[bromanchik]

First of all, your child is a mother. She will always be a mother whether she decides to parent after the baby is born or not. Choosing adoption is the hardest, and last decision a parent makes for their child. It cannot fully be done until after the baby is born and seen and held. Anyone who tells you differently has not looked at the research.

The research also tells us that open adoption is a healthier option for all involved. Please visit my organizations website. I am not only an adoption educator, I am a birthmom in a fully open adoption since my son's birth. I would not have done it any other way.

[allabouthorses]

If your daughter has any doubts about placing her baby for adoption, don't let her do it. She will regret it for the rest of her life. My bmom was sure, and she still says that she would do it all over again. The road has still been hell for her, because of a lack of support and counselling, but she believes that her decision was right for both her and me.

However, I have heard stories from oodles of bmoms who feel that they were forced to place their children because they were never given any other choices. If your daughter wants to raise this baby, but thinks she can't because of finances, or simply because she's so young, she should be given options that will help her to keep the baby. If you and your husband can't help her to raise the baby, isn't there some way of placing the baby in foster care, with as much visitation as your daughter wants, until she can raise her child on her own?

I am not against adoption for people that really want it, or really need it. I just would hate for your daughter to do what she thinks is "right", only to be haunted by her decision for the rest of her life. Try not to push her one way or the other. The mistake was hers, but the decision is also hers, and she does have the right to raise her child if she wants to.

I will be thinking about you and your family, and wishing you well through this very difficult time.

[May]

I had my daughter when I was 16, so I can relate. She's 3 years old now.. which is crazy... time goes by so fast. I don't so much regret the decision -- it's in the past, nothing I can do to change it. But it was a million times harder than I ever thought it could be. Your daughter will be losing a child, there's no way to put that behind you and move on without a lot of grief.

I can't imagine not having that time in the hospital with my daughter. That's the only time I got to be a real mother, change the diapers, feed her... I still love looking at the pictures of me holding her. I can remember exactly how she looked, how it felt to have her sleeping in my arms. I don't think it made it any harder. Leaving the hospital without your child is never going to be easy.

For the open adoption issue, as hard as this may sound, think less about your daughter and more about your granddaughter/grandson. Keeping them in the dark about where they came from could do more harm than good. I believe that openness in adoption, even if that means just a semi-open adoption, or just letters with no visists, is best for adoptees. This is just from what I've heard talking with others. Of course, if your daughter really feels that it would hurt her to have contact, then don't force it. The worst thing to do would be promise contact and not follow through. Too many people do that.

Even though time is running short, I recommend counseling to help your daughter figure out why she's doing this and if it's really the best option. It sounds like you are really supportive parents, and I hope that if she changes her mind, even at the last minute, you would help her out, at least emotionally. When I was in the hospital, my mom said to me "are you sure you want to do this? If you want to keep her, I still support that." It meant more to me than anything she's ever said. I still felt adoption was my best choice, but it's so much easier to make tough choices when you have people to support you.

[DianeS]

I have not seen any mention of the father of the child in this discussion. Speaking as a potential adoptive parent, it is important for this child's mother and grandparents to realize that the father has almost as much right to the child as the mother has.

Your daughter needs to talk to him as soon as possible, and see if he will support the decision to have the child adopted. If he refuses to sign relinquishment papers and announces his decision to care for the child (with our without his family's help), then many already-laid plans can be disrupted or at least delayed while the matter of custody drags through the court. He should also be seeking his own counseling, to be sure of what his needs are as far as adoption and whether he wants a say in the parents the child will be raised by, future contact, etc.

If the birthfather is unknown, not reachable, denies he's the father, unwilling to agree to the adoption, etc... then I would seek a lawyer's advice now, rather than waiting.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone involved!

[aimeemarie]

Not to sound unsupportive or anything but legally your daughter is the only one that has the right to say if she wants an open adoption or to see and hold her child and to spend time with her child and if she wants to place the child for adoption. She holds all the cards and not anyone else. If someone pressures her any other way its considered duress and people doing the pressuring could end up in trouble.

[lyndalou]

At 19 years of age , I went through my pregnancy & placed my beautiful son for adoption. My Mother was as supportive as she could be , but in 1967 society demanded secrecy & my Dad didn't even know about my pregnancy for many years. Your daughter is so blessed that you are there for her, helping her to weigh her options, caring for her & your future grandchild. I had a closed adoption as that was what was done then. The pain & grief were so hard to handle with no one to talk to. Over the years, the hardest thing to deal with was never knowing if your child was happy, healthy or even alive! I deeply regret never having held him at birth. Luckily, this year, after 36 years ,we were united & continue to develop a relationship that has brought much joy to both of us & our families. Give your daughter the love & support she needs to make it through this difficult time. It seems evident from your post that you are trying to do just that. It is her decision & all of you will have to live with it for many years to come. Seems to me that open adoptions at least give the birthparent the option to see their child & be reassured that all is well.

