[willowhawk]

After reading through this thread, I don't know if there is a "right or wrong" answer. I have a 15 year old adopted daughter, and I know for a fact that she could not parent a child by herself, right now. I also think back to my childhood friend who got pregnant at 16 and was forced to give the child up and never even see him. She had serious emotional issues for a long time and maybe still does. I also am in a situation with 5 adopted kids (2 b-moms) were we chose to do open adoptions with both. Neither one ever followed through, not even for 1 visit. They found it would be too difficult to see the kids. There are so many differing opinions here and I think what's right for one, may be wrong for another. I guess it's all a matter of choice. I am a bio-mom also, and one of my sons at the age of 17 was faced with a pregnant girlfriend. They were just ending highschool and planning to go to college. My son wanted the baby desperately and I even offered to help parent the child. The girlfriend decided on abortion, as this was the best choice for her and what her mother wanted. My son was heartbroken and so was I (my 1st grandchild). They each went their separate ways after that. My son, now at age 23, still mentions his baby every once in awhile. Getting back to open adoption, though, I look at this from my a-kids view point. I feel my youngest is probably OK with not knowing or seeing his b-mom as he was adopted by me at age 2 and never really knew her. On the other hand, my other a-kids were older, 10, 9, 8, 7 when I adopted them. I felt that an open adoption would maybe be good for them. I know now that my 15 year old daughter has many questions she'd like to ask her b-mom, and can't at this point. I guess I've gotten off the beaten path here and may be rambling, but the only point I was trying to make is that everyone is entitled to make their decisions on what is BEST for them. Not everyone feels the same way. I know that I as a grandmother now to 3 beautiful babies, I could never imagine not being a part of their life. They are a part of me, even if they belonged to my a-kids, they would still be a part of me........

[LegallyKim]

I spoke to my son's amom last night about this subject. Ironically, she would have preferred an open adoption as well. (Ours was closed). To the original poster of this thread, I think the posts here confirm what I said earlier. Every birthmom is different, as is her feelings and emotions. I would have preferred open adoption, Missy M insists that closed adoption was best for her, others prefer semi-open adoption - your daughter is going through maybe the most difficult time she will ever go through, after the baby is born, she will have to live with her decision about this very difficult time for the rest of her life, and if someone else chooses what they think is best for her, well, I just don't believe it would be best for her. As a bgrandparent, just love her and support her and help her in anyway you can, but let the ultimate decision be hers.

[patrisha]

Slam me if you like, but IMHO for either the birth parent or adoptive parent to demand a fully closed adoption these days is just plain selfish. Volumes of research support the position that adoptees really benefit from even minimal birth family affiliation as they grow up.

Stacyone's comment "My daughter needs to know where she came from, if she's ever to figure out where she's going." says it all. I remember the awe in my 32 year old son's face when he first visited and was looking at the family pictures around the house. He couldn't believe he was actually looking at the faces of his ancestors for the first time in his life. Even his a/family and close friends say he is more relaxed and focused since our reunion. I'm not saying this has anything to do with me personally, just his ability finally learn about his roots and resolve questions about adoption history.

As far as the statement that everyone is different, and may be "comfortable" with different adoption terms... Well, when we get pregnant before we can parent, or choose to parent a child someone else gave birth to, it should be about accepting responsibility and doing whats best for that child, not what makes us most "comfortable".

Trish

[Missy M]

