[mommyapel]

My daughter gave up my grandsons about 3 years ago. I was very involved with the Foster Care system and when they were placed in a pre-adoptive home was still very involved with the boys. They were 7 and 8 years old at the time. While I know that it was the best thing for the boys (their mother was on drugs), I have a very difficult time not being able to be a primary part of their lives. I have some very serious chronic illness or I would have taken the boys.

Some days I feel so guilty, and other days I know it was the correct decision as they have a chance at a much better life with the family they are with.

I get to speak with them and see them a couple of times a year, so I'm luckier than most, but it just tears my heart out. I made a promist to them that I would always be a part of their lives, and I feel as though I've let them down.

I'm not sure how to get through the next 7 years till I can see them as much as they want. Does anyone have any advice?

[withopenarms]

Hi, Do they live near you. If they do I don't see why you couldn't get to know there new family and still see them as much as you want. You will always be there grandma and hopefully the adoptive family will reconize this. It is also very healthy for the boys. So I would either give her a call and have a heart to heart talk or write her a letter if your better at that. Good Luck to you You sound like a very loving and caring Grandma

[mommyapel]

Thank you for your response to my message.

I did live very close to the boys and their adoptive family. When we were going through the process I was assured that this family would be willing to have an "open" adoption and allow the rest of the family to keep in touch with the boys. That changed once they adopted them and each time we have a visit it gets shorter and shorter. It's now down to a couple of hours a visit, two times per year. I do send the boys cards and small gifts and then we celebrate their birthdays and Christmas when we have them.

It isn't the adoptive father, but the mother that has a problem with us keeping in touch. As she commented to the social worker, she has friends, she doesn't need us. I've tried writing her a letter and talking to her on the phone. I explained that because the boys were not babies when they were adopted that it's hard on all of us (including the boys), but she has her own ideas. While I respect her opinion, and I make sure to be very supportive of the family when we see the boys, it's hard to understand her reasoning. I even offered to have them all come and spend a day with the family so that they would get to know everyone and maybe feel more at ease, but that is when she made the comment to the social worker about not needing us as friends.

I can't imagine what it's like to adopt children that are older and have other relatives in their lives, I just hope that this won't be harmful to the boys as they get older. And I just need to find a way to cope with the guilt of not raising them myself. If I can keep the emotion out, I realize that I did what was best for them, but then I'll see a child that reminds me of them, or remember something they said or did and it puts me into such a feeling of sadness.

Anyway, thank you again for your supportive reply. It helps.

[cathy102]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so much pain. You were and are STILL their grandmother forever. I don't understand why the adoptive mom won't be open. It's funny because my daughters birthmom don't want any contact with us but the birthgrandmother does and I call her my daughters grandma. I totally respect their family and hope to one day have a good visit with them..

I will be praying that the amom will open up to you. You sound like a great lady and I only wish you the best in life..Those boys will know how much you love them. One day, just remember that they will want to come and see their nice grandma..I know they love you!!

Hugs,

Cathy

[mommyapel]

Thank you for your note. The laws in NYS unfortunately do not consider grandparent rights once the child has been adopted. It's not easy, but hopefully in the near future some of the laws will change and take into consideration that just because a parent has relinquished rights, grandparents can be a wonderful security for adopted children, especially at the age that my grandsons were.

[Michellemomof5]

I am an adopted Mom as well, and have been in that situation. I can only speak for myself, but I think I was in denial about how the (older) adoption should be. I was not very welcome to the grandmother either at first. I wanted to be a "normal" family and not have all the extra family in our lives. I was afraid that she would talk non stop about the bio Mom and then we would be faced with major behaviors. I was threatend.

Grandma never gave up. She writes our kids twice a week, and writes about nothing. Her garden, the farm, the dog, ect... Then she started sending birthday cards to the whole family. It was very non threatning. I am ashamed that I even behaved the way I did. We have an agreement, I will not talk about the bio Mom and either will she. (Only because she is using again and not well). She is a part of our family now. In fact last winter we went on vacation and she stayed with all of our kids. They all call her Grandma now.

Try to write letters frequently about nothing.

Make sure they know that you are supportive of the adoption.

Hope it gets better for you.

[lmc618]

I hope things go better for you. I am a birthmother...my son isn't born yet but I have already met his family. I hope the a-mom can start to see your side of things. She's probably a little scared and nervous...but still, what matters the very most is what those boys need, not what SHE needs. I would think that the healthiest thing she could do for your grandsons is to let you guys have as much contact with eachother as you want. Especially since they have grown up knowing you as grandma. Im sorry to hear about this, and I hope it gets better!

[vicrose]

Hi Grandma...I call you that..because youare and always will be these boys Grandma. I also live in NY State..on Long Island to be exact and am an adoptee..please pm mail me if you'd like to chat...Hugs, Brenda