my constant companion for all those months, my travelling partner in the most difficult and painful journey of my life.
If you have ever been pregnant then you KNOW what it's like, biologically speaking. The fact that one is making an adoption plan does not alter one's basic feelings for and about the baby. IMO, what you are asking of your daughter is simply too much. Like any mother, she has every right to decide for herself whether or not she will see her baby, and whether or not she will continue to have contact with her child's adoptive family once he or she is relinquished. She is lucky to have a supportive family... but ONLY if her family supports her decisions, not suggests things to her which run counter to both her best interest and her baby's. Please educate yourselves about the benefits of open adoption for both mother and child before rejecting it out of hand.
Best of luck to you, ~ Sharon

[GinnyBinny]

I became pregnant at the end of my sophmore year in highschool. I have an open adoption with my son who is almost 2 yrs. old.

I can not imagine not holding my baby and spending the time I had with him while I was in the hospital. I believe spending that time helped me tremendously. I have memories of how much it hurt but I also have good memories that mean so much to me.
I have wonderful memories of my boyfriend (the birthfather) holding our son and telling him how much he loves him, how much he will always love him and how
much he wishes he could keep him. I have humerous memories
of my boyfriend changing our sons diaper. The first diaper he had
ever changed. I have memories of comforting my son when he cried. I have memories of me holding my baby and saying good bye to being his parent. He wont remember all that I said but I always will. I heard a birthmother say once you have to say hello before you say good bye. I think that is so true.

I invited the adoptive parents to visit in the hospital. Some birthmothers have the adotpive parents there for delivery. I chose not to. Some prefer not to have the adoptive parents visit at all at the hospital. For me it was very helpful to have them visit.
It reassured me about my decision when I saw the adoptive parents light up when they saw him for the first time and look at him with loving eyes. After I left the hospital I kept on reminding myself of seeing them all together so happy. I reminded myself of their love for our son.

I have a very open adoption with my son. We have had lots of visits. Each visit is such a blessing. He has wonderful parents who are very open and understanding.

I hope this is helpful. Best wishes -Ginny

[melb]

I am a bmom. I chose to reliquish at 16 yrs of age my son. I also had no family support. The best advice I can give you is to allow your daughter to see & say Hi & good bye to her child. Everyone needs closure.She will resent you for not allowing her to.
I think the biggest issue most bmoms have is the "not knowing".
Not knowing if your child is dead or alive. Not knowing how they are doing. If you daughter decides to have an open or closed adoption it is her decision. If you can do anything to make this desicion easier for your daughter it is to make sure it is an INFORMED desicion. She might also seek counseling through this.
By no means can she ever "put it behind her". This is not just a mistake she made, this is a life she created. This is a life that she will be making a life decision about.
I hope that your daughter makes the best decision for her & her child. Keep us updated.
My best to you & your family,
melb

[Jackiejdajda]

Sacramento1 wrote..Originally we wanted to protect my daughter and told her she should have no contact with the adoptive couple and to spend as little amount of time with her baby after the birth as possible.

No contact was the way I did it.. I did not see my baby when he was born.. I was drugged for the delivery.. One day I was pregnant and the next day I was not.. I never met his aparents..

That above did not work.. I did not get over it and move on.
I pretended I did.. That pretending (for the sake of everyone) was toxic..

I cut my emotions off.. I lost my memory of that time.
I still can not remember names.. I wish I could remember names.

I have read letters from birth moms who have held their babies..IMO they seem to have handled it better.. The pain hits hard but the grief process starts.. And that is a good thing..
Grief is good.. The emotions get processed over time and then a person can get on with it.. You can't bypass the grief.

I would suggest you get your girl some therapy after she relinquishes.. Someone not connected with adoption.. someone who will just listen to her.. Someone who will not program her into accepting what is going down..

Open adoption is important tho.
I believe holding the baby and having direct contact after the birth helps a lot.. A person has an image.. A memory..
Pictures and knowing how the child is doing is prime..

Not knowing was horrible.. I had to live through not knowing for thirty five years.. No fun..
Believe me you do not forget..

Jackie

[Dianna]

I am glad you are seeking a wide range of input. I am an older adoptive Mom and am about the age of a young grandparent for my youngest child. If my daughter got pregnant, I would raise her child. We also have a couple of nieces who got pregnant at young ages. Their mothers helped out until they grew up enough to take over. They did.

The one thing I have gotten from these forums is how painful it is to let go of this person who is your grandchild, and a precious gift from God. It must be right in many instances however, because a lot of people do it and live with their decisions.

I have another niece who opted to have an abortion. I look at my sister-in-law and her first grandchild was aborted. To me that is sad. But I must add that a lifetime of infertility has shaped my outlook on this. Take care and best wishes.

[crayons]

Please let her see and hold her baby all she wants!

If she does let her baby be adopted and wants open adoption, she should make sure she has a binding court order, so the open door doesn't close on her and her baby. Photos from the hospital, I was 15 and pregnant and my baby daughter was born when I was 16, I held her once and next thing I know the nurses were unwrapping her fingers from around mine and I never saw her again and was told I would not be allowed to have any baby photos of her, a clip of hair or anything, You are one special mom, lady, sounds like you would make a wonderful grandmother, if your daughter decides to keep her baby.
Please follow your hearts, I wish so much I had a choice, my baby was born because of an attack and my mother and family still wasn't there for me, your daughter and her baby are blessed already, they have someone like you, there for them : )

Best wishes to you and your daughter and grandchild, I hope they never have to spend years searching for each other, my search has been 14 years, some have search for so many more, because of closed adoption than I did not choose.

