[SparkyDMFD]

I can see already you're getting a lot of good support from your post. I'm posting as a brand new" grandma".....my daughter, age 17 just surrendered a beautfiful baby girl for adoption. I also am an adoptive mother to 2 grown beautiful daughters.

Our baby was just born on December 13, so the long term experience isn't yet there. I can tell you that so far it's been fabulous. Our daughter called all of the "shots!" This is her show (so to speak) and she's capable of making the necessary decisons...ones that she can live with. We've given her all of the informtation and support to make those decisions. She decided on a private open adoption. We chose the couple whe are acquaintences of ours but live 100 miles away on a farm. They were present at the birth. We kept the baby with us during our hospital stay. My daughter wanted to spend as much time as possible with her before her departure. There ware many beautiful (and tearful) minutes.

We have an ongoing relationship with the adoptive family.....and we have already visited for the first tme, just yesterday. It was fabulous!

Both of our children are in semi-closed adoptions. Their birthmothers have never been far from us in thouught.....but as of now, have not attempted to contact. I have always remained forever indepted to them for thier sacrifices and would welcome the opportunity to share the girls with them. However, my girls are now ages 20 & 17. I am so proud of my girls.....and I would hope their birthmothers would also be! I will always hold a special place for them in my heart.

With counseling, I would consider taking a backseat and letting your daughter call the shots as far as her birth plans. Otherwise, you risk the chance of being a skapegoat for any ill feelings in the future!

Good luck and best wishes!

Pam

[Dreamsofachild]

I was 16 in 1981 when my birthson was born and I was 38 in 2003 when my adopted son was born.

My birthsons adoption was closed (by a-parents) and I had no contact with him until he was 19 years old, but I did hold and care for him for 3 days before his parents took him home. I don't have any regrets except that his open adoption was closed before it the ink was dry. I know I made the right decision and would do the same again at that age.

Now I am 38 and have a beautiful adopted son and we have an open adoption with his Birthmom. I can't say that it's been easy having an open adoption, it's hard work for both the birth and adoptive parents. But we believe that open is best for our child and his Birthmother, neither will ever have to wonder or worry.

We were at the hospital, but not in delivery with her, We went to all her last 3 months of pre natal visits with her (all her choice), We talk on the phone, E Mail and have visit's in our home.

But until your daughter signs away her parental rights, that is her baby and she is that babies mother and your daughter and only your daughter should decide who, what, when, where and how long.

[Southernroots]

Though you have already gotten much wise advice, I would like to add my two cents worth. I relinquished a child 34 years ago and had no clue as to the realities of what living life as a birth mother would entail, nor did I know how seriously relinquishment often affects adopted children. Many of us in that era had no support or information as to the realities of adoption and its affects on adopted children and birth mothers. Like many who relinquished in that era, I know if a child or grandchild of mine were dealing with a crisis pregnancy, I would do everything is my power to educate them as to what a huge lifelong effect relinquishing a child would have on them.

Not holding or seeing her baby will not help your daughter "get over it" - she will never completely "get over" relinquishing her child. Birth mothers have been told for years they will forget and be able to go on with their lives, but, it is not remotely that simple. Relinquishing a child is a painful experience with lifelong consequences. If at all possible, let your daughter spend time with her baby after birth and then make the decision as to whether adoption is the best option. Let your daughter give birth without the pressure of adoptive parents there waiting in the wings for the baby. This is not something an adoption agency or potential adoptive parents will most likely approve of, but, your daughter and her child deserve the chance to be sure adoption is the best option. In my opinion, it is an option that most women I know who relinquished have lived to regret and only in the most extreme situations is it the best option. My opinion as I said - there are differing opinions. But, it is the opinion of most birth mothers I know and I do know many.

If indeed adoption does after careful consideration and counseling appear to be what your daughter choses, most experts do agree open adoptions are best for the children. But be aware they are not generally legally enforceable and the adoptive parents can change their minds at any point.

I am a reunited birth mother. My son found me 2 1/2 years ago and we are now reconnecting and getting to know one another. It has been 34 years now since I relinquished my son but since I bore my son's relinquishment in silence for years, I am now finally dealing with all the grief, guilt and loss that his relinguishment created. I thought I could just "go on with my life and get over it" - I was wrong. Adoption issues can be hidden and ignored for years, but, ultimately generally surface and cause excrutiating regret and pain. Even with "good" adoptions, knowing one was relinquished is often a lifelong difficult issue for many adopted people. There is so much I wish I had known ----

One last thing, I do know how hard being a young mother can be - my first child (whom I raised) was born when I was not quite 17. She is now a lovely, smart, educated mother of three and turns 40 next year. Raising her at such a young age was not easy, but, a million times easier than dealing with relinquishing a child continues to be.