I won't slam you for simply giving your opinion.....however I hope you understand that what I offered was mine; along with my feelings. I am not an advocate for closed adoption; I simply stated that I don't know if I could have handled open adoption. Despite what numerous statistics state no one else can speak for MY emotional state except me.... As for as doing whats best for my child, I did....I arranged to have her placed in a loving 2 parent home; granted it was closed but that was the only option available to me 32 years ago.
Amazingly enough, the agency actually placed my child 2 doors away from me and I watched her grow up for 14 years. Despite this unexpected twist, I continued to abide by the adoption agency "rules" and only introduced myself as her b-mom 2 years ago. I found it very hard to watch her grow and not be able to have a say in her development; but I did. I made the supreme sacrafice for my child and I never once considered my comfort level. Theres not a mother anywhere who made a plan of adoption that didn't at some point put the needs of the child first. I wouldn't have demanded anything; certainly not demand that I never be allowed to see my child again, { duh } I simply spoke of not knowing if having scheduled contact was what I would have opted for. I know without a doubt I'd have wanted her records open TO HER should she ever want to find me; but that wasn't an option either. I am simply honest enough to admit what I personally could handle that day.
Its interesting that while I don't dispute your stats; no one has ever told me that my daughter is now able to calm down and focus since our reunion. She is a college educated professional with a stronge sense of self so it seems that unlike your son, she mastered the art of becoming focused years ago. Sure she had questions about her biology, and sure she was in awe of finding people who resembled her, but they didn't prevent her from developing into the woman I hoped she'd become. Her a-parents did an amazing job of giving her roots and a feeling of "belonging."
Maybe she beat the odds....I don't know; any stats on kids who do well despite having been raised in a closed adoption setting? Please post those if you do. Thanks, Missy M

[dl]

"any stats on kids who do well despite having been raised in a closed adoption setting?"

I don't know of any"stats", but I do know that there are quite a few of us on the forum, myself included, that feel we did just fine having been raised in a closed adoption.

[lyndalou]

Having found my son who I relinquished 36 years ago has been a joy as well as an emotional roller-coaster for me. Closed adoption was the only option available to me in 1967 & although I would have loved the occasional photo or update, I felt I had no right to "interfere' with his a-parents. I recently expressed my regret over never having held him, or kept him at all, to him & he reassured me that he had no issues with this. He is well adjusted, had a good life with loving parents who did their best to provide a loving environment with plenty of opportunities. I gave him life but they did all the hard work, the nurturing. I prayed for this kind of outcome when he was an infant, parents who would care for him in a way I was unprepared to do. Because of the stability they provided, we are now able to build a relationship as two adults. I'm so thankful.

[patrisha]

Missy M,

If you're looking for stats on success stories from the closed adoption era, you're missing my point completely. I wasn't criticizing the choice you made 30 years ago with the information available to you then. I was challenging any continued support of fully closed adoptions to birth mothers of today, despite the research and adult adoptee feedback that contradicts the previous philosophy of "out of sight - out of mind". I know most adoptees' from the closed era grew up well loved and successful, but if we've learned a way to make it even better for them then a little emotional discomfort on all the "parents" part shouldn't stand in the way.

You were also very lucky. You had the best of both worlds. I'm not sure you would have felt the same way about closed adoptions if like most of us you had no idea where or how your child was. I think if you are going to laud how well your closed adoption worked for you, then you should qualify it by adding that you did get to watch your child grow up for 14 years.

It's wonderful that you consider your daughter emotionally unscathed by her adoption experience. Although my son is also successful, he will be the first one to admit that he doesn't miss having the nagging questions about his adoption story, bio-family, and medical history always hanging around his psyche.

Trish

[Sharon]

Missy, I agree with everything Patrisha said. You know I have the utmost respect for you; I think you are a very strong woman. But there were no options at the time you placed. There was no support for anything other than closed adoption. So you weren't given any options, and you weren't allowed to make any choice. It was either closed adoption or nothing.
And, although you say you think open adoption might be more difficult, you did in fact know where Tovia was and how she was doing throughout her childhood, through an error made by the adoption agency in placing her with your neighbors. There was never a time when you had to wonder whether or not she was still alive; you could just walk out into your driveway and see for yourself, more or less.
I'm not saying you don't know your own mind. If you say closed adoption was the better choice for you, so be it. But the parts of closed adoption that devastate and destroy women's lives, you never truly experienced. You never experienced not knowing where your child was, not knowing what she looked like, not knowing if she was safe and healthy, not knowing if she was alive. I realize you didn't have contact with her; she didn't know you were her birthmother; y'all didn't have a mother/ daughter relationship during her growing up years. But you had, in effect, all the benefits of a semi-open adoption. You saw her in passing from time to time. I realize this was a mistake, it wasn't what you wanted, and it was difficult for you. But don't you think it was possibly just a little easier than if you had given her up at birth to unknown strangers and never seen her again or heard a single word about her well-being? Don't you think perhaps you were able to have a little more peace in your heart than many birthmoms in "closed adoptions" have, because you did in fact know that she was okay, or at least alive?
~ Sharon