[aimeemarie]

Open adoption is the only way to go because it does hurt if you have a closed adoption. My husband is adopted and it was a closed adoption and it hurts him to this day. Having a closed adoption confuses him. I also have friends who placed children for adoption and they have an open adoption and they love it so much. They say their children will know where and whom they came from. My husband says it hurts him because he doesnt know where or whom he came from. I am going to adopt and I wont adopt unless its an open adoption. I have seen so many hurt birthparents and adopted children to have a closed one.

[patrisha]

You want to know what a closed adoption is like. It's easy. Just shut your eyes and imagine how you would feel if you were told you would never see your daughter again. She will be "out there" somewhere, you just won't know where or how she is. You think it will be much different just because your grandchild is a newborn?

Don't fool yourself into believing she will go on and "get over it". Unless she is incredibly cold and self absorbed the loss of this child will affect every decision she makes for the rest of her life. Many doctors are even linking secondary infertility to the psychological effects of adoption.

I strongly recommend at least a semi open adoption. IMHO the current movement to open adoption records will make reunion probable for anyone that wants it in the future. Why even bother putting the birthmother, adoptive parents, or the child through 18 years of unanswered questions and medical limbo?

Trish
Former teenage birthmother from the closed adoption era.

[ninn]

First of all-breathe deep. You've been given alot to process all at once. It's hard, I know. My daughter was 15 when she had her first baby. She and her boyfriend discussed putting the baby up for adoption, and decided to table it while they just dealt with all the things that come with being pregnant. I never gave an opinion in any direction-even when she asked for one. I told her that it was her life and her decision to make. Then I flooded her with information on all the available choices. However, I had alot more time to work with.

Does your daughter know how long she has after the birth to change her mind? (It varies by state) Does she understand that she can actually choose to keep her baby and that you will be there for her? The hardest thing to do is to stand by and watch her make a choice you know is going to hurt her. In this case, all the options are going to be painful for her. I was very lucky-my Lisa chose to keep her baby. Angela is now 3 and 1/2. She is alternately the delight of my life and the bane of my existence-depending on her mood that day. SHe also has new baby sister, Hailey. Her mommy and daddy are about to get married, and he's joined the army. Lisa has not had it easy-it will be years before she finishes high school, but she made the only choice she could live with. If she is still living at home with you-wouldyou be willing to sacrifice all over again so that she could stay in school? Is she willing to raise her baby under your roof while she finishes? These are questions that go right out of your head the minute someone says "adoption".

My own son was adopted at age 2 in a closed adoption. My grief has been easier to process because i had time with him-I knew what he looked like, what he's allergic to, what foods he like as a toddler. He's 18 now, and I've begun searching for him. Lisa watched me struggle with that pain her whole life(she's my stepdaughter-older than he is), and knew she couldn't live the the constant wondering. She grew up without her own mother in her life, and always wondered what was so terrible about her that her mom left her. She didn't want her own child to feel those things-even if they weren't true.

I wonder if your daughter is afraid that if she keeps her baby, her life will truly be over? Please hug her for me as you help her make her decision. Personally, I hope she keeps the baby and you get to be a gramma. If she chooses adoption-open will help her give voice to the joy as well as the pain. In either case, I definitely recommend seeing a counselor who specializes in the subject. Sorry this rambled so much-I've obviously got a few unresolved issues on the subjec tmyself!! lol

[Sharon]

"Don't fool yourself into believing she will go on and "get over it". Unless she is incredibly cold and self absorbed the loss of this child will affect every decision she makes for the rest of her life. Many doctors are even linking secondary infertility to the psychological effects of adoption." ~ Patricia


I totally agree with Patricia. She has such a way with words.
Through various support groups, I have met many birthmothers who suffer from secondary infertility. Many of them placed their first child in a closed adoption while in their teens, and were never able to conceive again. In some cases, the infertility was physical in origin, in other cases psychological. Whatever the cause, they were never able to have any more children, and are now past childbearing age.
Think about this. This may be your only grandchild; the only child your daughter will ever have. She may never choose to have any more children. She may never be able to have any more children. It would be nice if she could at least know her child's name, and count on receiving an occasional photo. IMO, birthmothers in open and semi-open adoptions are much better able to carry on with their lives, knowing that their children are loved and cared for. Birthmothers in closed adoptions are often hindered by the fact that they have a child out there somewhere, but they don't know if that child is well; they don't even know if that child is alive or dead. And openness is much better for adoptees in most cases too. Many adoptees have questions about their biological origins, medical history, etc. You can see that this forum is full of posts by birthmothers seeking their children, by adoptees seeking their birthmothers. Why put your daughter and her child through this, when there are other options, better options?
~ Sharon

[ny'ka]

Sacramento1, it is not easy to support a birthmother through the process of adoption. I know you share many of your daughter's feelings of guilt, fear, and confusion.

I was a teenage bmom without family support. It was an open adoption. I chose the adoptive family and spoke with them on the phone every day for three months. It was a relief to know how my child would be raised, what her parents values were, how much she would be loved. The adoptive parents learned about the birthfather and I, and why we chose adoption. The adoptive parents and I chose not to share any identifying information. It was a decision that we were both comfortable with.

