[tierra126]

Hi. I am currently a senior psychology student at a university in Georgia. 3 years ago I gave my son up for adoption and I've been interested in psychological aspects of adoption ever since. Next semester, for my senior seminar, I must do a 30 minute presentation. I thought it would be nice to research something meaningful. The reason I'm asking for help is because I need your perspectives. I want to hear from those that have been adopted as well as those that have given a child to adoption. I would like you to answer a few questions.
1. What impact has adoptoin had on your life?
2. How did/do people react when you tell them?
3. How does their reaction make you feel?
4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.

Remember that I a student of psycholgoy so your answers should be more about your feelings and emotions and not necessarily the whole story of why adoption was the choice. I truly thank you for any help that you can give me. I love you all.

[cmathias]

I'm a birthmother that gave up my son for adoption 9 years ago.
1. What impact has adoptoin had on your life?
I refuse to have anymore children.
I think that I sabatoge my own success, because I convinced myself that I was incapable of raising a child and now I subconsciously prove it to myself over and over again.
I don't trust myself anymore.
I feel that I am defined by the experience and am constantly trying to analyze who I am in the context of a birthmother.
I become so depressed every year around my son's birthday that I sometimes cannot function.
I lost some negative traits of my personality...like arrogance, vanity, and insensitivity to others.
I gained compassion, empathy, and restraint...although the latter is sometimes taken to an extreme that inhibits my ability to communicate with others.
I deal with feelings of failure and guilt frequently.
This is a very short list...but the first things to come to mind.

2. How did/do people react when you tell them?
I am very open and honest about the fact that I am a birthmother, I never hide the fact and often relate my experience if it is relative to a conversation. I think it makes most people very uncomfortable.
Sometimes I notice body language, like shifting from side to side, or crossing one's arms across the chest, looking down or away, that indicates discomfort with the topic...men are especially uncomfortable with it (in my experience).
Those that are comfortable with it almost always offer up their opinion of how strong I must have been and what a beautiful thing that I did when I chose to sacrifice my own happiness for that of my child.
Occasionally I come across the person that asks me how I felt about it.

3. How does their reaction make you feel?
The uncomfortable reactions make me feel awkward and ashamed, and sometimes angry that the subject should be so taboo and that I should hide it.
The comforting opinions about my strength and sacrifice make me feel validated, and yet at the same time I sometimes feel like they are a quick brush off to avoid deeper conversation.
When people ask me how I feel about it I feel accepted, I percieve them as non-judgemental and caring and sometimes end up having meaningful conversations and human bonding.

4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.
I have mixed emotions about my decision. I do not regret doing what I thought was best for my son, but I do regret not believing in my own ability to provide it.
I doubt my decision when I feel that I could have done it and sometimes think that I would be a healthier happier person had I chosen to parent.
Then there are other times that I am secure in my decision because my current lifestyle would not accomodate children.
It is difficult to admit some of the feelings I have regarding my decision and, because of its impact on my life, it is impossible to qualify the decision as "right" or "wrong".
When it comes down to it, I have to find ways to be okay with my decision and constantly remind myself and or convince myself that it was the right thing to do.

I would be happy to provide you with more information and or qualify my statements for your research. I think that what you are attempting to do could prove to be valuable information not only for yourself but also for the future counselling of persons touched by adoption. I truly appreciate those people that strive to understand the complexity of emotional responses involved with adoption and I thank you for your sincere desire to understand.
Charlotte

[vixta]

1. What impact has adoption had on your life?

I have developed a very strong relationship with those who supported me at the time, and i also lost contact with most of my blood family. My mother seems to be the only one who makes an effort, but i am usually warned about calling people at particular times. It's very strange looking back on the whole episode, as there are dates to be marked and subjects to be avoided. I also have a sinking feeling whenever i hear about a family member getting pregnant as i know it will lead to another period of grief for those who did not support my decision and so another lonely period for me.

