[Teresa K]

Jill,

I truly believe your intentions were good, and honestly had no way to know how people will react. Your original post did not bother me, it was some of the following ones that in my opinion were based on what people want to believe as justification for being soooooo happy when they adopt.

In adoption there are really no winners. Adoptive parents get a child. They raise a child with no biological connection. For some adoption is the only way they will have a child. In some cases adoption is the best choice for a child probably.

But, there are losers. When someone adopts someone else loses a part of them. To call it a gift or to be thankful may be great intentions, but their are horrible people out there. The system sees adoption as a solution. It is a traumatic solution. In my case the professionals decided I would not change my mind so ignored the laws. I was lied to, laws were broken, people should be behind bars but instead they have the victims children. I think negative is unfair to me. Would anyone tell the victim of another kidnapped child they were negative or angry??? Seems when an attorney or two help things get complicated. In my case the attorney who finalized this fraud was a former law partner with the judge. Can't say I am shocked but he obviously never checked a thing. Lifetime holds the keys to the contract violations. But, no, my children were not a gift, I am not thankful. The people who have my children are not thankful, they feel it was their god given right to have children no matter what they had to do. They lied to me, they lied in two courts, they will lie to my children as that is who they are. But negative and angry are very unfair. Most victims are after a few years "in the jurisdiction of the courts".

Take Care, I hope others learned something to, something that sticks with them. And for whoever said not all adoptive parents are like this. I am aware of that, and know people who are wonderful parents, and their children are adopted, LEGALLY.

Teresa

[joymom]

"In adoption there are really no winners" ?

Do you really mean this?

I agree that we need to be careful not to "romanticize" adoption and ignore the pain that can be part of the triad, especially when unethical things happen. But to say there are "no winners" is just untrue. Adoption offers choices for women who cannot raise their children (for innumberable reasons).

"They raise a child with no biological connection." So what? Those I know who have the blessing of bio and adopted children say there is no difference in their connection, bonding and love for their children. Biological connection, frankly, can be overrated. Just ask anyone who ended up with neglectful parents. The majority of adopted children are better adjusted than children raised by their bio-parents (no, I am not arguing that adoption is BETTER, but that it does not necessarily create a wave of victims). As has been stated again and again in this forum, it very much depends on the situation -- some are heinous. Most are not.

Does any of this excuse the atrocious way you have been treated, or the behavior of those who believe they "know better" than a struggling parent and take advantage? Of course not. That's a different issue. But to over-generalize that adoption doesn't offer any "winners" is unfair. I'm going to guess that this is going to offend you, which is not my intention, but I do feel you are missing part of the picture.

[Teresa K]

Joymom,
Do you call a child that was abused or neglected a winner? And the parent who loses their children due to bad choices? Adoption may get them out of an unbearable situation but would most not prefer to go childless than see a child be abused or neglected in order for them to get this child? What about the scars they will carry forever? How do they win other than getting out of this situation?

Does mother who for some reason places her child win? Would it not be better if the system helped people keep there babies rather than tell them there are loving families out there and adoption is wonderful. It can be, yes....but the system rarely if ever tries to help a 14 year old (example only) keep a baby. Most cases I have heard of adoption is brought up whenever she may try to get assistance.

I would be interested who did the research on adopted children being better adjusted? Or is that a personal opinion? Who decides what is better adjusted? And where was this research done? Studying sociology and families for many years I never ever heard this one. And would have to wonder if it was not another ghetto survey where people get paid to participate, which greatly changes the odds. But maybe not, please give me the name of the study.

I think you read what you wanted to, I am much to tired to get upset or really even care. Teresa

[lmc618]

Jill,

I thank you for your origional post. I personally am having a good experience with adoption. There are a lot of perople who have bad experiences, and a lot of people who have good experiences. You are just more likely to find the bad experiences on here. I realized that after being a member to this forum the past couple weeks. Just stick to whatever you feel is right. Thanks for your positive attitude

[joymom]

No, abused children are never "winners"... but I do not understand the connection you are making with abused/ neglected children and adoption. And no, a parent who loses their child due to "bad choices" is not either... that wasn't my point. I was taking issue with writing off ALL adoption because some adoptive situations go wrong.

