[lmc618]

Hi! Im 19 years old and 30 weeks pregnant. I chose to place my baby for adoption and I have found a great family for him. I wanted advice on what I should do about the birthfather. We were together for about a year and then I got pregnant. Atfirst he wanted to make things work with the baby and us...but then I guess he got scared and told me he wasn't ready for commitment. Even though we were not "together" we still had an intimate relationship with eachother up until maybe the 5th or 6th month. Now we are working on "just being friends". This is so hard for me to do because I am still inlove with him and I still want to be with him. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now...he wants to do things for himself. He's 22 years old and hasn't really dated much...its hard for me to be friends with him and watch him dating other girls. He says he doesn't want a relationship and he isn't going to be intimate with anyone, he just wants to get to know other people. And he says that even though we are not together right now...when he is wanting a relationship he says he can see it being me. After he says stuff like that, I begin to feel more and more attached to him, and its hard to just let him go. Then he gets frustrated when I become too attached and want to see him more because we "arn't together." I wish I could just stop talking to him, but when I try to, it gets really hard and I feel like I have to call him. Then when we do get along for awhile, it makes me feel like it'll all work out until I get too attached and things go bad again. I just don't know what to do. He is still involved with the adoption and he wants to know everything that goes on. He wants to be there when my son is born. This would make it really hard for me to let Adam (the b-dad) go because I don't think I'd be able to just see him under the circumstances. Is there a point to us having a friendship? Am I wrong for loving him still? Do we have a future? I am so confused. I feel like I have to let go of two people: Adam and my baby...it is all so overwhelming and I can't see my future without him. Im so sad.

[luvly74]

I was with my my ex for 11 years and i know just how you feel. We have a 10 year old boy, a 7 year old girl that we gave up for adoption and a 14 month old baby. We seperated 7 months ago for about the millionth time. He is always with other women and it kills me inside. I never wanted to be with anyone else but him! I want to call him and see him all the time but i just cant. We have three children together and everyother weekend i have to see him to drop my two kids off. To look at him and know that he will never really love me hurts so bad. I too not only let my daughter go but also the love of my live as well.
My ex loves women and made me feel not worthy of his love and that damaged my heart. He also said that when he is ready to settle down that i would be the one he would choose. I have waited 11 years and still nothing. I am tired of waiting. We began dating at the age of 19 and now almost 30, I have wasted so much time, so many years. That makes me sad. I hope you can find your way through this. I dont have any good advise because i know what its like to love someone that much and be so confused. My heart said wait, but my head said "WHAT AM I DOING"!. Life is precious and you only have one, please dont waste so much time like i did. I will alway love him more than any other man But i want someone to love me like that. It will be his loss because you will find someone who feels all those this for you. You will always have "what ifs" I know i do all the time. There is a limit to love and when your heart is getting hurt more then it is receiving love then it is time to walk away.
I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Fawn

[kune]

IMC618

I can understnd how you are feeling sad and lonely. The decision you made to place your child is not an easy one, yet the father appears to be supporting you through the pregnancy and birth even if he has "moved away." I suggest that maybe he has grown up a lot in the last 30 weeks and realises that he needs to broaden his horizons. Not necessarily find a new partner, but mix with people who offer differing opinions on life, and try to define what he wants in his life. Impending fatherhood was probably a wake up call for him.
He can see you in his future - now that is promising. Hold on to that thought, and remember that happiness is something we need to work on - not wait for. Stay positive and I wish you all the best with your birth and your future.
Ann

[sspete]

Imc.....It is VERY hard on me to hear of beautiful women wasting their time, energy, and love on a "man" who does not feel the same!!!! I have always been pretty strong in this area and thank God for the ability to just go on!!!! Remember....you have your WHOLE life ahead of you and the love you carry for your baby's bfather will probably always be there. You must however pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize it is not worth your time and energy to continue throwing good love after bad!!!! Try as hard has you can to be strong and focus on YOU and YOUR BABY!!!! If it is to hard to see him......JUST DON"T!!!!! Your heart WILL heal in time......If you are meant to be together again you will be!!!! The Old Saying Goes......If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back Then It Is Love.....If They Don't It Never Was!!!! I know it seems easier said than done, but Trust Me You want to be with someone who wants to be with You also.....Life Is TOOO short for anything else!!!!

I hope I helped.....You are in my thoughts and Prayers!!!!

Staci

[Sharon]

This sounds somewhat similar to my situation when I placed my son 13 years ago, except mine was the opposite. The birthfather totally wanted a relationship and I wasn't at all sure he was the one (I was 16 at the time). I was the one who was less experienced, not ready for commitment, desperate to get out into the world, meet people, go places, have new and exciting experiences. I was the one who wanted to be "just friends".
We stuck together through the adoption process (and I do mean "stuck"... where was I supposed to go? Realistically, I knew that I couldn't get on with my life until after the pregnancy and relinquishment). He was a rock... I mean, he absolutely astounded me with his loyalty, strength and tenderness before, during, and after the relinquishment. I had never known there were people in the world like that. To make a long story short, my feelings for him gradually deepened, and by the time we had placed our child for adoption, I couldn't imagine a life without him. We had been through this incredible experience together. Nobody else in the world would ever understand. We ended up getting married and having another child together. We later divorced, but still remain friends to this day.
The point is, don't cast your pearls before swine, throw good lovin' after bad, etc (choose your own cliche, lol) ... but at the same time, keep your options open. It's promising that he's still interested in the baby and involved in the adoption process. Maybe he really does just need to meet other people and get the wildness out of his system. If your feelings for him are that strong, maybe there's something there after all. One thing's for sure... going through the experience of relinquishing a child together will change both of you forever. Maybe it'll bring you closer. Maybe it'll drive you further apart. There's really nothing to do but wait and see. It hurts to love somebody who doesn't love you back. But it's also impossible to stop (you can change your outward behavior, but not your feelings). Just focus on yourself, your health, and that of the baby for right now, and if it's meant to happen between you and the birthfather, it'll happen. You can't force it. At the same time, you shouldn't feel guilty or wrong because you're unable to give up hope and close the door entirely on the possibility of a relationship with the guy... after all, you are carrying his child! Nobody can ever guess what the future may hold. Babies, whether kept or relinquished, change people in unpredictable ways. Maybe, by the time this is all said and done, you won't be able to stand the sight of him. Or maybe, he'll decide that he's ready for a commitment after all. Who knows?
Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck with it.
Sincerely, ~ Sharon