Jan

[Jennifer]

I am in between being an adoptive mom and am still a hopeful adoptive mom, it's a long story but the short of it is after years on our adoption journey we were finally blessed when we were chosen by a 22 yr old birthmom, the bdad was not onboard at first but later agreed. "Our" son was born on Nov 5th, I got to be in the delivery room and was able to cut his cord. We also wanted the birthparents to have as much alone time with him as possible, maybe that wasn't the smart thing but to us it felt right, the heartaches have begun because bdad who in no way, shape or form can provide for his son is fighting us in court for custody. We do not know how this end but all we know is that we have been giving this precious baby all the love and nurturing and support HE needs and will continue to do so even with the possibility he can be taken from us in another month or two.

Please let your daughter do the adoption plan the way she wants it to be, if she wants her baby in the room with her or the nursery... let this be her choice. I cried when the dear friend of our sons birthmom relayed a story of how she was forced to place 24 yrs ago and never got a chance to hold her daughter or tell her the things she wanted to. It made all the difference in the world to our sons' bmom to be able to hold him, keep him in the room with her and all of us and it made a big difference to her to be able to place him in my arms outside the hospital. Support is very important and you are giving all of that to your daughter. I can only imagine how your heart must be breaking also for being faced with such a difficult and heartbreaking decision.

If you want to write me to let off steam or to support you please do so.

You, your daughter and her baby and your family are in my thoughts and prayers...... wishing you all the best

Jennifer

[banjo]

Can you care for your grandchild??? As a bmum I just wish my parents had stepped in and made the decision to care for my daughter - she'd be here with me now if that had happened. I live with regret everyday about my decision to give her up to adoption. I was not ready to be a parent but I would not let my children do what I did...the pain is too great and I did not really feel the pain until 9 years after the birth when my second child was born. Some days I can hardly function because of the pain of it all.
If your daughter does go through with adoption only agree to an open adoption and make sure it is legally binding otherwise just do not do it!!!!You only have to read posts on this site to know that some aparents have rejected the original decision and bmums have had to live with more pain because of it.
I spent three weeks caring for my child before she went to her aparents. That was my decision - legally I should have only had 10 days but I decided that it was my decision and I could make the rules. That is the case - you do not have to make a decision at the hospital - please take your time and let everyone bond with that child!!!! Don't believe anyone who says your daughter or yourself should not - it's uneducated rubbish! I know of a bmum that had her child for nine months after the birth before she reliquished the child. She too regrets it and the cbchild has all kinds of problems - her parents wanted to keep the child but she would not let them. She regrets this as well...Don't be pressured by anyone - take control of that baby - you do have that right as a grandparent. If my bchild got pregnant as a teenager I'd fight tooth and nail to get custody of that child - my grandchild - and I'd do the same if it happened to my second daughter even though I'd be lots older...Don't worry about that older parent thing - there's lots of older parents these days and many only children. Hang in there and don't feel you have to make a decision straight away. Take that baby home, love it and then, weeks or months later if your daughter feels she still wants to adopt then start the process....
Just be there for her and care for that child - ie be the baby sitter so she can still go out, organise childcare so she can finish school, care for that child if she chooses to travel - please make the sacrifice. The whole family will benefit in the long run...

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by banjo
Hang in there and don't feel you have to make a decision straight away. Take that baby home, love it and then, weeks or months later if your daughter feels she still wants to adopt then start the process....
Just be there for her and care for that child - ie be the baby sitter so she can still go out, organise childcare so she can finish school, care for that child if she chooses to travel - please make the sacrifice. The whole family will benefit in the long run...

I agree that her daughter does not need to make the decision right away. However, this is not the grandmother's decision to make. Nor do I believe that it is up to the grandmother to care for this child until the mother is ready. Children need stability from the beginning. They need to bond with a primary caregiver that will be there for them throughout their childhood. Hopefully it is the mother by birth. But if this grandmother is going to be parenting this child then she should be a full fledged parent. I think it is unfair to the child to allow a situation where they will be taken from a parent (at 3 years or however long it takes her daughter to finish school) to be with a mother she barely knows. This is not only about the daughter's life, needs and desires, it is about the child's as well. If the daughter is going to maintain her parental rights then she should be the one to parent. There are 15 year olds who can parent well, with guidence. Get her the guidence she needs to parent, but do not do it for her.