[condetti123]

Hi. I just wanted to let you know how this birthmom is feeling... 15 years down the road. I got pregnant at 17 and did not have any support from boyfriend or my parents. I also did not have any pre or post counseling. This is the key right here for your daughter to get through this- whatever her decision may be. I know at 17 that I did not have this and was never gave options on a decision about my daughter. I was told closed adoption is the answer- I didn't even know that open adoption existed. I will tell you that with no options, no counseling, and no assurance over the years that she is ok is the very things that are holding me back today. I have three other children now that I am raising and I am finally realizing after 15 years of worrying about my daughter that I have to get help. My life has never been a happy one since I placed my daughter up for adoption. I have only made it through the years because of my children and my husband. I never really had good self-esteem before I was pregnant with my daughter and especially not since. I have had hard times dealing with this over the years but the past several years have been worse and forced me to know I needed counseling. Of course I did, I never got in when I needed it, so long ago. My advice is for you to stand by your daughter and get her into some guidance counseling right now regarding this issue. Also, let her know that you will support her no matter what she decides to do. Let her decide, it is her baby. I would not suggest a closed adoption. I feel that it brings too much pain, worry and grief. I think that it is wonderful that you are on this forum, trying to find some support and advice regarding this very big decision that your daughter will have to make very soon. COUNSELING- PRE AND POST!!! NO MATTER WHAT!!! Most important thing that you can do for her. I did not know anything about the adoptive parents and I said that when she was born that I did not want to see her because I knew that if I did that I would change my mind. I had to have a cesearen delivery and the next day, I changed my mind. I asked if I could just see her, not hold her. I knew that if I held her, that I definately would change my mind. I did see her but that is all. I wish so much now that I would have held her. I think that might be a good idea for your daughter, no matter what she decides. Thank you so much for being there for your daughter. I will be praying for your daughter, as well as your family as you work through this to make the best decision for her child and for your daughter. Hugs!!! God bless. Keep us updated.

[denise65fl]

I am a mother hoping to adopt, but in researching information about adoption I read a book called 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. It gave me a different perspective. Basically what it comes down to is, the unknown is always the hardest to deal with. And you can never have too many people that love you. Look for the adoptive family carefully and you may all be blessed. No matter what happens your daughter will always have a special spot in her babies heart because she gave it life. You can not stop her from loving the baby just because she can not raise it.

She is lucky to have you. My prayers are with you and I hope for a happy ending for you and you family.

[Free_to_be_me]

I made an adoption plan when I was 17 years old. It is a completely open adoption.

When I was making decisions about openness, I actually dropped an agency because they would not give me the freedom to made my won decisions about my child's future.

I knew from the beginning that I needed to have an open adoption. It wasn't that I wanted to, I needed to.

Of course, openness didn't take away all of the pain, but it did take away the mystery. I would not have been able to handle not knowing where my baby was and how she was doing. I would not have made an adoption plan if I had not been confident that I would be able to have contact. It absolutely would not have happened.

Even though I have known exactly where my birthdaughter was since the beginning, every once in a while I will see a little girl and have a panicked thought "Is that her?" If I did not know where she was, I probably would have freaked out by now and would be emotionally lost.

For me, openness did not make the adoption harder, openness made it possible.

[kmedsker]

17 years ago I became pregnant and felt I could not seek the council of my parents so I ended up giving birth to a beautiful baby girl on my 20th birthday without anyone close to me knowing about it. I spent one hour with my daughter holding her, loving and crying on her. It became very real to me how unprepared I was to become a mother when she began crying. How wonderful your daughter is able to turn to you during this difficult time! And how wonderful that you are seeking input from other people on how best to help your daughter. I agree that the decisions should be left up to your daughter, with your loving input and support. Keep us posted.....

[sspete]

As a bmom to a 19 year old daughter I have been where your daughter is!!!! I was 17 (barely) at the time of her birth and still hold the memory of her precious beautiful face inside my heart!!! In the early 80's open adoptions were just beginning, but they were basically unheard of in my small town. I really cannot answer about how I would have done then, but now looking back I wish I would have had an open adoption, HANDS DOWN!!!!! Atleast some of the worry of how she was would have been a lot less traumatic!!! Please, as young as she is she is still this babies mother. Let her make her OWN decisions. However long she wants to spend with the baby LET HER.....She and her baby deserve time. My two regrets are NOT spending more time with my baby and not having an open adoption (even if only semi-open). After my bdaughter was born the hospital social worker seemed to RUSH our visit....allow her all the time she needs for HER well being!!! I truly wish you the best of luck!!! Many blessings and prayers headed your way!!!! Staci

[renee34]

I am a adoptive mom and I have a open adoption. I feel that for your daughter to heal she needs to have the option to see her child. Even if she CHOOSES to never see her child at least it is HER choice.
My son's b-mom has the option to call any time and if we are not doing any thing we will set up time for them to get together. The choice to call is hers. I don't ever have to worry that some day some one is going to walk up to him and say I am your mom. He will already know the circumstance. Also this way she can be part of the discusson when he has questions.
I hope you decide to have a open adoption. For her and her child. Good luck and bless you.