I didn't know if I wanted to see my child when she was born. I chose to be placed in the OB (not the maternity) floor of the hospital and waited to decided if I would see my baby until she was born. Her father and I did hold her and visit her in the nursery.

Fifteen years later, I feel confident that I made the right decisions. In the end, that's what is important.

Encourage your daughter to fully explore her feelings and share them with someone she trusts. It will guarantee that she'll be comfortable with her choices.

I had no support when my child was adopted. When my sister placed a child 14 years later, I visited her and her son in the hospital. I sent her flowers. I commended her loving, unselfish choice. We spent the 1st Mothers Day together. I think it made all the difference in the world to her.

Best wishes to you and your family.

[tinazimm]

Every b mom who has responded I have read all the posts and my heart is so touched. I to am a b mom with an open adoption and am so glad I got to cradle my child to my breast and smell her and kiss her and feel her heart next to mine. Truly you must sat hello before goodbye. Your daughter needs to talk to someone who is perfessional in this field so she can weigh out all her choices. Open adoption is wonderful. I am also a mommy to two little girls and my b daughter and my girls knew about each other have spent time together and it has worked. http://www.picturetrail.com/tinazimm my adoption story. Get to knew the adopting family and you may be very happy to know them. She must feel all the emotions. Out of sight out of mind does not work on this. Bless you and your child and I hope all this wonderful advice will help. God bless every b mom who has walked down this path.

[Kay Porter]

I'm not a parent of a birthmom, but I am a grandmother who adopted two of her grandchildren. I'm speaking in terms of emotion stability for all parties. I've had the girls since they were 3-1/2 months old and the only mother they know. However, I've been open about the fact that they are adopted and that my son is their father. The girls are now 6-1/2 years old.

The last couple of years have been long and hard for everyone involved. Because of the circumstances of my having the girls, the birth parents were not allowed to see them. The girls have many questions about who their parents are. I can only answer their questions regarding my son. I have none for their mother. I believe that even limited contact would be beneficial for all parties. As the child grows up, the child will know that the birth parent had their best interests in mind. The birth mother and her family will not wonder or worry about whether or not the child is safe and happy. They will be a part of that child's life even if it is limited.

Both of my granddaughters struggle with issues regarding their parents and why they aren't with them. Only recently did they get to see their father and ask him some very pointed questions. After about 7 months of contact, it was necessary to cease the visitations because of his life style. However, the girls do not blame me anymore for keeping them away from him like they did prior to having contact. They have seen for themselves what problems he has and understand that I am trying to keep them safe.

I am not assuming that your daughter is having any kind of difficulties. Your daugher is young and needs to be able to grow up before taking on the responsibilities of baby. Being a grandparent raising a grandchild is not an easy thing to do. If your daughter and your family could open your hearts and have contact with the baby, I really believe that in the end you will be glad you did.

[niecyjan]

Advice from a birthmom.
In reading your posting, it struck me that you said you wanted to protect your daughter. It seems a little late for that. I am not putting you down by any means. I was a 16 year old birthmom, who gave up her son for adoption. I originally wanted an open adoption, but the father invaded my desire to give up the baby. This caused me to have to change agencies, I was heartbroken. I wanted to be able to know that my son was okay.....

I did however, hold, photograph, and love that baby, until I had to give him to his adoptive parents. Some people may not feel strong enough for that emotionally. And others, desire to at least hold and bond for a short time. This may be exactly what your daughter needs to do "for herself", in order to go through this process. You may not be able to handle seeing the child, but don't push your feelings onto her. Those are your feelings, not hers. She will feel better about it in the long run, having felt the baby and her love, even though it will hurt her deeply to give it away. She is STRONG emotionally. That is all it means. You can not protect her, but admire her for the courage to do what is right for the child.

She needs your support, not your need to mother her and protect her. If you can not handle the open adoption, then request to be left out of it. Allow her the need to know her child is well cared for, so she can go on with her life with less worries.

Take care and do what's right by her, please don't look down on her for feeling differently than you do. That does not make her wrong, it just makes her different than you.

God bless

[Jodempsey66]

Its been 17 years and although open adoptions weren't an option when I gave birth, or at least not one I had heard of then. I will always be thankful for the time I spent with Elizabeth holding her and telling her how much I loved her. It was important then knowing I may never get the chance to again in our lives.

Nothing will make it easier, she will not put it behind her, she wont ever "get over" it or forget it...but she will get through it and the pain will lessen over the years but the pain will remain on some level. Biological mothers dont forget regardless of what some would like to believe. We dont. I would at least suggest an open adoption which will give her the opportunity to spend time with the child if she can and desires to, she will always have the option to close if it becomes to painful later. Once closed however an adoption cannot then be opened. Just something to think about.

I have to say that I admire your standing beside your daughter and supporting her and her decision, so many of us didnt have that. Our prayers are with you and your family. Please let us know how it goes. Please get into counseling as well as soon as possible, both pre and post. I didnt go until 15 years after the fact. It helps.