[FatBirdy]

I was adopted in the 1970's and I have recently reuinted with my bmom....and she says she wants to tell her 3 children about me soon. My question is - how do bmoms feel about their adopted child vs. the child(ren) she raised? Do you feel responsibility for the adopted child? Do you want to treat the adopted child the same way you treat the kids you raised? - and do you - emotionally, physically, finacially, spiritually etc? Do you love your adopted child the same way you love the kids you raised? Is there a level of absolute love for all of your children or is it swayed by the fact that you didn't raise the adopted one? Do you feel less responsibility for the adopted child becasue they have another set of parents? Do you think your love for the adopted child could ever be equal to the child(ren) you raised? I have so many questions and I would love some insight.....I am having issues with feeling like the lesser child. I am as much a part of my bmom as my half sib's are but I am a stranger - the great paradox of adoption. Please, I greatly appreciate your help! Thanks!

[sspete]

Fat Birdy....You brought up MANY great questions!!! I can tell you without a doubt that even though I have only seen my bdaughter at birth I still love her with all of my heart and soul.....Just as I do My other two children!!!! She is a part of me just as they are, and I have always had a tremendous love for her in my heart!!! I do also have a desire to buy her gifts and help her out financially when I can(she is in college). I don't feel as if I "should" she has wonderful parents who support her GREAT, but I just want to, because I never have been able to!!!! I guess as a mom I do have a sense of responsibilty toward her, but want to be VERY carefull not to try to "mother" her as she is 19 years old. She has a mother, and she really has not opened up enough to me to let me know what she desires me to be if anything. We have been in reunion since Feb. so things are fairly new. I CAN tell you however.....I am willing to give WHATEVER she wants me to!!!! If she wants two moms than she will have that. If she wants friendship she will have that too...The ball is in her court.....Afterall she is my child!!!!! Her feelings are VERY important to me!!!! I hope I helped...

Staci

[Chuckslilly]

I am a birthmother. I was reunited with my son 3 years ago. He is in graduate school. We talk online but have only been together once since our original meeting in December of 2000. I have 3 other children all of which are married. I do love him as much as my other kids and realize daily all of the things ive missed sharing with him. I support him as well as i can emotionaly online using instant messanger. He is gay and came out to his parents just moths prior to us meeting the first time. He still hasnt told them that hes found me. I try to include him in all my family ocaisions. He didnt come to either of his siblings weddings this past year. I sometimes get the feeling hes embarassed by me as his adoptive parents are very well to do, we are middle class. I woke up this morning with a feeling I havent felt since before we met the first time. Birthmothers will agree with me about that feeling of emptiness, wanting, needed to see their child. We live 7 hours apart and with jobs and school its hard to get together. I do love him as much as my other kids and so very much miss the chance to expierence everything with him. I dreamed last night he asked me, "How come you never took me to the pond to find frogs?" Sure it hurt, it hurts bad.

[willjack4]

I'm a birthmom searching for my son and i never stop loving him from day one i love him just as much as my other two children.i will treat him they same with whatever he needs me too i know that he's another mom and dad that loves him too. and i would never try to fill their shoes because after all i gave him to someone else who could care for him at the time so if and when we meet i will leave the ball in his hands as to what he wants from me. if it's mom that fine if it's friendship i'm ok with that too.as long as there is some kind of relationship with me or not with me but with his siblings.I'll totally understand. but i will hurt. deeply within my heart since he is a part of me and will always be a part of me one one can ever change that.i will continue to keep him deep within my heart. I love him forever.
.

[FatBirdy]

Willjack, I hope very much that you find your son....you said some very lovely things!