[denise65fl]

Your message as drawn alot of attention and alot of support. My heart goes out to you. It's very overwhelming to me and I have just been reading the posts. You must be very stressed. My oldest is in college his first year and struggling with grades. I know that he will overcome but it is so scary to watch him as he flaunders. I can't even imagine how hard this must be on the both of you. Your daughter sounds like an intelligent girl and you guys are recieving alot of prayers. You guys have got alot of people pulling for a happy ending for you. You show alot of caring in your post. That is exactly what your daughter needs. GOOD LUCK!

[leholland]

I am a BMom who relinquished in 1960 at the age of barely 16. The whole "closed", secret, guilt, shame, stuff was going on in those days. I don't know that much about open adoptions, I would sure suggest doing some intense research before supporting your daughter in any decision. I can only strongly agree with all that has already been said about "closed" adoptions. I heard from my 42 yo daughter in July '03. I can tell you it has been the best therapy I could have ever received. I had shoved so many emotions that have now been released. No, you NEVER forget. I would be concerned with how an open adoption affects the adoptive parents and most importantly the child. Does it cause confusion, conflict, does the birth parent have any say in how the child is raised? What if the bparent doesn't agree with how the adoptive parents are raising the child? I'm not sure which is worse, the years of not knowing, or seeing the child you love raised by others. What do you tell the child as to why you are involved but did not raise him/her? So many questions, so few answers. Either way, it seems to me that there is pain. Much has been written on this subject and I would sure encourage a lot of research. Relinquishing a child is not a natural event for mother or child, and any time you "go against" nature there is a price to be paid by both. Statistically, many bmoms who relinquish are pregnant again within one year. It is the loss of the child and the desire to "replace" the baby that was relinquished. I don't know if I have helped or not, but perhaps given more food for thought. I wish your family the best in whatever decision you make.

[LegallyKim]

You have received a lot of advice on this, but I have to add mine. I was 16 when my son was born and that was nearly 16 years ago. My parents made all the decisions for me and that has made my healing and my grieving so difficult. I was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to raise my son myself, but that was never going to happen. I do understand that my parents were doing what they thought was best for me, but they just couldn't know. My advice to all parents of a pregnant mother2be is to educate her on her options, show her you love her even though she has disappointed you and support her decisions. Of course you can guide her and let her know what you think would be best, but I STRONGLY believe that all decisions must ultimately be hers. Help her make a well informed, educated decision, and then support her on that decision. Because she is 15, you will need to help her research her options and get counseling for her. I have just a little bit more advice: after the baby is born, whether your daughter choses to keep the baby or place it for adoption, please help her with counseling, birthcontrol, etc. Birthmoms do not place their children for adoption and then forget it ever happened. It would be naive to think that is possible. We bond with that child during the time we carry him and it is one of the most painful and difficult times in our lives. Birthmoms and moms2be need love and support both during and after the adoption. This post comes straight from the heart and is one that I am passionate about. I firmly believe that the ultimate decisions must be the birthmothers to make.

[Juscuz]

I have kept up with these posts and as a bmom I must be the out of the norm here. I had a closed adoption, open wasn't even an option at the time. Should it have been I think I still would have chose closed adoption. It is already difficult as it is to give up your precious child. You can only hope and pray that the family you select is as every bit as loving and caring and nuturing as you hoped they would be. I'm not sure I could have handled an open adoption, seeing my child grow up as someone else's and not being able to be the *mother*. You are then the outsider looking in. You want to give advice but know you really have *no right* to say how your child is being raised. Though questions throughout his childhood on how he was doing was easily erased by a phone call to the agency, it didn't happen. I felt that when I gave up my child, that meant for someone else to completely love and nuture the way I would have should I have been fit enough to be the mother, I wasn't at the time. How difficult that would have been for me should there have come a time in his life when I felt, all was NOW in order and I can *take it from here*. Being in the open adoption would have made me feel like it was my right to do just that, and it really wasn't.

I would have liked to have held him longer at birth to remember more than his given name, I would like to remember his smell and touch, something that would last me for a while, but it didn't happen, and I think that they did it for the *best* of the situation. I look back now 23 years later and am thankful how life has taken it's path on both of us. He does not hate me for giving him up, he's grateful I didn't have an abortion and gave him life to a loving family, that I prayed of all his life. It made him the well-adjusted person he is today. I'm not sure if I would have done it differently. He's the wonderful person he is because he had a great upbringinig, something I could not have done at the time, and probably moreso unprepared to do should I have been part of his life growing up.