[Missy M]

Originally posted by Sharon
Missy, I agree with everything Patrisha said. You know I have the utmost respect for you; I think you are a very strong woman. But there were no options at the time you placed. There was no support for anything other than closed adoption. So you weren't given any options, and you weren't allowed to make any choice. It was either closed adoption or nothing.
And, although you say you think open adoption might be more difficult, you did in fact know where Tovia was and how she was doing throughout her childhood, through an error made by the adoption agency in placing her with your neighbors. There was never a time when you had to wonder whether or not she was still alive; you could just walk out into your driveway and see for yourself, more or less.
I'm not saying you don't know your own mind. If you say closed adoption was the better choice for you, so be it. But the parts of closed adoption that devastate and destroy women's lives, you never truly experienced. You never experienced not knowing where your child was, not knowing what she looked like, not knowing if she was safe and healthy, not knowing if she was alive. I realize you didn't have contact with her; she didn't know you were her birthmother; y'all didn't have a mother/ daughter relationship during her growing up years. But you had, in effect, all the benefits of a semi-open adoption. You saw her in passing from time to time. I realize this was a mistake, it wasn't what you wanted, and it was difficult for you. But don't you think it was possibly just a little easier than if you had given her up at birth to unknown strangers and never seen her again or heard a single word about her well-being? Don't you think perhaps you were able to have a little more peace in your heart than many birthmoms in "closed adoptions" have, because you did in fact know that she was okay, or at least alive?
~ Sharon

Patrisha...Never once in my 1st post did I "laud" closed adoption; I simply responded to a post in which I stated that open adoption wasn't the ONLY option and I am not sure it was the best option at the time FOR ME. It was my only option, but knowing my state of mind it wasn't even best for my child BACK THEN. I was a wreck; I remember taking her into the hospital's restroom and locking the door and forcing security and maint. to remove the door to get us out....I remember tearing up the documents the first, second AND third time the social worker brought them in to me, until my mother threatened to have me committed to the psych unit. I remember having to leave the hospital under sedation. I remember so many things that would have scared the s**t out of Gina; Tovia's a-mom. She'd have taken Tovia to the outermost corner of the world to insure her safety. Thats all I meant by my post. I would never ever tell a person seeking advice that one choice is the only choice, even if I felt it was the best choice. I actually agreed with the post in which you said all adoptions should at least contain a photo and ID for the search thats bound to happen 18 years from placement. I am sorry you disagree that my state of mind wasn't important then but I simply wasn't prepared to walk away from Tovia once a month; it had nothing to do with a little emotional discomfort for me. I didn't think I could, and I couldn't risk damaging her or her family in the process of trying to see. That might sound selfish to you but believe me, I'd have been back in a closed format after the first physical contact. The amazing thing is, I did become able to handle it; I had to.

Sharon....I can honestly say I had a great adoption saga despite me not opting for it. The fact is I saw Tovia daily for 14 years and weekly at church after I moved away. At times I even baby sat her. I have no idea of the pain that other b-moms endure and I would never tell anyone to step into that posistion. As I said my job was to protect her at all costs even from me and for that reason open adoption didn't feel like something I could handle the way it was meant to be.... I DID handle it however, I lived 2 doors away from her and I never regretted it. I wouldn't have described it as the best of both worlds, just better than the "normal??" closed situation. I am in no way insensitive to the pain you have to go thru. I thank God daily for what I had with her. I hope I've made what I meant clearer and I won't post that statement again.....Much Love....Missy

[nickychaz]

As an adoptee, I wish my mom had arranged for an open adoption. I have been searching for over 15 years, but have had no luck. I have spent housands of dollars and many sleepless nights crying and wondering who and where my parents were. Please do not choose a closed adoption, for your child's sake as well as your grandchild's sake. You will not be "protecting" your daughter by keeping her child's whereabout and well-being a secret, you will be harming her!