Chucksilly, I wouldn't read as much into the situation as you have. I doubt he is embarrassed of you - not at all - i think that he is probably in a huge transition phase of his life. He's in graduate school (tons of work) and he just came out to his aparents about his sexuality.....that is a huge deal. Please, just give him more time and keep on doing what you're doing. It's great that he always has an invitation to be with you and your family. And I know the secrecy is hard and can feel like a rejection - my bmom has not told my halfsibs about me yet - but if I may guess, I would say that your son doesn't want to drop too much emotional stuff on his aparents at one time. As well, 'coming out' may be about all the emotion that he can handle at one time too. I wish you luck in your relationship!

[FatBirdy]

P.S. and to sspete - thanks for your story....your bdaughter is very lucky to have an amom like you. I am glad that you think of her as your child, just like the other two.....becasue that is what she is. Also, I read another post of yours about sending her the stages of a reunion - I sent that to my bmom (without even thinking that she may take it the wrong way) - and she replied that she loved reading it! As long as you present the material as simply information or at least food for thought - I don't see it as a problem. I have a question for you, I want my bmom to read the Primal Wound....but I am scared that she will think that I am trying to punnish her with guilt.....which I am not - I just want her to better understand ALL sides of adoption (she has trouble putting herself in my shoes - those are her words). Should I recommend that book or is that waaaaaay too heavy? Just wondering since were talking about sharing adoption info. Thx.

[Sharon]

" I have a question for you, I want my bmom to read the Primal Wound....but I am scared that she will think that I am trying to punnish her with guilt.....which I am not - I just want her to better understand ALL sides of adoption (she has trouble putting herself in my shoes - those are her words). Should I recommend that book or is that waaaaaay too heavy? Just wondering since were talking about sharing adoption info." ~ Fatbirdy

I would not, under any circumstances, recommend at this point sending your birthmother ANY material about the "Primal Wound" theory. It is ONLY a theory, and it is given no credence whatsoever by many (I think it's fair to say, most) in the adoption community. It is not based on any medical or scientific evidence.
It has been thoroughly debunked by many qualified adoption professionals. Many adoptees and aparents resent the assumptions it makes; many birthparents are horrified by it. I can't think of a better way to drive your birthmother away than to begin sending her "Primal Wound" material. Maybe someday when you know each other a lot better, you could discuss it, on a purely theoretical level. At this early stage in your relationship, I can almost guarantee you it would be a serious mistake. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think taking this step would run counter to your stated desire to develop a closer relationship with your birthmother.
I am not trying to insult you or your decision to believe in "Primal Wound". If this theory helps you feel better, then that's fine for you. But I would would strongly advise against trying to push or even propose this entirely unproven theory to others, ESPECIALLY your birthmother. It is simply not going to be helpful to your cause. I can't imagine a worse mistake an adoptee could make in the initial stages of reunion.
Best of luck to you, ~ Sharon

[sspete]

FatBirdy....Why I have not personally read the primal wound I have noticed it seems to create much heat and emotions from all sides of the triad. Your feelings are certainly warranted and how you feel is VERY IMPORTANT !!!! If you feel you have experinced the primal wound and/are symptoms associated with it prehaps you could share your feelings with your bmom in time, as the two of you become more comfortable with one another. I hope and pray there comes a day that my bdaughter can share ALL of her feelings with me even if they don't tickle "my" ear they will be from her heart!!!!! Her feelings and emotions on being adopted are VERY important to me as hopefully are your feelings to your bmom!!!! I wish you and your bmom the best of luck in your reunion.....May many happy day follow the two of you!!!!!
Staci

[belueiris]

As a birthmother, I love reading your posts! You always seem to give me a new way to look at things, and keep me thinking, it is great to see someone so open and honest with there feelings, and not afraid to address important questions. I just wanted to share that with you!
Your Friend
Tammie

[Chuckslilly]

Fatbirdy, Thank you for youe comments. My concern is he came out to his parents in early 2000, we met that same year. His parents are older and not in good health. I guess I dont understand why he wants to keep finding me and his siblings a secret. Sometimes it makes me feel like a criminal or something. Like i did something wrong. I dont pressure him and never would, I just wonder sometimes,,, Mary

[patrisha]

Mary,

I have noticed that many adoptees' are even more loyal and protective about their a/parents then other children. Especially when the aparents are older. Some think wanting to know their birth family will make them seem "ungrateful" to their adoptive parents.