2. How did/do people react when you tell them?

When i told people my plans, they didn't believe me. When my partner called my mum to say i was in labour she didn't come to the hospital, and when he called to say i'd had a boy, she just asked if i had changed my mind yet. Now i try not to tell people, but whenever i do there is always that 'is she a psycho who tried to kill her tyke' look.

3. How does their reaction make you feel?

Lousey. It makes me feel like a pretentious fool going on about what i have been through.

4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.

I am happy as Ivan is now a happy 2 year old who goes on holiday and has lots of fun. Everything i was planning turned out ok. And who can jepordise a future to just make a couple of people happy.

[logged_in]

1. What impact has adoptoin had on your life?
Adoption has changed so many aspects of my life. I learned how to love with everything I have, I learned that sacrafice's have to be made, and they are for the best. I learned that the word mom, has so many different meaning. I am much more fortunate for having a child I could not raise, then to of had no child at all.

2. How did/do people react when you tell them?
People look at me funny, and telling someone for the first time always makes me cry. It is like a flood of emotions that I can not control (maybe that is why I get the funny looks...lol)

3. How does their reaction make you feel?
I could care less what people thought or how they reacted.

4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.
I am happy with the decision I have made. I still have bad days, and it still hurts but my son has everything I could not provide for him.

[MaryMac]

Tierra,
Hi ! I am a fellow Atlantan as well!I am so glad you are doing this-I want to do something as well but I don't know exactly what it is that I am supposed to do yet....But for now I will answer your questions and hopefully help.

1.What impact has adoption had on your life?
I look at the world with a new perspective. I am not bitter but when people talk about certain petty things I think I get upset. Because there is so much more to life for me now. I think it makes me see myself as a stronger woman. I see my heart now because I wear it on the outside of my body. I know I am a good person because I did the right thing for my child. I gave her the best and she desreves it although from time to time I beat myself up because I wanted to be the one to give her the best. On the flip side though it makes me work harder for the future because I want my boyfriend and myself to have another. I am motivated everyday to make a change in my life for the better. People are always looking at me and asking if I am okay. Not everything is all rosey though. It's so sureal because I feel like I did a good thing but at the same time I feel the greatest loss I've ever felt. Who knew it would be this twisted? People tell me that my eyes look different. There is something missing since she was born. They are full of pain and I am angry that people can see the pain. They don't know what it is but they can tell it's hurt. I don't like being so vulnerable.

2.How do people react when you tell them?
It depends on the person and the element that they are in. When I was pregnant I started to be very open at that point. Some people were cool, some just wanted the best for us all, some cried, some said really,really mean things, some hugged me, some cried with me, some had no words at all,some didn't care, some beat me down emotionally. Just depends...............Some were also curious and wanted to know more.Some like my family turned their backs on me. Really, I found that the more secure that I became with my decision the easier it was for others to deal.

3.How does their reaction make you feel?
I can tell you that when I was pregnant I cared a lot more. Perhaps it was all the hormones. People always have an opinion but after a while i decided that it was my ddecision as to how I would let them make me feel. Honestly, I was outraged by some. Outraged by their ignorance and how they just let words roll off of their tongues without a second thought as to how they were ripping my heart up inside. Finally, I developed a screw you attitude. It's my body ,my child and a choice that I made out of love- the same love she was concieved with. If you love me and respect me the we're cool because I could use all the support I can get and if not then screw you- I didn't need you anyway. Because negative thoughts were like a poision in my body thus hurting my child and I didn't want any pioson so those people had to go away. That's how I felt in the end.

4.Are you happy with the decision that was made? Why or why not?
Yes and no. I think she has the best life.She's so hooked up in so many ways. Financially,emotionally,and any other thing that counts. I love the people that have her. I love her. I love the person that walks with me day in and day out (my boyfriend) I love the relationship that we all have together and the fact that her parents are so open to me and my family. I love that she will never hurt or be harmed and that those people have the ability to protect her from the things I couldn't. I do not regret my choice because if I did that would mean that I doubt myself. I don't. I miss her everyday and I feel like part of me died but then it's cool because I lost part of myself to give her life and that means her life has substance and meaning. She is an angel on my shoulder.