[condetti123]

I just wanted to say thank you to Nicky Chaz for relating back to the original post who was asking for advice and for people to share their stories. I do not think that the thread starter came and posted her thread to come back and read posts where people are arguing over what other people meant by their posts or how they may have felt. I think everyone's stories and advice are important to share, but I am sure that when lots of people find others advice or stories argumentative and they go back and forth disputing what they feel, I am sure that the original poster of this thread is probably already feeling overwhelmed from all of the different opinions shared and does not care see that. It is interesting to hear from everyone and like others have said, each single person has a different opinion and a different story. Please try to stick to the meaning of the needs of the thread starter. Hugs to all who have shared!

[vicrose]

OK...this is definitely turning into a debate here...we're all supposed to be giving this poor woman guidance. In any case, I am an adoptee...my birthmother had me in 1966, and was not given the option of open adoption...if she had been...I know for a fact that my adoptive mother would of gone through hell and high water to make sure she had everything she needed to help her heal from the loss of having to place me...my adoptive mother would of sent the pictures, made the phone calls..etc. It's such a shame that open adoption wasn't offered when my birthmother placed me years ago...I truly believe that she still hides her shame of having me...but I know deep down that she loves me..with a little counseling and a little TLC I'm sure she could've accepted me after all these years if it wasn't for that **** closed adoption era!!! What a shame.....Hugs, Brenda

[patrisha]

Missy,

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted your comment to Aimee, but I think if you reread it you'll see why. You are the first birth mom I had ever heard of that had experienced a closed adoption and didn't condemn it. After you revealed that you inadvertantly got to watch your daughter grow up, it made more sense.

Continued contact may not be the "most comfortable" arrangement for the birthmother. More than her feelings are at stake. Did you read nickychaz's post? There are many levels to open adoptions. It's hardly all or nothing. Pictures, cards, and occasional letters would even qualify. A very little effort would accomplish so much.

I just panicked when I thought someone was even suggesting that fully closed adoptions are acceptable under any circumstances. I don't think they are, nor will I ever be convinced. If it were left up to me they wouldn't even be legal.

condetti123,

I also apologize for straying from the original post. However, if we hadn't debated, how would Sacramento ever know that MissyM based her success with a closed adoption on a unique experience unlikely to be repeated?


Trish

[LegallyKim]

I am sure that there are many people with a different opinion than mine, but I do not think there are many birthmoms today that would choose closed adoption, nor many birthmoms of the closed adoption era who would have chosen closed if they had any other options. As I stated in an earlier post, both myself and my sons amom would have chosen an open adoption it is truly an injustic that closed adoption was forced on me, her and our son. I am not an adoptee, so I can not offer an adoptee's viewpoint, but I am a birthmom, and an adoptive mom of sorts, and that is where my viewpoint comes from. Although I would have had no part in closed adoption, given a choice, I have not walked in Missy M's shoes or anyone elses who may choose closed adoption and I certainly do not agree with the opinion that nothing other than the child's wellbeing should be considered in the adoption process. Many times the birthmother is but a child herself, who has to find a way to deal with this LOSS and somehow manage to go on with her life, and to often, she had to figure this out all by herself with no help or support from anyone.

[vicrose]

I know I sounded off about closed adoptions..and I had to come back today and rewrite what I said previously....what's right for one person may not be right for the next...but I still fully believe that the birthmother should be able to make that decision on her own..with any coaxing from parents, relatives or anyone else. I am an adoptee and not a birthmother....in my heart, I know that if I ever had to give up one of my children it would be the hardest experience...and I know that I would have to know at all times throughout the child's life that he/she was ok. I would want that child to know that they were loved!!!!! Hugs, Brenda