Regardless, they need to make introductions at their own pace and comfort level. My bson dreaded and postponed telling his (deceased) mom's sister about finding me. He was worried that she would think he was trying to replace his mom. He was pleasantly surprised about how excited she was for him. She knew I couldn't replace her sister in his heart, and felt it was wonderful that he could have a relationship with me.

Maybe the way his aparents reacted to his coming out has affected his desire to wait before delivering another shock. I think the fact that he was open with you about it says a great deal about his confidence in your character.

Trish

[Decision]

I am not in reunion with my son but I have found him.
I still feel that I can answer most of your questions even though I have yet to develop a relationship.
My feelings for my first born son are actually much stronger than the ones I have for my other children. I believe it is due to the fact that I have not been able to "shower" him with the love I hold in my heart, I am with my subsequent children daily.
I do feel responsible for my son, I worry about him constantly. The sad thing is I know I have no right to "mother" him, while I am allowed to mother my other three. I definetly go through power struggles with myself over the issue of wanting to treat him the same way...at this point why yes I do, the power struggle is its impossible for me to treat him the same way...for he has another mother and to him I am a stranger. If I were to have a reunion with my son I would be terrified of "stepping on his toes" by showing my love and my feelings to him. I am certain this would overwhelm him and I would be terrified that he would run away thinking I was trying to possess him. That would be the furthest from the truth. He may feel that I have no right to worry about him....IMO just because I lost him to adoption does not mean that I am any less a mother to him, I will forever live with the motherly instincts I feel for him, however in a reunion they would be stuffed deep down again because this would make him feel like I was trying to possess him.
I am allowed to have those motherly feelings for my other children because I am raising them. To them I am mother, to my son I am just a woman who gave birth to him...that is the sad thing about adoption.
I know I am spiritually connected with my son, he just doesnt feel that yet.The bonding that takes place in utero is never broken.
though I dont know your situation I have a feeling that your natural mother may be frightened to push you away with her motherly instincts.

Hugs
Melissa

[FatBirdy]

Thanks everyone for your stories. I can use the info to understand my bmom better. I am glad that some (Tammie, thanks!) are able to think about what I write as an adopttee and apply it to their own situation.

Mary - as for your son's secrecy - I really think, in his case, with his elderly parents and him coming out - the secrecy has nothing to do about you. I think he just doesn't want to shake things up more than they already are (for the time being). Do you know how his parents reacted to him coming out and do you know how comfortable they are with his adoption story - i.e: he may feel like he is betraying them if he was to say that he talks to you. This adoption business brings up a lot of feelings - I suspect at this time in his life he just can't deal with them right now....since he has so many others in his life. It's not that he values the other feelings more - it's just that this situation is easier to put on hold.

Sharon - thanks - you're very right about the Primal Wound...what was I thinking? haha. sspete - you're right too, I should just be clear with what I feel - not what a book says - especially one that I do not totally agree with.

Decison - you say lovely things about your feelings toward your bson. I hope you can reunite soon. As for my bmom - when I speak to her about this stuff she says she is so surprised that I want her to be motherly towards me and would rather just be friends....but the problem is - she is my bmom and I want her to care for me like a mom, not a friend. I hope this changes one day. She is talking about telling my half sibs after xmas - I hope that when she tells her kids she will realize that I am the same as them....her child and not a pal.

Hey - I have another question - did any reunited bmom's have differnt feelings or note a change in your relationship with your bchild when you told the child(ren) that you raised??