Please feel free to e-mail me personally for more if you need it. Thank you for what you are doing. I strongly feel that people need to be educated. MaryMac2@hotmail.com

Love,Mary

Okay, Let's do this, First I gave up my daughter for adoption in a closed door environment through Catholic Service League!

What impact has adoption had on my life? It happened when I was in my young formative years thereby causing a resolve in me to have a greater control in my life. I trust almost NO ONE! I am always second guessing the purpose of things and trying to get to the real motive which would be most surprising to some. The whole event took away my health if health is thought of by the root meaning which is wholeness, which as a whole you are complete (nothing left out). Something that is whole represents perfection. Thereby leaving no balance in my life. I literally have a hole in my being and my daughter is now 24 years old. I am resolved that this empyness will never leave and my balance will forever be tilted. Most people have something that causes imbalance and this is mine.

How did/do people react when you tell them? That is really easy, they simply do not care the least. How does this affect them? It doesn't and thereby they don't care and the tales on television show birthmom's as some sort of evil and they simply superimpose that image onto you thereby causing you shame to even mention it and leaving you no ability to gain health through talking about your loss. They act as if adoption is some sort of spreadable disease and you are the germ.

How does their reaction make you feel? You shut up and eventually quit talking about it and you internalize alone your pain.

Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not? No, I knew it then but wasn't strong enough to object. I felt that the adults in my life truly knew what was best for me and wouldn't steer me wrong. I believed them and they were wrong. I now have to forgive that young girl who was me for the worst decision of my life and as of this date I have not been able to do that and crave some sort of wholeness.

Thanks for doing the study and I hope you can find peace in your own journey.

[georgiapeach]

1. What impact has adoptoin had on your life?
I trust no one. I also don't share my ENTIRE self with anyone (friends nor boyfriends)

2. How did/do people react when you tell them?
I don't tell them. None of my friends know. I don't want them to know because then they'll start asking questions. Plus, it's more information than i want to share with them.

3. How does their reaction make you feel?
Response to number 2

4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.
Knowing my birth mothers background, I'm very happy. If i would have stayed with her i probably would have grown up in some slum.

[mom2alex]

I know you asked for adoptees and birthparents to answer these questions, but I didn't think you'd mind an adoptive moms perspective as well. I have a five month old daughter (through the gift of adoption).

1. Impacts- Adoption has completely changed my life. Through the sacrifice of my daughter's birthparents, I am living a dream come true and I am so grateful to them for that. At the same time, I am suprized at how much I grieve. So often I just hold my daughter and cry. For her first few weeks with us, I felt so guilty. I felt like I had stolen another womens baby. Over time, and with some counseling, I understand that it was the choice her birthparents made and that they chose our family. Still, I am saddened for all the moments they will miss. I think of them constantly, usually betweeen 15 and 20 times each day. Some times I think I am obsessed.

2. Reactions from others- besides the oohs, ahs, and 'oh how sweets' form well meaning people, I also get questioned about her birthparents. People ask all sorts of personal things about them. I get asked how someone could just 'give away their baby'. People also turn white when I mention wanting them involved in my daughters life. They immediately put me on trial as to why I would want to subject my child to such people and try to convince me to distance this perfect child from her assumingly 'uncaring/unstable' birthparents.

3. How do I feel? Sad and angry. I feel sad for the reputation that birthparents often have. And angry that people can be so ignorant and cruel. I can't understand where this thinking came from. Maybe that is why my heart is so heavy for birthparents in general. So recently I have become more active in the adoption community. Perhaps soemhow I can help dismiss all the myths of both adoption and birthparents.