I sitll love him deeeply and unconditionally, that doesn't change a bit. I love him for the person he's become, and knowing I was the one who gave him life's start, it was his afamily that gave life a meaning. He's so much more precious to me as we continue to learn about one another and knowing that he loves me for me, as we stand today, I can never and will not ever want to replace his amom-she's the real mother in all of this. She's done an incredible job, and to her, I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

[banjo]

As a bmum I am tired of people going on about children being confused about the caregivers in their lives. If children get confused about bmum and amum then we should not be inflicting step parents onto children! Do children get confused about step parents and their birth parents??? Do children who get bought up by a grandparent and are told that they are the grandparents, they're not confused as to who is in charge, as to who is doing the parenting. Children are not dumb...I think that is simply old fashioned thinking that has been dragged into this century and I wish it would go away! I don't believe children get confused - they may be sad that the mother who gave birth to them is not doing the day to day chores but they will know who the primary care giver is. In many cultures grandparents and extended family members still live together and the whole family takes part in a child's upbringing. I'm sure children are not confused in that situation - just happy to have so many people in their lives that care about them and love them. Just my opinion!

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by banjo
As a bmum I am tired of people going on about children being confused about the caregivers in their lives.

They are actually doing studies on this now. It is called "boundry ambiguity" in psych speak. They are finding there is no confusion although there are some feelings of "split loyalties", which happens in many close family relationships. I think the split loyalty issues is much deeper with step parent relationships because many step parents actually parent. Birthparents do not.

[Missy M]

Originally posted by aimeemarie
Open adoption is the only way to go because it does hurt if you have a closed adoption. My husband is adopted and it was a closed adoption and it hurts him to this day. Having a closed adoption confuses him. I also have friends who placed children for adoption and they have an open adoption and they love it so much. They say their children will know where and whom they came from. My husband says it hurts him because he doesnt know where or whom he came from. I am going to adopt and I wont adopt unless its an open adoption. I have seen so many hurt birthparents and adopted children to have a closed one.

Aimee...I am a birthmom with my daughter placed in a closed adoption and I respectfully beg to differ....While openess might seem to be ideal it is not the "only way to go" and for some it might not even be the best way to go; thus the reason for this thread. You say a closed adoption hurts, Honey, adoption involves a loss whether is open, closed, semi and anything in between, and its the LOSS, not the "closed" that hurts. As a b-mom I could not have handled an open adoption at the time but I would never presume that "its the only way to go." If you decide its the only choice you'll ever have then you limit yourself and shut out moms like me who'd like to place in a closed setting. If you keep reading on these boards you'll know that b-moms in open adoptions also experience pain....Missy M

[stacyone]

Sacramento, are you still out there?

As an amom, I thought I'd toss in my two cents. I was present at my daughter's birth (got to cut the cord) and it was the most amazing moment of my entire life. That night I spent the entire night at the hospital w/M's bmom, just talking and talking. The baby was with us sometimes and not others. M's bmom saw her several more times before we all went our separate ways (we were in another state and had to stay for an extra week for the interstate paperwork to go through). I asked H (daughter's bmom) if it was harder for her to see us with the baby. She said it actually made it easier -- she could see how happy we were, how good we were with her.

I treasure the time we all spent together in the hospital. It didn't feel like the baby was yanked out of H's arm and thrust into mine -- it felt like a loving transition. We were BOTH there in the beginning, and both bparents had time to hold her and be with her.

I wouldn't be able to sleep nights if I thought for one minute that the bparents had been coerced into doing something they didn't want to do. I would never want to start out this most important relationship, parenting, on a lie.

We e-mail pics every month or two, send picture packets occasionally and I have committed to going to Florida at least once a year to see M's bfamily. H and I have discussed that at some point this might get really difficult for us, but we're not really doing it for us -- we're doing it for M and for her brothers. My daughter needs to know where she came from, if she's ever to figure out where she's going.

[parents2ubaby]

Hi,

I really can't say anything because I am not a birthmom or an adoptive mom YET! We are praying for a baby to come into our lives. I did however just want to tell you that I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers as you make these decisions. I cannot imagine how hard this must be on all of you. You have been given a lot of good advice. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would try not to figure it all out right now. Let it happen as it will when the baby comes. Your feelings might change completely when you see that precious baby. Then it will become REALITY! Just remember that you can't go back in life. Don't have regrets when there are things you can do to prevent them. If holding and loving the baby even if only for a few days helps your daughter and you cope with the decision to place for adoption, then you both should do that. Just know that you will be in my prayers.

God Bless!