[AMom2Two]

I have respectfully deleted all of my posts on this thread. I just read this thread from happy2behere... Sorry for the confusion this may cause.

*****************************************

Just was talking to the second birthmom, and she said the agency called & had seen my posts about the first birthmother changing her mind, and wanted to know how she felt, etc.
I feel hurt & betrayed by the agency. I thought this was a place to go to talk, vent, laugh & cry. But, now that some of the stuff I wrote got back to the second birthmother- which is no big deal, but now I feel violated by the agency, and don't wish to post in here any longer.

[LegallyKim]

Originally posted by AMom2Two
I was very surprised when the social worker told me that we have a 50/50 chance of having a completely open adoption.

50/50? Wow! That does seem unrealistic given the posts in this forum. I could not imagine wanting a closed adoption. I'm not judging anyone, it is just beyond my ability to imagine. I just would have thought it would be more 90/10 than 50/50. I also cannot believe that you would be "booted out of the agency" for declining to be matched with a bmom who prefers a closed adoption. That makes no sense to me. More research should be done on that subject as well. Its very hard on everyone when one wants open adoption and the other doesn't. It seems you are in between a rock and a hard place because of course you open adoption for your second child since your first one has that. It seems it would be extra difficult for your second child to see the first child enjoying that priviledge. On the other hand, if you refuse a closed adoption, you have to start all over with a new agency and the wait for a second child. I do hope it works out that they match you with a bmom who wants open adoption. I also wish that the agencies would make counseling more available to bmoms so that they can be well informed of all of their options.

[AMom2Two]

respectfully deleted....

[dl]

"50/50? Wow! That does seem unrealistic given the posts in this forum."

I was actually told the same thing by the social worker at the agency that handled my adoption and helped me find biofamily. This too is a large agency in a large midwest city with multiple offices. In addition to an affair in which the biomom chooses to stay in the marriage SW said that many times the biomom is no longer in a relationship with biofather and does not want to have the child affect her future relationships or life. A closed adoption allows her to protect her privacy. Also interesting, SW said that only 20% of biomoms are under 20. So often we only think of the young pregnant teenager.

While it may seem unrealistic given the posts in this forum keep in mind that the bioMother that did put her past behind her, that wanted to protect her privacy and move on, is not represented here on the forum. In spite of the posts from loving bioMothers that we see here, SW also has told me that when she initiates contact as an intermediary, there is a 50/50 chance that bioMothers will refuse contact. As many adoptees have posted this painful experience happened to them, as unrealistic as it may seem, it does happen.

[AMom2Two]

respectfully deleted.....

[Sharon]

Again, it seems that MOST BMOMS REPRESENTED ON THIS SITE were teenagers at the time they placed their children. Almost every bmom I know on this site was 18 or under at the time she placed. However, as DLouis pointed out, the bmoms on this site are not "all bmoms"... only the ones who are computer-literate and are seeking support for adoption-related issues. There are obviously a lot of other birthmothers out there whose situations and attitudes differ drastically from that which is typically described on this forum. It seems this forum attracts a certain "type" of birthmother... those who were generally under 18 when they placed, who care about the children they placed, and who favor open adoption over closed.
It is not a bad idea to keep in mind that there are other types of birthmoms out there, although they are not typically represented on support forums, because they are not seeking support.
Forgive the digression (condetti123); I did feel it necessary to add my 2 cents on this subject, please don't chastise me too harshly!
~ Shar

[dl]

I personally don't think the last few posts are a complete digression from the original post. Sacramento 1 was asking for information regarding open vs. closed adoption. It is understandable that most bioMothers on the forum are going to speak out in support of open adoption. I think it's important for Sacramento 1 to be aware that there are many bioMoms that still choose closed adoption so if that perhaps is the choice her daughter makes, she is not completely unusual as 50% of bioMoms do currently make that very choice ~ at least that is the experience of two large adoption agencys. We are also not going to hear on the forum from the bioMoms that have been content with that choice.