4. Happy with my decison? Absolutely. My world has been made complete thanks to two very loving birthparents.

[trout]

The impact I placing my child for adoption?
I trust few people. I still have a very hurt and scared 16 year old girl trapped inside me. My father didn't talk to me for 2 years. My mom feels very guilty and we can not talk about the subject.(This after 18 years) I feel betrayed because the a-parents cut off contact without some much as "I am sorry I can't do this". I feel rage that I was never really warned that this "could" happen. I now am afraid that my son will come back and hate me. I feel nobody really understands me.


Reactions from others? This varies widely based on the person history with adoption. Most a-parents with then distance themselves from me. Most adoptees are attracted to me. They seemed to want to know why I did what I did. When I was in high school people treated me like I was a cold heartless *****. Some people still do. Some people will use it against me. Some people feel hurt when it comes out after I have known them for a while but never told them. You walk a fine line as to when to tell someone.


How do I feel? Hurt,angry,sad and most of all like a big part of me is missing.



I am okay with my decision. I don't think you can every really be happy with your the choice to place your child. I am not happy that I have been lied to and decieved.

Trout

[tlee70]

Ok, I'm going to take a stab at this....not sure how I'm going to feel after answering THESE difficult questions LOL



1. What impact has adoptoin had on your life?

Adoption has BEEN the impact of my life. I have many thoughts about what my life might have been like had I not been adopted. At times I think that my childhood would have been alot better and I certainly would have alot of happy memories verus sad ones. Although my adoption has not been a positive experience for me, it has shaped who I am today and I can't say for sure that I would have the same strength of character that I have today if I hadn't been through the same adversity.


2. How did/do people react when you tell them?

I don't usually tell to many people that I'm adopted. It usually makes people feel a little uncomfortable. I recently was talking to someone about finding my biodad and they automatically assumed that I grew up with my biomom

.
3. How does their reaction make you feel?

I have seen the look of sympathy in peoples eyes when I have said I was adopted...I hate it. That is why I don't tell many people.


4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.

I think I would have been ok with the decision had I grown up in a loving envirnoment, but since I did not of course I'm not happy about it. I am not happy about the fact that vital medical information was not passed on to me. I am not happy about the fact that my biomom now denies my existence. I am not happy that due to vital medical information being withheld, caused the loss of my sons life. I AM happy that I now have a relationship with real dad. I AM happy that I now have a wonderful husband and healthy daughter. As I have been told....we can't change the past, but we can hope for the best in the future. I AM happy that I still have HOPE.


tlee

[Sharon]

1. What impact has adoptoin had on your life?
I placed my first son for adoption when I was sixteen. It impacted my life in a number of ways; one, I married the birthfather almost immediately after relinquishment. I think, had we not been through this experience together, we would not have married, or at least we might have waited until we were older. Two, we had another child about a year after relinquishing the first; again, I'm sure I would've had children someday, but possibly not so young. I'm not sure why placing a child for adoption compelled me to do these things, I just know that it did. It changed the entire course and direction of my life, although not necessarily for the worse... just different from the way things might have been.

2. How did/do people react when you tell them?

People become uncomfortable when I tell them; I do not tell very many people anymore.

[color=royal blue]3. How does their reaction make you feel?[/color]

It doesn't make me feel any particular way, except hesitant to share this information.

4. Are you happy with the decision that was made and why or why not.

No, I am not really happy with it, because I had an open adoption that was closed by the aparents as soon as it was finalized. I spent my entire adult life wondering whether my child was alive or dead, trying to imagine where in the world he might be. Last summer, I conducted a search, located him, and wrote his aparents a letter (my b-son is 13 years old now). They wrote back, updated me on his life, and sent a couple of photos. Since then, I feel a lot better about the whole thing. I still feel I chose the wrong parents for my son, obviously. I wish I'd chosen differently. I do not (most of the time) regret placing him for adoption. If I hadn't, I think my life would've turned out much differently, and I like my life the way it is and wouldn't want it to be different. I hope I can meet my b-son someday and hear his side of things, and tell him mine.