[Lady77]

Did it ever cross your mind some of us were lied to? Some of us are not ANGRY, we have been through hell and are devastated. Have you ever been in a very stressful situation where decisions made in haste based on what you were being told? Did you ever once in your life make a wrong decision, yet have someone tell you you are angry????

OK, you could not make YOUR own decision.

FOR WHATEVER reason, I am very sorry you experienced a bad situation that makes you feel negative about adoption. You ARE angry, angry that you were lied to. OK, you made a wrong decision. Better that you make it a bad, negative experience for you and your family, then make the best out of the DECISION you made.

Yes, I give thanks for being in a positive adoption.

Even though I have NEVER met my birthmother I SURE hope she is NOT as negative to the experience as you are.

JM2c
JILL

[Lady77]

I pray your next post does not tell anyone they should have kept their legs crossed but somehow I will not be shocked.

NEGATIVE
NEGATIVE
NEGATIVE!!!!!

[Teresa K]

Jill,

You honestly have no clue what you are talking about. How would you know who or what my attitude is? To say I am negative about adoption is unfair. I am not against adoption, I am against lying to get what one wants. I am against people in the adoption industry saying whatever sounds good.

I am glad you had a positive experience. While it is clear my experience was negative, you have no idea how anything has effected my family. And if you truly want to help me, give me an addy and I will gladly share some of the bills I was stuck with. That would be positive huh? Teresa

PS...to your last post, not negative, sick sarcasm probably, thanks for the humor today though

[Lady77]

Yes, you are right I have NO idea what your "story" is.

And AGAIN, I am sorry you had a bad experience.

JILL

[Lady77]

I REALLY was just trying to have a positive post.

A sweet reminder for you, when you have rough days. (I can understand)

I am sorry you see this as a "laugh"

JILL

[dl]

Lady77: I believe I understand your intentions in starting this thread as very positive. I too had a great adoptive experience. I am grateful that my bioparents assumed personal responsibility and had the wisdom to make the decision that they did for me. I have recently been exchanging letters with my bioDad and he has expressed that in learning that I was indeed loved by my aparents he can finally feel relieved that I was, and he no longer needs to wonder if they made the correct decision.

I do however differ with the attitude that bioparents give aparents a child as "a gift" and I find the posts complaining that aparents don't express enough gratitude disconcerting. For an aparent to be expected to say "Thank you for having a child that you were unable to parent" just doesn't make sense to me. I could see a bioparent being grateful that aparents cared for a child that bioparents were unable to care for, for whatever reason. I can also understand an adoptee thanking bioparents for making a responsible choice or for an adoptee to thank aparents for stepping in and filling the need for parents and a home.

Teresa K: I'm not sure if a post was removed or what I missed. Were you stuck with bills from the adoption? Why would you think anyone else should share your bills?

May: "Every time I read or hear something about me giving the aparents a gift, I can't STAND it! " Thank you, as an adoptee, I can't STAND it either. I personally don't feel human beings should be referred to as "a gift" unless a parent (ANY parent, bio, adoptive or foster) chooses to feel the child is a gift from God. I personally feel there is more of a NEED for aparents as without them, what would bioparents do with a child they CANNOT PARENT? A "gift" is NOT giving someone else that which you cannot keep ~ IMO.

[Teresa K]

dlouis,

Yes, I was stuck with the bills. No, I do not expect anyone to pay them at this point, why bother now?? Obviously the "adoptive family" "blew thier wad" with facilitator payments and attorney fees. The accounting of the so called adoption is obviously fraudulent among other things but that is being resolved.

I do agree with your description of a gift. To me saying placing a child is a gift. I recently read somewhere that adoption is the only trauma where people are to be grateful. And, usually a gift makes everyone involved feel warm fuzzies somehow. Adoption may for some, but far from everyone. Teresa

[dl]

Thanks, I was confused by your post "And if you truly want to help me, give me an addy and I will gladly share some of the bills I was stuck with."

Once again, it is obvious that every adoption situation is different. I honestly believe this is the first time I have read that a bioMother was stuck with the bills from the adoption. I know when my stepdaughter placed in an open adoption in the late 80's, welfare paid her medical bills and the potential aparents paid her and her older daughters living expenses during and immediately after the pregnancy. There have been many threads about the monetary expenses potential adoptive parents face, but I've never seen a thread about the monetary expenses potential bioparents face.

[Shuda]

Teresa, I am a birthmom also and you are extremely angry. I understand why, but the anger will consume you if you allow it to over the years.

My son way taken from me by my parents and placed. I had no say in the matter and I was angry for years and years. You sound as if you recently lost your child...........please, for your own sake, talk to someone and deal with your anger.