What solution do you offer for women (even in your own example of a 14 yo) who cannot parent? Both of our kids' birthmothers were facing felony charges (both did prison time, both admitted to guilt) and did not want their babies in foster care. While it was obviously a very difficult and painful decision, they felt it was their best option and the option that gave them the most influence and future information (family couldn't help...). I'm not being sarcastic or evasive, I am genuinely interested in what you believe should happen in these situations.

I'll look up the study... no, I didn't make it up

[Decision]

My post was not a start of a debate everyone
someone posts the definition of gift...
Gift is defined as:
1. Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.
2. The act, right, or power of giving.
3. A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination.
4. To present something as a gift to.
5. To endow with.

the first definition stands out for me. Something (underline that) that is bestowed...
A child is not something, a child is an individual, a person not a thing so sayiing a child is a gift I just dont understand.
I do not think negatively about adoption.No matter if it was my decision or not my son is with a different family. he is were he was meant to be. Adoption is not all peaches and cream. And it frightens me to the core when adoption is romanticised. That does not mean I think negatively about adoption, I am a truth seeker.
As far as raising my son...why yes if given the choice I would have done a wonderful job...but this is not something I chose to reflect upon anymore, because I will never have that chance...and that is okay. This is the only part of his adoption that will stay in the past. I do grieve the loss of my son, my grieving will go on forever, I am not angry that my son and I never had that chance to be together, fate chose a different path for us he has a loving family and to me that is all that matters, it makes no difference who raises him as long as he happy. He is not a gift, we cannot give a human as a gift. A gift is a material possession we do not own our children.They are ours to guide love and care for. they are not ours to possess.
Hugs
Melissa

[dl]

I am very aware that there are negative adoptive family situations. There are also very negative biological family situations. There are also very positive adoptive and biological family situations as well. I have, through this forum met many adoptees that had an experience similar to mine.

In my situation, all three parts of the triad were "winners". Personally, I feel I was the biggest winner as I had loving parents that were ready, willing and able to be parents. My biological parents placed me, as while pregnant, my bioMom was not sure whether the bioFather was her husband or a man she had an affair with. Turns out my bioFather was her husband, but when I was born, they had already separated due to her multiple affairs and neither wanted to bring a child into a broken home. Winner #1, THEY did not want to bring a child into a broken home and they didn't.

After being in six different care situations, at 13 months, I was adopted by a wonderful couple. Winner #2, instead of being in a broken home or foster care, I was with a two parent loving family.

My aparents wanted to have children. They never felt it was a negative raising a child that had no biological connection. Winner #3.

I personally find this attitude that bioparents are doing a favor for aparents offensive. Bottom line, in MOST situations, bioParents had a child they were unable to parent for whatever reason. Without aparents what happens to the child? Forced to stay with parents unable/unwilling to parent? An orphanage? Aparents, while perhaps disapointed at not having children, could easily have a meaningful happy life. Bioparents and the child may find it more difficult. At the time a woman is facing an unplanned pregnancy and feels she is unable to parent, is it not a relief to her to know that there is someone willing to parent the child that she is unable to parent? Yes, she would still feel a sense of loss and pain, but would it not help at all to know that her child had a loving home? Whose really doing something for whom?

Personally, I resent the constant implication that people should be paid money to be able to keep their children. There are many Mothers that would rather stay home with their children and are forced to work due to financial struggles. Why should they contribute to someone else's household?

I do not "romanticize" adoption, but I think the benefits outweigh the negatives in MOST situations. I also do not "romanticize" young mothers keeping their children and disagree with the statement that the system does not help people keep their babies. My stepdaughter kept her child at 18 (early 1980's) and received money through welfare, food stamps, free medical and dental for her and her child as well as free child care if she would go through an educational program. How much more do you feel should be given? While this money provided an apartment for her and her child, it did not provide her with maturity and her child has had a very unstable life. There is more involved with raising a child than simply giving someone money.