[Decision]

Just to let you know....I would be absolutely shocked if my son were to expect maternal feelings from me...One reason...as far as he is concerned I am a stranger. He has a mom and in his head that is not me
Because I am not in reunion I cannot gauge how my son will react to meeting me. even in the case of him wanting me to mother him I would still step back and take a long mature look at how that would look. Also because I do want to create a relationship with his mother I would also be concerned how that would look for her. Not that this would stop me if this is what we both wanted, but she would be upmost in my mind. In meeting my son I will be meeting a person that I am spiritually connected to but have no idea who he is, what his life was like ect. I would first want to create that friendship with him before I insert my motherly ways. Perhaps I will find it unnessisary to mother him. he will after all be a grown man. An adult/parent relationship should function at a higher level...friendship. However in the case of adoption were that Bond was severed through childhood it is completely normal for both the mother and the adult child to want to recreate that bond. BUT someone does have to take that step back and look upon the relationship as it was meant to be two adults who are connected to one another.
What kind of mothering are you expecting from her? Cuddling is good, I have no problem with a thirty year old man sitting on my lap needing caress's. Again Parental responsibilities are so different once the child is an adult it would be difficult to simulate feelings of responsibility when you are looking at an adult child.
As far as financial concerns, if my son needed help from me ei college tuition I would be there for him, as I would any of my children. You must remember that a seperation at birth cannot be made whole. Your relationship will look different than if she had raised you, the feelings however would still remain.
I certianly would not pour my heart out to my son, I would never utter the words I write here to him, again in fear of him seeing me as possessive. I think your mother is being very mature in your relationship, that is a mothers position. Let that friendship, get to know one another as adults as friends. You never know what this will grow into.
Hugs
Melissa

[julibean]

I am seeking advice. I have a problem that I don't know what to do about. I was reunited with my birth mother 12 years ago. During that time I was a secret for she was trying to protect my younger brothers. That was hard on me. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough and not important enough to her and also rejected. She would call me off and on (I could never call her). Then I told her about my feelings and the calls stopped for years!!! During my search for my birth mother I was told that she was adopted too!! Since I always wanted to know where I came from I searched for my birth grandmother. I found her in 2001, wrote her a letter saying who I was etc. I got no reply. Once again that great feeling of rejection. Then in 2002 I got a phone call from this woman who turned out to be my birth grandmothers daughter. She told me she was looking for my birth mother, that her mother had died and told them about her. I gave her the information. They made contact. A week later I got a call from my birth mother and I set my feelings aside hoping to have another chance at having a relationship with her. It was five years since I talked to her. She told my brothers about me and the whole birth family was reunited. I was so happy!! I had a grandpa, two aunts, an uncle, cousins and two brothers. Every thing was going really good until one of my cousins decided to make moves on me. I felt sick and devestated!! I told my birth mother and one of my brothers. We agreed to keep this to ourselves. I didn't want my aunt to be hurt and she was already having a hard time by loosing her mother. My brother ended up confronting my cousin about what he had done to me. My cousin went to his mom and told her that I was making up lies about him. Well my aunt without even asking me my side of the story went and told the whole family that I was making up lies and in the process I have been an outcasted by my grandpa, aunts and uncle. With Christmas just around the corner I asked my birth mother if it would be o.k. if I could come out on Christmas. She said yes but the other birth family will be there. I was willing to keep my mouth shut so I could spend some of my Christmas with my birth mother and brothers. The next day my birth mother called and tried in a nice way to tell me I wasn't welcomed on Christmas. There would be to many people there and we wouldn't have time together. She picked a different day for us to have our Christmas. Once again I have these feelings of hurt and rejection. I has been a year since my birth mother and I started talking again and she has been to my house one time but she can go and see my other birth families house all of the time (we all live very close). I feel like I'm not that important to her and she doesn't consider my feelings at all. Do I walk away? Do I tell her how I feel? Do I tell the rest of my birth family the truth on what my cousin did to me? I'm so confused! A part of me never wants to talk to her again and the other part doesn't!!