Adoptive parents will never understand what we go thru so there's no point in trying to explain it to them. As for the "gift", what a crock. I could easily choke them when I hear that term for our children.

Hang in there, you will see your child again someday.

Jeanne

[Teresa K]

dlouis,

By law, and a clause of ICPC a "birthparent" has to be told who to send bills to. In my case there was a medical card, for 90 days ONLY. There were serious medical complications that continued past then. Part of counseling was covered, although not all. There was a serious lack of communication between the agency, the contracted family, and both lawyers the "adoptive family" hired. I had NO legal representation whatsoever. Normally a "birthparent" does, and by law I had to. By law there is no adoption, although there are papers there are MANY violations. Fraud was proven well within the legal time frame. I reclaimed well within the legal time frame too. But it seems the pros are all blaming one another.

Futhermore, it was twin boys. Not a child. AND, please stop telling me I am angry. Geeze, I am coping quite well, had a very nice day with my children (the ones the agency says I do not have). I have had more counseling than I care to talk about, all he says is I face it better than he ever would, and although I deserve to be angry I try to find humor among the fools I am dealing with. Most of the time we turn them into jokes, laugh about getting bogus restraining orders if someone files a complaint. IE...I got a ticket for my neighbors illegally parked car (BIG mistake), my BF told me to get a restraining order so cops can not come to my house. I am getting a bit upset over being told I am angry though..disgusted with the system for darn sure

Teresa

[dl]

Thanks for the explanation. I didn't mean to imply that I didn't believe you, it was just a very different situation than I had read about before. Sorry there was such a miscommunication amongst the "pros".

I think you may have meant to separate your previous post instead of directing the entire post at me. I have not once told you that you are angry.

[Teresa K]

dlouis,

I apologize, you are right. I am much more involved in shopping than keeping thoughts straight. T

[Sharon]

I too was "stuck with bills". This post is not directed at anyone in particular; just a statement of fact. I placed my son through ABC Adoption Agency in San Antonio. After the relinquishment, two different bills from prenatal dr's office visits came to my home address. They were from a collection agency. Apparently ABC Adoptions had not paid them as per our agreement, and the doctor's office had turned them over to a bill collector. I contacted the agency and they gave me a run-around; finally told me to mail them the bills and they'd take care of them. They never did, and I continued to recieve notices from the collection agency, and since I was a minor living hand-to-mouth with no possible way to pay several hundred dollars worth of medical bills, I never paid them either, and they eventually damaged my credit.
Anyway, this is all beside the point. The point is, my agency stuck me with bills.
As for the content of this thread, I agree with DLouis that the original poster's intentions were probably good. I personally find the idea of a human being as a "gift" to be a little disturbing, but hey, to each her own.
~ Sharon

[joymom]

There is no excuse for how you were treated and lied to...I know nothing I can say will help, but I am so sorry. My Mom had a very bad experience also, years ago.

I always learn something new here...it had never occured to me that referring to our kids as a "gift" would be so offensive. (We have 2 sons via adoption). I understand the point several of you have made, though. It's difficult to express the joy I feel over the opportunity to be a Mom to two amazing kids without also sounding trite and stupid about our sons birth mother's experiences. I don't refer to them as a "gift" because I see them as a possession, or because I think their birthmothers sought to give me anything. I'm just profoundly thankful to God, and to their birthmoms for the choices they made. This may all sound very hollow and silly... but I do know that not every experience is positive and honest. I can't begin to understand the anguish of choosing adoption for your child even when circumstances are good. But I do feel BOTH... joy for my kids, and respect for their birthmothers. Not that they somehow need my 'kudos', but I am thankful, nonetheless.

[Lady77]

My intentions were definately good. I did not mean to hit on anyone's sore spots.

My "thankful" letter, was more of an "its OK" to birthmothers. I think that alot of you are misunderstanding what I feel.
I reread my posts, and I can understand why.....
I am not as gifted as some are in the writing field.


I am sorry about the "gift" thing. I have been thinking about this all day. I think this is where this whole post went bad....talk of giving a "gift"

I think that you birthmothers are very hard on yourself. I can't REALLY say I understand (because I have never experienced) but I DO understand.

Please dont be so hard on yourself. I THINK I understand why you take "gift" so hard. Because it isnt a gift to you. It is a very hard situation to go through. Not a happy gift giving ceremony....
But, here is where I say to "think positive" And believe that you did give a gift. I know there are so many different situations, some good some bad. And I do know that this is not true for everyone 100%. But to use this as a reminder for you, whom have bad experiences, that there is also GOOD.


I have definately learned alot here....after my post.......

I am sorry birthmothers live with so much guilt over their heads.
I now PRAY that my birth mother does NOT and has NOT lived her life feeling this much guilt and negativity to adoption.

JILL