[dl]

Interesting artile on the adjustment of adopted children.
http://www.adoptioninformationinstitute.org/JGuide.html

A few key points:

"The point is: the human condition is problematic. It is filled with a vast mix of complex issues, of which adoption may or may not play a part. The life experiences of triad members cannot be attributed solely to something as simple as the mere fact they have been touched by adoption. There is much more, including the psychological makeup of the individual, and how they face life in general. It is how they deal with the issues encountered during their lives, not solely the issues themselves."

"In fact, adoptees, particularly those adopted as infants, have outcomes comparable to their non-adopted peers by nearly all measures _ from school performance to job achievement to forming relationships. Children who spent their early years in orphanages abroad or in foster care in this country frequently face more challenges, but most improve once they move into permanent, loving homes."

"Research indicating adoptees are uniquely vulnerable psychologically, ignores a large amount of data showing that fully 95% of them are never referred for therapy."

"Children adopted in infancy do as well as non-adopted children on measures central to mental health. The differences are so slight this study puts to rest the oft-stated view that adoptees have major mental health problems compared with their non-adoptive peers."

"Adopted teenagers are at least at the national average on every dimension, and are above average on most. These kids are optimistic, happy to have been born, and get along well with their parents. In school accomplishments and plans for the future they are in at least as good shape as the average American their age."

"In numerous other comparisons, adoptees tended to view others more positively, have a more internal focus of control, and see their parents as significantly more nurturing, comforting, predictable, protectively concerned and helpful than did the non-adopted."

"Studies show extremely high rates of attachment to adoptive parents, as deep as their non-adopted siblings. Ninety five percent of parents have a strong attachment to their adopted child and 95% of adoptive families say that raising an adopted child is no different than raising a non-adopted child. Indeed, the terms adoption and adoptive are not defining factors to these families' existence."

"The impact of adoption on children is overwhelmingly positive. Adoptive families provide supportive, nurturing environments, the effects of which are evident in the health, development and behavior of young adoptees."

[PetersMom]

Giving a child to a family is helping that family, yes, but it is not a birthmothers job to make a family complete. As an adoptive mom, my child is a gift - as ALL children are gifts from God, adopted or not. What birthmothers have done is give their child the GIFT OF LIFE. They could have aborted. To give the child the GIFT OF A FAMILY, is selfless. My son's birthparents were teenagers who did not want their son raised in 2 homes, with 2 sets of rules, and parents who were trying to finish their education so that their son could be proud of them and follow their example and go to college too. So many posts I've read other places tell birthmothers "If you do the crime, you do do the time" Why should children be the instruments of punishment? Giving a child to an adoptive family is not the easy way out. Instead, it is painful, terrifying, and extremely selfless.

[dkp9568]

I want to say Thank you Lady77 for the nice letter about thanking birth mothers. I am a BMom and my son turned 18 last month. I hope and pray that one day we will be united. A few years ago I contacted the adoption agency and they contacted his parents, and they did not want to establish contact at the time but they did send me pictures of him and wrote me a letter to tell me how he was doing and I really appreicated that. His adoptive mother is adopted herself, so I know she will understand any of his concerns with his adoption. He truly looked happy in the pictures and I am glad that he has a wonderful family. I love my son very much and not a day goes by that I don't think about him and even though his adoptive parents and I have never met we will forever be bonded because of the love that we have for him.

I have yet to have anymore children I have had alot of Infertility problems, so you see that is why my son is so special to me, because he is my only child, even though I didn't raise him, he will forever be my son in my heart, and I would never want to take the place of his adoptive mother because she is truly his mother.

[Lady77]

Sorry, I haven't been here in awhile because it was alittle frustrating that some people took offense to my post.

And for thoses who actually wrote their opposition, I am sure there are others whom stay quiet.

And well, I did not want anyone to have any negative thoughts when they "entered" my post. I know the whole process can be hard and difficult from the very least to the very most.

When I first ventured into this whole adoption search, online.... as I started to get serious and read the stories.....well frankly there ARE some HORRIBLE people out there!!! Everything I read was negative, and people were treated very unfairly.