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by dlouis
I think it's important for Sacramento 1 to be aware that there are many bioMoms that still choose closed adoption so if that perhaps is the choice her daughter makes, she is not completely unusual as 50% of bioMoms do currently make that very choice ~ at least that is the experience of two large adoption agencys. We are also not going to hear on the forum from the bioMoms that have been content with that choice.

I do not know where you got your statistics, but there is no national record of these type of statics. There is currently a longitudinal study on openness in adoption that has been going on for the past 15 years. It has worked with over 35 agencies across the US. They have found closed adoption to be decreasing quickly and considerably.

I think it also depends on the agencies and the education that expectant parents receive. Which two agencies are you refering to?

[patrisha]

I do have another question about these stats. When an agency acts as the go-between on a semi-open adoption do they charge a fee for this service? If not, could their "recommendations" be based on avoiding the unsupported workload?

AMom2Two,

I would have a problem with an agency that doesn't recognize the wisdom in your request for an second open adoption and threatens to give you the boot if you decline based on that point. I too would like to learn the name of that agency.

Trish

[AMom2Two]

Respectfully deleted...

[dl]

"I do not know where you got your statistics, but there is no national record of these type of statics."

Perhaps I should have put the following in bold:

at least that is the experience of two large adoption agencies

No one posted anything about "national statistics" or a "national record". AMom2Two was sharing what the social worker at her adoption agency told her and I was sharing what the social worker at my adoption agency told me. These are observations based on what these particular social workers have experienced with the expectant women they have worked with. I did not post out of a desire to start a debate on this thread either. I agree with AMom2Two, "I do not feel comfortable posting what agency I am currently using as I fear some people, with an agenda, might call the agency I am using and give them a hard time." BTW, I checked with the agency that handled my adoption and that helped me find biofamily and the fees are the same for open, semi-open and closed. This agency makes all options available but leaves the choice for level of openess up to the expectant woman and the aparents. They do not attempt to influence what decision is made.

While obviously open adoption is the choice of many, closed adoption is also the choice of many. There have been several threads where potential aparents that wanted open adoption were frustrated that the expectant mothers they spoke with wanted closed adoption. A very recent thread "How much do you talk about open adoption" How much do you talk about Open Adoption expressed this frustration. There have also been many posts by aparents that are heartbroken that bioMothers do not respond to their attempts to maintain an open adoption or to open what was a semi-open adoption.

I personally would be rather concerned if I learned that an expectant woman wanted a closed adoption and the agency "educated" her. Sounds similar to AMom2Two being "educated" to not speak of her desire for openness

[patrisha]

dlouis,

I can surely understand AMom2Two's concern if she believes the agency would retaliate against her for naming them. On the other hand, if an agency does set a policy they believe is right and just, then why should they feel threatened enough to retaliate over the disclosure?

It appears this agency seems to have a problem with open adoptions. First they encouraged AMom2Two to not mention it in her profile and then threatened to drop her if she refuses a closed placement. I am hardly surprised that their statisics would have a higher volume of closed adoptions. No adoptive parents that are adamant about an open adoption would choose to use them, and I wonder about the counseling on the birth mothers side.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel that making a child grow up watching their sibling participate an open adoption that was never even an option for them, is a major concern.

Trish

[dl]

"Maybe it's just me, but I feel that making a child grow up watching their sibling participate an open adoption that was never even an option for them, is a major concern."

I totally agree with you. We all have seen how strongly AMom2Two feels about open adoption. She practically begged her child's bioMom to keep in touch. I don't think it is the agencies place to "educate" her to do it their way, anymore than a bioMom should be "educated" to do something she is not comfortable with. There is a big difference IMO between making information about options available and influencing what option is chosen.

[patrisha]

Isn't "influencing" exactly what this agency is doing by threatening to drop her?

Trish

[dl]

IMO, yes this agency is attempting to "influence" AMom2Two and I don't feel that is appropriate at all. I'm glad she left her statement about enjoying open adoption in her profile in spite of having it suggested that she delete it.