[HAIR127]

I CAN HEAR YOUR PAIN AND I REMEMBER BEING IN A SIMILIAR SITUATION. WHEN LOVE HURTS THAT MUCH....LEARN TO SET BOUNDRIES TO PROTECT YOUR HEART. WRITE...WRITE ....WRITE.... ALL DAY LONG IF NECESSARY. GET ALL THE FEELINGS OUT ON PAPER. THE LOVE ..THE HATE...THE ANGER...THE HURT. IT WILL HELP YOU STAY BALANCED AND IT WILL HELP EASE THE PAIN. CRY,SCREAM,KICK.... WILL BALANCE YOU. PAMPER YOURSELF AND LEARN TO FOCAS ON YOU...NOT HIM. THATS HARD! EVEN THO IT TORE MY GUTS OUT...I LEARNED TO LOVE HIM AT A DISTANCE. AND I STILL SET BOUNDRIES...TO KEEP HIM OUT OF MY LIFE. BECAUSE.....IT HURT TOOOOOOOO BAD. I HAD HIS 2 CHILDREN...I KEPT MY BABYS. HE ALSO SAID THAT IF HE WERE TO MARRY ANYONE..IT WOULD BE ME. MAKING ME FEEL WANTED....WHEN HE WAS ABANDONING ME. DOUBLE MESSAGES....CONFUSE THE HEART. THANK GOD THE PAIN NOW...IS JUST A MEMORY AND I WILL NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE TREATED IN THAT WAY AGAIN! {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR STRENGTH. JANET

[Jackiejdajda]

lmc618 wrote..I feel like I have to let go of two people: Adam and my baby...it is all so overwhelming and I can't see my future without him. Im so sad.

My goodness you have hit a difficult time in your life..

Take your time.. Ask for help.. How are you doing with your mother? Are you able to talk with her?

You can get through this.. You are not alone.


Jackie

[cmathias]

My situation when I relinquished my son 9 years ago sounds nearly identical to yours, except that my son's b-father and I separated early on (when I was 2 months along) and after that we had no contact until post adoption. I also felt like I was forced to let go of two people, rather than just my child. My son's b-father actually dated another woman that already had a 6 year old daughter and even planned to marry her. That really killed me, because it was the prospect of a wife and child that drove him away from me in the first place. It was extremely hard to accept and move on. The thing that helped me the most was that I went out and met new people too. I even had a brief relationship with a man that was very supportive emotionally and helped me to deal with my feelings about everything. Once my son was born and the adoption papers were signed, my son's b-father and I started seeing eachother as "just friends". It took a few years, but eventually we acknowledged our relationship and we married about 3 years post-adoption.

You asked if there was even a point to you having a friendship with your child's b-father...and I think that there is. The point is that this is happening to both of you and the more you allow him to be a part of the process the better chance he has of being able to reconcile his own feelings about the experience. All too often, b-mothers are left to face their pregnancy and adoption experience alone. B-fathers are already one step removed from the experience of child bearing, since they cannot share in the physical bonding of mother and child. I don't think that their feelings are any less important than those of a b-mother...especially when they are sticking around to be supportive and involved. My husband never had that, and he carries the burdens of guilt and denial to this day.

Still...you should consider your health, your stress levels, your emotional stability since all of these things will affect your baby. If you are having a bad day, tell him you cannot see him that day. Maybe you should also set some boundries to the level of disclosure between the two of you...such as asking him not to tell you about other girls he dates etc. until you reach a level of acceptance where it is not causing you so much emotional strain. Be aware of your own needs and address those first and foremost. He sounds like he is trying to be there for you, so make sure he is aware of your feelings also...hopefully he will try to be considerate and avoid doing things that cause you pain. Feel free to contact me if you need to talk, I can truly empathize with what you are going through.

Charlotte

[lmc618]

I do talk to him about my feelings...all the time. And he tries to get better, but he just doesn't. He makes me feel as if I expect so much of him. I really just want him to be there for me whenever I need him and want him...not whenever its convenient for him. I have so many needs and wants right now. Do you think its best if I just tell him all that, and if he can't fulfill them, I just let him go? I wish I could get over him. I get frustrated at him because he always makes time for all of his other friends...even just for "dates"....and he makes himself soooo unavailable to me. Yet he says he's still here for me. I don't know guys, I just wish I knew what to do. Thank you all of you for your advice. I wish I could've responded sooner, but I get sooo busy at work, and then I just come home and sleep. But your comments really mean a lot to me. So thank you!