I coming from a positive experience, with friends and family too having positive experiences, the things I read were atrocious. (sp?) And mind you I grew up in south florida, not quite the sheltered life!

So I had to come here and tell you ALL that it is NOT ALWAYS bad.
I am not trying to "romanticize" adoption either. I stated in my first post that my aparents were not perfect.

OK, so forget this "gift" thing.... Really I tried understanding, but I guess I never will, and thats OK. We can have different opinions. I will not use the reference gift again, unless the other says it first!!!

Thanks for all the recent more positive posts. It was great to see that my post did not actually BOMB!!!


I still and will always think adoption is a positive action.
I wanted to also let everyone know!!

Thanx~
JILL

[Sherri Etters]

I am a birthmom who has been in reunion with my daughter since mothers day 2003. I had been searching for her since the very day she turned 18. I have met her, and she looks a lot like my other daughter. There is a great resemblence. Everyone in her adoptive family knows about me, except her adoptive mother. Her adoptive father even knows. I have been in contact with her off and on since our reunion. I refer to myself as myself, not as her mother. I wouldn't want to mess up our reunion. I just don't understand why she thinks her adoptive mother would be possibly angry, if she let her know that she had met with me and talked with me. I guess its not my right to wonder, since I had to put her up for adoption when I was 15 years old. I would love to meet her amother, and thank her for giving my daughter a good life. I wish my parents would have seen to it that I raise my daughter. I know that I'm not perfect, but I feel like I would have been a good parent even at 15. I guess it was meant to be this way. I am just thankful know that I have met her, and had the wonderful advantage of getting to know her know. I guess this really wasn't much for your post. I was just reading, and I thought I might just reply to your post. I am greatful that you think so well of birth mothers, since I am in those shoes.

[cajun11]

Dear Lady77,
I just wanted to say "Thank YOU" for posting this message. It is hard to explain -- that pain of giving up your own flesh and blood to a complete stranger, with only the pure belief that they will do better than you ever could -- for whatever reason.
It is an everlasting question in your mind.
Your letter helped answer that question for me.
You eased a pain I've had for 33 years.
Bless you,
A BirthMom ôô

[Jackiejdajda]

Sherri Etters wrote..I just don't understand why she thinks her adoptive mother would be possibly angry, if she let her know that she had met with me and talked with me.

When I first went into reunion with my bson.. I was fortunate enough to have a friend (corresponding on the net) who had just gone into dealing with her (adopted daughters) reunion..

My friend was able to tell me what she was going through.. and I was able to share what I was going through..
It taught me a lot..

I read a line once that has become my mantra in ruenion.

"You have the rest of your life to sort this."

Or something like that. .

I think reunion takes time.. I think patience is very important..

I had a lot of trouble with negative thinking.. I had to keep stopping the 'what is wrong with you' thoughts..

Jackie

[Juscuz]

Lady wrote.....
I grew up knowing I was adopted from the earliest age I could start to understand!! I was always told (me and my brother) that we were special. Adoption was a good thing, spoken very freely, WITHOUT actual relationships with bparents. I know there are NO perfect families, and mine wasn't to say the least! BUT even when I (IF I) meet my birth parents, I would thank them. I would thank them for thinking about me, for giving me a better life!
===========================================

thank you for your post. This could have been written by my own bson. He reassured me from the beginning that his life was very good, his parents supportive and nuturing. He put all my worries at ease. I know like any other family, it wasn't a *perfect* life, but I worried all along the way that he may have ended up with less than perfect abusive family and would have been better off with me in the long run. I can't say if that would have been the case, what I did I did. It's behind me, and we move forward from here. I take one day at a time and know that my son is a gift of life who's grown into a very wonderful man who I'm getting to know and love more of each day.

I thank my bsons aparents for giving him the life I always *dreamt* he'd have and for allowing us to become one again. For we have are all been blessed in this triad and I am thankful that he has accepted who he was from the beginning, learned to live with the fact that he was adopted, knowing in his heart that someday, he will be in reunion once again. I won't dwell on the past, for it is what it is and I cannot change that, we must learn to live with it and move on to better things and count our blessings each day for them.

Aloha all